Sometimes I Think I'll Die Alone

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I’m slightly nervous. Can’t you tell?

Here we were on stage, just like we’d rehearsed, in front of... people. I was anxiously waiting for Gerard to speak so that Ray and I could come in with ‘Skylines and Turnstiles’. And Frank was front row... Joy. Mikey came up next to me and hugged my side.

“How many times do I have to say it baby? It’ll be f-fine.”

I squinted and chuckled, “Coming from the one who’s piss-ass drunk...” He gave me a lopsided smile, showing me he was hammered, but also incredibly nervous.

Gerard came running up to us, “Let’s get going people!” He patted his brother on the back and gave me a sloppy grin. He, too, was drunk... In fact, I think I’m the only one who wasn’t...

We all clambered onto the small stage and Gerard, being the front man, spoke to the audience, “What’s up New Jersey? We are My Chemical Romance! And we wanna show you a fucking good time tonight.”

He turned around to look at each of us, checking we were ready, then turned back to face the crowd, “Alright then, this one’s called ‘Skylines and Turnstiles’.”

And we played... The same as we always had practiced, but with more feeling. This time we were showing people what we were made of, and it was fucking good. Ray’s hair was bobbing to the beat of Bob’s drums while my heart was pounding to the line of Mikey’s bass. Gerard was... Sassy... It worked for him. He was at the front, where he belonged, strutting every bit of what he had. His hair was getting wet and matted as he shook his head, and though he was drunk, he sang spectacularly. Sure it’s definitely better when he’s sober, but the words still had the same level of feeling in them as they always did. Maybe more.

We got through numerous songs’ ‘Vampires Will Never Hurt You’, ‘Honey, This Mirror isn’t Big Enough for the Two of Us’ and one of my personal favourites, ‘Our Lady of Sorrows’. We were up to the final song, and this was always the hardest song for me to hear...

* * *

Frank’s P.O.V.

I was watching Grey intently as she played up on that stage... I never though for a second that she’d be that good at guitar. I mean, it just never crossed my mind how good she’d be. I watched as her body moved in sync with the drum beat, most of the time keeping her eyes closed... I found that quite impressive. I liked the way her hair bounced as she bobbed her head, it was kinda cute.

But of course, I know better than to think like that... You’ll get a good kick later, Frank.

Soon later, Gerard came to the mic again, “Sorry to love and leave you guys, but this is our last song ‘Early Sunsets Over Monroeville’. Hope to see you guys soon.”

This song started off beautifully, and I could feel the emotion in it as the guys all played, and then as Gerard started singing.

‘Late dawns and early sunsets, just like my favourite scenes.’

All of them stayed pretty stationary during this song, it wasn’t a particularly bouncy song... I already knew it was about ‘Dawn of the Dead’, that much was obvious to me, so it was meant to be a pretty emotional song.

I looked back to Grey, who’s blue fringe covered her face as she played. She didn’t move any part of her body besides her hands, just kept her head down and feet in place, about a foot apart. In the beginning she occasionally moved her head to the rhythm... But stopped when the song changed to a darker vibe.

‘But does anyone notice, but does anyone care? And if I had the guts to put this to your head. But does anything matter if you’re already dead? And should I be shocked now by the last thing you said? Before I pull this trigger, your eyes vacant and stained. And in saying you love me, make things harder at best. And these words changing nothing. As your body remains. And there’s no room in this hell, there’s no room in the next. But does anyone notice, there’s a corpse in this bed?’

I listened well to the words of the last verse. Until I noticed something.

A tear. One single tear slid down Grey’s cheek. I found it hard to believe that just anything was making her upset... It was the song.

As soon as the song finished and the guys walked off stage I waited for them in the back room. As I sat down on the old, brick red coloured sofa the door flung open and Ray, followed by the others came in shouting. “Fuck! How good was that bro?” Ray asked no one in particular.

I smiled and got up to hug him, “Great man, you were fucking great. You all seem pretty smashed though.” I chuckled at them as they grinned, showing their drunkenness.

Gerard spoke, “Ah who fucking cares man? It was fan-fuckin-tastic!”

I laughed and shook my head at him. Only then did I notice Mikey and Grey standing behind the two drunken buffoons. He was holding her close to him as she buried her face in his chest. She was shorter than him so he had his chin rested on her head as he tried to comfort her. I couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. Why, I don’t know. All I know is that I wanted to hug her like Mikey was. But I felt that to be a bit inappropriate... So, of course, I refrained from doing that. But I still wanted to...

* * *

Grey’s P.O.V.

I’d be lying if I said that song didn’t upset me. But I wasn’t going to say it... I didn’t need to. The only people that needed to know my reasons behind that had been standing on the very stage I had been not five minutes ago... And they all knew.

So, here I was, face buried in Mikey’s chest and my arms around his slim waist, while he had his arms wrapped around my shoulders, bringing me closer towards him. He made sure to keep my face out of anyone else’s view... He knew that it bothered me when people saw me cry. He was the only exception to that, the only one I cried to.

Mikey took my face in his hands a few minutes later, “Hey... You stay strong okay? You’re the strongest person I know... And if you break down... There’s no doubt I will too. Then you’ll be responsible for a bawling baby Mikey.” I giggled through light tears. “That’s better... Wanna sit down?” I nodded and he released my face from his hands, pulling me over to sit on his lap on the couch. I had only just realised that Frank was sitting on the couch opposite, talking to Gerard, Ray and Bob. His eyes averted to me for just a few seconds, and he smiled warmly at me. I don’t know why, but that smile meant quite a lot to me... I mean, people just tend to ignore me when I’m in a shitty mood, besides Mikey. They know it’s best to just leave me alone, because I won’t talk anyway. I appreciate it, but sometimes it feels like they’d prefer it that way anyway... I don’t know... But I liked his smile. It actually made me smile back.

There’s always someone fucking hanging on. Can anybody help me make things better?

Notes