Never coming home

New York City, 28th of June, 1984

The awful sound of the phone rings right next to my ears. I jump at the sound, frightened thinking that it's one of the kids who started to cry or is calling my name. When my brain finally processes what's happening, I look over at my nightstand where the phone is ringing and the alarm clock says that it's 2am.

Who could be calling me at 2am on a Thursday night?

By my side Kellin stirs turns over to my side.

"B what the hell?"

"I don't know babe. Go back to sleep."

I sit up on the bed and turn on the light, picking up the phone and answering it.

"Hello?"

"B? Is that you?"

"Uncle Mikey?"

"Hi sweetie. Sorry I woke you up. I know it's not the proper time to be calling you." He says

"It's fine. What's wrong?"

"I... B, this is... difficult..."

"What's difficult? Uncle Mikey, what's wrong? What happened?" I start to get nervous

By my side, KELLIN sees my distress and sits up next to me, staring at me waiting for me to give him some clue of what was happening.

"Sweetheart... It's your dad..."

"My dad? What's wrong with my dad?"

"Bandit... Your dad just died..."
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"Bandit I don't want you going to Los Angeles all by yourself! I'm going with you."

"Kellin, it's fine! I'll be fine. I'll just be there for a couple of days. Besides, you have work and someone needs to stay home and take care of the kids."

After last nights phone call, I booked the earliest flight to Los Angeles I could find. Mom and Dad moved there when they retired. Uncle Mikey and Aunt Kristin moved there too. Uncle Frank and Aunt Jamia and Uncle Ray and Aunt Krista stayed in New Jersey for a few years but soon moved to LA just to be closer to their friends.

"We could drop them off at my mothers. Please B. I want to come with you. I want to be there for you... I know how close you were to your dad..." Kellin says, moving towards and holding my hand. He turns me away from my packing so I'm looking at him. He moves one hand to my face and gently strokes my cheek. He's deeply worried about me, I can tell. But I don't want him to drop everything.

"I'll be fine baby. You worry to much about me" I tell him, with a small smile on my lips

"That's because I love you." He says, leaning towards me and placing a gentle kiss on my lips. After so many years of marriage, his lips still taste and feel the same. Soft and gentle, and always with a lingering taste of coffee in them.

"I know. And I love you too." I tell him, my lips still brushing against his.

After a while, he lets go of me so I can continue to pack my bag. When everything is finished, I call a cab to take me to the airport. I say goodbye to Kellin and to my children and leave.

As soon as I arrive at the airport, I make my way to a pay phone to call my mom. And after a few rings, she picks up.

"Hey mom"

"Hello sweetheart, how are you? Why are you calling me so early?"

"I'm at the airport mommy. I'm going to LA to see you."

"Sweetheart you don't need to come so early... What about your work? What about the babies?"

"The kids stayed with Kellin at home. I'm going by myself."

"By yourself? B I don't think..."

"Mom I gotta go. I'll see you in a few hours okay?"

"Okay baby. I'll see you soon. Mommy loves you."

"Love you too. Bye."

I hang up the phone and make my way to the boarding gate. After a few hours I board the plane and take my sit. The plane takes off and I spend the rest of the flight thinking about my dad and trying to fight back the tears.
______________________________________________________________________________

As soon as I land in LA, the hot summer air fills my lungs. I haven't been here in a long time. Mom and Dad are always the ones that come to New York for the holidays. Dad loved Christmas in New York.

I pick up my bags and start walking to where the cabs are.

"You didn't think you wouldn't have anyone to greet you when you arrived did you?" I hear someone say from behind me.

I turn around to see my uncle Mikey standing there with a smile on his face.

"Uncle Mikey! What are you doing here?" I ask while hugging him

"Well, your mom called. Said that you got on a plane as quickly as you could. So I thought I would come and pick you up."

"You didn't have to. You shouldn't be walking around so much! What about..."

"Bah! Don't start! I'm old, I'm not invalid. If I want to pick my niece up from the airport than that's what I'll do. And who's going to stop me?"

I can't help but smile. I missed my uncle. With everything that's been going on in my life I don't see my family as much as I want to. They tell me they understand, but I can't help but feel a heavy burden on my heart for not trying harder to see them more often.

"Hey, hey! What's this? Why are you crying B?" He asks, cleaning my tears with his thumb.
I didn't even noticed I was crying.

"I'm sorry. I just missed you. A lot." I say, between sobs

"Aww baby" Mikey hugs me and strokes my hair, "it's okay... It's okay. I missed you too B."

