Maybe This Could Work...

Gerard left the dance soon after he saw the love of his life leave. It broke him inside seeing Frank kiss that girl. All the memories of Bert cheating on him came pouring back, causing even more pain. But Gerard knew Frank was nothing like Bert. He half expected from Bert to cheat on him, Gerard knew he would sooner or later and not just once. But Frank... Frank wasn’t like that. Gerard trusted Frank with all his heart and soul, he thought that he would never go through something like this with Frank.
Yet, here he was, standing in front of the high school that offered him a one year job as an art teacher, until the regular teacher returned from her pregnancy leave, smoking a cigarette and crying without even realising it. Every now and then, when it seemed like the tears would stop, Gerard began sobbing, his entire body shaking. He was no longer aware of what was going on around him. He didn’t recognise the teenagers coming and leaving the dance, even though somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he taught those teenagers. He didn’t realize that his cigarette had long burned to the end, until it burned his fingertips. He hadn’t even noticed it had started snowing again.
He didn’t hear that someone was calling him, until that person tugged on his sleeve.
“Gerard, are you okay?”
It took Gerard a few moments to actually acknowledge who it was.
“You should go back inside, Gina. It’s quite cold outside” Gerard said like in a trance.
“Yeah no shit...” Gina smirked, wrapping her short leather jacket around her body.
“What happened?” she gently asked.
Gerard looked at her, now actually seeing her. Her face was much paler then when they had met three months ago. Her eyes had a sort of sadness in them, a sadness Gerard knew all too well from seeing it in his grandmother’s eyes, growing each day more, until she was gone. The sadness was a side effect of dying.
“Gerard?” Gina snapped the young teacher out of his thoughts. What could he say to her? Your best friend in the entire world just broke my heart in to a million pieces and all I want to do now is get drunk and forget the whole thing ever happen. That was one way to go...
“Didn’t he tell you?” he then asked, lighting another cigarette.
“No, he just left. Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“Yeah, or something” sadly smirked Gerard, blowing the smoke out the corner of his lips. Gina stared at him, a questioning look on her face,
“We broke up”
It was like a thousand knives stabbed Gerard in the heart when he said those words out loud. The image of Frank kissing that girl flashed before Gerard’s eyes again, forcing another wave of tears to erupt from his eyes.
As Gerard cried, Gina wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in to a comforting hug. She knew it was something, but she didn’t think it was this bad. After Frank had left, she overheard Natalie talking to her friends how Frank kissed her and how beautiful it was, and that they’re probably together now. Gina interrupted her, saying that can’t be, because Frank has a boyfriend who he loves very much and would never do something like that. But as it turned out, one of Natalie’s friends took a picture of the kiss and Gina was left speechless. That’s when she came out to the front of the school in hopes of finding Frank, to talk to him and get his side of the story, but instead she found a crying Gerard and she couldn’t just ignore the poor guy.
Gerard didn’t really mind the hug, he was just a little concerned someone might see them and get the wrong assumption. He gently pulled her away, giving her a grateful smile right before he started to cry again, his attention fully on the cigarette between his fingers.
“You gonna be okay?” Gina quietly asked.
“Yeah, I just need to get some sleep” Gerard mumbled, deeply inhaling the cigarette smoke.
“It’s all going to be okay, you know that right?”
“It doesn’t feel that way”
Silence fell upon the two, the only sounds travelling through the air was the music emerging from the gymnasium.
“You haven’t told Frank this was your last dance?” then asked Gerard, knowing that Frank wouldn’t have left her here alone if he knew.
“No... Not yet anyways” Gina shrugged.
“Why haven’t you? I thought you told each other everything” said Gerard, slightly raising his eyebrow.
“I don’t know... I just hate seeing him so upset every time he hears that I’m getting worse. If I could, I would have him believe that everything will be okay until the very last bitter end” she explained.
“I get that. You want to protect him”
“So do you. And he wants to protect us both...” Gina sighed, looking up at the snowy, dark night.
Just then Gerard’s phone started ringing, the song Dig Up Her Bones by the Misfits playing through the quiet night. He had set that song for his ring tone after Frank had played it on the guitar that he had gotten him for his birthday and every time Gerard heard it, it reminded him of that moment and what happened that day.
The screen showed Frank’s name and a picture of him and Gerard, their cheeks pressed together so they both fitted on the screen, smiling.
Gerard pressed decline, putting the phone back in to his pocket.
“When are you gonna talk to him?” asked Gina, already knowing who had called him without even seeing the phone screen.
