Maybe This Could Work...

It was one of the worse night of my life. Besides my mother’s death, I have never cried this much or this hard. It felt like my heart was going to explode any second, leaving a bloody massacre behind. So many stupid love songs were rushing through my head, so many memories of me and Gerard, so many moments of love that were now like broken glass, piling in the pit of my stomach.
I tried calling him again in the morning and numerous times during the day. I sent him texts, apologising a million times. I spent most of the day cocooned on the couch, in Bob’s small apartment above the comic store, and most of that time was spent staring at Gerard’s red tie that I forgot to leave behind at his place and tears running down my cheeks like a water fall. Never ending.
And I was glad Bob didn’t mind that I was crying and sobbing all the time, he even made coffee for me in the morning, saying I can stay with him as long as I want, but that I’d had to occasionally help out in the store, with which I was completely okay with me. Something to get my mind off of everything.
When I finally realised that Gerard will not answer my calls or text and when I finally pulled myself together enough to stop the tears, I decided to call Mikey, just to make sure Gee was okay.
“Hello?” Mikey answered.
“Hey, Mikes, it’s Frank” my voice was so hoarse from the crying I barely recognised it.
“Hey, Frankie” he said a little more quiet: “You doing okay?”
“No...” I admitted.
“Is Gerard okay?”
“Dude, it’s really bad... He’s really hurting. What did you do?”
“It... I... I wanted to explain to him, but he wouldn’t let me”
“But what happened?”
“... He was... Amm... A girl from my school kissed me and he saw”
“Oh, dude...” Mikey sighed, and I could almost see him face-palming himself.
“I know I screwed up, but she kissed me! I didn’t want anything to do with her!” I defended myself.
“Did you tell him it wasn’t you that kissed her?”
“I told you! I tried but he wouldn’t let me”
He was silent for a moment.
“Give him time okay? And don’t worry too much, I’m keeping an eye on him... So to speak”
“Okay... But... Can you please tell him that I’m sorry?”
“Of course... If he’ll ever come out of his room” Mikey assured me.
“Thanks...” I mumble. We said our goodbye’s then, and hung up.
I closed my eyes, throwing my arm on my face and sighed deeply. I didn’t sleep much after Bob kindly gave me his couch. I kept on quietly crying, clutching on to the blanket that was covering my shaking body, trying to imagine it was actually Gerard. Each time I closed my eyes I could so clearly see his face, so hurt, in so much pain.
“Okay there, little dude?”
I opened one of my eyes and looked opposite from the couch, at Bob who was sipping his coffee in the run down armchair, something close to concern expressed on his face.
“Why can’t the world just die?” I asked, my voice raspy.
“That bad, huh?” Bob raised his eyebrow.
“Worse” I mumble.
“Don’t worry, you’ll be okay” Bob tried to comfort me.
“I doubt it” I said, closing my eyes again and just like that Gerard was in my head again. Not that he really left, but now the image of his face was so much clearer. His hazel eyes drowning in sorrows, his lower lip lightly trembling, all colour draining from his cheeks, making him even paler then he already was, almost matching the colour of his short white hair.
I haven’t really grown fond of his new hair style and I probably never will, but right now I missed running my fingers through it, feeling it on my fingertips, tugging and lightly pulling on it during moments of passion.
“You gonna take permanent ruts on my couch?” Bob asked, and I heard he had turned on the television.
“Probably...” I mumbled: “What time is it anyways?”
“It’s 7 pm” said Bob, placing his feet on the small coffee table.
“Did I really spend the entire day on the couch?” I asked.
“Yup” Bob nodded, sipping his coffee.
I sat up on the couch, letting the blanket fall around my waist, running my hand through my messy hair. It was already dark outside, the shutters on the windows already closed and a few lights turned on in the apartment.
“I’m gonna go for a smoke” I said, taking fresh jeans from one of my bags, wanting to get out of these sweatpants. I always felt most comfortable in jeans, so I only wore sweatpants on rare occasions.
I stood outside the comic store, wrapping my coat tightly around my body in attempt to keep myself warm, a cigarette between my lips. Everything outside is calm, snow still covering everything and Christmas lights lit in a couple of small stores. In one word, it was peaceful.
