I Think I Like It

Gerard woke me up by pressing soft, warm kisses to my neck. It should have been nice, but I was exhausted from the night before, so I just grumbled at him to ‘fuck off’, and rolled over.
I heard him chuckle, and felt his hands wrap around me, pulling me to him. I had to admit, the warmth was nice.
Everything about cuddling with Gerard was nice.
“C’mon, Frankie. I know you’re awake.” He murmured, nuzzling his face into my hair.
“No. I’m sleeping. Go away.” I mumbled, curling my legs up. He sighed.
“At least turn over so I can cuddle you properly.” He mumbled. I giggled.
“No.”
“You’re a bitch.” He groaned, rolling onto his back. He seemed genuinely upset, so I rolled over, intent on apologizing, and narrowed my eyes when I saw him grinning smugly at me.
“Oh. You asshole.”
“Well. Now that you’re here.” He grinned, holding his arms out to me. I rolled my eyes, but wiggled into his arms anyway; secretly pleased as he held me close to his chest.
At some point, he’d taken his dress off, so he was completely naked. I smiled at the makeup and was smeared across his face.
“You look like a whore.” I said with a teasing smile. He chuckled, kissing me gently.
“I am a whore.”
“You really are, Gerard. Holy shit.” I giggled. He shrugged, brushing my hair absent-mindedly.
“Yeah, well. You don’t care.”
“I don’t.” I agreed. He looked at me with fondness for a few moments, before capturing my lips again, his thumb stroking my cheek.
“I’m gonna have trouble letting you go to Canada without me. Hell, I’m gonna have trouble letting you out of this bed.” He murmured with a soft smile.
“We don’t have to get out of bed.” I pointed out. He raised his eyebrows, an amused smile playing on his lips.
“Well, technically, as it’s a Sunday, I shouldn’t even be seeing you.”
“Aw, Gee.” I pouted. He poked my cheek, pushing all the air out through my lips, before pulling me closer to him, nuzzling his face into my hair.
“I’m not in any rush to let you leave. Not ever.”
“Well, why don’t you do something to make me stay?” I said, my lip trembling. He furrowed his eyebrows.
“Frankie?”
“Why don’t you ask me to stay. Y’know. Properly.” I prompted.
It took him a moment to realize what I meant, but I saw it in his face immediately when he did.
“I didn’t know you cared so much about that.” He murmured, his face flushing.
“Of course I care. I want to be yours, always. Just ask.” I breathed. He loosened his arms around me, turning his head to the wall.
“I…not now, okay?” he mumbled. I felt rejection hit me in the stomach like a train.
“You don’t want me.” I murmured. He turned to face me slowly, his expression unreadable.
“I do. I do want you, and I’m going to ask you properly. But I can’t do that right now, Frankie. It’s not the right time.” He said regretfully. I sat up, looking at him with deep scrutiny. What the fuck?
“You’re running out of time, Gerard.” I snapped.
“I know, but I’m not asking now. End of conversation, Frank. I mean it.” He snarled. I was taken aback by his aggression. It was out of character, even for him.
He rolled out of bed, walking to his wardrobe and throwing on some sweatpants, not looking at me the whole time.
Timidly, I reached for my boxers from the night before, sliding them over my hips as I watched him.
“Why? Just tell me why. Why not now? You know I’ll say yes.” I said softly. Gerard smacked his hand against the wall, making me jump.
“No. I fucking said no. I’m not doing this now, Frank.”
“Why? Why won’t you even talk about it!?” I cried, standing up and moving towards him, but stopping a few feet short.
