Addiction and Her Name

It’s been a long time since I woke up and didn’t feel completely terrible about life. Dana and I made up. We were going to try this again. Things are about to turn around. Life was about to return to normal which was great. I found myself smiling happily at the idea of it all. This dark phase was about to pass, finally. I noticed the half open bedroom door slowly open and I sat up.

“Knock knock. I thought I would have to wake you,” Dana said, coming into the room, holding a tray laden with food.

“Are those your famous apple pancakes?” I asked excitedly. Dana made the best breakfast in the world and it’s been forever since I had any of it.

“It is,” he grinned. “I hope you’re hungry, because I made plenty.” I was awed as he placed the tray on the bed and got back in next to me.

“I’m starved,” I admitted embarrassed as my stomach rumbled at the sight of the food. “What is all this?”

“I have to start somewhere,” he told me. “I figured that we used to do this all the time and that I have missed it. Besides, what better way to start the day than breakfast in bed with my beautiful wife?” He leaned in and kissed me.

“Well, you’re getting off to a pretty good start.” I giggled happily, pulling away and reaching for a pancake. “You really went all out,” I noted, taking in the pancakes and bacon and the juice. It was quite something. I almost missed the strawberries which seemed impossible, because they were huge. “Dana, this is amazing.”

“Not yet, but it will be.” I looked at his serious face. This was only the beginning of the healing process of our relationship.

“It’s perfect,” I insisted, kissing his cheek. “Thank you.”

We both dug into the food, filling our stomachs with the most delicious pancakes and strawberries. We caught up a little on what had been happening in our lives. Sadly, neither of us had much to tell. I was still working at Starbucks and I was still getting drunk at night. How exciting. At least Dana seemed to be doing well. He was passing his college classes pretty well and work was also good. In that moment I realized that we were actually lucky to be there. Despite everything, we were still trying to stay afloat and somehow we were succeeding. In the end we were going to be okay. Life could give its best shot at destroying us. We will keep each other going.

“Unfortunately I have a paper due tomorrow and I still have some patching up and polishing to do so I won’t be able to take you out tonight.” Dana wiped his mouth and moved the tray off the bed.

“That’s okay.” I was laying leisurely back against my pillows looking at his apologetic face. “I don’t expect you to fail because of me.”

He smiled. “I know, but I still would have preferred spending my time with you over spending it in the library.”

“Tomorrow is another day and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I hope not.” He reached out and pulled me into his arms. “I love you, you know?”

I sighed contently at the words that left his lips. “I do and I do too.”

After breakfast, Dana insisted on cleaning up and I left for work. Just as I was about to step inside Starbucks, I nearly got run over by someone running from inside.

“Shit, sorry!” the guy apologized, barely stopping.

“It’s okay,” I assured him as I continued inside. “Was that Gerard?”

“Yep, he normally flies in here like a hurricane and out the same way in the mornings,” Ray explained. “Like you, he’s also always late for work. But you’re on time today,” he noticed surprised.

I laughed, “I am and don’t I receive any praise?”

“Keep it up and I might consider it.”

I chuckled. He never liked me and I didn’t think he ever would, but I couldn’t possibly care less. A customer showed up and I helped him instead of listening to Ray any longer. The rest of the morning passed as any other morning – super busy. Everyone came by here before going to work or during a coffee break or any possible time they could. I wasn’t complaining. That’s why I kept this job. It kept me busy, kept my thoughts from wandering to dark places. Today that wasn’t necessary of course. I was in a good mood and nothing and no one was going to ruin it.

*

Gerard

After a good weekend it wasn’t so bad being at work. My spirits were high and I enjoyed working on a new idea to pitch to the network when it was eventually finished. Time flew by while I was buried deep in my art. I didn’t stop once, not even for lunch, until I heard someone talk above my cubicle.

“It’s good to see you so hard at work. I thought for sure I would find you sitting here and missing me.”

I looked up to see a familiar smiling face. “Sarah!” I practically jumped out of my chair and stepped out of the 3x4 space. I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was really her and she looked amazing. College was definitely treating her well. “Wow, you look amazing! What are they feeding you over there?”

Her smile widened. “You charmer, I missed you.”

“Not nearly as much as I missed you,” I assured the blonde beauty, pulling her into a tight hug. “And you got contacts,” I continued, pulling away and staring at her in awe once more.