Unlike my heart and head. All sorts of memories were flying around, so many emotions, I thought I was going to break down any second. Yet, I stayed standing there, trying to imagine that the coat was actually Gerard, keeping me warm, pressing his lips to my cheek just to let me know he’s there. But I was alone...
I looked up and down the street, seeing the bright city lights on my right side. I inhaled deeply on the cigarette, imagining how the smoke travelled down my windpipe and in to my lungs.
Knowing that I couldn’t suppress the memories in any way, I decided to just let myself feel what needed to be felt, so I could be almost okay.
I remembered so many small, yet so adorable and amazing things about Gerard; how his hair always looked messy in the morning, even now that it was short. How he could barely speak before having his morning coffee. How he always hummed the same songs while making dinner and how he would sing while in the shower. How it always took him forever to decide what to wear and almost always ending up wearing skinny jeans, a button up shirt with a tie to mach and Converses and how when he came home he would put on one of my hoodies. On weekends when we didn’t go anywhere, he would wear his skeleton onesie and saying that it’d be so cute if I had one too. I always agreed with him.
I loved how caring he was towards Mikey, how strong their brotherly bond was and just seeing that at times made me wish I had a sibling as well.
I loved to watch him draw, even though it bugged him; How he frowned when he wasn’t pleased with the line he drew, how he stuck his tongue out from the corner of his mouth, trying to be as précised as possible, how he would smile when he was finished and how he would throw crumbled up paper at me so I would leave.
I loved that no matter how tired he was or how grumpy or angry he was with me if we had fought over stupid things – once we fought over who was a better Joker, Heath Ledger or Jack Nicholson (in my opinion it was Ledger) – he would always push those things away before coming to bed, saying that no matter how bad things are, never bring your problems in to bed, and then we would either watch a movie in his laptop or just cuddle with gentle kisses and music quietly playing in the background.
I adored how when we watched any of Tim Burtons cartoon films, like Corps Bride or Nightmare Before Christmas, he would quietly sing along to every song.
I loved how he tried to help me with my math homework, even though he didn’t have a single clue about it.
I loved all these things about him, I still do. I love how he can be the biggest dork there ever lived or how he can be the most loving person in the world. He was and is perfect for me, like the only puzzle piece that fitted mine.
And now I’ve lost of all of that...
No more late night talks, no more morning kisses, no more singing or drawing, nothing! It was all gone, because of a stupid, fucking mistake!
I hadn’t realised it, but tears were once again running down my cheeks. I leaned back on the wall behind me, trying to clear the things in my head.
‘We broke up’ I thought, making everything became reality. The truth of those three words was unbearable, crushing even. I slit down the wall, curling up in a small ball and quietly sobbed, my face buried in my knees. I didn’t want the world to exist right now. I didn’t want to exist right now and feeling everything I was feeling, reliving everything that happened, all the bad and the good and in the end the tragic. It was like someone kept stabbing me with a knife, each time finding new ways how to twist the knife, so it would hurt more than before.
I really considered the idea of just getting up and running to his house, banging on the door until he would let me in and explain to him what actually happened. But I took Mikey’s advice to give him time and honestly, I think I needed time too. Actually think about what I’m gonna say to him and in the worst case... Prepare myself for disappointment – for him still wanting that we stay broken up.
I sniffed back the tears, throwing away the burned out cigarette.
I don’t know how long I stayed out there in the cold, freezing my ass off, and I didn’t really care to be honest. If I could, I’d let the cold take me, leave me frozen out there...
But sooner or later Bob came to check on my, telling me to go inside before I freeze to death. I wanted to tell him I wanted to, but I kept quiet, the small light of hope that I might get Gerard back keeping me that way, keeping me sane.

