Addiction and Her Name

It was the worst day ever, without a doubt. Kat was arrested and charged with attempted murder. It was complete bullshit, but that didn't stop them from doing it, although I was sure it would never hold up in court. There was no way they could actually find her guilty of anything. I was certain of it.

On my way to work from the station, the 9/11 terror attacks happened. I witnessed everything. If ever there had been hell on earth, I would imagine that that was it. It broke my mind. My feet automatically found their way to the nearest bar where I practically killed myself with alcohol.

The next day was another nightmare. The result of my getting dead drunk was that I never set an alarm and I completely overslept. I was running down the street completely out of sorts and completely out of breath. I probably, most likely, looked a mess. I hadn't showered in days; my clothes were wrinkled and not very fresh; of course there was also the matter of my being completely hung-over. I was ridiculously late to Kat's bail hearing.

I finally arrived at the court house and found Mikey and Ray waiting for me outside. There were no words to explain how much I appreciated them being there and how much I loved them for supporting me through this. However, I still felt irked that the only reason they were there in the first place was to support me and that their presence had nothing to do with Kat needing someone.

“Am I too late? Is it over?” I asked out of breath.

“Where were you?” Ray wanted to know.

“It’s over,” Mikey informed me at the same time.

“I just… Dammit!” I exclaimed in frustration. “What happened? Where is she?”

Ray took a step sideways before saying, “She’s inside somewhere.”

“What?” I was outraged. “She was refused bail?” I never thought that the hearing would be easy, seeing as she had already disappeared once when she left the hospital with me, but it wasn’t fair that they refused her bail completely because of it.

“To be honest, I didn’t think she would get it. The prosecution gave quite a good argument against it.”

Mikey nodded in agreement. “Fortunately the judge had compassion. To a certain extent at least. The bail amount was pretty high.”

I was lost. If she had made bail – how in the first place? – why was she still inside. I would have been running down the street.

“Some woman came in and offered to pay her bail.”

“A woman?” I asked confused. “What woman?”

The pair shrugged in unison. Mikey said, “I have no idea.”

This was very strange. I had no idea who or why. I would wait and find out.

*

Kat’s POV

I paced around the small office space, a nervous wreck. Why now? Why here? Then again, it could have just been my mind playing tricks on me. After all, I hadn’t been able to have one drink or anything much else for that matter since being taken into custody. I’ve been in quite a state. I would’ve been out on the street in an instant, but I had to know for sure and aside from that, she had requested to speak to me.

The door opened and I rushed to the other side of the desk, creating as much space between us as possible. I was fidgeting a lot and anxiously waiting to see her face. She entered the room and thanked someone just outside of it before shutting the door and turning to face me. She didn’t say anything and we simply stood there staring at each other for the longest time. My fidgeting didn’t subside at all.

“It’s been a long time,” she finally spoke, not breaking eye contact.

I didn’t know how to respond. Did I run to her or attempt to jump out the window instead? I had never dreamed that this day would come, especially at a desperate time like this. Someone really liked me, perhaps a guardian angel.

“It’s… okay.”

With those words, I broke and I had to rush across the room towards her.

“I don’t expect anything,” she was still busy saying as I crashed into her arms and cried uncontrollably. She clung onto me and I swore I could feel a slight shaking of her shoulders as well. I wasn’t the only one overcome with emotion. “I am so very sorry,” she choked out. I was in no condition to respond.

“Hey, hey,” she spoke softly, pulling away from me and pushing a short strand of hair out of my face. “It’s okay now.”

“No. No, it’s not,” I said through more tears, my insides continually breaking. A wave of emotions I had been suppressing came crashing down on me. I always did that, bottled up my feelings and I always ended up exploding. “Everything is a mess. It’s all messed up. Dana is in the hospital and he’s in a coma and it’s all my fault.”

She grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look at her. “I’m going to fix this. That’s why I’m here. Everything is going to get better.” She took a step back from me and I involuntarily shivered. “Come on. Let’s get a good meal in you. Some coffee?” she suggested with a small smile.

I nodded and she put an arm around my shoulders, leading me out of the office and out of the building where we hailed a cab to the nearest little café. A waiter seated us and provided us with menus. By now I was a little more composed. At least I wasn’t crying anymore. Of course, I still wasn’t over the shock of seeing my sister again after so long, especially since I never thought I would see her again.

“I’m glad you’re here, Grace. How did you…”

The waiter was back to take our order for drinks. After he left, Grace was the first to speak.

“It’s been impossible to get in touch with you, especially since you did not want to talk to me.”

