Maybe This Could Work...

One week. One school week. Monday to Friday and I felt like I was stuck in hell. It was all pretty much the same the whole week... I cried through most of the nights, clutching on to this or that alcohol bottle that I took from Bob’s liquor cabinet, not really doing anything other than that.
And yes, I did get detention because I ran out of Gerard’s class without any valid reason. I got detention basically every day, because I either wasn’t paying attention or I missed most of my classes, because I either couldn’t stand being sober and having all those heart breaking thoughts running around in my head or my hangover was too much to bear.
All in all, I was a complete and utter mess. And I guess I have Bob to thank from keeping me from destroying myself completely.
I think it was Wednesday night where all the pain got to me, got inside my head and with the help of booze, I stumbled to the bathroom of Bob’s small apartment and found his spare razors. Maybe if I was sober I might have achieved self-harming, but since I was shit-faced drunk, I made a lot of noise just getting one razor out of the packet and of course I woke Bob up, who took the razors from me and literally smacked me back to my senses and then had a firm talk with me, that how I cannot ruin my life because of one person. But he didn’t really understand! That person was Gerard!
No, he’s not perfect. He’s a human and he’s flawed. But he’s perfect to me, and he’s perfect for me. And that’s all that matters. Even though he’s a stubborn bastard who won’t listen to a single word I say.
He’s amazing and wonderful and creative and perfect... But he’s an ass.
I had to help Bob in the comic store maybe twice or three times, but he quickly dismissed me, because I was being shitty at it, once by puking on a new shipment of comics and after that even he almost kicked me out. But thankfully he didn’t.
I had only learned what had been happening to Gerard on Thursday, the 23th when Gina spotted me in school. I’ve honestly been avoiding her until then, I’ve been avoiding pretty much everyone, not wanting to talk to anyone, not even see anyone. But I knew I couldn’t avoid my best friend forever.
I ran in to her, while making my way to the men’s room like every lunch time again.
“I need to talk to you” she firmly said, grabbing my hand, not even giving me time to protest and dragged me to the empty janitors closet. I was pretty hungover and it took a couple firm shakes from her to get my complete attention.
“What? What do you want?” I asked, my voice hoarse as fuck.
“We need to talk about something...” she said, and I could see she was a little hesitant about telling me.
“What is it?” I frowned, surprising the need for vomiting that was slowly growing in my stomach.
“It’s about Gerard” she then said after a few moments of silence. I thought about listening to her, hearing what about Gerard she wanted to tell me or should I just get out of there. I decided on the later.
“Nope, bye Gina” I said, but she again grabbed my arm and pulled me back, my body hitting the back wall like a dead fish. I frowned even more, surprised at her determination.
“You’re gonna listen to me!” she said, which sounded like yelling to me, but she probably just said it really really loudly.
I gave her an annoyed look, making sure she knew how much I didn’t like this, but she ignored me and proceeded to tell me what was wrong with Gerard. Deep down I cared, I really did, but the idiotic, hungover me didn’t.
“He’s hurting really bad Frankie, he’s destroying himself!” she said, a genuine concerned look on her face.
“Why? What is he doing?” I asked, the deep down me rising to the surface.
“I was with Mikey yesterday, we went on a date and after we went back to their house, and we were just watching a movie, when Gerard stumbled downstairs. He was really pale and very clearly drunk with a half empty bottle of vodka still in hand and his wrists were bloody and he couldn’t take two steps before he fell to the ground!”
I listened, my eyes growing wide with each word and what scared me the most, she wasn’t done talking...
“Mikey and I tried to help him as best as we could, but he wouldn’t listen to reason! He puked over most of the kitchen, but still managed to finish that stupid vodka and he cried and screamed, calling for you, saying that if you won’t come here and help him this instant that he’ll kill himself, that he can’t live without you, but that he still hates you for what you did. He often calls Natalie a fucking slut and then drinks more... But last night was the worse. He got so angry he punched the bathroom mirror, slicing up his hand and when I helped Mikey carry him to his room after he had passed out... I just couldn’t believe my eyes. There were alcohol bottles everywhere and empty pill bottles, the place was completely trashed... it was horrible Frank! Please, please try to talk to him before he actually kills himself, because he’s not far from it!”
By the time she was done, tears were running down my eyes, my lip trembling.
I don’t know what was raging inside me; anger, disappointment at myself, sadness, hopelessness, but it felt like a storm that was going to rip through me any second.
“Frank?” Gina’s soft, yet concerned voice snapped me out my thought.
“You’ll talk to him, right?” she asked with an almost pleading look.
“Yeah, yeah... I’ll talk to him tomorrow” I nodded, still overwhelmed by what she had told me.
“You promise?”
“I promise”

