The greatest happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.
~Victor Hugo~

Christmas has never been that great, but this one completely and utterly sucked! Next morning I woke up, curled on the couch, a blanket wrapped tight around me.
It was Christmas day and I was spending it alone. Bob left the day before, joining his family in Chicago and he would be staying there until the end of first week of January.
I was alone in the small apartment through the holidays, surviving off coffee and takeout food, staring at my phone most of the time, hoping Gerard would call.
But he didn’t... The only calls I got – and nearly had a heart attack when I heard it ringing, hoping it was Gerard – were from Gina and Mikey, who tried their very best to get me out of the apartment. And they did achieve it a few times. Once we went to the movies, once we went ice skating – Mikey struggled a little at that –, and we went shopping (it was Gina’s idea).
But besides the constant phone watching – which I basically did 24/7, and at one point Gina told me she’d take it away from me if I even glance at it – I got around to trying to write some music, playing Bob’s old wrecked guitar. But it did the job! I wrote maybe three songs, but one of them I dedicated to Gerard, because I poured my emotions in to it and at the bottom of the lyrics I wrote: to Gerard, the love of my life.
I tilted it Joyriding.

So that was my week, that was my Christmas holiday. It was New Year’s Eve now. An hour till midnight and I was sitting in front of the tv, leaning back on the couch and wrapped in a warm blanket, with a bowl of popcorn in my lap. I wasn’t really paying attention what was on tv, all I did was shove popcorn in my mouth and blankly stared in front of myself, leaving the tv to be background sounds. I wished Gerard were here, not only so I wouldn’t be alone, but because I missed him so fucking much. But he wasn’t here, he was there, at home. And there doesn’t know how lucky it is to have him.
I honestly wanted to be mad at him for ignoring me, I wanted to just move on, knowing that he probably won’t change his mind and take me back, my brain was telling me that it’s not worth getting hurt every day by so many memories, just to have nothing in the end. But my heart just screamed at me how much I loved him, how much I miss him. And me being me, I listened to the heart.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get Gerard out of my head. I couldn’t help but imagine how our lives would be if we were to stay together forever – till death do us part. That life would be pretty damn perfect. True we’d fight, I mean, who doesn’t? Even Gina and Mikey, they are both madly in love with each other and they know their relationship will not last forever, but they still fight and drive each other crazy sometimes. And I know their love will last forever, no matter where the other is.
I keep denying how I feel about him, but on the inside, I know what my heart is telling me. It’s telling me that Gerard is my one and only. People spend most of their lives searching for what I found in Gerard. Found and lost.
I once heard somewhere that in life you get two great loves. The kind of love that changes you for the rest of your life and no matter who comes along, a piece of – if not it whole – your heart will always belong to that love. I think Gerard is my first and last great love, because I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else. But maybe I’m too young to say things like this... If I look at it this way, that Gerard is my first boyfriend, my first love and that anyone rarely stays together with their first love for the rest of their lives; it makes me doubt everything. What if Gerard isn’t one of my great loves? What if he is just a love and because it’s my first one it hit me so hard?
Right now, I can’t say for sure, but I hope someday I will be sure about it. But now I just can’t, because we are broken and imperfect and we are both to blame for what’s happened.
But love makes us lonely. It really does and we can’t do a fucking thing about it. If being in love only makes people more lonely, why would everyone want it so much?
Because love gives us an illusion. We fall in love, it’s intoxicating, and for a little while we feel like we’ve actually become one with the other person. Merged souls, and so on. We think we’ll never be lonely again. Only in most cases it doesn’t last and soon we realize we can only get so close, and we end up brutally disappointed, more alone than ever, because the illusion – the hope we’d held on to all those years, for all that time – has been shattered.
And right now, I felt so goddamn lonely. The loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life. If love made me feel this way, then screw love. I don’t want to be in love, if every time it ends, everything will lie broken at my feet, causing me to feel nothing and absolutely everything at the same time. I honestly don’t want that.
I was snapped out of my thoughts by my phone that started vibrating on the coffee table. I sighed, knowing it was probably Gina, to check up on my, if I was okay, while she and Mikey spend a romantic New Year’s Eve together. I honestly couldn’t blame them for being in love and wanting to spend the last months together, but at the same time I envied them for having such luck to have found each other, for finding the love that fulfilled them and not tare them apart even more.
I took the phone of the table, looking at the screen and for a moment, I swear to God, I forgot how to breathe. With wide eyes I stared at the screen that said with big black letters: GERARD.
I stared at the screen, debating with myself if I should answer or not. I’ve been waiting a whole week for this! Guarding the phone like it was the queen of Britain herself, awaiting his call. And now, less than a minute ago I gave up on love.
With quivery hands, feeling drops of sweat forming on my forehead and my heart racing, I pressed the answer button, bringing the phone up to my ear.
“H-hello” I stuttered out, my voice lased with fear. For a couple of second I couldn’t hear anything, but something that sounded like quiet sobs.
“Hey” a quiet, shaky voice then emerged from the other side, followed by a sniff. Before I could continue to speak, Gerard’s voice again came from the speaker.
“Frankie?” his voice was so sad and I could tell by how shaky it was that he was in tears.
“I’m here. What’s wrong?” I asked, my plan for giving up on love now completely forgotten.
More sniffs followed and I patiently waited until he spoke again.
“I miss you...” he quietly said. Is it possible for ones heart to break and flutter at the same time? Because I felt like mine did. It broke me to hear how sad he was, and I almost jumped of joy hearing him say he misses me. But I stayed calm, a light smile curving my lips.
“I miss you too, so fucking much” I breathed out, feeling tears gathering in my eyes.
“You do?” he sniffed.
“Yes, God, Gee! I miss you so damn much” I said, now sniffing myself, feeling the first tears roll down my cheeks.
“W-Would you....” he said, trailing off. I waited a couple second if he would continue on his own, but he remained silent.
“Gee, would I what? What’s wrong, please tell me” I pleaded, curling up in to myself, letting the blanket fall from my shoulders.
“Would please come over?” he then croaked out: “Please, I can’t be alone without you anymore”
“Gee... I-“
“Please, Frankie!” he cried out.
“Okay, okay, I’m on my way” I quickly said, crawling to my feet. The line had already gone dead, but I hoped he heard me. I took the keys and quickly slipped on my coat not even bothering to zip it up and I just ran. I ran downstairs and out the comic store and on to the snowy streets. You know it’s stupid how I usually get a song stuck in my head when I least need one to be stuck inside it. This time it was no different. I sang it in my head, while I was running, trying to keep the tears from falling.

