I Think I Like It

Gerard was sleeping when I woke up. That was a relief, at least. He was sprawled out on the bed, his face smushed into the pillow, tear tracks still visible on his cheeks. The half-filled coffee cup on the bedside table that wasn’t there when I went to bed, confirmed that he hadn’t slept. He must have just fallen asleep, then.
I sighed as I looked at him, my eyes still swollen from sleep and crying. It was so hard to watch him, and know he wasn’t mine. For the first time in a long time, I was completely alone.
The thought was almost enough to make me start crying again.
I sniffed back my tears and watched him, feeling my heart swell. It’s cliché, but he really did look so peaceful while he was asleep. Like nothing in the world could bother him. I smiled softly and rested my hand gently on his arm, feeling his warmth. His skin was always so, so warm, and I had a sudden, desperate need to make sure I always remembered that. He sighed softly in his sleep, his eyebrows furrowing, making his face look more like it normally did. I frowned and stroked a hand across his forehead, as if I was trying to make the lines go away. He stirred and his eyes flickered open. He looked up at me and smiled gently.
“Good morning.” He hummed, his voice groggy. I looked at him with a soft expression.
“How much sleep did you get?” I asked gently. He reached over and looked at his phone.
“It’s – what, 7? So…maybe three hours?” He said gently. I frowned, biting my lip.
“You should sleep more.” I pointed out. He sighed and sat up, scratching the back of his head.
“Sure. I’ll add it to the to do list.” He grumbled. I rolled my eyes and slid out of bed. It was so easy to forget that he wasn’t mine anymore. I ran a hand through my greasy hair and grimaced.
“I need a shower.” I stated. He looked up and shrugged.
“Go get one then.” He said simply. I felt my stomach drop, and I didn’t even know why. Maybe I’d sort of expected he’d still offer to join me, but by the firm set of his jaw, and the way he avoided my gaze, I knew that it was impossible. I nodded and made my way to the bathroom, not even bothering to look behind me. Not even when I heard him stand up and begin shuffling around the room.
I couldn’t pinpoint exactly when I started crying, but by the time I shut and locked the bathroom door, the tears were spilling down my face. I leaned against the door, holding my mouth as I sobbed so he wouldn’t hear me. I couldn’t even express the pain I was in – even so, there was something oddly comforting about the feeling of my own tears sliding down my cheeks.
I sniffed and shuffled over to the shower, turning it on, and starting to strip, before climbing into the shower.
It was only when I started washing myself, that the realization of what I was doing hit me. I was washing my body and my hair with all the same products as him. My clothes would be washed in the same detergent as his.
I would literally reek of him.
I let out a pained sob and leaned against the shower wall, my body threatening to collapse in on itself. The water ran down my back, but I barely noticed it, shivering despite the heat. It was like Gerard had stolen all the warmth from me, leaving only a coldness that wrought itself around my bones.
“Fuck.” I gasped, running my hands down my face as the water washed over me. It felt like I would always feel like this. My body would always tremble, my eyes would always be clouded with tears. My mouth couldn’t form words anymore, just incoherent sobs. I watched as the water travelled over the tattoo Gerard had drawn for me and rubbed it almost accusingly, daring it to come off of my skin, like it was pen instead of ink. I felt an aching in my chest when it dawned on me that he’d, quite literally, stained me.
I slammed my hand against the wall and let out a frustrated cry as I sunk to my knees, my head in my hands.
I could rip my fucking hair out. I could rip my fucking heart out.