“Shit, if you want it so bad, why don’t you just fucking ask me? Why do I have to do it?”
“Because you’ll say no!” I yelled.
“So what? Forcing me to ask you is so much better?”
“I’m not forcing you, Gerard. You said you wanted this. It was you who brought it up.” I reminded him.
“Fuck, I know. And you’re making me wish I hadn’t.” he snapped. I knew he was trying to hurt me. I knew that, but it still stung.
“I just want to talk about it. We’re running out of time, and-“
“Jesus fucking Christ, Frank. Are you that fucking desperate? Fine. Fuck it, marry me then. You wanna get married so bad? Marry me, you son of a bitch.” He cried.
I stared at him in silence, clenching my jaw.
“You’re an asshole. You’re a fucking asshole, Gerard.” I spat.
“What? Because I’m not rushing to the alter with you? Because I want to fucking wait?”
“Since when? Since when have you wanted that?”
“Since now. “ he snarled as if it was an actual answer.
“What? That’s bullshit. You can’t just decide that shit. We’re in a relationship, remember? We make decisions together.”
“Not this one. You wanna get married, go find someone else. I’m not the guy for that.” He said, his voice seeming almost tired. I shook my head, fighting tears.
“You’re right. You’re not that guy. You’re the guy I’d come to if I wanted a cheap, meaningless fuck in some grimy bathroom. Hell, maybe I’d even pay you for it. God knows you’ve probably done it before!” I yelled.
He just stared at me, shaking with anger. I wasn’t even sorry for my words, even though I knew I should be. He was, as far as I was concerned, taking back everything he’d ever said to me.
“I’ve never done that for money.” He whispered after a moment. I tried not to let the broken sound of his voice get to me, but I could feel my heart melting anyway. I ignored it, trying to seem strong. He was in the wrong, not me. He was the one who changed the rules.
“What? Drugs more your thing?” I sneered.
His face fell at that, and I felt my stomach twist. Oh God. No.
“G-Gee?”
“Don’t. Just fucking don’t. Don’t even look at me.” He hissed, but his voice shook. I took a step towards him and stopped.
“I didn’t…I didn’t know-“
“It doesn’t matter. Just. Fuck. We’re not getting married, okay? Can we just leave it?”
“What, like…not ever?” I asked, my voice small. He paused, pressing his lips together, before giving a short shrug.
“I don’t know.” He admitted softly. I felt my heart squeeze painfully in my chest.
“I…don’t you want to?” I whispered.
“It wouldn’t work, Frank. Like, we can talk about it and yeah, it seems great, but it wouldn’t ever work, because-“ he cut himself off, looking away.
“Go on. Say it.” I sneered.
“Because we don’t work.” He admitted softly. I nodded.
“Glad you got that off your chest?” I asked bitterly. He shook his head.
“No. No, I feel awful. But I can’t keep doing this.”
“This? As in us?”
“No. Fuck, not that. No, you’re mine. You’re always gonna be mine, and I’m yours. But we can’t act like we’re a fully functioning couple. We’re not, Frank.”
“Then why bother? Why do all this if we have no future?” I demanded. Gerard didn’t answer. He sat down on the bed, running his hands over his face and into his hair.
“I don’t know what to say to you.” He admitted. My heart plummeted.
“How about goodbye. How about we just end this right here?” I whispered. He rose to his feet and shook his head.
“I don’t…I don’t want that. Frankie, you’re finally mine – for real, now. I can’t lose you yet.”
“We have no future, Gerard.” I sighed. He held both my hands, and I left them limp in his clutch.
“Isn’t now enough?” he breathed.
I just stared at him and he dropped my hands in defeat.