Everybody needs inspiration
Everybody needs a song
A beautiful melody when the nights are long
‘Cause there is no guarantee that this life is easy!

I reached the end of the street and headed left, ignoring the coldness feel my lungs in a stinging pain.

When my world is falling apart
When there’s no light to break up the dark
That’s when I look at you!

I passed a group of teenagers from my school, who were very clearly drunk, smelling the sweet smell of weed flowing through the air around them.

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can’t find my way out anymore
That’s when I look at you!

I made a left, making my way down another street, passing the liquor store I ran in to Gerard more than a week ago, his pale, tired face flashing before my eyes.

When I look at you I see forgiveness, I see the truth
You love me for who I am
Like the stars hold the moon
Right there where they belong
And I know I’m not alone!

I made a right, just like Gerard did last time, my lungs screaming at me to slow down, to catch my breath, my muscle soon joining them, making the screams louder. But I ignored them. I kept on running, trying not to slip on the cold ice that was littering the streets.
Just a couple more blocks and I’ll be there on his street. Just a couple more! I can do this! I can make it there before midnight, I can do this! (Pep talking myself didn’t work all that well, but at least I tried)

When my world is falling apart
When there’s no light to break up the dark
That’s when I look at you!

I can fucking do this!

When the waves are flooding the shore
And I can’t find my way out anymore
That’s when I look at you!

