Never coming home

They told me everything.

Every single detail.

About Margaret.

About my dad.

How they met.

What their lives were before they met.

How their lives were after they met.

Her death.

His pain.
Needless to say that I shocked about the whole thing. For years, my father never said a word about his past. He never told me any stories about the war. Neither did my mother come to think of it. I always assumed it was because it was to painful to talk about it. I knew they lost friends. But I never imagined something like this.

The book that caused so much trouble is in fact the journal my dad kept during the war. It was Margaret that gave it to him with the promise that he would write down everything that happened while they were apart so she could read it when they were together again. And that's exactly what my father did. He documented everything about his life from the first day he had the journal. But she never got the chance to read it.

My family told me that for a very long time, after Margaret's death, my dad wouldn't pick up the journal to write. He hid it in a drawer never to touch it again. Uncle Mikey thinks it was because it was to painful to do it. After all, the purpose of it was for Margaret to read. But after I was born, my dad felt the sudden need to write again. And that's what he did until I got married and moved out. Mom said that he said that from now on, it wasn't his story to tell. That he had nothing more to tell.

After my mom finished talking, I stood up and started pacing around the kitchen. My head was spinning. It was too much information. I needed some air.

I left the kitchen and went out the front door into the front porch and sat on the small steps. It was a chilly night, even for summer, but the cold air helped me clear my head.

Before he fell in love with my mom, my dad had been in love with someone else. His soulmate, so my family says. They were going to get married and live happily ever after.

The word soulmate keeps echoing in my ears. Soulmate, soulmate, soulmate... I thought my parents were each other's soulmates. They were always so in love! At least I thought they were! Was it all just a lie? No, it couldn't have been a lie, otherwise it wouldn't have lasted this long! But then... if dad loved someone else, why did he marry mom? Was mom in love with him while he was in love with Margaret? And then after she died, mom made her move? No! Mom wouldn't do that! That's a horrible thought! Mom isn't like that! She would never take advantage of dad's suffering!

But that's why they were all so calm. Now I get it. That's why my mom said that dad was now in a better place. They all believed that he was with Margaret now. His true love. Both of them reunited in the afterlife...

If Margaret hadn't died... I wouldn't exist... Or maybe I would, but I would have an older brother or sister...

"I can see the wheels turning in your head"

I jump in surprise and turn around to see Uncle Frank leaning on the doorway.

"Could you stop scaring me?! Jeez!" I say turning back around to face the empty street

"Sorry kiddo..." He says, sitting down next to me and pulling out a cigarette

"Those can kill you you know?" I tell him

"If God wanted me to die, he would have killed me a long time a go"

"That doesn't mean you shouldn't take care of your health"

"I'm old Bandit. Let me enjoy what simple pleasures I still have"

I stare at him from the corner of my eye. Without being able to resist, I reach for the pack and pull out a cigarette for myself. I hadn't smoke in years. I stopped when I found out I was pregnant for the first time.

We stay in silence for a while, just staring at the dark empty street, smoking cigarette after cigarette. He's the first one to break the silence.

"Not what you were expecting to hear, was it?"

"No... Not at all..." I say, exhaling the smoke

"I get that it's a lot to take in right now... But... This doesn't mean that Gee didn't love your mom... Or you for that matter. You were his entire life. He loved you both more than anything in this world!"

"But what about Margaret?" I ask

"He loved Margaret too, yes. But that doesn't mean he couldn't love two people at the same time. Love comes in all shapes and sizes you know?"

"But she was pregnant! Dad was going to propose to her on that day!"

"Do you remember those fairytales we all used to read to you when you were a baby? The ones about true love and how everything works out in the end?"

"What's that got to do with anything?" I ask, confused

"Your dad and Margaret were the incomplete fairytale, but the fairytale nonetheless. They had a fairytale love. Love at first sight. But your parents, they had a different kind of love. It was love, don't ever question that. But above everything else, there was friendship. Margaret gave your father something to dream about, but your mom, Lindsey, she gave him a life. And for that, your father was forever grateful. Your mom brought your dad back from the dead over and over again when all he wanted to do was drown in a pool of misery and scotch. Your dad was dead inside, and your mom gave him something to live for. And that's why he fell in love with her. I can't tell you how many times we talked your dad out of killing himself. How many times we cleaned up after him night after night of drinking himself into unconsciousness. And through all that, Lindsey never left his side."

I couldn't bare to look at my uncle's face while he talked. The thought of my dad wanting to end his life made my blood freeze in my veins. I just listened to all Uncle Frank had to say, without speaking a single word.

"Bandit, you better than anyone, know how long term friendships can turn into love! Look at you and Kellin! For how long were you two best friends until you both realized that there was something more growing inside your hearts? It's the same thing that happened to your parents. They spent years together before they realize what we all had already seen. They were inseparable! There were times when we all joked saying that they were attached at the hip! One wouldn't go anywhere without the other. Mikey was even a little jealous at one point! Your dad loved Margaret, yes. There's no denying it. And I'm pretty sure he died loving her as well. But never, NEVER think, for one second, that your dad didn't love you or your mother. Because he did. More than you'll ever know."
______________________________________________________________________________

By the end of the week I left. I needed to get back to New York. I said goodbye to my family and promised that I would try to visit them more often and that the next time, I would bring the kids.

When I arrived at the airport, Kellin and the kids were there waiting for me, holding big signs that said
"Welcome Home mommy! We missed you!". I hugged them all and we went home.

