Deep in Thought

Uninterested. Good word. Lot of people think that that word is one of the best words to describe me. Its true yes. I am uninterested in a lot of things, but they think I’m uninterested in people. I find people very interesting, the way they converse, how their faces contort to different people. How obvious it is that they don’t like the other, but the other doesn't notice. How mothers coo over their children, or rip out their hair in frustration of having children. Or the dominant parents, that have a strong hand on the child's shoulder dragging them about. The child’s face etched with hidden fear. Afraid of what would come to them if they messed up. I was that child. Fear stricken, wordless, submissive child.

Sometimes you mess up, drop something on accident, because its too heavy. You failed, and the container it was in shatters. You look up and see the enraged face. “Why’d you do that? Can’t you handle a single task?” They’d say. Never screaming but their eyes burned into you. You cry and they drag you out. “Shut up! Just be quiet you stupid brat!” Then when the eyes of the public aren't prying anymore…

Too painful, I need to stop, but they’ll come back. I don’t sleep much. I can go days without sleep. Sometimes though I’ll pass out and then wake up crying, and in fear. No one ever hears. Most nights if i want to knock myself out I take a few pills and the warmth envelops me and bam, out cold. No dreams. Somewhat peaceful.

The walls know all that has happened. They hold the fear and the pain, the anger and devastation.

So back to those walks, sometimes they take me random places, sometimes just over to the local Starbucks. I admit to liking the over priced coffee drinks a lot.

I left my house today during the day only because it was overcast. Night walks i prefer, but tonight i just wanted to pass out and have everything black. It was chilly today, as i walked the wind swept through the leaves in the tree. No one was out which was curious, but better for my sake.

I walked with a steady beat. thud...thud...thud... thud... I wished i hadn't been stupid and destroyed my headphones, because now that's all i could hear. thud… thud…

Closer and closer I got to the shop, thud… thud… I hated hearing my foot steps, I was better than that. I wonder if i could just run away again, no one would notice. And there was the door to the shop being thrown open and a business lady running out with coffee spilling everywhere. I flinched as the door almost hit me. The door closed and I stood there collecting my breath. It was just a door, i didn't have to freak like that.

“uh hi,” My head shot up to look at who said it. “Are going to stay out here or…?” I met his eyes and looked away quickly. He was cute. Better looking than Jacob-STOP. Why do you bring it up? Why do you always go back there? Because he was the only one to love-
“um are you okay?” Oh right ya person. His brow was furrowed as i looked up at him quickly. He worked there obviously, since he had the apron on. Oh wait question,

“mhm sorry I’m uhh fine?”

“I don’t think you're okay, if you're asking me.” He frowned more. “I got to get back to work, come in so you don't catch a cold.” He opened the door and I shuffled in mumbling a thanks. He took one last look at me then disappeared through a door. Why did i have to be so… awkward? I didn't even know how to socialize correctly anymore. I realized I had been standing looking into space again thinking when a man rushed by and knocked me over. I sat for a second, then i felt someone touch my shoulder and I jumped away.

“I’m sorry, I startled you, just wanted to see if you were okay because you uh got knocked over” It was the guy again. He offered me his hand but I shook my head and got up quickly mumbling thanks again.

“Frank! Stop flirting and get your ass back to work!” I blushed about the brightest pink at that comment. He smiled at me and disappeared through the door again. I took a deep breath and ordered a black coffee for a bored looking girl.

“Frank!” she yelled, and i recoiled back a bit. I hated screaming, always trouble involved with it. “coffee, black! Get on it!” He came out and started working on it. I watched him carefully.

“Coffee for-” he looked at the cup, then at me. I blinked at him lost for words. He raised his eyebrow at me, still holding the cup. Why? Oh! My name!

“G-Gerard?” I stuttered. I was such a fuck up. I couldn't even talk. He giggled at me, and gave me the cup. I was careful not to touch him and blushed again. I walked outside and sat at one of the metal tables. I got lost in thought again. The sun started to set, and I didn't notice. I was caught up in thinking about, everything. I thought about Jacob, I missed him, I really did.

“Hey uh Gerard, you okay?” I almost jumped out of my seat as I finally realized Frank was in front of me. “You’re crying, what's wrong?” No I wasn't. I wiped at my eyes, yes I was.

“Im fine” I said quietly taking a sip of my drink and instantly regretted it as it was really cold. I grimaced and put it down. He was watching me I could feel it.

“It’s getting late do you want me to take you home? I'm not a perv I promise, though that’s probably what they would say, but I’m serious i'm not, and I'm totally rambling, sorry.” he said grinning.

“I’m fine, its not uh far? I like walking.” he frowned and looked me over, I could feel it. I folded my arms across my chest, I felt like curling up and crying again.

“No you’re gonna let me take you home, because its really cold out here, and you're already shivering from being out here three hours. Also the suns going down, and its going to be dark soon. Lets go.” I sat and stared past him for a little bit, and he watched me carefully. Slowly I got up decided, if he did kill me i wouldn't stop him. And if he did just take me home, well great. He started walking and i trailed after him. We got to a black car, and he held open the door for me. I got in and he closed the door for me. Why was he being so nice? What did he want? No one was this nice without wanting something from me. So many times i believed that they were just being nice. So much hurt, so much pain, in every memory I have. Were there good times? Probably, just buried somewhere, like other memories. Wait someones watching me.

“So where do I take you?” he said frowning at me. To my grave please.

“I am not taking you there, which way to your home” I blushed and pointed ahead to tell him where to go. My face hot from me blushing so hard. I can’t believe I said that out loud. That’s why no one likes me.

As we approached the house, I saw the garage door closing. The colour drained out of my face, and when he pulled onto the driveway I practically ran out the door. I waved goodbye quickly and ran into the house. There she was standing calmly, anger shown in her eyes. I knew I was fucked. I wasn't suppose to leave. She got closer and closer, and I went deeper into my head, I blocked out all of it. All the noise, all the pain.

I think I blacked out, but I never could be sure. Sometimes I just went so deep in my head that I don’t even remember doing things. I woke up in my room on the floor. I searched my pockets for my phone, but it was no where to be found. I know I had it when i was at the shop.

Frank. It was in Franks car. I fled from his car, it had to be there. Not good. Not good at all. What if he comes back here tonight with it? I’d get it for sure. What if he never gave it back, my life was on that phone. I escaped many nights into that phone, losing myself in a story, or talking with other people who enjoyed the same kind of music. My music, my fucking music was on that phone and Frank had it.

Notes

So ya another chapter, I might do a few more or I might give up on it. To be honest its kinda, in a way personal? Does that even make sense? I guess the best way to say it is some things that happen are stuff that I've experienced. So we shall see where this one goes. Thank you for reading ^-^