It's Not a Fashion Statement

"I don't know what I was thinking." Gerard apologizes for the hundredth time, whilst finishing wiping the blood off the side of my jaw. He wraps his arms around my shoulders, squeezing my body in his strong embrace. He rests his chin on the top of my head, whilst gently stroking up and down the top of my spine soothingly, muttering apologies and begging for forgiveness between every sniffle and choked up cry that escape his lips. I need to know what's been going on, and I need to know what could be so bad. I'm so glad he's finally got up, and he's actually opening up a bit to me. You don't understand how much it hurts to see someone you truly love in pain until you whiteness it yourself. But right now, I just want this to last forever. The way his strong arms hold me, the relief of finally being welcome in his strong embrace is none like any other. It's been so long and now, well a week. But it's still a substantial amount of time considering I'm used to open arms. He kisses my forehead and pulls away, a few gentle tears rolling down his cheeks. I use my thumb to wipe them away, gently stroking down his jawline. "Half your face is smashed up and you're still comforting me."

I shrug and sigh, before looking up and meeting his tired bloodshot eyes. His shaky hand palms the side of my face, as he brings his lips to gently touch mine. It feels amazing to finally have his lips on mine again. I press deeper into the kiss, tilting my head slightly to the side. I pull away and shuffle on his lap, leaning back into his body like he's a big comfy stuffed bear that'll keep me warm. He runs his hand up and down my chest, until he stops to squeeze me in another huge hug.

"It's nearly Christmas." He changes the subject, after the momentary silence before hand.
"I know." I mutter, whilst tracing patterns on his leg with my little finger.
"That means we have to go to my parents' house. Well, you don't have to, but I'm guessing you wanna spend it with me, and I have to be there."
"Why have I never met them before?" I ask, suddenly aware of the fact he's never even mentioned them. He laughs under his breath nervously, scratching his head.
"They're...erm... Kinda embarrassing."
"Aren't all parents?" He shrugs, and then continues,
"I mean, they make me laugh, but they're really, and I mean really loud and in your face. They're pretty rude sometimes and they never think before they speak. My mom will always say what she thinks, and she's... She isn't very considerate about the other person’s feelings. Of course, she'd love you."
"Then what's the problem?" He shrugs again and bites his lip.
"You'll know what I mean when we're there."
"It can't be that bad. At least you have parents that want you over for Christmas."
He frowns at me apologetically, whilst muttering 'sorry'. I shrug it off and cuddle into his side, trying to take my mind off my poor excuse of parents.

The hairs on my arms and neck stand up, my bare skin becoming pretty cold, even though the room is dimly lit and heated with a huge log fire in the fireplace. I shiver and tug my body closer to Gerard's. "Cold?" He asks, rubbing his hand up and down my shoulder. I nod in response, wrapping my arms around myself in attempt to warm up. Before I can object, Gerard’s takes his thick wool jumper off (that I've only just realized is actually mine). He pulls it over his head and hands it to me, so that I can wear it. I take it gratefully, slipping it over my head. It smells so strongly of him and it's still so warm from his body heat. I snuggle into it, wrapping the too long sleeves around my cold knuckles. I cuddle back into his chest, and Gerard wraps his arms back around me.

From the corner of my eye I notice red stripes littering one of his arms. I have to take a double look because I honestly don't believe it. He notices my sudden gasp and all the happiness drain from my face, asking me what's wrong. "I could ask you the same thing." He looks confused, until I look at his wrist and he follows my eyes to it. I can see the guilt and self-disappointment in his eyes and I almost regret consulting him about it. He bites his lip and rubs his face, steering his eyes away from mine.
"Why?...when?...where?"
He mutters "it's not as bad as it seems".
I give him a stern look, waiting for him to continue.

"Okay, it wasn't really intentional, I was drunk and-" I almost choke on my spit. So there's more than him just getting drunk. As if he could read my mind, he replies.
"Last week, I was gonna tell you but I was scared and... I don't know. It was when you and Mikey went looking for me and I just didn't want to cause any more trouble-" He looks down, guilty written all over his face. He gulps back a wave of tears, moving his gently shaking hand to his mouth to bite on his already teeny nails. He mutters something, sighing and moving to get up. I pull him back down, deciding this is the appropriate time to have the conversation.