Just as I turned on to his street, fireworks started flying in to the air, popping and shedding light on the cold, snowy streets of New Jersey. Red, blue, green, purple, any colour you can possibly think off was colouring the night sky. A couple of tears ran down my cheeks, but I quickly pulled myself together, speeding up even more.
I saw his house up ahead and before I was even remotely close, I saw him run out of his house, unzipped jacket covering him, his white hair being coloured by the numerous fireworks.

You appear just like a dream to me
Just like kaleidoscope colours that cover me

We ran towards each other, our faces only momentarily being lighted.

All I need
Every breath that I breathe

“Frankie!” I could hear him all out.
“Gerard!” I called back. The distance between us quickly shortened. Only inches. Then nothing at all.

Don’t you know
You’re beautiful!

I cupped his cheeks, his arms snaking around my waist, pulling us together, our lips colliding in a deep kiss. I wished I could have frozen this moment, right there, right now and live in it forever.
It felt like no time had pasted at all since I last felt his lips, but at the same time it felt like it was years. It was just me and him and numerous fireworks lighting the night sky that just now seemed to come to life. Before the sky looked like it was full of dead stars, a massive graveyard; now it all came to life in the colours of firework and the love shared between Gerard and I. It was like a storm of butterflies was fluttering inside my stomach just because of that kiss, just because I was in Gerard’s arms again.
We pull away, both heavily breathing from the lack of air, our foreheads still pressed together. I noticed wet lines decorating Gerard’s cheeks, but he was smiling nonetheless and so was I.
“Happy New Year sweetheart” he breathed out, his hands reaching up to cup my cheek. I leaned in to the touch, feeling waves of warmth travelling down my body.
“Happy New Years Gee” I said, then resealed out lips together, sliding my tongue over his lower lip, quickly getting access. It started out as a gentle kiss, tongues occasionally brushing against each other, but it soon turned heated, lustful. My hands slipped down from Gerard’s cheeks, grabbing his unzipped jacket, pulling us even closer, which I didn’t think was possible.
“I missed you so fucking much” Gerard said mid kiss, his lips swiping against mine.
“I missed you too. God, you don’t know how much I’ve missed you” I said, a small smile of joy crossing my lips before Gerard crashes his lips to mine again, his tongue immediately taking dominance and I let myself completely too him.
Even though our actions were heated, cold jolts still ran through my body, because of my unzipped coat, under which I had only a plain t-shirt, my body now shaking.
“Let’s go inside before we freeze to death” smile Gerard against my lips. I nodded, staring in to his eyes that seemed to regain that light, that spark that had been missing for so long. We kissed one more time, then walked hand in hand to the house, taking pauses in between to kiss, unable to keep our hands off each other anymore.