My shower and time of self reflection and pity was cut short by the water running cold, feeling like a whip as it hit my back. I considered staying there, letting the ice cold water pierce my skin and wash over me, but I realized very quickly that there would be no point.
Self pity wasn’t going to save my potential marriage, after all.
I slid out of the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist, turning to look in the mirror. I wiped the condensation off with my arm and frowned. I looked like absolute shit, but it was still better than I felt. I felt like I’d been hit with a train, and then spat on. I was sitting here, on a day which should be one of the best of my life, almost sobbing. At this rate, I didn’t even want to go.
Gerard knocked on the bathroom door, and I wiped my eyes.
“Frankie?” he called. I flinched at the nickname. It brought back memories of nights spent wrapped in his arms, or looking out from the top of buildings, or a ring slipped onto my finger.
A ring that was gone now. Because I wasn’t engaged anymore.
“Yeah Gee?” I called weakly, batting at my eyes.
“Your Mom’s meeting us at the station with your stuff at 9. Is that okay?” he said. I sucked in a breath. That would certainly be interesting. Maybe she’d like him now that she knew we weren’t together.
It was unlikely, though. Still, I was glad at the prospect of seeing her. Right now, it felt like she was the only constant thing in my life.
“Yeah, fine.” I mumbled. He paused for a moment, and I heard him suck in a deep breath. It was almost comforting to know that he was as ‘not fine’ as I was.
Or wasn’t.
“You gonna come out?” he asked gently. I opened the door and gave him a smile.
“Yeah. I’m out.” I said softly. He smiled at me, looking dazed, as if I’d caught him by surprise. We stared at each other for a moment in awkward silence.
“Your hair looks good wet.” He said suddenly. I smiled softly.
“Thanks.” I chuckled, running a hand through it. He looked at me with a soft expression, and I could literally see the tears forming in his eyes.
“Baby, please. Please-“ I began, but he stepped away, his face becoming impassive again. I had to congratulate him on his will power, at least.
“Get dressed. I’ll meet you in the car in like, twenty.” He said firmly, turning away. I sighed and shook my head, moving into his room to throw on the clothes I’d laid out for myself. They seemed to squeeze my body, deforming me, even though I knew they fit fine. It was like I was suffocating, just being in the same house as him. There was a fire on my skin that only his hands could soothe but he wouldn’t touch me, even though he hated to see me burn.
We passed each other several times in the course of us both getting ready, as was expected. An awkward brush as we walked through a doorway, or the unspeakable awkwardness of me walking in on him getting dressed, and the accompanying semi-erection that followed.
The only thing that either of us really found amusing, was when I walked in on him brushing his teeth. He was doing it quickly so we could leave sooner, and there was toothpaste all over his mouth and chin.
“Dude. You look like you either have rabies, or you gave a really, really messy blowjob.” I said, leaning on the door. He looked up into the mirror and beamed, leaning down to spit into the sink.
“Yeah? Does it look sexy?” He chuckled, pouting dramatically. I rolled my eyes.
“Sure, Gee. Looks super hot.” I teased. He laughed, causing toothpaste to run even more down his chin. I grimaced and backed away.
“Dude, you’re so gross.” I chuckled. He reached for a facecloth and wiped the toothpaste off, raising his eyebrows at me.
“Oh, it seems we’ve come full circle.” He said, his voice amused. I looked at him with real interest, tilting my head.
“Mm? How so? I don’t remember suddenly you becoming my teacher again.” I smiled. He rolled his eyes at me, doing up the buttons on his shirt.
“We’re back to you thinking I’m an unattractive asshole.” He pointed out. I grinned.
“I wouldn’t call you unattractive.” I teased. He rolled up a towel and smacked my arm with it.
“Dick.” He chuckled. I smiled fondly at him, and didn’t miss the soft smile he shot at me. It was almost like everything was perfect.
I think we both realized at the same time that things weren’t perfect. We weren’t together anymore, my ring was in his bedside drawer, and he was taking me to the train station to send me away from him. Things couldn’t be worse.
“I think this is going to work, you know.” He murmured, not making any move to come closer to me.
“What is?” I asked softly. He shrugged.
“This. Us…being like this. It takes away some of the pressure.” He said flippantly, but I could tell easily that he was lying. Maybe he wasn’t even trying to cover it anymore. He knew that I knew him too well, after all.
“You’re an idiot.” I mumbled, turning and walking out of the bathroom. He said something from behind me, but I wasn’t even sure I was supposed to hear it. Regardless, I just walked downstairs, grabbing my small bag on the way. I wasn’t entirely sure what my Mom had packed for me to take with me, but it probably wasn’t much. I supposed I’d have to buy my stuff while I was up there, and was suddenly very thankful for the pennies I’d been saving.
I didn’t hear Gerard approach, and I jumped when he suddenly put a hand on my shoulder. He moved his hand and ran it through his hair, almost as if he was trying to take back touching me.
I thought to myself, for the millionth time that day, that he was a fucking asshole.
“We should go.” He said pointedly. He had a bag in his hand, and I raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything.
It’s not like I even gave a shit anyway.
“Yeah.” I mumbled, letting him lead me from the house. I looked back, knowing full well that this might be the very last time I ever saw it, and felt a rush of emotion. I wished that I’d taken more time to walk around, and relive the memories. I’d been so busy running from them that I’d actually forgotten to embrace them. This house was where I lost my virginity, where I first slept with the love of my life. It was where I got my first taste of the gentle mix of pleasure and pain, and where I realized my very prominent panty kink. It was where Gerard and I had made love, over and over. It was in this house that I’d stopped him from killing himself, and had held him until he stopped crying, even as I was covered in his blood and vomit. He’d slapped me in the kitchen, and cried on me in the living room. In his bedroom, on his bed, we’d painted each other’s bodies and rolled around until we were both grey and sticky and laughing so hard it hurt. We broke up and got back together in this house. We fought demons and sadness and even each other, and it all happened between these four walls.
“I love you.” I breathed. I wasn’t even really saying it to him – it was more to the house. It sounded ridiculous, but that’s what it was.
Nonetheless, I heard him suck in a breath behind me.
“We’re gonna be late.” He replied, his voice weak. I nodded solemnly and followed him to the car, my chest aching. I slid into the passenger seat and looked out the window at the house, feeling tears welling in my eyes. I realized that I hadn’t said goodbye to Mikey, but I figured that it was a good thing. Last night had been enough for both of us.
I wish I could have said the same for Gerard and I, but something in the air seemed unresolved. Instead of discussing it like adults, though, he turned the radio up, and I plugged my earphones in, and we didn’t say a word for most of the journey.