“Maybe I won’t talk to him ever again” Gerard sadly smirked.
“Oh, don’t be like that!” Gina gently slapped his shoulder: “You love him, he loves you. You’re both hurting right now, you probably a little more because you feel betrayed, am I right?”
Gerard nodded.
“When you’ll start missing him, you’ll want to talk to him, trust me”
“That’s the thing” Gerard said, his voice numb.
“I miss him and I don’t want to see or talk to him”
Gina was about to speak again, but Gerard stopped her.
“Go back inside, have fun” he said.
“What about you?”
“I’ll go home... Try to get some sleep”
But that was only half the truth. Yes, Gerard wanted to sleep, but he wanted to sleep without that heart breaking image in his head. He felt like the image was tattooed on the inside of his eyelids, so every time he closed his eyes or even blinked, he saw Frankie’s lips attached to someone else’s.
He knew that the only thing that could help him to forget and survive the night, was alcohol. And lots of it.
The two said their goodbyes, Gina returning inside the gym and Gerard walking to his car. Once he was inside his car, Gerard leaned back in his seat, just watching how the snowflakes covered his car, leaving his in complete darkness. He ran his hand through his short white hair and for a moment he actually missed his long red locks.
To say the least... Gerard was upset. Not only that, but he was broken, destroyed and betrayed. He knew that after tonight, after he’ll pass out either on the living room floor or on his way up to the bedroom, he’ll shut himself down again. He won’t have any motivation for anything, not eating, not waking up, nothing. He’ll tell himself that no one cares, just like Bert didn’t, but deep down he’ll still know that some do. Mikey, Gina, even his parents if he would call them... And a part of him, the part he was trying oh so much to suppress knew that Frank cared too.
He’ll think about all the negative things that had happened to him since he was young, anything bad he could possible think of. He’ll give himself all the pain he always believed he deserved. He wasn’t quite sure why he did this when he was sad, but he always did. It was like he wanted to feel it all, all the pain he thought he deserved, and at the same time he wanted to forget it all, make it fade away like morning fog.
Gerard shoved the car key in the ignition, starting his old grey car and drove home. He drove in silence, not even bothering to turn on the radio.
As he observed his home from his car, the engine now turned off, he couldn’t help himself, but wander if Frank really had left as he told him to do or was he waiting upstairs in their bedroom, waiting. Would he be glad to see him, or would it just destroy him more?
He could see no light escaping the windows of his home, none that he could see that is. Mikey was probably still awake, talking on the phone with Gina or playing that dull video game or listening to music.
Gerard sighed, composing himself one last time before entering, even though he knew that as soon as he will be behind closed doors, the bottle of whisky that he’s been hiding in the kitchen in hand, letting his memories and emotions run free, he’ll break down again. He’ll cry again and he’ll sob again.
He was now standing in front of the door, almost afraid to enter his own home, the home he had created for himself to get his life back together. But now he was afraid.
He was afraid he’ll come in to an empty house, his loves things gone and the only sign that he was ever here, were the dirty dished left in the sink from dinner.
He was afraid he’ll find him there, broken as Gerard was, sitting on the couch or curled up on their bed.
‘Our bed’ Gerard sadly thought. It was no longer their shared bed, but once again his and only his. Cold and empty.
He finally pushed open the front door and stepping inside his home. From freezing cold, he entered a warm environment, the familiar smell filling his nostrils. Everything was quiet.
Gerard took off his jacket, just letting it fall to the ground, and stumbled to the kitchen. It didn’t take him long to find the bottle of whisky that was hidden under the sink and soon enough he was plopped down in front of the couch, the television turned on and put on mute, the tears that had been suppressed down now freely flowing down his cheeks. After each sip of the drink in his hand everything became worse. More memories that he wanted so much to not remember flooded his mind, each causing more tears, more sobs, some even screams.
All those memories...
First memory his brain brought back was when went on an actual date to the movies in the next town, making sure no one knew them there. They didn’t really pay much attention to the movie, because they just couldn’t keep their hands off of each other. When the movie was over, they walked past one of those photo booths and Gerard immediately dragged Frank inside of it, saying that it’s be fun and cute. And it was. The four small pictures popped out at the end and Gerard still had them in his bedroom, in the drawer of his nightstand.
Gerard took another swig of the whisky, letting it burn in his throat.
“Gee?” Mikey’s voice sounded from the stairs. Gerard didn’t answer, instead he tried pulling himself together, not wanting his kid brother to worry about him any more then he already did.