When my sobs subside, Mikey lets me go and grabs my bag ignoring my protests

"Come on. Let's get you home."
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When I arrive at my parents house, I'm greeted at the door by my mom and by my aunt Kristin.

"We missed you B!" Says my aunt while hugging me so tightly I could hardly breath

"I missed you too aunt Kris! But I can't breath!"

She lets go of me with a smile and steps aside so my mom can hug me,

"My darling baby. My sweet little girl! How I missed you!" She says while hugging and stroking my hair

"She's hardly a little girl now Linds" says Mikey with a smile and standing next to Kristin.

"Nonsense. She will always be my baby girl" my mom pulls away from the hug and places her hands on both side of my face, stroking my cheeks with her thumb

"I missed you too mommy. So so much!"

"Well... You're here now. How long are you staying? Did you tell your boss?"

"Just until after the funeral. And I asked Kellin to call the office and explain what happened"

"And how is my handsome son in law? And what about my grandchildren?"

"They're fine mom. I asked Kellin to stay with them while I'm here."

"Such a lovely boy. Always so sweet to you."

Before I could say anything else, Mikey suggests that I should go upstairs to put my bags in the guest room. He says that Uncle Frank and Uncle Ray would be arriving soon and that it would be best if I had everything organized by then.

When everyone arrives, I'm swarmed by a wave of hugs and questions about my life and everything revolving around it.

I helped my mom and my aunts prepare some tea and we all sit in the living room for the rest of the day, just talking to each other and reminiscing about my dad.

A little after dinner time, everyone leaves, leaving me and my mom, alone and at peace.

We were in the kitchen and my mom was sitting at the table watching me do the dishes. When I'm done, I turn around to face her,

"Mom?"

"Yes dear?"

"How... How did dad... Died?"

She sighed and twists her chair so that she's face to face with me, "you know your father wasn't feeling well lately... He was always very tired, wouldn't eat all that much and would sleep a lot... I guess it was just his time to go."

"Just like that? He wasn't sick or anything! Why would he just go like that?" I can feel my eyes starting to well up with tears

"Sweetheart it's the natural order of things... Your dad had a wonderful life filled with happiness and surrounded by the people who loved him the most... It was just his time to go"

"How can you be so calm about this?!" I shout, loosing my temper, "your husband just died and you act like you don't care! No one in this house today acted like they cared! How can everyone be so calm about this?!"

"Bandit Lee Way! Don't you dare raise your voice at me! And don't you dare say I don't care! If there's anyone in this world that cared about your father was me! Now understand this dear. The reason why none of us, me and your uncles, are acting like its the end of the world it's because it isn't. And also because we know, that your father is now in a better place"

"What like in heaven?" I ask sarcastically whipping the tears from my eyes

"If such a place exists, than yes. Your father is in heaven now. He had a wonderful life here, and now he will have one in the afterlife." My mom says with the most calm voice I've ever heard her use.
I don't understand this. I don't understand why and how everyone's so calm! It's getting on my nerves! I can't stand to be here anymore. I say goodnight to my mom and run upstairs to the guest room.

I try to sleep, but memories of my dad keep flooding my head. I keep seeing him when I was a little girl and he used to sit on the floor with me and play with my dolls. I remember sitting on his lap and watching him work while he wrote his books and drew for endless hours.

Every memory I have of my father seems to be resurfacing from the corners of my mind. Memories I didn't even remember I had. And the more I remember, the more I cry.
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It's been a week since I arrived in LA. And today is the day of the funeral.

The ceremony was small and personal, just like my dad would've wanted it. The only people that weren't part of the family were a few friends from the Air Force and some other friends with who my dad worked with when he published his comic books.

We're all back at the house now. My mom and my aunts are down stairs in the kitchen taking care of the food and drinks while the men all talk in the living room. I was able to escape the whole condolences part of these things by simply coming upstairs.

The plan was to lock myself in my room and wait until everyone left to reappear. But as I was walking to it, I noticed fathers study door opened. I try to resist the urge of going inside, but curiosity, and something else I can't describe, got the best of me.

I walk inside, immediately being hit by the familiar scent of cigarettes. The study remains the same. Walls covered with books about the most various subjects, two desks, one for his art and the other for his writing, my drawings from when I was younger hanging on the wall along side pictures of him and our family. It seems like everything in this room has stopped in time and is just waiting for my dad to just walk in and continue to do, whatever it is he was doing before...

I go and sit down at the desk he used to use to write. Sitting in his chair makes me feel safe, like he's here, just beside me watching over me. I spin around in the chair like I used to when I was younger. My mom always hated that I did it, always telling me that one day I was going to fly out of the chair and get hurt. But my dad would encourage me and even help me spin faster until I couldn't see properly. Thinking about this made me smile a bit.