As we got inside I began to take off my coat, now being in a very very warm environment, but before I could even get it off my shoulders, I was pushed against the front door, Gerard’s lips crashing on to mine. With one swift move he removed my coat, letting it drop to the floor, my arms wrapping around his neck, my fingers tangling up in his short hair that was now slowly growing back to its past length.
“Lose the jacket” I growled out mid kiss, feeling myself become harder and harder each second. Gerard groans out, his lips moving to my jaw line and neck, removing his leather jacket at the same time. His hands slip up my thighs, our bodies still pressing tightly against each other. I buck my hips forward, grinding myself against Gerard’s own bulge, causing him to bite down on my neck, which only turned me on even more. Gerard’s hands that now had reached my ass, squeezing tightly before he hoisted me up, slamming my back against the door as I wrapped my legs around his waist. We lock eyes, Gerard’s pupils blown wide with lust. His lips again connect to mine and I bite his lower lip, earning a groan that sent jolts through my body and right in to my dick that was now painfully hard. Gerard keeps his hands tightly on my ass, keeping me up and I again wrap my arms around his neck, and as I do so, he pulls me away from the door and he slowly starts carrying me towards the stairs. Now I move down to his neck, biting down on his pale skin, hearing him whimper and moan out as I mark every inch of his neck, biting hard and sucking harder.
We reach the top of the stairs, Gerard ramming me in to the wall that separates his and Mikey’s room. Right now I was pretty goddamn thankful Mikey was away with Gina, knowing this won’t be so quiet.
Before his hands grew too weak to hold me up, Gerard moved us to his room, throwing me on the bed, not even bothering to close the door, immediately climbing over me, resealing our lips together in a heated lustful kiss.
“God I want you!” Gerard moaned out as he took off my shirt, throwing it away like it was trash. I grabbed Gerard’s belt, pulling him closer to myself, feeling his bulge press against my thigh.
“Then take me!” I hissed at him, before harshly resealing our lips, biting down on his lower lip so hard my teeth broke the skin, a small string of blood running down to his chin.
Gerard growled in to my mouth sending vibrations all over my body. I ripped apart his button up shirt, buttons flying around the room. Gerard clearly didn’t mind, as his hands moved down to my belt, quickly undoing it, then slowly, teasingly pulling down the zipper and undoing the button, keeping his eyes on me the whole time, slowly licking his lips, removing the blood on his perfect pink lips that were now lightly swollen.
I grunted in frustration, wrapping my legs around his waist and with one swift move I flipped us over, putting myself on top, straddling his hips and grinding against him. He moaned, his eyes travelling down to where our crotches were pressed against each other. He started bucking his hips, each time harder, sending me in to a lust-blown state of ecstasy.
I crashed my lips back on to his, quickly moving to his jaw line, biting down on his skin and trailing over the hickies forming on his neck. I felt his hands cup my ass, squeezing, and continuing to buck his hips forward.
I moved my mouth down to his chest, licking my way down to his stomach, biting towards his hipbones that were more visible then I had remembered. I quickly undid his jeans, pulling them and his boxers down at the same time, Gerard’s hard cock springing free.
Gerard flipped us over again, placing himself between my legs, slowly removing my jeans, removing my boxers even slower, his lips trailing down my stomach, until he reached the base of my cock. He placed a few kisses, before licking up my length, cleaning the pre-cum. I threw my head back, my eyes closed, moans escaping my lips from the unbelievable pleasure of Gerard’s tongue.
Next time I opened my eyes, I saw Gerard sucking on two of his fingers, his dark hazel eyes fixed on me. I ran my fingers through his hair, gently pushing his head down. He took his fingers out of his mouth and pressing them against my hole. I whimpered at the touch, the tips of his fingers circling around my hole, teasing. With a seductive smirk, he pressed in with his fingers, causing me to moan out in pleasure and slight pain. But, God, did it feel good.
“You like that, huh?” Gerard purred out, pushing further inside me.
“Mhm” I whimpered out, nodding. He pushed deeper inside, moving himself back up to my lips, sealing them together with his. He started slowly thrusting his fingers inside me, scissoring, stretching me.
“Oh, baby. So fucking good” I panted.