I broke our eye contact, knowing full well how right she was and I recalled a conversation with Gerard when I told him it was easier to push her away before the same could be done to me. Many times after that I had wondered whether I should have had more faith in her, given her the benefit of the doubt?

“I read the papers and also, Dana’s parents called me.”

This last piece of information caught me by surprise. “Why?”

“They thought you might need someone and they couldn’t reach Mom or Dad.”

“Couldn’t reach them or were they simply not interested enough to bother with me?”

“They don’t know what’s going on, Katherine,” Grace assured me. “They would do something about all of this if they did.”

I wasn’t convinced, because years of neglect and abandonment had led me to believe otherwise.

“Anyway, they told me what happened or at least as much as they knew…”

“I thought for sure they would hate me after what happened,” I murmured, looking down at the menu for something to do. My appetite was non-existent, but I knew Grace wouldn’t be satisfied until I at least tried to eat something.

“Katherine, they don’t hate you. Dana’s parents have always been great people and I know for a fact that they have always been very fond of you. They don’t know exactly what happened between you and Dana and naturally, they’re confused. They don’t understand any of it, but I don’t think that they blame you. As his parents, I can’t say that they’re on your side, but at least they care enough to have called me.”

“I appreciate you coming.”

“I promise everything will be better from now on.”

“How?” I couldn’t help wondering. “I’ve hit rock bottom. I actually hit rock bottom a long time, like a really long time ago.” I then set about telling her everything that she had missed out on since our separation. I told her about the baby, about Dana’s affair, my spiral; how we tried to work things out but failed. Gerard was completely left out of the story, though. I also explained exactly what happened the night of the accident.

“I can fix this. I’ll represent you and we can win this trial. It was an accident, self defense. Plus, I know of a great place where you can go. Their successes have been great and they will take good care of you.”

“Rehab?”

“You don’t have to live like this anymore. I will help you get your life back together.”

It was too tempting of an offer to refuse. I was exhausted. I was tired of fighting. I was turning 21 in less than a month and I’ve already gone through more than some people do in an entire lifetime. I couldn’t take it anymore. I didn’t want to lose my sister all over again either. I was willing to do this, to try.

The idea of getting clean scared the hell out of me and I wasn’t sure if I could do it. Did I have it in me? How was I going to get through a day without alcohol? How would I face the world; myself? Panic set in again.

“Kat…”

My head shot up. Grace was looking at me worriedly, but with a tenderness that cut through to my heart.

Gerard.

Doing this would mean that I would have to give up Gerard. There was no way that this could end any differently. I would have to let him go if I got convicted and I would have to let him go if I decided to get clean. He was a too big part of my fucked up life. None of this was his fault, but I couldn’t pull my life together and still be with him.

Then it occurred to me that this might be the best thing I could ever do for him. He was never going to get better while I was in his life either. As much as I hated to think about it, the fact of the matter was that I was the reason his life had become as dark as it was now. I was the one dragging him down even though I had tried my best to help him and be there for him. It was a classic case of the blind trying to lead the blind. We needed to be apart first, if we were ever going to be together.

“I know it’s scary, but I will be there every step of the way,” Grace said, pulling me from my thoughts. “I will pay for everything and I will visit you as much as they would allow me to.”

It was decided. “I’ll do it.”

She let out a breath of relief. “I know you’re strong enough to do this, because I know who you are. You’re much stronger than I ever was otherwise you wouldn’t have made it this far.”

I didn’t think that I was strong. If I had been, I wouldn’t have been in this situation in the first place. I would have left Dana the first time I caught him cheating. I would have attempted to pull my life together a long time ago. As it were, I was pretty much afraid of my own shadow by now.

“Who knows, once you get back on your feet and the trial is over, you might still get to do everything you’ve always wanted to. You’re still young and…”

My mind wandered off again as I remembered my promise to Gerard, the promise that no matter what, I would one day fulfill my dreams. However, all of that was too much to think about right now. There was no way of knowing whether I would be able to do any of that. My entire future depended on the outcome of this trial.

“All your things are probably still at the house?” Grace was still talking and this time she actually expected a response. It was still strange to have her sitting right there in front of me. “I’ll get you settled in at my place and while you’re getting some much needed rest, I can go get them.”

“No.” It was out before I could stop myself.

She looked taken aback. “Katherine…”

“I’m staying with a friend,” I told her. If I only had a limited amount of time left to spend with Gerard, I was going to make the most of it. Besides, he must be going out of his mind already. I couldn’t abandon him. I couldn’t do that to him. “I have everything I need. You don’t have to go to the house.” That part was a bit of a lie. I could definitely do with more clothes, but I didn’t want her going to the house. I didn’t want anything from that place.