We didn’t speak for a while after that. I wasn’t really keeping track, but I knew it was too long. The empty, too-hot summer days blended together in a smudge of sunshine and attempted days out of my house, ignoring the aching in my chest.
We texted still, and he even called me a few times, but it was clear that there was no question of us seeing each other. Not right now.
The worst part of it was that I couldn’t even really be mad at him, really. It was awful, but I had to admit that he was right. Gerard and I were absolutely dysfunctional. We cheated on each other, we lied, we hurt each other. He was addicted to drugs and alcohol, and I was addicted to him. It was hopeless. He was broken glass, and as much as I tried to carry him, he sliced my skin, and I dropped parts and they shattered. And that was us; mutually and inevitably co-dependant and toxic.
But God, did I ever love him. I’d have given him anything if he needed it, I’d have given him the whole damn universe if he wanted it.
But he didn’t. He didn’t want anything from me anymore.

Days apart turned into a week. And then two.
By the third week, I was all but fading away. I’d had so many hopes for our time together, but here we were, not even speaking.
I tried to talk to him, to ask if we were still together, but the reply was always the same.
“I’m sorry.”
That was all he seemed to say to me. Always apologizing. After a while, it just seemed insincere, and I ignored it.
Ignoring his apologies turned into ignoring him in conversations, which progressed to ignoring his texts, and then his calls. And then we didn’t speak for maybe three days straight.
He got the hint and stopped texting me after the second day.
On the third day, however, he called me. This was unusual, even when he was feeling desperate or horny – he normally let himself suffer in silence. I blamed that on his intrinsically artistic nature.
I almost let the call run to the answer phone, but I didn’t. For some reason, I grabbed my phone and answered it.
He sounded almost surprised when I replied, as if I wouldn’t be the one answering my own damn phone.
“Frank.” He breathed, and fuck, his voice was enough to make me fall in love with him all over again. I’d missed him.
“Gee.” I replied. He was silent for a minute.
“What are you doing? Right now?” he asked. I let out a small laugh.
“Nothing. Nothing at all. Why?”
“I’m gonna come get you, okay? There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Oh.”
“It’s fine. I’ll be there in half an hour, alright?”
“Yeah. Yeah okay. Bye Gee.” I mumbled, hanging up before he could reply.
Of course, I was terrified. We don’t talk for almost a month, and suddenly he’s coming to get me?
Something was up. I knew it, and if I knew Gerard, it wasn’t likely to be a good thing.
The only reassurance I had, was that he wasn’t dumping me. I knew that, because if he was, he wouldn’t have bothered with any niceties. He seemed far too compassionate on the phone to be dumping me.
That, at least, was some relief.

It seemed like an eternity before he arrived. Maybe that was due to nerves, or it was due to the fact I’d gotten ready too early. Nonetheless, when I got his text saying simply “I’m here”, I felt like I was going to be sick. I did everything I could to procrastinate going out to the car, spending seemingly ages doing menial things, but when I checked my phone, it’d only been a couple of minutes. I groaned internally and made my way outside.
The sight of the car made my heart hammer even more than it had been before. He was inside, and in a few moments, and after far too long, I was going to see him.
I could have gagged on the taste the thought left in my mouth.

I thought of a thousand things I was going to say to him. I was going to yell at him for leaving me for so long, and call him a selfish asshole, and tell him that I didn’t need him anymore, that I was over him.
I threw open the car door and slid inside, not even looking at him. But I could feel his presence, almost taste his soft, vaguely bitter scent. I could feel the deep, hazel eyes as they watched me. I sucked in a breath and turned to tell him exactly what I thought of him.
And then I kissed him instead.
My hands were rough and insistent as I grabbed his face, curling my hand into his hair as I crashed our lips together. He didn’t hesitate for a moment, holding my waist and pulling me closer to him, his tongue flicking against my mouth. My anger, much to my dissent, fizzled away, dissolving in the bitter taste of coffee and cigarettes and alcohol that stained his tongue and his lips.
“You’ve been drinking.” I accused softly. He whined.
“Yeah.” He murmured, not even trying to deny it.
“Why?” I panted as he pulled me into his lap. His hands worked deftly at the buttons on my shirt.
“Missed you. Was nervous.” He mumbled, kissing my neck.
“Are you drunk?” I whispered, tilting my head back. He bit down on my neck and I moaned gently.
“No. I promise.” He said urgently, finally pulling my shirt open and kissing up my chest.
“Gerard. Fuck, I missed you. I fucking missed you, you fucking asshole.” I snapped. He dragged his tongue across my nipple and I whimpered.
“I missed you too. God, I missed you. But I had to…I had to be sure.” He said urgently.
I tugged myself away from him. I’d forgotten that he’d actually wanted to see me for a reason, and I guessed that that reason wasn’t to make out in his car.
“What did you want to talk to me about?” I asked suddenly. He sucked in a shaky breath, running a hand through his hair.
“I ah. I wanna show you something, if that’s okay?”
“Okay.” I murmured. I kissed him one last time, savoring the feel of his lips against mine, and slid off his lap, into the passenger seat.
As he started the car, I began to do my shirt back up, and sighed when I found a button missing.
“You ripped my button off.” I mumbled. He smiled.
“Sorry. You’ve ripped off a lot of my buttons, to be fair.” He retorted. I chuckled, shaking my head. He placed his hand gently on my thigh and I smiled softly.
“I’ve missed your smile. And your laugh.” He said gently, rubbing circles into my thigh.
“They were there. And so was I, just waiting for you.”
“As always. Always waiting for me to be good, aren’t you, Frank?” he said, his voice tinged with sadness.
“I’d wait forever. You know that.” I said earnestly.
“Maybe you shouldn’t. I’m not exactly worth waiting fo-“
“Stop. I love you. I’m in love with you.” I said firmly. His mouth stretched into a weak smile, and he said no more.
I tried not to let it bother me that he didn’t say it back.