Gerard was the one who broke our unofficial vow of silence. He pulled up to a Starbucks and smiled hopefully at me.
“Want some coffee?” He asked gently. I recognized this for what it was – a peace offering.
Luckily for him, I needed coffee, and I’d missed the sound of his voice.
“Yeah, that’d be great. Thanks.” I murmured. He nodded and parked the car more securely, before fixing me with an almost nervous glance.
“Wanna come in with me?” he asked softly. I smiled and nodded, and the grin he gave me was more than worth breaking my vow of silence for. We slid out of the car and made our way up to the Starbucks. It was still awkward, but at least we weren’t angry anymore.
Now we were just sad.
“So, you excited?” Gerard asked with forced politeness. I shrugged.
“Not really. Just scared, mostly.” I admitted. He frowned a little, but I didn’t miss the look of relief that passed over his face. He held the door open for me, and I nodded my thanks as we walked in.
“You’ll have a blast, kiddo. All the hottest people go to University.” He teased. I rolled my eyes, ignoring his comment as we joined the line.
“Seriously, Frankie. You’re gonna see so many hot people.” He continuted.
“I’m sure.” I mumbled.
“And those parties! Damn!” he chuckled. I sighed in frustration and glared up at him.
“Jesus, Gerard, can you stop?” I snapped, rounding on him. He raised his eyebrows innocently.
“Stop what?” he asked meekly. I couldn’t reply just then, because we’d reached the counter. Gerard stopped to give our orders and pay, then looked at me expectantly as we moved down.
“I want you. I only want you, Gerard. No amount of hot girls and guys and crazy parties are going to change that. So just stop.” I demanded. He let out a resigned sigh and smiled softly.
“Sorry. You’re right, I’ll be good.” He said. I arched an eyebrow.
“Well. I didn’t say that.” I purred. He laughed, taking our drinks as they were passed to us, and giving one to me.
“You tease.” He murmured affectionately, taking a deep drink of his coffee. I smiled and took a sip of mine.
“C’mon, kiddo. We should get going.” He said, and I was happily surprised when he took my hand and led me out of the store.
The feeling of his hand in mine, though, gave me a sort of bittersweet pain, and I was relieved to have the opportunity to let go when we got back into the car. He looked concerned, but not misunderstanding. I put my seatbelt on and sipped contentedly on my drink, pushing one earphone in, but keeping the other out to invite conversation.
Not, of course, that Gerard started one.