Half way back to Bob’s apartment, I was well determent to break that promise. How could I talk to him if ever time I try, he either ignores me or quickly dismisses me. And believe me I tried, firstly by trying to dodge that detention, and after that at least three times wanting to explain myself. So what would make tomorrow any different? Frankly I still cared about Gerard, I still loved him, but being as stubborn as he was, I don’t know how much more I could do.
To distract myself from any thoughts about Gerard, I put earphones in my ears and plugged them in to my phone, putting the music on shuffle and basically skipping every single love song.
I walked down the street, by boots crushing the snow beneath me and small clouds of smoke drifting from my mouth as I exhaled in to the cold winter air. It’s been a couple years since it had been this cold and it felt like December would be here to stay forever. Like I said, winter was not my favourite time of year, but it seemed to perfectly match my life now. Cold, empty.
I was a bitter, lonely mess. But that’s the funny thing is that the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life’s cruel like that. A cruel irony.
I was completely zoned out, not really paying attention were I was going, when all of a sudden, I was knocked on the ground, falling face forward in to the snow and scraping my knees on the curb of the sidewalk.
“What the he-“ I started to say, removing the snow from my face, my cheeks burning from the cold, but then I looked up and it was like I had lost the ability to speak. I just stared wide eyed at the man before me, clutching on to a bag of liquor bottles, his face paler then I remembered it, dark circles under his eyes and an almost scared look on his face, his eyes dark. His yellow scarf was loosely hanging around his neck, his coat wide open and revealing several layers of shirts and hoodies, his boots untied.
“Gerard?”
My voice was raspy, cracking. It sounded like the loudest word I had ever spoken in my head, but it probably wasn’t nothing more than a whisper. I was still on the ground, not really feeling the cold spreading through my body, not really feeling the burning in my cheeks, all there was, was him.
And he just stared back at me, his eyes wide, his mouth agape. It was like he was seeing a ghost. Maybe I was a ghost to him now, something that died in his past, leaving a whole behind.
God, I wished I was a ghost, so I could just disappear right there and then.
Gerard then turned on his heels and started walking down the street. As he turned I saw tears piling in his eyes. For a moment I couldn’t believe he just did that. He just walked away without a single word! But I soon caught up with everything.
“Gerard!” I shouted after him, finally picking myself up and dusting off the snow.
“Are you seriously just gonna walk away?!” I yelled, taking a few steps after him. He didn’t answer, he just quickened his step.
“Gee, please listen to me! Gerard!!”
Nothing. He speed walked to the end of the street, then turned around the corner, disappearing from my sight. I stared after him, half expecting for him to come running back any second now, but all that came from around that corner was a gust of wind, blowing the snowflakes around.
I ran my hand through my hair, already feeling the tears gathering in my eyes, for some reason panic erupting inside me. I collapsed down on the curb of the side walk, covering my ears with my hands, pushing my head against my knees as hard as I could, trying to push the little voice inside my head saying that Gerard doesn’t love me anymore, that he hates me, that he would be happiest if I were dead.