“Do you like them?”

“Yes, I can see your beautiful face now.” I couldn’t help taking her face in both my hands and taking in every detail. I couldn’t believe how happy I was to see her. I had no idea how much I had missed her until she appeared out of nowhere. “How long are you in the city?”

“I’m leaving again tonight.”

“What?” I wailed. “But you just got here.”

“I actually got here on Friday and I went by your place, but you weren’t there. That’s why I’m here today, because I knew I would definitely find you at work.”

I hit my forehead. “Shit, yeah, I was in Jersey on Saturday, that’s why I wasn’t home.”

“No problem. We still have the afternoon. Can you disappear for the rest of the day?” Her eyes were hopeful and there was no way in hell I was saying no. We had a lot of catching up to do.

“Hey, Ernie can you please cover for me?” I asked the guy in the cubicle next to mine and he told me that he would. “Done, let’s go. Do you have any objections to Starbucks?”

“Do I ever?” She chuckled while I grabbed my jacket and we left the building. “That’s one thing going to university has taught me, to live off coffee and all manner of energy drinks.”

“Sounds like a great life to me. I don’t know why you’re complaining.”

“I’m not. I’m having a great time. It gets busy and sometimes it’s hard, but I’ve met so many awesome people and I actually have a social life.” She laughed at this.

“I noticed that you’re a lot less shy.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment. I missed the city.”

“Really?” I asked skeptically. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the city, but I couldn’t see how anyone could miss it.

“Everything and everyone I know is here. Of course I miss it.”

“I guess you have a point,” I conceded as we stepped into Starbucks and ordered our coffees before sitting down.

“So we’ve only talked about me. What’s been going on in your life?” Sarah asked leaning forward interested to hear what I had to say.


I didn’t really want to talk about myself for obvious reasons. There wasn’t much to tell and either way she wouldn’t approve of the one thing I had to tell her. “No, no. You haven’t told me about your student life yet and about your studies.”

“You’re cheating, but okay. I’ll let you win this one.It’s been great. I’ve been meeting the coolest people ever. College students are crazy by the way. I’m not exactly into the whole party scene so I guess you can’t really say that I have much of a “student” life.” She shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s been fun. If you don’t go to college you definitely miss out on a fun part of life. I’ve learned so much and not only with regards to my course, but about people and life. I’ve lived in my own little bubble all this time. It’s quite a revelation to see what really goes on in the world and to see so many different personalities come together. I love it. It’s fascinating the crap out of me.”

My eyes grew wide in mock shock. “Sarah, you said crap.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a real badass,” she laughed it off. “Now it’s your turn to spill.”

I looked around the room for something to say, but couldn’t find a distraction and sighed. It was inevitable that I would have to tell her something eventually. We couldn’t talk about one thing the whole time.

“I haven’t been half bad. My brother moved to the city which was awesome. Work’s good I guess. I met someone so I haven’t been spending all my time with the guys.”

“That is very good news. You’re getting away from all those bad influences.”

“They’re my friends, they’re not bad influences. I’d easier say that they are rid of the bad influence, because that was me.”

“And this someone you met, tell me about her, it is a girl, right?”

“Yes,” I chuckled. “It’s a girl. Her name is Kat and we’ve been spending a lot of time together. It’s been fun.” That was all I was willing to divulge for the moment.

“You don’t give much away. Do you like her?”

“She’s married.”

Her eyes grew wide, “Oh. I’m guessing no then.”

I grabbed a fistful of my hair and pulled a strained face. “I’ve messed up.”

“You didn’t…”

“I kind of kissed her the other night.”

“You did what???” It was Ray’s outraged voice that interrupted our conversation. I had been too nervous about my confession to keep an eye out for him in case he heard which of course he did. Bring on the end of the world. I nodded guiltily, since it would be pointless to try to deny it now.

“I told you this was going to happen, but no, you never fucking listen! I can’t believe you kissed her! She’s fucking married!” he exclaimed practically slamming the tray down on the table.

“I know that! Fuck! I made a fucking mistake, okay! But she rejected me so just let it go!” Sarah quietly sat listening to our argument. The poor woman probably didn’t know what to say or make of any of this.

“Her husband’s going to kill you when he finds out.”