“Gerard?” Mikey called again, slowly making his way to the living room, where he was immediately met with the smell of alcohol. Gerard might have not drank that much yet, but ever since Mikey had lost his sight, all his other senses were heightened and he’d always know if Gerard even had a drop of liquor.
“Gerard, what are you doing?” Mikey asked, trying to take out the harshness in his voice.
“Nothing” Gerard mumbled against the bottle, taking another sip.
“You know I can smell the booze, right?” Mikey asked, a deep sigh escaping his lips as he sat down next to his brother.
“What happened?” he then asked. For only a moment, Gerard took his attention off the bottle in his hand and looked at his baby brother. He wasn’t wearing those sunglasses like he did during the day, but he still kept his eyes closed, knowing how it would freak people out if they saw his eyes.
“I don’t wanna talk about it” then finally said Gerard, tilting the bottle to his lips yet again.
Mikey sighed again, knowing how stubborn his older brother could be and how mad he could get if you pushed too hard to get the truth out of him.
“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid” Mikey then finally said, running his hand through this blond hair.
“To late, Mikes” Gerard said, a sad and pitiful smile curving his lips.
“Please tell me what happened? Why did you want Frankie to leave?” asked Mikey. Gerard slightly flinched when Mikey spoke Frank’s nickname, feeling his heart drop down in to the pit of his stomach.
“I told you, I don’t wanna –“
“No, don’t give me that bullshit, Gerard!” Mikey said, his voice strict.
“Tell me what happened, so I can help you. Please” Mikey almost pleaded, wishing his brother would stop destroying himself.
“When did you become a grown-up?” Gerard bitterly laughed. He knew Mikey meant well, he knew he was only trying to help him get through this, but at this point, Gerard didn’t care anymore. The booze had taken affect and all those memories turning through his mind, thinking he just might go crazy if he remembered one more memory. Yet, his brain kept on providing them. Each time he screamed at himself to stop, another one popped up, breaking him from the inside, ripping his heart apart.
“Gerard, this isn’t a joke!” Mikey said in despair, fearing for his brother’s health... and life.
“Oh, yes it is. It’s a fucking joke! I’m a fucking joke” Gerard kept on smiling, bitter laughs escaping his lips, while tears still ran down his cheeks, the pain in his chest growing each second.
“Every time I let myself fucking feel something, when I finally fucking open up to someone...” a sob broke his voice.
“”Every f-ing, shitty time!” Gerard screamed, tears running like a waterfall. He curled up against the couch, immediately feeling Mikey’s arms around him, comforting him in hug, which only make things worse... Gerard cried and screamed and yelled and sobbed in his brother’s arms, cursing everyone who ever hurt him, everyone that made him shut himself away from the world, he cursed Frank and he cursed that he opened up to him! The climax of it all, was Gerard half in sobs, half crying saying with a shaky voice, that he wished he wouldn’t have ever met Frank. And as soon as he said it, he knew it was the biggest, shittiest lie he had ever said.
He loved him with every fibber of his being... And now, wishing he had never met him, was like wishing that a part of him should disappear, the part that kept him sane.
But even after admitting this to himself – not aloud, but in his mind – he still didn’t want to speak to Frank, nor see him. He wanted to be left alone, to just curl up in a drunken, drugged out ball and be left alone for the rest of his life.
Gerard remembered his teenage years. For most of them he was drunk or high or drugged out, but he recalled one time when he was absolutely sober. He was sat down in the living room of his childhood home, his mother and father both sitting opposite from him. They took the opportunity of Gerard’s soberness to have a discussion with him about his life, where his reckless behaviour was leading him, what it was doing to the people around him, what it was doing to Mikey. Gerard didn’t listen to most of that conversation, but he remembered one sentence his mother had said at the end, in despair and tears over fear of losing her eldest son. She said: “You’ll be dead by twenty-five if you continue like this”
Clearly he had proven her wrong; he was twenty-six, four months or so away from reaching twenty-seven. But then, he thought about her sentence. If he had actually died at twenty-five, he would have missed so much, so many things that had a big effect on him and on how many people he had effected during that time.
“Mikey?” the crying and sobbing had now settled down again, allowing Gerard to speak with a weak voice, a voice that sounded almost scared.
“Yeah, Gee?” replied Mikey, sniffing. Mikey began crying right after he had hugged Gerard, just hearing how broken he was, sent him over the edge.
“Remember when mom said I’d be dead by twenty-five?” Gerard quietly asked, now, not wanting Mikey to release his embrace.
“Yeah, I remember. I was listening in the hallways the whole time” Mikey said.