Suddenly, the strange feeling as before came back. I feel my attention being drawned to one of the shelfs right in front of the desk. I stand up and walk towards it. I brush my fingers in the old binds, reading the titles until one in particular captures my attention. Just at eye level, was a book that had no name. It was a leather-bound brown book. I pulled it out of the shelf and start to observe it. It looks really old and worn out. I've never seen this book before.

"Thought I might find you here"

I jump at the voice that suddenly broke my line of thoughts. At the door stood my uncle Frank, looking quite pleased to have scared me.

"Everyone is looking for you downstairs" he says, looking around the room

"I'm sorry I disappeared... I just needed to escape for a while..."

"It's okay. I get it. I would want to disappear too if I was in your shoes" he says, looking down at my high heeled shoes, "although, if I was in your shoes, I would be screaming in pain right now! Seriously, how do you girls do it? That looks worse that torture!"

I start to laugh. Uncle Frank always had a special talent for making me laugh even when I feel like the saddest person in the world.

"What do you have there?" He asks, looking at the book I'm still holding in my hands

"Oh! It's nothing... It's just one of my dad's books. I was just curious because it doesn't have a name."

"Let me see" he asks and I give him the book. Even before he grabbed the book, his eyes widened in surprise and his face turned white, "Where did you find this?"

"What's wrong? What book is this?" I ask, feeling curious about his reaction

"Where was it Bandit?" His smile is completely gone

"It was just here on this shelf." I point at the empty space where the book was, "Uncle Frank, what's wrong? What's this book about?"

"Forget you saw this book. This is none of your concern." He says, putting the book on his inside jacket pocket and leaving the study in a hurry, leaving me with a confused look on my face.
______________________________________________________________________________

Apart from my aunts and uncles, everyone has already left. After helping cleaning the kitchen I told my mom I was going upstairs to take a shower and change my clothes.

I was going downstairs again, after my shower, when I hear voices coming from the kitchen. It sounded like my uncles where in a hushed but heated argument about something.

"Why should we keep it a secret? Gerard didn't do anything wrong!" I hear my aunt Jamia saying

"Have you completely lost your mind Jamia? How do you think B would feel if we told her the truth?" I hear my uncle Ray saying

"It's not like it's some deep dark shameful secret Ray! I think Gerard would've liked B to know about this!" My mom speaks up

"If he never told her before he died, then it's because he didn't want her to know!" Says uncle Mikey

"Maybe he never told her because he thought she was too young." Says aunt Krista

"Or maybe it's because she would never understand! How would you feel if you suddenly found out that the love of your fathers life wasn't your mother? And that if she hadn't died you wouldn't even exist?" My uncle Frank shouts

"What did you say?" I ask from the door way. I didn't even realize I got closer to the door while they were arguing

They all jump in surprise and stare at me. You could see in their face that they were trying to come up with an excuse or an explanation.

I look around the room and see that the book I found earlier was on top of the kitchen table.

"Is this about that book?" I ask pointing at it

"No!" Says my uncle Mikey reaching to grab it

"Yes." My mom says at the same time and placing her hands on top of Mikey's, stopping him from hiding the book

They both stare at each other, seeing who would break eye contact first

"Lindsey..." My uncle starts, but my mom cuts him off

"She's my daughter Michael. And Gerard was my husband. I think I'm in titled to tell her what I think she deserves to know about her father."

"He's my brother! I'm not going to let you taint his memory by telling his daughter something she might not understand!"

"Enough!" I shout, "Please! Will someone just please tell me what's going on?! What book is that?! What is it that you don't want me to know?"

I see them all looking at each other silently debating whether or not they should do it. After a while, my mom speaks again,

"This book is part of Gee. It's a part of his life. It's not something shameful that needs to be hidden. If Bandit hadn't found the book, we might have not be having this conversation, but the reality is that she did. And she deserves to know about her father's past."

"Would you stop talking like I'm not here?! Can someone please tell me what the hell are you all talking about?!" I'm starting to loose my patience

"If we do this Lindsey... It will only bring up more pain. Unnecessary pain." Mikey says

"Perhaps... But she deserves to know."

They all look back at me. I'm still standing in the doorway looking completely confused as to what's going on.

"Take a seat sweetie. This is a long story to tell"

Notes

I'm so sorry for the delay everyone!! But it's finally here :)

just so you know, this is the second to last chapter! The last chapter will come tomorrow :)

feedback is welcomed!

Stay safe Killjoys <3