Maybe This Could Work...

Even though Gerard’s proposal happened a long time ago, I still consider it the greatest yet worst moment of my life. And in the years since it happened, I have never regretted my answer, even though it maybe would have been better for both of us if I answered differently. I only regretted how it all turned out.
But no matter what happened between Gerard and I, I still love him and I probably always will. And honestly, my roommate is the only one who knows what happened between us. He tried to understand how I feel, but even he told me at one point to just move on, that this is only causing me more pain. He’s right though... Maybe I should move on, maybe someday I will. But today is most definitely not that day.
Before I even think about moving on from my love for Gerard, let me first tell you all that happened after his proposal.

I stared at Gerard, in to his hazel eyes that radiated excitement and happiness, but at the same time fear; fear of rejection. His nervous smile, that was always adorable, slowly began fading away.
My mouth was agape, the words stuck in my throat. So many thoughts ran through my mind, all of them blurry. My eyes shifted away from Gerard’s back down to the ring in his open hand, light shimmering on the small white diamonds. It all felt so surreal I almost couldn’t believe it. This gorgeous man, who I just got back, was sitting before me with a beautiful engagement ring, asking me to marry him, make us only each others for the rest of our lives, our love bonded for life; and I couldn’t answer. I was stuck between yes and no; love forever or two broken hearts.
I know it’s seems like a simple choice, but it didn’t seem simple to me. My heart screamed yes, to just go for it, make this comic book obsesses, shitty movie watching, over his head caring man mine. Just say yes!
But there was something in my head, a small voice, merely a whisper, told me to say no. After all, Gerard was my first boyfriend, my first love. What if, in a year or something like that I won’t feel the same way? What if I say yes, we get married and after I won’t feel the same way towards Gerard?
As always, one was louder than the other and I listened to it, even though I didn’t trust it. I believed in it.
“Gerard, I-I-“ I began to stutter my answer, when the most predictable thing could have happened. My phone started ringing. I quickly glanced at the phone, Gina’s name and picture lighting the screen. I looked back at Gerard, almost pleadingly.
“Answer it” he said, nodding with a weak smile that was barely even there.
“I’m sorry baby” I told him, before I answered. I know it was a big moment, and that it was completely inappropriate to answer my phone, but – and I know I’m gonna maybe sound like a jerk now – I honestly didn’t want to answer. I didn’t. I wanted to disappear for the rest of my life. Yes, I loved Gerard, yes he was my everything, but there was a little doubting voice in my head telling me this was all a big mistake that I will regret any answer I give sooner or later.
“Gina this isn’t really the best time” I answered the phone, my voice slightly cracking, sending a hot rush to my cheeks.
“Dude, it’s Mikey” Mikey’s voice sounded from the other end.
“Hey, Mikes... What’s going on?” I asked, glancing at Gerard, whose face was taken over by worry.
“Look I’m sorry if this isn’t the best time, but it’s about Gina”
The blood in my veins froze and for a moment, I thought time had stopped. So many thoughts ran through my head and I just hoped it wasn’t the end.
“What happened?” I asked with a shaky voice, my hands sweaty. Gerard saw my distress and probably also heard what Mikey was saying on the phone, so he entwined his fingers with mine, the engagement momentarily completely forgotten.
“She had a really bad dyspnoea! She basically just collapsed to the ground and couldn’t breathe anymore!” Mikey’s voice was full of panic and so sad it broke my heart.
“She’s in the hospital now, having surgery so they can get all the water out of her lungs... Can you just please come to the hospital?”
“Yeah, we’re on our way” by the time I hung up, Gerard was already downstairs, getting our coats and the keys to his car, because clearly he did hear everything.
You know, a normal person would rush to the hospital without a second thought, wanting to make sure their best friend was okay as soon as possible.
I on the other hand, just sat there on the bed like a statue, staring off in to space with tears gathering in my eyes, one single heart breaking thought running through my mind.
I’m gonna lose my best friend...
I never came to terms with that until then. Even when she was diagnosed I never really wanted to believe it. At the time both Gina and I were like: we all die someday, some apparently sooner than others; but I think she just said that, because she wasn’t really coping with everything. I mean, how can you except that you’re gonna die before anyone else you know, at a very young age, when you haven’t and never will really live and experience the world?
“Frankie?” Gerard’s voice called from the door. I looked up, tears already running down my cheeks. Gerard rushed to my side and pulled me in to a tight hug.
“She’s gonna be okay, sweetheart” he said, trying to remain calm for my sake, but I could hear his voice was shaking.