She was uncertain. “Are you sure? I have more than enough room.” What she really wanted to say was that she would prefer it if she was able to keep an eye on me.

I wanted to be with her, but I missed Gerard. He would comfort me. I needed to be with him more than with her right now. “I’m sure. I will meet up with you again tomorrow and we’ll talk some more.”

I abruptly stood up. Our meal was finished and there was no reason for me to stay any longer.

“Hold on!” Grace exclaimed. “I can give you a ride.”

I shook my head. “That’s okay.” She’d worry more if she did. Gerard didn’t exactly live on Fifth Avenue.

“At least, let me give you some money. Also, here is my number,” she said, pulling a business card out along with some money.

I didn’t want the money.

“Take it,” she insisted, folding it and shoving it into the front pocket of my pants.

“Grace…”

“Please, it would make me feel better. I’m worried sick about you.” She was also on her feet now.

“You really don’t have to. I’m fine.”

The look she gave me spoke a million words. She bailed me out of prison and was booking me into rehab and now I was planning on disappearing.

“Give me your number,” she said, handing me her phone. It wasn’t a request so I did it. I would have done it anyway, because she was about to be my new lifeline.

“Thank you, Grace. For everything, all of this.” Those words could not possibly express how grateful I truly was. She was literally saving my life.

“I wish I could do more,” she said, hugging me.

We parted ways and I walked in the direction of Gerard’s apartment. I wasn’t ready to face him yet, though. Instead, I purchased a bottle of vodka at the nearest liquor store. I swallowed a few mouthfuls of the alcohol just outside the store. If anyone ever wanted heaven in a physical form, that would be it, because one sip of alcohol gave you a certain sense of comfort and the more you drank, the better you felt about life in general.

Drinking out on the sidewalk didn’t seem like the best idea, so I found myself a seat in one of the bars in the area where I had a constant supply of alcohol and I could be alone.

Was I really ready to let Gerard go? He would never agree to a separation. There was no way he would ever be reasonable about this. It would be personal. I would be abandoning him, letting him down.

I honestly believed that if it didn’t actually kill him, it would make him stronger. He was definitely strong enough to survive my betrayal. He would come out stronger and ultimately be better off.

Everything that Ray and Mikey had done suddenly made sense. They realized long ago what I couldn’t: even though I wasn’t Gerard’s only problem, I was without a doubt his biggest problem. That’s why Ray was so hostile and that’s why Mikey went so far as to ask me to stop spending time with his brother.

It was sad that I found it easier to think of leaving Gerard behind than considering what might happen once my life got back on track. Thinking of the future was a lot scarier or perhaps it was because Gerard would not be a part of it. I was going to be alone.

It was dark when I finally left the bar. I didn’t bother looking around for Gerard, because I knew he would be home, drinking by himself while he worried and/or moped. I was eager to get home. I felt a lot more like myself again after having consumed a large quantity of alcohol. If I was a little more sober, I might have felt bad for using Grace’s money to feed my addiction.

I found Gerard sitting on the couch with a half empty beer in his hands, staring off into space. I expected him to do one of two things, either start shouting and waving his hands around angrily or jump up and hug me to death. He surprised me by not doing either of those. He didn’t say anything and simply continued to stare ahead. How much did he have to drink?

I couldn’t leave him. Not like this. He would completely break. It would ruin him and he would never ever forgive me. He wouldn’t understand. Even as I stood there, I didn’t know how to approach him.

“Come here.” I suddenly heard his voice and his arms stretched towards me. Once I sat down next him, he enveloped me in a hug. “I’m glad you’re back. Very relieved actually,” he spoke quietly. He pulled away from me and his eyes searched my face. “What happened to you? Where did you go today? I waited for you. Mikey and Ray said some woman paid your bail?” He was full of questions.

I looked down, already feeling guilty for all the lies that were about to follow. “Uhm, yeah. It was a very big surprise.”

“Did you talk to her? Did she explain why?”

I shook my head firmly. “No. I guess maybe she experienced something similar and she felt bad for me. I don’t know.”

Gerard sighed deeply and looked around the room before looking back at me. “I’m just super happy that you’re home. We can take everything one step at a time from here. I got you.”

It was my turn to hug him and I was reluctant to let go, feeling that it might be the last time I get to hold him like that. It wouldn’t be, but every moment from here on out might be the last.

Notes

So when I said that it would be a while before my next update, I never dreamed that it would be almost 3 months. Sorry about that. Hopefully the chapter was worth the wait.
xoxo