“Want me to make it better sweetheart? You want me to make so good you’ll scream my name?” Gerard smirked. I nodded, no longer able to speak from the pleasure his fingers were causing inside me. He pulled his fingers out, taking the pleasure away from me. I frowned slightly, already missing his touch. Gerard reached to his nightstand, pulling a bottle of lube out of the drawer, opening the lid with a pop. My lips curved in to a smile as I watched him coat his thick cock with the lube, stroking himself a couple of times before he pressed the tip of his dick to my entrance, causing me to whimper, wanting to feel him inside me.
“Oh you little needy slut” Gerard smirked. He began slowly pushing inside, but only his tip. I moaned out as my entrance stretched around him, needing to feel more!
“How much do you want me to fuck your brains out? How much do you want my dick inside you?” he asked, pulling out completely, leaving me in a whimper.
“I need your thick cock inside me. I need it so bad” I groaned, licking my lips, grabbing his hips. He resealed our lips one more time, before he penetrated inside me, slowly pushing until he was completely buried inside me. Slight pain rushed up my spine, but was there only momentarily and replaced by mind blowing sensational pleasure.
Gerard didn’t waste with time, not even letting me adjust to his size, before he began thrusting inside me, fast and hard, the sound of skin slapping against skin feeling the room.
“Oh God, you’re so tight!” Gerard panted out, slamming inside me again, this time hitting my prostate with full force. I screamed out his name, ecstasy running through my veins. He kept on ramming in my prostate, sending pulses of pleasure all over my body, each pulse more intense than the one before.
“I love you so damn much!” I screamed out, my nails digging in to his back, my legs wrapping tight around his waist, moaning and panting.
“I love you too” Gerard groaned. He thrusted twice more, before I felt him twitch inside me, filling me up with his warm clear-white liquid. After he sloppily moved in and out, coming down from his orgasm, then pulled out, his cum running out of my hole.
Gerard rolled off me, lying down next to me and entwining our fingers.
“Oh my God” I said, breathing heavily.
“Aha” Gerard agreed. I turned my head to look at Gerard, finding him already looking back at me, with a smile on his lips. He leaned in, closing the small space between us, and gently kissed me. His hand travelled down my body to my still completely hard dick. He wrapped his fingers around my length, slowly stoking it. I moaned in to his mouth and he smirked in to the kiss.
Even though he was slowly pumping me, his hand was tightly wrapped around me and soon enough, I felt a knot form in my lower stomach and a second later, I came. Hard. My cum coated Gerard’s hand and my stomach in clear-white strings.
I panted, feeling sensitive all over my body. I rolled on to my side, curling up against Gerard, who wrapped his arms around me, placing soft kisses to my temples as I came down from my orgasm.
“I love you sweetheart” Gerard mumbled, his head resting on my head.
“I love you too” I looked up at him, meeting his soft hazel eyes.
“And I’m really sorry for everything” I added.
“I’m sorry too Frankie... I should have given you a chance to explain sooner” he said, pressing a kiss to the tip of my nose.
“Well, you are one stubborn ass” I giggled. Gerard widely smiled, then pressed his lips to mine, our tongues slowly brushing against each other.
“You wanna take a shower, get this sticky stuff off each other?” Gerard asked when we pulled away.
“Sure” I nodded, pecking his lips.
We got out of bed, not bothering to put on even our boxers. We made our way to the bathroom, our fingers entwined. We stepped in to the shower, hot water running over our bodies.
“I love you so much Frankie” Gerard said against my lips: “I just wanna love you forever and take you on cute dates and fuck you and buy you food and sleep with you every night. I wanna do everything with you, experience everything with you”
I smiled fondly at him, my heart doing back flips, then kissed him deeply. As we were kissing, I felt something press against my thigh. I broke the kiss and looked down, seeing Gerard fully erected cock.
I looked up at him, one eyebrow raised.
“I see you’re ready for round two” I smirked. Gerard slightly blushed, running his hands through my hair and pulling me in to a kiss. I pushed him against the wall, disconnecting our lips and dropping to my knees, immediately taking him in to my mouth, swirling my tongue around his length, swallowing his pre-cum. Gerard moaned, throwing his head back, his hands tangled in my hair, guiding my head forward, gently pushing me to take more of him in to my mouth. Soon enough I was deep-throating him, swallowing around him, the bathroom filled with Gerard’s moans and pants.
I swallowed around him one more time before I felt his dick twitch. He came down my throat and I did my best to swallow it all, but some of it still ran down my chin. Gerard dropped down next to me, licking the cum off my chin, then kissed me.
“You are amazing sweetheart” Gerard breathed out, pressing another sloppy kiss to my lips.
“I know” I smiled, pecking his lips. He giggled, then wrapped his arms around me, pulling me in to his lap, hot water still running over us.

