It's Not a Fashion Statement

gerards pov
I see Frankie walk in, freezing and shivering, dripping wet and hunched over. God, I just want to fucking hug him and cuddle him in bed all night, keep him warm and sheltered as I whisper that I’ll always be here to keep him warm. But I can’t, I just can’t. I’m completely stuck between keeping him to myself because I love him too much to let him go, and also wanting him to go, because I love him too much to let him get hurt anymore. Ever since the last dream I had that brought back all these memories, I've been unable to take my mind off it. I just know it’s something to do with all those years ago.

I drag myself upstairs and collect some warm thick comfy clothes for him to warm up in. of course I don’t want him freezing.

“Put this on-“
He turns around; tugging his wet hoodie over his drenched hair in an attempt to hide his tear stained, blood dried and bruised face. It doesn’t work though, I still see all the pain and suffering behind his tired eyes and all the physical pain displayed in a blend of purple-brown swelling and crimson dried stains.
I’m speechless. I don’t even know what to do, think or say. It happened again. He’s fucking hurt again, all because of me.

“I’m fine, really” he attempts to assure me, though frowning and I can tell his eyes are already leaking again with tears, though his obvious attempts to hold them back.

I remain silent. What do I do?

He slowly moves to tug his arms around me, gently tucking his head into my side. I love his warmth, but at the same time I hate it.

I unwrap his arms around my waist, pushing him back gently and stepping to the side.

“Frankie, I… I’m afraid we just can’t do this anymore-“

He looks up in confusion, pain and complete sadness. There’s no going back now, Gerard. Remember, this is the best for him.

He stutters, tears rolling down his face quickly.
“I mean, I just… we can’t be together anymore. It’ll be the best for you, I promise.”
I confirm trying to remain calm even though I feel like I’m just throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, thinking selfish once again, Gerard, what a big fucking surprise. It’s about frank, for his own well being, not yours.

“But- I don’t understand. I thought you loved me gee? Why would you kick me out when you love me? That doesn’t even make sense-“
He looks completely lost, like an abandoned puppy left on the dark streets. I don’t want to cause him even more pain, that’s the last thing I want to do.
“I just… you don’t understand, okay?” I snap, turning around like I’m done with the conversation, because honestly I am, I just want it to be over with and I just want him to be safe.

“Good idea, Yeah, you can let me get beaten up and then send me back out to live on the cold streets with zero consideration for anyone else but you! Oh yeah, that’s right. Of course it’s the best for Frankie.”

I can’t take the despair and sadness in his voice; it’s not how he thinks it is. I’m doing it for him. Like he wants to date a murderer anyway?
I attempt to interrupt but he just shouts over me. But more pained and so much sadder than before.
“Stop being so selfish, Gerard, and get your head out of your fucking ass. If you’re done with me just fucking say it okay? Don’t make- don’t give me a shitty excuse like it’s because you love me- just-“
He breaks into a sob of tears, curling his thin shaky arms around his chest and sinking into his knees.
He doesn’t understand! Of course I still fucking love him!

“You don’t understand, of course I still love you Frankie-“
“Then why don’t you want me anymore?”

I gulp back the tears and shake my head, trying to think up a way of explaining this.

“I just- you have to trust me Frankie. If you stay with me you’re just gonna get hurt even more and you’ll be so much safer and better with out-”

He snaps his head up, scowling at me, jumping up onto his feet, storming over and grabbing me by my shirt.
“Is this what it’s about? You’re breaking up with me because it’s your fault I’m getting ‘hurt’?”
He growls, causing me to take a step back, I’ve never seen him this mad before in my whole life, and it’s pretty fucking scary.
I nod in response, as he pushes me against the wall.
“How did you know?” I stutter, confused how he figured out it’s my entire fault.
He frowns, rolling his eyes.
“They remind me every time.”

Oh my god. Does he know? If they’ve told him it’s because of me, he’ll know about everything. No wonder he’s furious. He’ll know I’m a murderer.

He stares down onto me with angry eyes, making me feel small and weak. I stare back at him, watching his eyes soften and sadden, making my heart melt inside my chest.

“Don’t you get it? A few punches and a few cuts can’t compare to the pain of having to watch you lie on the sofa practically dead, drowning in self-hatred. It doesn’t even come close to the thought of not being with you,”

Tears leak out of his eyes and drip off his chin, after mixing with the dry blood still staining his face.
He throws his arms around me, pulling me close and sobbing into my shoulder hysterically. And finally, I’m so glad he’s not walking away.

I wrap my arms back around him, only feeling slightly guilty. This is a mess. A huge fucking mess.
“Please don’t make me leave, gee. I don’t wanna go back onto the streets, I wanna be with you.”
It suddenly occurs to me how terrible it was of me to even consider kicking him out. I completely forgot he had nowhere to stay, or anyone else to talk to round here. He would’ve been so alone and terrified.
“m sorry.” I mutter, tucking my head into his chest.

Notes

my updates recently have been terrible, i'm so sorry. im actually so busy idek man like?? SPARE ME SOME TIME PLS MUM
but anyway
m going on holiday tomorrow so this may be the last update for a while. i am taking my laptop with me on holiday so if i get wifi i will be able to post.

i'll be away for three weeks, im js this bc i reallly dont want u guys giving up reading this. i'm still here i promise.


so yeah :)))