“Do you remember what you told me after I came home shit-faced drunk that night?”
“Kind of... Something about nothing being the same if you didn’t exist”
Gerard lightly nodded.
“You said: ‘You are not here just to fill space or to be a background character in someone else’s movie. Consider this: Nothing would be the same if you did not exist. Every place you have ever been and everyone you have ever spoken to would be different without you. We are all connected, and we are all affected by decisions and even the existence of those around us’”
“You remembered all of that?” Mikey smiled lightly. Gerard nodded again.
“It was something I kept telling myself that through the whole getting clean and sober thing...” Gerard mumbled, realising all his hard work had been flushed down the toilet.
After that none of them said a thing, the light of the TV screen illuminating both of them as they sat curled up in a tight hug in front of the couch, the empty bottle of whisky by their feet.
Gerard could still feel how much affect the alcohol was having on him, how everything spun around every time his eyes flickered to a new location, how his stomach turned. But he still wanted more.
Yes, Mikey helped, Mikey did a lot to help with just holding him, but he could never make the heart breaking pain leave, no one had that power, no one but Frank...
The only thing Gerard could do was numb the pain, even if only for just one night.
“Let’s go to bed” Gerard suggested, hoping Mikey hadn’t fallen asleep already.
“You gonna be okay?” Mikey asked, his voice tired.
“Yeah...” Gerard nodded, leaving his brother’s embrace, then helping him stand up. He turned off the TV, then both Way brother’s headed up stairs to get some good night’s rest. On his way up to his bedroom, Gerard checked his phone. He had three missed calls from Frank and a text message that he didn’t bother reading.
“Night, Mikes” Gerard said to his brother, before entering his room.
“Night, bro. If you need anything, you know where to find me” said Mikey.
Gerard mumbled an ‘I know’ then disappeared inside his room.
He didn’t really thought of how much it would hurt to see the room half empty. The nightstand on the right side of the bed – the right side was Frank’s side, as he preferred to sleep closer to the window – was now empty, the only thing on it being the lamp. The closet was left open and so were the drawers of the dresser.
Gerard stepped in front of the closet, seeing all three shelves, that he had given Frank when he had moved in, now empty, just like half of the coat-hangers. Gerard collapsed down on the bed, just staring at the emptiness of the closet, his lips slightly parted, almost like in disbelief, like before he saw this emptiness, he didn’t believe Frank had actually left. A few more tears slipped down his cheeks, but he quickly wiped them away.
“He’s gone...” Gerard mumbled to himself, trying to grasp the meaning of the words, understand their reality. There were so many emotions running through Gerard’s body; sadness, anger, betrayal, hurt, madness, hopelessness...
But all he got out of himself was a sigh. He stood up to close the closet and drawers, then something caught his eye. It wasn’t anything special, well... It wasn’t anything specials to every other person in the world, but it made Gerard’s heart stop, his breath caught in his throat.
It was a shirt, lying on the floor right by the footstep of the bed. Gerard picked it up, looking at the black fabric with the Misfit skeleton printed on it in white.
His hands quivered as he held the shirt, almost afraid to move, afraid to even breathe in fear it might disappear. It wasn’t just any shirt... It was Frank’s shirt.
Gerard thought if he had left it behind on purpose or did he drop it by mistake. A second later he didn’t even care what the reason was, because he buried his face in the shirt, the smell of cigarettes, deodorant and Frank’s regular body smell that was sweet, with maybe something close to vanilla, filled his nose and for a moment, it made him feel like he was okay, like everything was going to be okay. That moment was immediately followed by sadness, as Gerard realised that it was the only thing of Frank’s he had left.
Gerard held the shirt close to his chest, still smelling the fragrance.
After finally snapping back to reality, still unable to even feel slightly tired, Gerard decided to keep himself busy. He picked up his cloths that were on the floor, then he cleaned his drawing table, putting all the drawings and paintings in order, then he decided to change the bed sheets, hoping that a freshly made bed will help him fall asleep faster.
He took fresh dark blue sheets from the bottom of the closet, placing them on his nightstand, then started to remove the old ones from the bed.
He finally removed the bottom sheets, the ones covering the mattress, now half way down, when something again caught his eye, now for the second time today.
Right there, on the left side of the bed – on Gerard’s side –, almost at the middle of the mattress, was a small black circle, it’s edges lightly brown. The burned mark the cigarette he and Frank shared that night. Gerard immediately knew what it was and it was like seeing it, caused all those emotions to run free, break free from his body.