I don’t know how the hell I got back to the apartment. I didn’t remember anything after collapsing to the ground, except the voices.
I slammed the door shut behind me when I entered, my school bag falling off my shoulder and walking straight to the liquor cabinet, where there was one last bottle of whisky left. I took it and slumped down in front of the couch, quickly twisting the top off the bottle and taking one big gulp, the amber liquid burning my throat as it travelled down to my stomach. Even though I was drinking a lot this week, I never got used to the burning sensation alcohol usually caused, but I drank anyone, until I was so intoxicated I just didn’t care about the burning anymore.
Each sip made my head spin more, but the rage, the brokenness, the hopelessness just grew and grew and grew, my sanity seemingly to slip away slowly. Soon enough I imagined him; I imagined Gerard sitting across from me in the, already completely gone to hell, armchair, sitting cross-legged, his arms bent, elbows pressing down on his knees and his head resting on his open palms. He had a light smirk on his face, his eyes sparkling like I remembered them, his skin porcelain pale. He was wearing that leather jacket I love so much on him, perfectly fitting skinny jeans and high black boots, a pastel colour shirt.
“I hate you!” I yelled at him. I took another sip.
“No, you don’t” he shook his head, his voice distant, echoing through the room.
“Yes, I do! I hate you! I hate how you’re treating me! I hate that you won’t even look at me or talk to me! I hate you! I hate you! I HATE YOU!!” I screamed, tears streaming down my cheeks. Gerard remained in the armchair, looking at me with a curious look. I sobbed out, my words becoming slurred and unrecognisable. I took another big gulp of the whisky, sniffing a couple of times to pull myself together. Kind of...
I looked back up at Gerard, his head tilted to the side, his eyes wide, almost in amusement.
“I’m getting the sense that you hate me” he said, a light smile curving his perfectly pink lips. I sniffed again, looking at my hands.
“I love you... I will always love you” I cried out, taking another swing.
“But you said-“
“I know what I said” I snapped up at him. He continued to watch me with a smile on his face, his eyebrow slightly raised.
“I love your eyes...” I finally said, looking up at him through my messy hair: “They’re gorgeous. It’s like their filled with star shine”
“Really?”
I nodded, taking another sip.
“But I hate how stubborn you are. A stubborn mule is better then you” I bitterly smirked. Another sip. Gerard thought about my statement for a moment, one of his eyes slightly closed which just added to the thinking expression.
“But I’m hotter than a stubborn mule” he then said, smiling widely.
“I love your smile though. Especially when it’s from the heart, like when you draw or when you watch one of those stupid movies of yours” I drank.
“Hey! They’re not stupid” he protested.
“Yes, they are” I retorted: “But I would always sit countless hours watching them just because you like them”
“I know” he smirked.
“I hate you-“
“No, you don’t, we’ve already established that”
“Let me finish! I hate you when you put up your walls, refusing to except help from anyone! Why can’t you just fucking let Mikey help you! Why wouldn’t you let me help you!!” I yelled at him, hurt, needing another sip.
“Because I don’t want your help!” he said a little louder, now serious.
“Because you’re mad at me” I sigh.
He shook his head: “I’m not mad at you. I’m hurt. There’s a difference”
I watched him for a few moments, with a very much annoyed look, before taking another sip, noticing how little of the liquid is left in the bottle.
“I love how obsessed you are with coffee though...” I then say, drinking half of what was left.
“I’m not obsessed with it, I just need it to survive” he rolls his eyes.
“Aka obsessed”
“But you are too” he said.
“I’m not. I just like it”
Gerard shrugged, leaning back in the armchair, keeping his look on me.
“But you know what I hate the most about you?” I asked him, emptying the bottle.
Gerard wonderingly looked at me, raising his eyebrows.
“I really fucking hate how fast you jump to conclusion! Any normal fucking person would let me explain what happened, without throwing me away like fucking garbage!!”
Then the front door opened, Bob stepping inside.
“Who are you talking too?” he asked, clearly concerned. I looked back at the armchair, finding an empty space, Gerard gone.
“I...Ammm.. No one...” I mumbled, tears slowly running down my cheeks again.
“Are you drunk?” Bob asked, closing the door behind him.
“No, I’m fine” I said, running my hands though my hair.
“Ya sure?”
I nodded.
“Okay, well if you need me, I’m downstairs” he said, then disappeared again. I again looked at the armchair, expecting Gerard to return, but there was still nothing, only an empty chair.
I sighed deeply, then dragged myself to the bathroom to take a shower and clear my head. I didn’t want to have a throbbing hangover headache when I’ll actually talk to him tomorrow, determent to make him talk back.