I dreaded going to school the next morning... I knew I’d see Gerard, because I had art last period like every Monday and as much as I wanted to see him, make sure he was okay, I was afraid. I was afraid of being rejected.
Gina waited for me at the school entrance like every morning, a very concerned and sad expression on your face.
“Hey, you okay? Mikey told me what happened...” she said, following me inside the warm hallways of our school.
“Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll be okay” I mumbled headed for my locker. For some reason that sentence stayed in my head all day, and each time anyone asked me if I was okay or just how I was, I told them the same thing: “Yeah, it’s cool, I’ll be okay”
And by my locker waited the she devil herself, the one person I could freely blame for all of this; Natalie. She had a cheeky grin plastered on her face, leaning against my locker, wearing a really tight tank top and a skirt so short it was breaking all school dress codes.
“Frankie, babe” she smiled even wider when she noticed me, flipping her brown hair over her shoulder.
“I’m not your babe” I said, firmly, pushing her away from my locker with the back of my hand, like swiping dust away.
“Oh don’t be like that. I really missed you” Natalie said, trying to make her voice seductive, but to me it just sounded cheap and slutty. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, before turning to face Natalie.
“Okay, Natalie, listen very carefully to me, okay?” I started, and she nodded.
“There is no way in hell that I’ll ever date you, because first of all, I don’t like you and second I’m one hundred percent gay. Do you understand? We are not happening”
Natalie stared at me wide eyed, like I told her that the world was going to explode tomorrow.
“B-but....” she stuttered: “You kissed me”
I shook my head: “You kissed me and I’m sorry Natalie, but... This will never work”
I took my books out of the locker, then without a second thought, turned around and walked to my first class. It might have been a little heartless to just walk away like that, but I really couldn’t care less.
Math, chemistry, P.E., English, biology, geography – everything was okay through the day. Everything was cool, everything was okay. But then came art.
I didn’t walk in five minutes early like I usually did, I didn’t even walk in first. I walked in with the biggest crowd of my classmates, keeping my head down low, but I just couldn’t help myself from taking a glance at him.
He was behind his desk, like at the beginning of every hour, a few papers in hand and a very serious expression on his face as he read through those papers. His short hair was perfectly combed down, light eyeliner riming his eyes. He was wearing a simple button up black shirt, with a black and white tie around his neck and probably black skinny jeans and Converses – as always.
He didn’t look up, he even didn’t glance at us, seemingly completely focused on whatever was on those papers.
The moment I saw him, everything from Saturday night flashed before my eyes and if it weren’t for the other students, I would have ran to him, making everything okay. Instead I took my regular seat by the window, not even bothering to take out my things.
Then class began and Gerard, like always, walks to the front of his desk and takes a look at all of us... Well, this time he didn’t bother looking at me.
My heart sank down to the pit of my stomach and all the pain from last night returned. He doesn’t even want to look at me...
“Guys, I’m tired today” he began to speak, his voice slightly hoarse and weak: “So, just continue what you were going and keep the volume on low, okay?”
Everyone nodded, sounding out a quiet yes.
I looked up from my table and my heart stopped in an instant. I was met by his hazel eyes, sadness so evident in them it broke my heart again and again and again, but a second later he looked away, crossing his arms on his chest. And for the second time that day, my heart sank.
When he crossed his arms his sleeves were pulled up just enough, revealing the white bandages that were wrapping his wrist and from what I could see, even higher up.
My jaw slightly dropped, my eyes grew wide and it was like all time had stopped. I couldn’t believe my eyes.
All sounds of the background faded away, all the noise and all the voices, everything. All that I could think of was, how much I had hurt him for him to do that to himself. I felt like my lungs were shrinking, leaving less and less space for inhaled air, my breaths becoming faster and shallower. The entire room was spinning and Gerard was the centre of it.
I have to get out of here, I can’t do this... I can’t breathe!
I grabbed my bag and walked as fast as I could through the tables, everyone giving me confused looks, and straight towards the door.
“Mr. Iero, where do you think you’re going?” I heard Gerard’s voice. I didn’t stop, I couldn’t. I couldn’t look at him without feeling the guilt and the pain eat me alive inside.
“Mr. Iero?!” he almost shouted after me. I pushed open the door, not bothering to close it behind me and just sprinted down the hallways, tears already running from my eyes, and out the entrance. I didn’t have a destination, I just ran and ran through the streets of Jersey.
‘Get out’ his voice sounded in my head.
‘I want you out of my house’
‘I don’t care where you go’
Everything around me was blurry, the tears uncontrollably flowing down my cheeks, my lungs already burning, my legs going numb. But I didn’t care! All I wanted was to get as far away from Gerard, all the pain and the drama, the hurt and my betrayal. The cold winter air was whipping at my face, making the tears sting. I ran aimlessly, in hope my brain would clear itself of all thoughts and maybe come up with something useful.
I don’t know how much time had passed, but it was already getting dark when I came to the abandoned railroads on the edge of town.
I crashed down on my knees, heavy breaths leaving my body, the tears seemingly freezing on my cheeks.
‘We’re over’
I closed my eyes, feeling the weight of those words, like something was crushing me from the inside out, turning me to dust, slowly and painfully.
I faked a smile and said I was fine, that I was okay, but in reality, I barely made it through the day without crashing down, all day wanting to destroy myself for what I’ve done to Gerard. I wanted to be no one and nothing, disappear from this world. And perhaps maybe I am no one. It’s true I have a body and that I cannot escape from it, even though I would very much like to. I want to fly away, out of my head, but I know that’s out of the question.
I sat down in the middle of the rails, knowing that no train would come, but I still imagined how it would feel, firstly seeing those bright lights coming toward me, the honking of the train, like it would be yelling at me to get off the rails and then the collision. Everything would go away, turning dark.
It’s not that I wanted to kill myself. I didn’t! Because killing myself would mean the end, end of any possibility of my life getting better, for me and Gerard to get back together, to live and actually see the world, to live and actually be alive.
And killing myself would be a selfish act. Causing even more pain for Gerard and then leaving Mikey and Gina behind. No, I can’t do that to them. I can’t and I don’t want to.
I cold gust of wind blew in my face, messing up my hair and placing small snowflakes in it.
I really missed him. His warm embrace, how his lips felt on mine, how his hand perfectly fitted in to mine...
I remembered one day before winter had started. I know it was raining, the rain drops slowly running down the windows, light thunder emerging every now and then.