“Let’s just get to the hospital, okay?” he said as he pulled away, wiping my tears away. I nodded and took his hand, letting him lead me downstairs. I didn’t bother zipping up my coat again, and just followed Gerard to his car.
To be honest the whole car ride to the hospital was blurry. To this day, I can’t remember what music was playing on the radio, what calming words Gerard spoke to me, not even which way we took.
I was so damn scared. I mean I probably knew she won’t die today, probably not even tomorrow or a whole month after, but all I could think about was getting there and finding out she had died during surgery.
“Frankie, please calm down” Gerard’s voice finally got to me. I snapped from my thoughts and looked up at him, just now realising that my cheeks were completely wet and my eyes watery.
“I’m sorry” I said, lowering my head again, just wanting to crawl in a ball of tears and sobs and die.
“Don’t be sorry, you’re just worried about your best friend” Gerard said with a calm voice, but when I looked back up, I could see he was sad, concerned and worried probably as much as I was.
A few minutes later we arrived at the hospital. We walked inside, hand in hand, immediately being surrounded by the smell of medicine and illness. The smell made my stomach turn, the memories of me being in the hospital with broken ribs and internal bleeding crossing my mind. We quickly checked in at the reception on the ground floor, getting direction and number of Gina’s room.
The room wasn’t much different than the one I stayed in a month ago; blue patterns on the white walls, blue curtains and a neatly made bed with light blue and white sheets. The only difference was, that in Gina’s room there was also an oxygen machine set next to the bed and a couple more machines I didn’t really know what they were called, all their wires waiting to be connected to Gina’s body. And there next to the bed, on a chair, sat Mikey, his head held lowand buried in his hands.
“Mikes?” Gerard gently called out to his brother. Mikey’s head quickly shot up, and even though he had his glasses on, I could tell he was crying. Mikey began to get up and Gerard rushed to his side, pulling him in to a hug, drawing soothing circle in to his brothers back.
I always felt so out of place whenever they displayed brotherly love, like I wasn’t allowed to see it. When they pulled away, Gerard gestured to me to join them on the chairs next to the bed, where we would wait for god knows how long until Gina would come out of surgery and wake up. But as scared I saw, as much as I worried about Gina, I was still pretty upset and angry at her, because she didn’t tell me things were getting worse.
What she had tonight was a dyspnoea (it means sudden and severe shortness of breath; difficulty of breathing; breathlessness), and those don’t happen because you’re okay! They happen when things are getting worse and I know she knew about it.
“Did you get any news on her?” I asked, when the silence that fell upon the room got too much. Mikey shook his head.
“No, I haven’t heard anything ever since they took her in to surgery...” he said, choking on his words.
After that we just sat in silence, an hour passing by before Gerard said he’d go get some coffee for all three of us, and Mikey went to the bathroom, leaving me alone it the white room. I got out of the chair before my legs would go numb, and walked to the only window in the room, the street light shinning in through the curtains.
The skyline was already getting that blood red, orangey colour from the sunrise, announcing the morning of a new year. All the years before, I made new year’s resolutions, to be better the next year. Quit smoking. Stop drinking completely. Try harder in school. Get good enough grades to get in to a good collage. Enjoy life. Be happy.
I failed all of them every year, but maybe this year I could at least be happy with Gerard and enjoy life with him. But I know it won’t be all flowers and sunshine, past events have proven that.
And now this engagement thing turned my world upside down. I still wasn’t completely sure about the answer I would give him, but my heart told me it has to be this way. Even if things will fall apart.
A pair of arms wrapped around my waist, pulling our bodies close together. Gerard rested his chin on my shoulder, leaning his head against mine.
I took a moment, just to feel his warm body pressing against mine, his soft skin, his hazel eyes that I could just see with the corner of my eye, his soft hair, all of him. It might not have been the best or the appropriate time to say it, but goddamn it, I had to!
“Yes” I breathed, a small smile curving my lips.
“What?” Gerard frowned, turning me around in his arms, locking his eyes with mine.
“Yes” I repeated, my smile growing. Gerard frowned even more, but a light smile appeared on his face, a little spark igniting in his eyes.
“Yes, I’ll marry you”
Gerard’s hands cupped my cheeks, our lips meeting half way in a love filled kiss, that was quickly stained with tears of happiness. The kiss didn’t last long before Gerard pulled away, wide smiles on both our faces.
“Baby, please don’t cry” I giggled and wiped away the few tears of joy running down his cheeks.