We arrived at the platform at approximately 9:05.
Gerard assured me, over and over, that the five minutes wouldn’t matter to my Mom – but he didn’t know my Mom.
“Frank Anthony Iero.” She said firmly. I rolled my eyes and smiled as I approached her.
“Hi Mama.” I smiled. Her face softened slightly, but she still looked very disapproving, I pulled her into a hug, and felt warmth run through me as she hugged back twice as hard, her face pressing into my shoulder.
“Hey, it’s alright Mama.” I hummed, rubbing her back. She pulled back and held me at arm’s length.
“You look good.” She admitted. She looked up at Gerard and gave him a gentle smile.
“Thank you.” She said sincerely. Gerard offered her his hand nervously and, after a speculative moment, she took it, shaking it firmly.
“It’s nice to see you again, Mrs-“
“Linda.” She corrected him fondly. Gerard beamed, his whole face lighting up at her acceptance, and I couldn’t help but smile too, the aching in my chest becoming more of a fluttering as I looked at the scene before me.
I realized, then, that there was one thing that I hadn’t really thought about.
“I want you two to take care of each other.” I blurted out. Mom and Gerard looked at each other and, to my delight, shared a small smile.
“That sounds good.” Mom murmured. Gerard nodded in agreement.
“We promise.” Gerard said honestly. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders, knowing that the two people I loved most in the world were both in good hands.
I looked up at the large station clock and frowned. I didn’t have long – not as long as I needed. I looked up at my Mom in a panic.
“M-my stuff. Where’s my stuff?” I asked nervously. She gave me a reassuring smile.
“Already loaded onto the train. It’ll be waiting for you when you arrive.” She said, almost as if it was rehearsed. I nodded, but my heart still pounded in my chest. This was it.
Fuck, this was it.
“I don’t want to leave.” I burst. Gerard and my Mom both gave me matching looks of pity and sadness, and I forced a smile. I focused on my Mom, because I knew if I even looked at him, I was at risk of sobbing.
“I’ll miss you.” I whispered, my voice hoarse with the threat of tears. She held my hands and kissed them.
“I’ll miss you too. But I’ll see you when you come visit, alright?” she assured me. I nodded slowly, tears sliding down my cheeks.
“Okay.” I breathed. She cupped my face and kissed my forehead.
“Your Dad would be so proud of you.” She whispered. I hiccupped, biting down on my lip. She was right, though. I honestly felt like I was finally doing him proud.
The whistle blew, indicating that there was only five minutes left until the train departed. I finally turned towards Gerard, and saw tears spilling down his face.
“Frankie…” he breathed. I nodded understandingly. He didn’t need to say anymore. He sniffed and started sifting through his bag.
“I…here.” He mumbled, shoving something into my hands. It took me a moment to realize what it was, and then I gasped.
“Oh…is this…oh my god…” I whispered. I held in my hands a very familiar, slightly aged copy of To Kill A Mockingbird. It was the one I recognized from Gerard’s classroom.
“Don’t open it until you’re on the train, alright?” He murmured. I nodded furiously and threw myself into his arms. He hesitated for only a second before hugging me back tightly, his common sense, I assume, finally winning over his pride.
He hugged me tightly for a moment, until the whistle sounded again. He wiped his eyes and gave me a gentle smile.
“Bye.” He said weakly. I laughed a little and waved.
“Yeah. Bye.” I murmured. I gave my Mom one last kiss on the cheek, before turning around and forcing myself to walk away.
I walked away from everything. Everything I’d ever loved, accomplished, wanted, needed. Everything. It was all fading away the closer I got to the train. My heart hammered in my chest, and I felt like I was going to die. All I’d wanted was to tell Gerard I loved him one more time, and I didn’t even get to do that.
A part of me hoped that he knew. He must know, right?
“Frankie!” I heard from behind me. I only just had time to turn around before I was being scooped up into Gerard’s arms. He literally lifted me off the floor as he hugged me, and pressed a desperate kiss against my mouth. I made a soft noise of surprise before I kissed him back, my hands framing his face. He put me back on the floor, but kept his hands on my hips as he kissed me needily. It was wet, and tasted like salt from our combined tears, but I just needed to kiss him. I needed to taste him one last time.
“You’re mine, Frank Iero. Fuck, you’re mine.” He gasped. I stroked his hair, my body trembling.
“I’m yours. I’m always yours.” I whispered. He kissed me again.
“You’re going to come back for me, right?” he pleaded. I nodded urgently, pressing small chaste kisses to his mouth between words.
“Always. I’ll always come back to you.” I gasped.
“I’m in love with you.”
“I’m in love with you, too.” I murmured. He held my hand to his heart, and I felt it beat under my fingertips.
“Soulmates, okay?” he whispered. I nodded, without even a second of hesitation.
“I love you.” I gasped, surging forward and kissing him one last time, trying to memorise the feeling of his lips. He kissed back desperately, his hands almost bruisingly tight.
And then it was over. We pulled away from each other and smiled weakly.
“Bye, Frankie” he breathed. I couldn’t say goodbye to him. I just couldn’t. I gave a weak wave and ran towards the train, managing to jump on a few moments before the doors shut.
I settled into my seat and kept my head down. Around me, everyone was waving out the window, shouting last minute I love you’s. But I couldn’t, because it was already taking everything I had to not run right back off the train.
It was only when the train pulled away from the station that I allowed myself to open the book.