"What made you want to do that?" I ask, holding his soft hands in my own. I remain persistent after he refuses to reply, questioning it once again.
"Why did you do that, gee? I know you were drunk but there must've been a reason why you were drunk in the first place, and there must've been a reason you did that to yourself." He nods in defeat, blinking back tears. I squeeze up next to him, and cuddle his body in my own, leaning back into the dip of the sofa. "Talk to me Gee, you can tell me anything." He lets out a huff of defeat. "I was stressed, and I needed some form of relief and a way to take my mind off things-"
"What things?"
"Just... You keep getting hurt because of me, and it felt bad to be with you, I felt wrong and dirty, it just wasn't right. You deserve much better than me. I could barely look or touch you with out feeling wronged. And I hated it, and I didn't know what to do. I wanted and I want you to be safe and to have someone you deserve, and I wanted to let you go and be happy because I love you too much to get hurt, if stay with me. But I love you too much to let you go. And I was so torn and helpless, I couldn't make up my mind what to do."
By the time he's finished my eyes are all blurry and filled with tears, which I really am trying to hold back. I cling on to his shoulder, dumbfounded at what to say to that.
How could he ever think I deserve someone better? Is it even possible? He's so selfless and considerate; it's impossible to even come close to his level generosity. But, there's still one question lingering in my head.

"What did you do, so bad that people are after me... Well you. Wait, not wanting it to sound like I'd rather it be you over me, because I don't, but why isn't it you getting attacked by the freak that you seem to vaguely remember?"
"I don't know." He mutters, biting down on his torn lip.
"Okay but we've established something happened... So like... What did you actually do?"

He snaps his head up in shock, and I can tell by his face he was expecting this question, just not so soon.
"I- you won't believe me." He stutters, staring at me like he's seen a ghost.
I shrug, "tell me anyway."

"I accidentally may have drugged a friend at a party, it was a while ago and I don't know why people are still fussed about it- I mean... The guy was fine..." He says it smoothly like it was nothing, and everything is cool. That doesn't even sound that bad, it's not great but it's not terrible. Though, I can tell by how he's suddenly brushed it off its not the absolute truth, if any at all. Plus, he was on the verge of a heart attack at the mention of it two minutes ago and now he's relaxing with his feet up. He's a terrible liar.

"Your attempts at lying are decent enough, if only you were actually believable."

He looks like a deer caught in headlights; he obviously anticipated that little truth twist of his to run smoother.

"We're not discussing this." He snaps, taking me by surprise. I don't think this is an easy subject and I doubt I'll be getting it out of him anything soon. He knows that I'm too soft to hold a threat against him until he tells me, but he also knows I can be pretty manipulative and persistent.
-

I climb into the car, next to Gerard in the passenger seat. I love this car; it's so glamorous and comfy. It's a white convertible and it's freaking awesome. When the roof is down the wind blows through your hair and the spotlight things come on inside the car. The speakers are really good and loud... Everything is just really cool. Though, it's currently snowing in late December, so the roof has to stay up. It still feels cool, though. We're on our way to Gerard's parents' house; it's only a few days until Christmas. Gerard and I went Christmas shopping yesterday, buying gifts for his mom, dad, Mikey, Kristin, Andy, Joe, and a few other people he's close with. I, on the other hand, had barely anyone to give or buy presents for apart from Gerard and small gifts to bear at his parents. I guess the gifts from Gerard to people are 'split between us because we're a couple' (his words not mine), but I still feel as though it appears I'm making little effort compared to Gerard's mom and dad having me over and making dinner. I thought it would've been rude to turn up with out a gift I've actually spent my own money and time on.

There's a positive and a negative to not having many people to give gifts to, it's good because I can spend more money on Gerard, but negative due to it being sort of depressing and lonely not having many people to actually give gifts to. I've been thinking about Ray and Bob a lot lately, they were really good guys. I miss hanging out with them, if only I still had my phone. I guess I could log on to my Xbox account (which I can barely remember log in details for seen as the last time I used it was around a year ago) and message them but that'd be kind of weird. They probably don't even remember me. We were close, and out of the 'friend' group I had (me trying to be popular) Bob and Ray turned out to be the only nice guys in it. Ray is so kind and cheery, really down to earth and caring. Bob is really funny and considerate. To be honest, I don't know why I didn't run to them when I was kicked out, not that I regret it; I would do anything to be with Gerard.
I should ask Gerard, I'm sure he'd be able to find a way to get hold of them. I'd love to catch up with them again. Me being forgetful and having the brain capacity and memory of a goldfish, I can't even remember the first digit of their cell phone numbers, never mind the other ten.

Anyway, back to gifts; even though I went shopping only yesterday, I actually got Gerard's present(s) a while ago. Firstly, I managed to buy a signed Bowie vinyl, which was shit expensive and really hard to find. I got Joe to drive me down to an autograph shop in New York, whilst Gerard was focused working, which apparently had a Bowie signature after I searched online for it. Which, it did, and I had to place a bid. I won it, being prepared to pay any amount. I earn a lot from modeling and I have no idea what to even do with all the money. Anyway, I'm pretty sure Gerard is going to flip out because he loves Bowie so much. I also got him some refills for his insanely expensive art supplies (who knew some pens and ink could be that pricey?), because he keeps complaining, and every so often he'll groan in frustration from his office about his pens running out and he 'can't be bothered to search online for a new refills'. I suggested just buying some from a shop in town but he told me 'they're special pens and they have to be ordered from a certain brand because he's fussy'. Which, I couldn't deny, Gerard is very fussy and often enough has high standards.

