Deep in Thought

God damn, why is today the day to ring my fucking doorbell! I was just working on a charcoal drawing! Its ruined most definitely. I open the door and there standing is Frank, holding two cups. So thats why he wanted to know what I was doing in an hour. How can I think about all these different things, over analyze everything, but not realise that he wanted to know what I was doing, so he could come over! I must be the most clueless person in the world.

“So, I brought coffee. Can that gain me entrance to your beautiful home?” I giggled at that and let him through.

“Coffee! Black! Here it is! Just like you ordered yester-wait what's on your, or uh all over your face and hands?” I looked in the mirror and realized what he was talking about.

“oh, er, charcoal? Ya I’ll be back, gonna... yup. Make yourself comfortable!” I ran out of there into the bathroom and started washing my face. I always did that with charcoal, they hated it. I’d go to school with charcoal all over my face, because honestly I forget things like that! I’m very forgetful, like they have to remind me to eat, thats how bad I am. Part of the problem with charcoal being all over me though, is that I don't like looking in the mirror. I’m disgusting.

I walked back out, my eyes avoiding Frank’s as he watched me walk in and sat down opposite of him. He handed me the coffee and I took a sip. I accidentally let out a little moan, because I mean come on! One, it was still really hot and felt amazing, two it’s like the best coffee ever, and three because I am the most embarrassing person in the world. He laughed at me a little and my face began to burn again.

“That good?” He said smirking. I finally looked into his eyes, only for a second though. They were so beautiful, the most amazing, greenish hazel eyes. I wanted nothing more to stare into them again. I also really, really want to draw them, but could I capture the beauty thats in them? Probably not. Is it creepy to draw peoples eyes? Probably, yes.

“Where do you go?”

“Huh?” Where did I go? What did that mean? I’m right here, always here. I don’t leave. I can’t leave. I really just want to leave. May-

“Where do you go? You look so far away. You never seem to be here. I’ve only been around you for such a short period of time, and I feel like I’m alone. Where do you go?” I frowned what do I say to that? He glanced down at his watch and stood up quickly.

“I have to go my break is almost up. I’ll text you.” I nodded and walked him to the door. Where did I go? No one had ever asked me that question. No one cared enough. Was this a new thing? I was here, i was in this house, but I guess my head and my thoughts were somewhere else. Most of the time while I’m in my head, I’m haunted by thoughts of the past, the present and the future. But, I guess the rest of the time I’m writing things, I’m drawing, I’m creating illusions for my self. Illusions that make my life seem better than it is. Illusions that give me hope. In my head the only thing that hurt me, was me really. I kept bring the thoughts back of the people that hurt me, it was my fault, always my fault. I could push them away, bury them somewhere deep inside of me but- *buzz buzz*

Fuck, it had been two hours since Frank left, and I still hadn’t figured out an answer for him. “Hey! Sooo How was the coffee?” It read. Shit, the coffee. I did it again, took one sip then let it go cold.

“Uh it was good, until I forgot it. Sorry, I just wasted your money.” Maybe I should have just left off the part about forgetting it? That would have been smarter.

“That is ok! U can make it up to me ;) Theres a party tonite, come with me and alls forgiven.” A party? No. No no no no no no. Fuck NO! *Buzz buzz*

“I’ll pick u up @ 9! See u then!!” Shitfuck. mother lovin soggy corndog, paper poo. I have never in my life been to a party. Too many people, its frightening. I could text him back and say no sorry cant! Technically, they would kill me if I went, but then again I always snuck out for evening walks. Frank didn’t seem like the kind of guy though, that would just say “Okay! maybe next time?” No, he seemed liked the kind of person to bug you about until you either died, or gave in. Plus, I did waste his money, I kinda owed it to him to go. There better be fucking alcohol at this party, because I’m gonna get so wasted. It’s the only way I’m going to get through this night.

She came home around four, and I hid in my room like usual. I heard her slam cabinets and dishes around. The television turned on and stayed on till about 8 when I heard her finally turn off all the lights and go into her room, the door slamming shut. I looked into my closet, trying to pick something. I had to be quiet so she didn’t catch me. I decided on some black skinny jeans, that, in my opinion at least, made my ass look very good. I picked out an old misfits shirt that hung off my body. I decided to look in the mirror, and instantly I regretted it. My hair was just a mess of black, my face pale and fat. Ah, but the rest of me was pale and fat too. I grabbed a hoodie and slipped it on. No one could see my arms, or legs, and my fatness was somewhat hidden. All they got to see was my revolting face. I sighed and grabbed my phone on the way to the window.

I put two magnets on the alarm thing on the frame of the window, so she wouldn’t know I opened my window. I slid it open slowly, it barely making a noise, then I climbed out. I left it open so I could get in silently later. I walked to the gate, unlocking it with the spare key I had, and slipped out. I walked to the end of the driveway and sat down looking at my phone. 8:50 it read. I had the feeling that tonight was going to be one of the longest nights of my life, as I sat in the cold night waiting for Frank.

Notes

So yup thats happening. the party is gonna be so much fun to write about *evil laughter* So I am continuing this story at least for a bit. Honestly I don't know where I'm going with it. It's going to be sad no doubt. I like sad. I've been thinking though, about writing a happier, cute, fluffy, smutty, story. I don't know if I'm capable of it, I'd probably just like kill everyone in the end. Anyways, thanks for reading my story and my randomness and thoughts at the end! <3