Tears were again running down his cheeks. Yells and screams echoing through his room, through the house, pillows and lamps flying across the room. It was like all hell had broken loose.
Gerard screamed, he yelled until his throat hurt. When all that was left in his room was destroyed, like a tornado had hit his room, Gerard’s fists met the wall that separated his room from Mikey’s.
“Damn it! Damn it! Damn it!” he shouted, punch after punch, aggression flowing from his body, like tears down his cheeks. He felt so hopeless, so defeated that it made it unbearable for him to live. He didn’t feel the pain in his hands, he didn’t feel how his knuckles had swollen up, he didn’t notice when blood started to pour from them, but he wished he did. He wished that he could feel something other than his bloody emotions tearing him apart inside, driving him insane.
When it all got too much, when his arms finally gave in from the aching pain, he collapsed to the ground, his back against the wall, burying his face in his hands and crying. It seemed to him that all he did was cry. But what else could he do?
Then, like a light bulb lighting inside his head, Gerard reach for his nightstand, that was now lying on the floor, a broken lamp next to it, and he opened the drawer. He searched through all the stuff inside, hoping not to find those for small pictures from that date, until he found what he was looking for. The light flashed from the small silver object as Gerard twirled it between his fingers, feeling the sharp ends press in to his fingertips.
Gerard knew that by doing what he wanted to do, he was basically breaking the promise he had made to Frank, that he won’t do this again. But right now, screw Frank, because he was the goddamn reason Gerard was feeling like this.
Gerard placed the blade of the razor on to the pale skin of his left wrist and without a second thought, he pressed as hard as he could. He dragged the blade across his wrist, horizontally, the dark red blood slowly starting to run from the cut. Gerard repeated the motion, slightly higher from the first cut, and then again, and again and again until at least three centimetres of his wrist were covered in long, deep cuts, blood running from every single one.
As Gerard inflicted those cuts, he was immediately calmed by just the sting feeling the blade caused, how it hurt more if he pressed harder. All his focus was on the dark red lines, taking his mind off what happened that night, making his mind blank, leaving behind space that was immediately filled with thoughts of how much his wrist stung, how much it hurt every time he tried moving.
Gerard was glad that pain was there. He liked the pain. It relived him of all his thoughts. He didn’t mind that tears were still running down his cheeks, he didn’t care that he was still sobbing. But he was glad his breathing steadied despite the crying and he was glad his mind was no longer filled with the images of Frank.
Even as he cried, a smile, a genuine smile appeared on his face. He wasn’t happy, he was just calm now... He knew he wouldn’t die from the cuts, dying wasn’t even his intention right now, but the cuts still made the room spin in his head, made him feel weaker.
But it still wasn’t enough for Gerard. He knew it’ll never be enough until he’ll pass out from everything, until he won’t feel anything anymore.
He again, went through his drawer, finding a small plastic orange bottle with a white lid. The bottle was half empty and had a sticker on it that told the name of the drug inside; Xanax.
The small white pills were antidepressants, something Gerard had been taking since high school, when he tried to kill himself for the first time. After that, he just wasn’t getting better with the therapist or the talks with his parents, so they gave him the pills.
He thought he was okay without them and for the past few months he was okay, he was close to being happy most of the time. He felt normal again.
Now he didn’t feel so normal anymore...
He popped open the small bottle and taking a few pills from it. He held them in his hand, running his thumb over them, turning them like he would be examining them. Then he shoved them in his mouth. And swallowed.
Gerard knew it would take a bit for the pills to start taking effect, so he crawled on the bed, on to the right side, that still smelled like Frank even though the sheets were removed, clutching on to Frank’s Misfits t-shirt and holding it close to his chest, letting the blood from his wrist stain and spread through the mattress.
Out of all the thoughts that were running inside his head, Gerard couldn’t believe that one of the things he thought of was that he’ll have to buy a new mattress. It was sad and funny...
There was also this song stuck in his head, only parts of it and he didn’t know where he had heard
it – on the radio maybe – but he quietly hummed the lyrics.
“...And I bleed when I fall down... I crash and I break down... Your words in my head, knives in my heart... You bring me up and then I fall apart... ‘Cause I’m only human...”
Before he fell asleep, before the tiredness caused by the pills took him away, he realised he was crying again, the image of Frank reappearing his head and his fragrance filling his nose. He almost believed Frank was right there with him, lying next to him on the bed, his arms tights around his waist and his voice whispering that everything was going to be okay.
But Gerard knew nothing was okay...

Notes