It's pretty hard buying for Gerard... He pretty much has everything that he could possibly want or need. He owns like two cars, a motorbike, a limo and a driver (technically). He has a swimming pool, a fancy ass house with interior a queen could be jealous of. You can't blame him or say he's selfish and snob like, he gives a substantial amount of his well-earned money to charity and he never gloats about it. It's just really hard to give him something he doesn't have or will use or like. Clothes are out the window; he owns a fucking clothes brand and steals my jumpers anyway, even though he has a full wardrobe of his own. I tell him they're exactly the same but he wears mine purely because I've worn them. Which is really cute and I don't exactly have a reason to complain about it.

I actually really like walking down stairs to find him cuddled up on the sofa in my even-for-him-too-big jumpers, sipping at a mug a steaming coffee. I smile at the thought.

"Whatcha smilin' at Frankie?" He asks, grinning at me whilst tapping his fingers on the steering wheel along to the beat of blur blearing through his system speakers, whilst we wait in the traffic queue of central New York.
"Nothin much. Just thinking about you wearing my big jumpers in the morning, whilst your hair is all messy and you're cuddled into the sofa drinking coffee in front of the fire place."
I reply, grinning back, unable to contain the smile spread across my face.
"Really? I'm wearing one of your jumpers now, actually." He pulls the neckline over his chin, biting down of the soft woolen fabric. It's a baby blue colored one, and it looks so good on him. I would've though he isn't really the sort of person that'd look good in that shade of blue, but he looks amazing and really cute.
As always.

He has black skinny jeans on too, along with a pair of dirty grey converse. I feel as though my 'style' is wearing off on him. Literally, he's wearing all my clothes.
"I can see why you love wearing this sort of stuff, it's so comfy and cozy. Forget suits." He chuckles, as the neckline of the jumper pops back off his chin.

"You look hella fine in a suit though, well you always look amazing but you are literally walking sex in your waistcoats." He rolls his eyes, smirking at me.
"You too, yknow. I think I prefer you in lingerie and angel wings, though." I forgot about that one.

He starts the car again, the traffic breaking apart as we escape to the highway. The car speeds up and he has to look back to focus on the road, but he reaches out to grab my hand and rubs his thumb over my knuckles. He kisses it and moves his hand to rest on my thigh as we speed along past the cars. I rest my head against the window, smiling to myself. I feel on top of the world and I've never felt so happy or content.

I can't help but stare and listen to him in admiration as he sings along perfectly, occasionally sweeping his perfectly trimmed raven black hair out of his face. The sun highlights his features through the glass window screen, making his eyes sparkle even brighter than usual. He glances back at me, smiling, and I know I'm completely in love.
-
We arrive at his parents’ house, and I'm really nervous, and he can tell. He gives me a quick kiss before confirming that I’m amazing and they'll love me as much as he does. Nearly.

He knocks on the door, grinning and smiling. He bounces on the souls of his feet in attempt to warm him self up. He tugs me to his chest by around my shoulder, as we wait for the door to open.
"Gee, baby! How are you sweetheart, it's been so long!" his mother announces when she opens the door, almost deathening me because fuck, Gerard did say she was loud. But so are a lot of old people because like, they’re almost death and they need to hear themselves talk

Gerard grins and practically jumps into his mother’s arms. He looks like a little child and I can't help but feel so proud, because he’s mine, and I’m his.
"Mom! So good to see you!" She's almost taken back, as if she wasn't expecting this.
"Someone's happy? I can't remember the last time you wanted a hug off either your father or myself. And where's the suit?" She jokes, pulling away. He just grins in response, linking our hands together.
"Mom, this is Frank, my boyfriend. Frank, this is mom, my mom." I say hi, and greet her as Mrs. Way. She tells me to just call her Donna, or mom if I feel it's necessary. I don't see why Gerard was so embarrassed about me meeting her, I guess she's a little loud (okay understatement of the century) but she's really kind.
I'd love a mother like her.

We collect our bags and gifts and stuff, and put them away in Gerard's old basement room. Obviously, it's been done up and stuff since then, it's basically a spare bedroom. It has a huge double bed with silver wallpaper and white chrome themed furniture. You can tell design and co ordination runs in their family, the whole house is beautiful. There's another room upstairs that Mikey and Kristin are going to stay in- they're coming over too.