I wanted to spend the day studying, knowing I’d be stuck inside the house the entire day, but Gerard had different plans for us. I had taken a study break, to go get a glass of water from thekitchen, but when I came downstairs I was shocked at what I saw. All the living room furniture was pushed to the sides, making a clearing in the centre of the room, where a red and blue blanket was laid. Gerard was sitting on said blanket, a big grin across his face, with a box of vegetarian pizza and two cans of diet soda, candles lit all around the room.
“What’s all this?” I asked, looking at everything.
“I was thinking we could have a picnic” Gerard grinned, gesturing to me to sit down next to him.
“A picnic, inside?” I couldn’t believe it.
“Yes a picnic in the rain, but inside where it’s nice and warm” he said, taking me in to his arms and lying my head down on to his lap and kissed me softly.
“You know what... this picnic idea sounds fun” I agreed when he pulled away.
“Yes it does” he nodded, taking a slice of pizza and slowly feeding it to me.

I loved that day, that picnic and all the things we talked about and how even though we were careful, we managed to spill one of the diet sodas.
It was sort of the perfect little date.
I sad little smile curved my lips as I thought about that day as I lit a cigarette, letting the smoke fill my lungs, and then turn the air in to a little lasting mist.
I missed him, all of him, every little dorky thing about him. And I knew I had to get him back. Because without him my world is empty and cold and unbearable.
Without him my world is no longer sane...

Notes

Hey sweethearts :) New chapter's here and I hope you like it :)
One more chapter to go, until we get to a big one so, please bear with me :)

And please go check out this drawing my good friend made for me, cuz it's amazing!

https://twitter.com/KlaraDance/status/630080705012305921 <----- here's the link to it, and while you're checking that out, feel free to follow me on twitter :3 (if you wanna anyways)

But anyways.... Stay fabulous till the next update, and hope with me that the update will happen soon, cuz I wanna get to the big chapter :)
Love ya <3 xoxo