We stayed in the shower until the water turned cold and we were forced to get out. By the time we got redressed it was already around 4 am, and we honestly didn’t want to go to sleep, because we wanted to spend the entire night together. So we went downstairs to make some coffee, making out the entire time. With coffee mugs in hand we returned back upstairs.
We slowly drank the coffee, exchanging small talk. After we finished our coffees we crawled on the bed. I was leaning back on the headboard, Gerard’s head resting in my lap.
“You have no idea how much I love you” I said, running my fingers through Gerard’s short white hair (I still wasn’t the biggest fan of that hair style).
“But I think I love you more” Gerard giggle.
“I doubt it, but seriously baby. You have no fucking idea how much I love you. Everything about you is amazing. Every iniquity, every flaw. You’re just amazing. I love that you’re wishy washy and super caring and make me feel good when I’m sad and you are funny and down to earth, but irrational at the same time and you’re so complicated and so simple and I totally understand you, but I don’t get you at all at the same time and you are so perfect it makes me wanna cry. And I think I am going to cry, because I can’t believe I have you back. Even though you were so fucking cold and stubborn and I really wanted to hate you, I honestly wanted to, but I couldn’t because I love you! Right now I just really wanna watch one of your shitty movies and cuddle and have you play with my hair and I want to argue with you about what pizza we’re gonna order even though we both know we’ll order Hawaiian, because it’s my favourite and you’ll just give me all the pineapple because I know you hate it. Then we’re gonna argue about something dumb, until one of us almost cries, but in the end we’ll laugh about it.
You don’t understand how much I missed all that! I missed you so damn much and I couldn’t even imagine moving on, even though I wanted to, because I thought you hated my fucking guts, and you probably did and I’m sorry for everything and... To tell you the truth, I really don’t have much to offer. But I’ll still give you everything I’ve got, even if it’s barely anything at all. I’ll give you late thoughts, long hugs, someone you can always talk to, someone that will care for you, someone who will always be there for you, a hand to hold, somebody to lean on. And if all of that is not enough, then just know you have all of me. And I really hope that’s enough.
I love you Gerard and I’m never letting you go again”
Gerard stared at me wide eyed, tears visible in his eyes. He sat up, his lips crashing in to mine, tears quickly mixing in between adding a salty flavour.
I pulled away, cupping Gerard’s cheeks and wiping away his tears with my thumbs.
“Please, baby don’t cry” I cooed.
“I love you so much” he whispered, sniffing. I smiled widely, tears now gathering in my own eyes.
“I love you! You stayed, even when I tried to push you away, you never left even when you could have, any other person would have left. And I don’t know what made you stay, but I’m so damn glad you stayed” he said, sniffing a couple times in between to pull himself together.
“Baby, I stayed because I know how happy we make each other. I know that I don’t want anyone else but you. I never will, it will always be you” I told him.
“You’re the only one for me too Frankie, you always will be! But you broke me in ways I didn’t think I could be broken and now I can’t seem to fit all the shards back together and I tried to write about you, I tried expressing myself by drawing and painting, but all that came out was one continues scream, because I realised that without you I am not whole. I’m just a half of something incomplete without you and now that I have you again, and I hope I have you forever, I feel like my heart is fixed, that my soul came back to life and just... I just can comprehend how much I love you and how much you can affect me! And even though I love you this much, please don’t expect me to always be good and kind and loving. There will be times when I’ll be cold and thoughtless and hard to understand, but that’s just how I am. Even though I’ll be like that, just know that I love you no matter what”
“So you’re gonna be a bitch you’re entire life?” I giggled.
“Yes, probably, but just listen to me” he smiled, taking both my hands in his, looking deep in to my eyes: “It’s just... I look at you and I see the kind of person I want to share the rest of my life with. And I know I probably sound crazy, but I’ve never been able to look at someone the way I look at you. Frankie you are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I hope you feel the same way about me”
I watched him as he reached in the drawer of his nightstand, momentarily letting go of my hands, taking something small in to his hand. He turned back to me, a nervous smile curving his lips.
“Frank Iero, I love you with all my heart and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you, because you’re my everything”
He opened up his palm, and there in the middle of it, was a ring.
I looked back up at him, tarring my look from the golden ring with small clear diamonds around the band, the small smile fading from my lips.
“Frank, will you marry me?”
I knew he was going to ask me that question before he even opened his mouth. And I knew the answer before he even finished the question.

Notes

Hey sweethearts :) sorry it took so long for me to update, I was having massive writerblock... But anyways hope you're still enjoying this :)

Please leave comments (I'd really appreciate it), rate and subscribe

Like always stay fabulous, I love you all <3 xoxo