Gerard and I sit on the bed and make conversation about his childhood, after finding some of his old action figures, comics and clothes in the depths of a wardrobe.
"Doom patrol, man this was the shit- oh my god my first concert tickets and t-shirt." He picks up a small misfits t-shirt, with the ink print half washed off, along with two crumpled tickets.
"These were mine and Mikey's. It was our first concert and my grandma bought us the tickets for Christmas." He smiles sadly, picking up a photo of him, Mikey, and presumably his grandmother. It's him and Mikey at around 15 and 12 or something, and I can barely believe it. They're both dressed in all black with black biker jackets and black jeans; Gerard has shoulder length greasy black hair and red eyeliner. Mikey on the other hand, I have to refrain from laughing. He's so skinny with really awkward knees, rectangle glasses and his hair is gelled to the front of his forehead. He's barely recognizable. Their grandmother stands between them, her arms wrapped around their shoulders. Gee smiles down sadly, brushing his finger over the dusty photo.

"My grandma and Mikey were my everything growing up. Mikey and I would wrestle and play fight; we'd draw and play music together. We'd share comics and action figures; we'd never go outside. He used to be my model when I’d make shitty outfits. He'd even let me watch some fashion show when his favorite show was on, well sometimes. And my grandmother, she taught me how to draw, paint, sing, and design. She was really supportive about my interest in fashion. Maybe it couldn't show back then, I dressed like a greasy punk teen, but I secretly loved fashion and all that she started me of with. Man I love her so much. When she died, it killed both Mikey and myself; I don't remember doing anything with my life for months, until I realized how she would hate me to get caught up on her death. So I set out to New York art school, inspired to do something and chase my dreams."

"That's really sweet of her. She sounds amazing." He nods in agreement, pushing all the old memories back into the boxes of the wardrobe. We head back upstairs, to join his parents.

"Isn't our boy looking wonderful," Donna starts, Don agreeing with her fondly. Gerard scratches his head and blushes awkwardly, obviously not used to his parent’s affection. They start asking me a few questions about myself, then about our relationship, how, when we met and stuff.
"He's a model for me, Y'know." Gerard states proudly, pulling me onto his lap. I laugh under my breath, leaning my head on his shoulder.
"You can tell, you did well there son," don perks up, chuckling and rocking back and forth in his chair, after taking a swig of beer. I look outside the patio doors, amazed at the gorgeous sight of the garden filled with crystal white snow. The room is filled with colorful Christmas lights and decorations. There's a Christmas tree in the corner, lit up and pretty. The doorbell interrupts my thoughts, when Donna shoots up to rush over to the door. Mikey and Kristin walk through, greeting us all and sitting down on the sofa. We all decide to go out tonight, as it's two days until Christmas and we should eat out, I'm just great full to be here with such kind and friendly people.

We walk into some cute village, with a big Christmas tree in the center and little fairy lights bordering each building. Gerard and I link hands and walk a bit further in front.
"We're gonna fuck tonight." He whispers in my ear, smirking.
"At your parents house?!" He shrugs, swinging our locked hands backwards and forwards.
"Gonna make you scream so loud." He murmurs into my ear again, along with a few other dirty lines. I bite back a grin and watch my feet shuffle through the snow instead. We wait outside the restaurant for the others; I hold the door open for everyone. Just as I'm about to follow Gerard pulls me back out, pulling me in for a kiss. His lips hover above mine, breathing out foggy cold air. I lean forwards and attach our lips, palming the side of his face with my hand whilst he wraps his arms around my waist. I pull away and wrap my arms around his neck, staring back into his eyes lovingly, like he does to me. He grins, and being as contagious as his smile is, and being as happy as I am, I smile back. We pull apart after a few moments, and enter the restaurant hand in hand. His parents watch us sit down, and link hands under the table, hopelessly in love.

Notes

FUCK I AM SOO SORRY OKAY i was on holiday for three weeks and i had wifi and stuff but it was pretty bad and wen ever i tried to update something it just crashed and ugh
but anywho i am here now and this chapter is complete crap and oh my god im really starting to hate this story
like i like the plot and stuff, but my writing has been just so terrible and the start of it was written so badly and even now i just really fucking hate it
but im still carrying on because there's only really a few chapters left tbh
i really want to rewrite it and make it so much better and change the start and a lot of things but i really can't be bothered at the same time.
plus what also doesn't really help my disliking to writing this is the fact i've already started a new fic and that has started prioritizing this shit -which may i advise if you're half way through one fic, unless you're superman or an amazing writer, which i know a lot of you are, DONT TRY WRITING OR PLANNING A NEW FIC BECAUSE this is now garbage to me and ugh ive lost so much interest in it and i can barely reread it oh my gosh okay i love you guys and now i feel really ungrateful fuck okay m sorry but im NOT GIVING UP ON THIS I SWEAR AND I WILL UPDATE AGAIN LIKE TOMORROW I THINK MAYBE PROBABLY NOT IDK DONT LISTEN TO ME OR MY PROMISES