“I’m sorry, I’m just so damn happy right now, because you are more than I ever deserved!” he smiled, then pulled me back in to a kiss, gently sliding his tongue in to my mouth and entwining it with mine.
“This would be so much more romantic if we weren’t in a hospital” I hummed against Gerard’s lips when we pulled apart. He giggled and pressed another quick kiss to my lips, before Mikey returned to the room, stumbling over to the chairs.
“Where did you guys go?” he asked, his head spinning around in search for us.
“We’re by the window, Mikes” Gerard said, but still keeping his eyes on me, radiating happiness.
“Oh, okay. Where’s the coffee?” Mikey asked.
“It’s on the nightstand on your right” I told him, momentarily taking my eyes off Gerard, still smiling like a love struck idiot (well, technically I was one). When I looked back, Gerard was again holding the engagement ring in his hand.
“You seriously brought it with you?” I giggled, looking at the ring and then back at Gerard, who was smiling like a little kid that was just handed a piece of candy.
“Yes, it magically slipped in my pocket” Gerard smiled.
“Let’s make it official then” I said, pecking his lips. Gerard took my left hand in to his, grinning, and slipped the golden ring with the little diamonds on to my ring finger. It felt really strange to have it on, even looking at it, there on my finger, was so strange, I couldn’t really grasp the reality that I was now engaged. I never imagined this would ever happen in my life. Never. Yet here I was, engaged to a wonderful, gorgeous man.
We shared one more deep and lingering kiss, before returning back to our waiting chairs, joining Mikey, in the horrible wait for Gina’s return.
And it didn’t take long before the door opened and in came a bunch of nurses and two doctors and Gina, connected to an oxygen tank and a tub going in to her body on her side, connected to another machine, being wheeled in on a gurney, still unconscious.
Momentarily, they disconnected her from the machines so they could place her on to the bed, where they plugged her back on even more machines, her chest slowly and shallowly rising and falling. The doctors that performed her surgery explained to us that they were able to get out most of the liquid from her mediastinum, but from looking at her CAT and other scans, things have gotten much worse and that she should have been admitted to the hospital at least a week earlier so they could have started the chemotherapy at the right time, but now that this has happened, she would be confined to this hospital room, getting regular chemotherapy and stronger doses of medication, so they could longer her life. In the end they mentioned that her foster parents were contacted and are on their way here.
We all listened carefully and patiently, until the doctors left, Mikey clutching on to Gina’s hand through it all, his thumb drawing circles in to her palm.
Then we waited, sipping our coffees, being interrupted by the occasional nurse that came in to check on Gina’s vitals. Fifteen minutes later her foster parents arrived, sitting down on the other side of the bed, giving me and Gerard strange looks, but warmly greeted Mikey.
By the time Gina woke up it was already around 9 am. Her fingers softly wrapped around Mikey’s wrist, her eyes slightly fluttering.
“Baby?” Mikey, being the first one to notice she was awake, sprung forward and sitting on the side of her bed, bringing her hand up to his lips, kissing it gently. Gina mumbled something, then she slowly open her eyes. She first looked at Mikey, then her eyes shifted to me and Gerard, a light smile sneaking on her face.
“Sweetie, how are you feeling?” asked her foster mom, standing from her chair and leaned towards Gina’s bed.
“What happened?” Gina croaked out, looking back at Mikey.
“It was the usual, but...” Mr. Green said, then trailed off, not wanting to tell her the bad news.
“But, what?” she asked, looking at her foster parents.
“Honey, they found new tumours and the ones you had before have grown” then spoke Mrs. Green. Gina stared at her, no actual surprise visible on her face, but more sadness. She slumped back down on to her pillow, deeply sighing. A moment later, silent tears started running down her cheeks.
“Well, fuck” she mumbled, her voice cracking. Mikey, feeling her fragile body shake, carefully wrapped his arms around her, speaking softly to her that everything’s gonna be okay.
Even though the doctors told us before that Gina’s tumour have grown and that they found new ones, I just still couldn’t believe it... And now, seeing her break down like that, broke my heart. She never broke down in front of anyone, not even me and we’ve been best friends since wewere six! If I could, at that moment, I’d have our places switched. I’d throw my happiness away, just so I wouldn’t have to see her so sad, broken and hopeless.
After Mikey actually calmed her down a bit, with the help of her foster mom and dad, Mrs. Green continued the conversation, by telling Gina about the treatment the doctors had prepared for her, to keep her alive longer.
“No! No, chemo!” Gina interrupted her foster mom, receiving very concerned looks from all of us.