I wasn’t sure why I was so surprised that the car journey was so tense, all things considered, but I was. I guess I’d thought that perhaps, after almost a month of not speaking to me, he’d have a lot to tell me.
Apparently not.

We pulled up moments later outside a church, and I looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.
“You want me to pray for my sins, sir?” I teased. He chuckled softly.
“Not exactly, Frankie. C’mon. I said I wanted to show you something, remember?” he said, pushing his car door open. I rolled my eyes and followed him, though I couldn’t stop the smile that twitched at my mouth.
He grinned, taking my hand softly.
“You’re allowed to smile, Frankie.” He chuckled, pushing open a gate, leading into the small graveyard behind the church.
“This is…cheery.” I murmured. He shot me an exasperated look.
“Just trust me, okay babe?” he replied. I was just relieved that he’d called me ‘babe’. He didn’t seem like he was going to dump me, which was – as it always was – a relief.
We walked silently hand-in-hand through the cemetery, the only sound was the gentle crunch of our feet on the floor, and Gerard’s laboured breath. He was nervous, and I couldn’t think of why. If he really wasn’t leaving me, I was happy to forgive him for our argument, and for the last month. Honestly, I’d just missed him, and I was absolutely desperate to have him back.
Not, of course, that I’d ever tell him that.
He halted to a stop in front of a tombstone, and looked down at me with a fond smile. It didn’t seem particularly special – just one of those short, black marble tombstones that were typical in graveyards. I was actually surprised when Gerard kneeled down in front of it, smiling gently.
“Frank, this is…well, I guess was, my grandma.” He murmured. I squinted at the name ‘Elena Way’ that was written in large, ornate gold letters on the stone, and smiled, squeezing my hand.
“You’ve spoken about her.” I murmured, not sure what else to say. He crossed his legs, looking up at me and motioning for me to sit down, too.
Slowly and slightly reluctantly, I sat down, smiling politely.
“I have a point.” He announced.
“Okay.”
“No, I mean. I didn’t just drive you up to my Grandma’s grave for no reason. I really do have a point.”
“What is it?” I asked, feeling curious. He gave a gentle grin.
“My Grandma was everything. She practically raised Mikey and I, and we adored her, more than anything. When I wanted to act, she made my costumes for me. When I wanted to sing, she drove me to band practice. When I wanted to be an artist, she bought me art sets. She was always there, and always so supportive of both Mikey and I, and it honestly destroyed us when she died. I thought I’d never be happy again.” He said, pausing to take a breath.
“But I am. With you. You’re my whole life, my whole world. I honestly…I don’t think there could be a me without you, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love you, more than anything.”
“I love you too.” I whispered. He smiled.
“Grandma said something to me once, and its always resonated quite deeply with me. She told me, when I was about 15, that everybody wants to be happy, and that, even though everyone has their own goals and aims and methods, it’s really happiness that everyone’s chasing. It made me…humble. But more than anything, it made me very aware of what makes me happy, and it made me want to hold onto those things. So, when the person that makes me the happiest suggests me having him forever, it makes no sense as to why I’d say no to that.” He murmured. I sat up, feeling nervous.
“It doesn’t matter now.” I whispered.
“Yes it does. It does matter, Frankie. All you wanted was me, and all I want is you, and…I don’t see why I made such a big deal. I was afraid. But…but I’m not afraid now.” He whispered, his hand moving to his pocket. My heart slammed against my ribs as I saw what he was about to do.
He opened the small, velvet box, and I gasped in surprise at the ring nestled there, even though I knew it would be.
“Frank. For real this time. I can’t live without you, okay? I don’t care if I’m afraid, or if the odds are against us. I want you, always.”
His eyes flicked up to me, then to his grandmother’s grave, and then back to me.
“Frank Iero. My love. My only love. Will you marry me?” he breathed.
I knew the answer as soon as I saw his hand moving to his pocket.
“Gerard…no. No, I won’t. I can’t.” I breathed.

Notes

I'm so sorry. It's been so long, and I'm mega mega sorry.
I finish school in like, two weeks (for good. How scary, right?) and so I've had a bunch of exams and stuff. But once school's done, I should definitely have more writing time, which is awesome. :)
Thanks for being so patient!
Also, I know I've left this on a cliffhanger, and hopefully I can write the next chapter soon so I don't kill you all ;)

A final thank you to all the lovelies that have messaged me to check on me. I'm fine, I'm just busy and bad at time management! I love you! <3