Deep in Thought

I stood and looked out across the front yard. Looking at what? Nothing. There was nothing that interested me. I just liked the soft glow of the moon drifting in through the window and the cool glass underneath my finger tips. I couldn't look out for long, too many loud words would be thrown at me if i did. I turned slowly and snuck back to my room. Was this what life had come too? Sneaking around in my home. No its not a home. A home is a place filled with love. A home is where you feel safe. Then what was this place? Touch the walls and feel the horror they have seen. Watch the people and see how faked their words are. Look in the mirror and see the hate that's reflected back on you. Look into his eyes and see how worthless he is. Its not a home and I don’t think it will ever be. No amount of love could bring it back. Its more of prison, or an asylum. Too many broken pieces in it. The people, the walls, it's all falling apart. Or maybe its just me. Maybe i'm falling apart and no one sees it. Who knows right? I mean twice I've tried to take the life from my body, and twice I've failed. I should have been better after removing myself from that awful place. For some reason though, i'm not. I'm drinking away the thoughts. I'm crying out for help every night, but maybe i'm not loud enough. I miss being cared for even though it wasn't healthy. I’ll take anyone that'll care, even if they destroy me i will still love them. So take this as you will, but why do you think that any compassion or love no matter how small it is makes me feel amazing? And that when that person hits me or puts me down, all i can think is they love me. they care for me. Its what's right, you fucked up again. you deserve it. I'm hopeless maybe. I just want love, no matter the price that comes with it. I’m all alone. I put myself in this position. My room is my sanctuary, but also my prison. I never leave this house anymore. If i do its a fight. Everything's my fault really. I try to escape it. Art, music, drinking, pills, but sometimes its not enough. Walks, that's something i somewhat enjoy. Lets me clear my mind, be alone. I only go out when no ones around. See a pattern? Music blasting as a walk. Keeps everything out. I'm 16, I took myself out of an advanced school and put myself into an online school. The school is going to let me graduate early. I have nearly all of my credits completed. They don’t want that. I’ll have to stay with them for another year or so after i graduate. then Ill go to one of the state colleges and live in their spare house. What will I go to that college for? Something I ponder on the walks. I'm such a disappointment to them. The one that they ignore, but is blamed and beat for everything. I guess that's why when I went out with Jacob, having someone care for me was great. He used me ya, but he cared. Right? Another thought to ponder. I have no real friends. I have people i converse with. They know nothing. I run a few successful fan accounts. Talk to people on there. They don’t know. A few people kind of know, a few of them hurt me. Too many thoughts you see, and they don’t like to leave. They sit and fester in my mind, growing and screaming to be thought. Some bourbon helps them relax. One of the pain pills tones their screaming down. Two, four, eight more, and everything will be great. I don’t want that though. I want to live, i think. Another thought, another doubt. What am I? A failure, yes. A disappointment? A mistake? Disgusting? Yes, yes, yes.

Notes

Sooo, what do you think? I don't know if i want to continue it. Its kinda personal in a way. I don't know tell me what you think I should do. Thanks for reading ^-^