“But, Gina, sweetie, you will get to live longer-” Mrs. Green began again, but was again cut off by Gina’s sharp voice.
“No chemo! I won’t go through that fucking thing!”
“Gina, language” Mrs. Green scolded her.
“And why not?” asked Mr. Green: “Tell me one good reason why you don’t wanna do it?”
“Because I don’t wanna lose my memory!” Gina nearly yelled at them.
“Honey, you won’t lose your memory” gently said Mrs. Green, while Gerard, Mikey and I just awkwardly sat there listening to the whole thing, feeling completely out of place.
“Yes, I will. I’ll start forgetting things, I’ll forget you and I’ll forget the people that I love” she looked at Mikey, gently squeezing his hand. Mikey sadly smiled, then pressed a kiss to Gina’s cheek.
“So, I won’t be going to chemotherapy, even if that means I’m gonna die sooner. I don’t care when I die, I just wanna be myself when the time will come and not some drugged out zombie that can barely speak her own name. Because I hit the point in life where, I’m just done. I cried. I fought. And I tried. And now everything is crushing down. My demons are screaming louder than ever, trying to eat away the rest of me... What’s left of me anyways. And I’m just done with all of this... This time I won’t fight back”
Gina’s tears had now completely dried, her face completely serious as she stared in the eyes of her foster parents, them staring right back at her, complete shock across their faces.
“Well, then...” Mrs. Green, being the first one to recover from the shock, began, momentarily looking at her husband, whose face was like an emotionless statue now.
“We’ll go speak to your doctor about your decision then” she then said, taking Gina’s hand in her own, and giving her a gentle smile. Gina smiled back, glad that they were respecting one of her last wishes.
In all honesty I wanted to protest, make Gina change her mind, but I kind of understood her.
Mr. and Mrs. Green then left to find Gina’s doctor to discus the change in Gina’s therapy. As soon as the doors closed, Gina looked at Gerard and I, a smirk curving her lips.
“So, I see you two are back together” she said, her smirk growing.
“Yeah...” I said, blushing slightly, running my hand through my hair. And then Gina’s eyes grew wide, like she had seen a ghost, her jaw dropping.
“What the bleeping hell is that?!” she said, staring at me.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing on your finger!” she squeecked, moving closer to me and grabbing my left hand. I felt myself blush even harder.
“What is it?” asked Mikey, completely oblivious to what was going on. I felt Gerard’s arm snaked around my waist, pulling me closer to his side, as Gina’s eyes examined the ring on my finger.
“It’s a engagement ring” she breathed out, sliding her finger tip across the small diamonds.
“What?!” Mikey gasped, a smile stretching across his face.
“When did this happen?” Gina asked, ripping her look away from the ring and looked up at me.
“Today...” Gerard hesitantly said, but pressed a kiss to my cheek anyways.
“You know, Mikey and I were just hoping you’d just get back together and stop mopping about missing each other, but this... This is just wow” Gina giggled.
“It was his idea, I swear!” I laughed, pointing at Gerard, who blushed and shyly smiled.
“Well, congratulation” she said, pulling both of us in to a hug, Mikey congratulating us after, giving Gerard a hard pat on the back and hugging me.
We celebrated with more coffee.
After Gina’s foster parents came back, we hung out together for the rest of the day, until the nurses actually had to ask us to leave so Gina could rest, which she massively protested against, saying that she’s getting enough rest with us here, and joking she’ll otherwise die of boredom. The nurse really didn’t find the joke funny, she just looked really startled.
I really didn’t want to leave Gina alone there in the hospital, but I clearly didn’t have a choice. Gerard had to basically drag both Mikey and me to the car and shove us both in. When we got home, all three of us cuddle up on the couch, with pizza, watching old horror movies which Gerard picked out.
Mikey spend most of his evening talking with Gina on the phone, while Gerard and I made out for most of that, not paying attention to anything around us.
I honestly wanted to be sad about Gina, be upset and I saw upset. But, god was I happy about Gerard and mine engagement, I just couldn’t help but smile all the time. It was like a bipolar war was going on inside me, both equally strong.

Notes

Hey sweethearts....
So, I started school today... I'm in my seniour year now and I'm spending my last year in a dorm (this dorm sucks balls btw) so far it has not been great... I honestly feel like shit right now and this chapter isn't making me feel any better, because I do not like, I think it sucks completely... But I tried my best, and clearly this is what my best looks like *disappointed sigh*

I'm just gonna crawl in a ball in my bed, cry, eat chips and watch Dan & Phil...
That is all...
Stay fabulous or whatever...