When I woke up in the morning, realising I had fallen down from the couch, my brain immediately reminding me of what was in stored for me.
Through the day I was calm and chill, until my fourth period, which was art. Since it was the 24th we were asked to make anything Christmasy.
I checked the clock that was hung above Gerard’s desk, seeing there was only five minutes left of the class and just like that I became nervous, my palm quickly getting sweaty, my heart racing.
‘No! You can do this! You have to do this!’ I said to myself in my head, my look travelling to Gerard, who was sitting behind his desk, working on some papers.
Until time was up, I pretended to be deep in to working on the stupid deer I was drawing, but my mind was completely focused on what I was going to say to him. Before falling asleep last night I came up with a plan what I was going to do, I even thought of how the conversation was going to go, now all I needed was Gerard to follow that plan, which I very much dough he will.
The bell rang, the noise travelling through the entire room, Gerard absentmindedly saying that we can leave.
I took a deep breath, taking a perfectly wrapped Christmas gift out of my bag, and with quivering legs walked over to his desk, feeling my heart pounding against my chest.
For a moment I stood in front of him, waiting for him to acknowledge my presents, but he just kept on reading through the papers.
I cleared my throat, hoping that would catch his attention. He stopped reading and I could hear him quietly sigh, before his looked up, his tired, sad eyes meeting mine.
“May I help you Mr. Iero?” he asked.
I opened my mouth and for a couple of seconds I just stood there, mouth open like a fish out of water. Gerard stared up at me, now both his eyebrows raised, waiting for me to finally speak.
“Well?” he then said, annoyed. I quickly remembered the gift in my hand. I took another deep breath through my nose, pushing away the nervousness and the fear, then I placed the gift on his table.
“Here” I said, my voice cracking slightly. He looked at the package, then back at me.
“What is this?” he asked.
“It’s you Christmas gift. I thought it would be only fair that you get it” I said, shrugging to seem nonchalant.
“Mr. Iero, I can’t take this” he then said. I swallowed down the urge to scream at him, looked around if anyone was still in the classroom. We were alone, thank you God! I turned back to face Gerard, my lips forming a straight line.
“Stop it with the Mr. Iero, Gerard. Stop it, ‘cause I’m not buying it and I know you’re not either. Can you please just listen to me before you run away from me again” I said, keeping my voice clear, keeping contact with his eyes.
He was silent for a while, his eyes combing through my face.
“You’ve got one minute”
It was like a rock had rolled out of my heart, allowing me to breathe normally again.
“First of all, again I’m sorry, I really am. But what you saw wasn’t what you think it was! Natalie kissed me...” he slightly flinched at that: “... and I immediately pushed her away, telling her to fuck off! Both Gina and I told her I didn’t like girls that I have a boyfriend and she wouldn’t listen, so please understand that it wasn’t my fault. I love you Gerard, and I would never do something like that to you. I love you! And I miss you so fucking much... I know you’ve been destroying yourself over this, and it kills me to see you that to yourself!
Just... I love you and... I’m just asking if you can forgive me”
By the time I was done talking, more than a minute had past and my cheeks were completely wet from tears. Gerard’s face stayed like a mask through it all. Then he sighed, covering his face with his hands.
“Is that everything... Frank?” he then asked, his voice nothing more than a whisper. I was a little shocked and more disappointed at his words, but I nodded nevertheless, quietly mumbling: “Yeah, that’s it”
Because honestly, I didn’t know what more I could say.
“Then you better get to your next class” he said, a little, barely noticeable smile, curving his lips: “It be best you don’t get detention today of all days”
“Yeah, okay” I said, still disappointed, but still glad he tried to smile, and overjoyed that he talked to me! I turned around and walked towards the door, happy that he didn’t try to return his gift again.
“Frank?” Gerard called me, right when I reached for the door knob.
“Yes?” I turned around, in my head expecting him to run to me and we would kiss passionately, tarring at each other’s cloths. But he remained behind his desk, taking his gift in to his hands.
“Thanks for this and... Merry Christmas” he said, the smile becoming a little more visible.
“Yeah, Merry Christmas” I vaguely smiled back, then walked through the door and ran to my next class.
It was less then I had expected would happen, but I was sort of happy anyways. He talked to me and listened to me. It was a start.

Notes

Hey sweethearts... So here's the new chapter if any of you are still interested in the story....

Stay Fabulous <3 xoxo