After a full day of unpacking, letting everyone know that I was back home and that I would be back at the office the next morning, organizing the house, spending time with the kids, making meals and putting the kids to bed, I was finally in my bed cuddling with the love of my life. Everything was peaceful and quiet until he asked the question I was hoping he wouldn't ask. At least not today...

"So how did it go?"

I sighed, "It's a very long story"

"Wanna tell me about it?"

I sighed again and sat up, crossing my legs in front of him and grabbing a pillow. He stared at me with curious eyes.

"Where do I even start?"

And so I told him everything that had happened since I arrived at my parents house. Kellin listened
without asking a single question until I finished talking.

"Did you read the journal?"

"No... Although my mom gave it me..."

"She did?!"

"She says it would be best if I read my father's own words... That it would make things clearer..."

"Are you going to read it?"

"To be honest... I'm scared to read it..."

"Why? You already know the whole story. What more can you find out?"

"I don't know! But what if I do find something that bothers me? My mom says that no one has ever read the journal. What if there's something in there that no one knows and I'm the one finding out? What if..."

"B, stop." Kellin says reaching out to me and placing his hands on my shoulders, "you're overthinking things. As usual. If you're scared of reading it, then don't do it or at least wait until your not afraid anymore. And if, when you read it, you do find something that no one else knew, then you find it. I'm sure it won't be as big as the bomb you're family just dropped in your lap. But for now, just forget about it, let's get some sleep, tomorrow is a new day. Okay?"

He smiles his reassuring smile at me. I could never resist his smile. For some reason, it always made feel like everything would be just fine no matter how hard things got.
"Okay" I smile back to him. He pulls me to his lap and kisses me passionately. We stay like that for a few minutes just enjoying each other's warm and soft touch. We break the kiss and lay back down. We fell asleep in each other's arms.
______________________________________________________________________________
September 7th, 2015. New York.

31 years. I received this journal 31 years ago and was always too afraid to open it and read it.

I've carried it around with me every single day since I got it. But I never opened it. I was always too scared to see what's inside. The find out what secrets did those pages hid. My father's words. His life during the Second World War and little bit after it.

I didn't want to find out what was written on those pages. I was to afraid of finding something more than what my family told me all those years ago. I didn't want to have to face them if I ever found out something they didn't know.

But it didn't matter now... It's been 31 years. My family is long gone. I'm alone. Even Kellin is gone too...
My love... My soulmate... Taken from me too soon...

My children have their own life. They come to visit every now and then, but for the most part, I'm alone.

And since I'm alone, my father's words can't hurt anyone else other than me.

So here I am now, sitting in my small living room, staring out the window, watching the sunset over Central Park, the leatherbound journal placed in my lap.

Taking a deep breath, I open the book and start reading the first page,

"September 30th, 1941. Oxford Military Air Base, England
And here I thought Hell didn't exist... It does... And I'm looking at it..."

I read the journal cover to cover without stopping for a brief second, not even to eat. When I finally lifted tear filled eyes from the old pages, it was 5am.

I placed the journal in the coffee table in front of me and cried.

I finally did it. I read my father's words. And now I knew everything. The entire story.

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. When the tears ran dry, I stood up and went to my room. Not even bothering to change clothes, I climbed onto the bed and curled up in a small ball, closed my eyes and tried to sleep, with my father's last words echoing in my mind...
___________________________
"Gerard Way's Journal

May 15th, 1969

My darling Margaret,

It's been a while since I last wrote to you. The pain was too much.

But today I had to do it, no matter how much it pains me to do so. Today is an important day. Today is the last day I will ever write on this journal again. Today is the the start of a new life.

Today, Bandit is getting married.

It's seems like only yesterday I was holding her in my arms, a little bundle of joy wrapped in a light blue blanket. And now look at her, a beautiful woman, getting married and moving out, starting a new life...

She's 23 now... She's the same age you were when we first met... Her fiancé is 25... My age when we met...

It's odd... When I met you, I saw a woman, but I look at Bandit, who's the exact same age, and I still see my baby girl...

I know I'm supposed to be happy today. But I can't bring myself to feel happy. I keep looking at Bandit, and I see you my love. I see you everywhere I look today. I keep thinking that, if fate hadn't been so cruel to us, you would be here, at my side, watching our child getting married...

But fate was cruel. Fate took you away from me too soon my love. But I promise you, we will be together again. Fate wasn't on our side in this lifetime, but it will be in the next.

But for now, just wait for me. Wait for me at the entrance of our new life. Wait for me with our child in your arms. Wait for me, so I can hold you in my arms and kiss you one more time. Wait for me, just a little
while longer my love, and then we can go home...

"The Ghost of You" for Margaret and my unborn child

I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died, we'd be together
I can't always just forget her
But she could try
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are never ever...
Ever...
Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me
If I fall
If I fall (down)
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
Never coming home
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me
For all the ghosts that are never gonna...


The End

Notes

So here it is at last! The final chapter! I truly hope you all enjoyed reading this story as much as I enjoyed writing it :)
Thank you so much for everyone's love and support, you guys are amazing!
Please let me know what you thought about this last chapter and your thoughts on the entire story :)
I'm planning to continue to write in the near future, although I'm not quite sure if it will be fanfiction or just fiction. Nevertheless, I will keep you posted :)

If you like, you can follow me on Twitter and on Wattpad. My name is @MadsThePanda

Stay Safe Killjoys ❤️