To my darling Frankie.
I hope you read this and remember me always, as I will remember you. I don’t doubt for a moment that you and I will end up together, but in the occasion that this truly is the end, please know that I have always and will always love you.
Make me proud.
Your love,
Gerard.

I closed the book again and wiped my tears. I was highly aware of my body trembling, but I didn’t even care.
I was sad. Why the fuck should I care if anyone knew?
I looked down at the book and traced my fingers over the cover delicately. Gerard was right – we had come full circle, in a way.
“I’m coming back to you. I swear to God, I’m coming back.”
I whispered, almost inaudibly.
I was aware, then, of someone looking at me. I sniffed and gave them a weak smile.
“Sorry. I just left my-“
“Boyfriend.” She guessed, tucking a strand of dark hair behind her ear. I laughed softly, wiping my eyes.
“You could say that.” I allowed. She didn’t seem fazed my this, and held out her hand.
“I’m Jamia. Art major.” She said. I chuckled and shook her hand.
“Frank. English.” I said. She nodded, a smile crossing her lips. She was, admittedly, very pretty. I was glad I’d met her now, because she seemed like the kind of person who would be making a lot of friends, and I didn’t want to miss my opportunity. She gave me a polite smile and went to turn back to her book, but something was bothering me in the back of my mind.
“Hey, Jamia?” I asked softly. She looked up and smiled.
“Yeah?”
“Do you…do you think long distance relationships work?” I asked. I didn’t even know why I was asking her. She was a complete stranger, and she probably didn’t even care.
“I think yours will. He loves you a lot.” She said. I tilted my head.
“How do you know?” I asked. A small, whimsical smile crossed her lips.
“Because, even when the train was leaving, he couldn’t take his eyes off of you. He just stared at you.” She said. I breathed a soft laugh.
“Yeah. He does that.” I murmured.

Notes

This is, technically, the final chapter.
I'll be posting the epilogue in a few hours' time, and that's where the real ending is, but for now, this is it.
I won't say anything in the epilogue, because I think that it really says it all, so I just want to thank you all right now. You've all been so, so supportive and wonderful. This story wouldn't have been the same without all of you.
Sorry for breaking your hearts, and thank you for sticking by me.

To those of you who are worried about the epilogue, the only comfort I can give you is this:
The story ends in the only way it can. If I had ended it in any other way than the way I have, it wouldn't be fair.

Thank you all once again. It's been amazing writing for you and getting to know you all. <3