“Do you know him?”

“No, but that’s what I would’ve done. I would kill another man if he kissed my wife,” he stated vehemently.

“Great,” I muttered with a roll of my eyes.

“Gerard, you have to stop seeing her,” he said.

“It won’t happen again. I’m not an idiot,” I grumbled.

“That’s what you said last time,” he pointed out.

“Gerard, he kind of has a point,” Sarah agreed with Ray. “Maybe it’s not such a good idea to keep spending time with her if she’s married and you have feelings for her.”

“I won’t make the same mistake twice!” I insisted. “I shouldn’t have kissed her in the first place. I know she’s married and she’s not interested, so can we just forget about it.”

“You won’t forget about it if you keep spending time with her.”

“Spending time with her doesn’t have anything to do with this,” I retorted.

Ray clearly had trouble reigning in his temper. “It has everything to do with this! If you haven’t been spending so much time with her, you would never have fallen in love with her…”

“But I did fall in love with her and there is nothing I can do about that now!” Sarah breathed in sharply at my declaration.

“Gerard, you know that under different circumstances I would’ve been happy for you, but…” Ray started, but I cut him short.

“Don’t, okay! Just forget it!”

Ray angrily grabbed the tray back off the table and stormed off, leaving me and Sarah in an awkward silence. My eyes caught movement from the entrance. It was Kat. Relief that she had not been there to witness what had just happened washed over me. She did not need to know about any of this, not until the time was right. My gaze followed her all the way over to the back of the counter where she put on her apron and began to help customers. Her movements were automatic and normally the smile she flashed customers, if she bothered, was a fake, but today there was something different about it, about her. She seemed happy and I couldn’t help but smile to myself.

“Is that her?” I had almost forgotten about Sarah. I nodded in response to her question. “She’s beautiful,” she commented, turning to face me. “Why her, Gerard?”

“What do you mean?”

“You knew she was married. Why did you kiss her?”

“I’m not sure. Ever since I first saw her, I’ve had this obsession, no, that’s not the right word, but there was something about her. I couldn’t get her out of my mind and at first I thought it was because she was like me, because I liked knowing that I wasn’t the only one in that position, but that wasn’t it. I don’t know,” I admitted. “We spent a lot of time together and we became friends. I didn’t even really think about the possibility of liking her as anything more than a friend until Ray mentioned it and by then it was too late. I guess, in hindsight, I should’ve seen it coming. She’s very beautiful and I couldn’t get away from her.”

“That still doesn’t explain why her.”

“She cares,” I shrugged not sure exactly how to answer her question. “A while back I was in the hospital and she checked up on me while I was there and afterwards. She takes care of me without needing to. It’s not just me she cares about either; she wanted to be a pediatrician which means she loves kids. Then there’s her laugh, which she rarely ever does which is very sad, but when she does it’s the most beautiful sound in the world. I’ve managed to make her laugh once or twice and it’s hard, but I can do it. I can make her laugh, you know, like make her happy again, because even though she’s always there for me there’s still this thing, like, she’s kind of in the same boat as me. She’s also taking care of her problems with alcohol, but not quite as much as I do. It not only tells me that she has her own problems, but also that she’s very strong, because despite whatever is wrong, she’s still going. She’s still fighting to survive.”

“Wow, you really love her.”

“I’m getting there…fast.”

“Hey, Gee! Can I get you guys anything?”

I smiled at Kat’s cheeriness. “Hey, Kat. This is Sarah.”

She looked at Sarah and smiled. “It’s nice to finally meet you. Gerard talks about you a lot.” Warmness settled in Sarah’s eyes at her words. “The usual?” Kat asked, turning back to me.

“Yes, please. Hey, did I nearly run you over this morning or was that my imagination?” I checked, a slight crease between my brows, recalling my rush that morning.

Kat chuckled, “Yeah, you nearly floored me.”

I ducked my head guiltily. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I know what it’s like to be late for work,” she assured me.

“Technically I’m never late for work. I’m always just on time. I just have to do some cleaning up once I get there, because there’s no time for hair or teeth in the morning if I don’t want to be late.”

“So that’s how it’s done,” she noted amused. “Can I get you anything?”

“No, thank you. I should probably get going if I don’t want to miss my train back.”

“We haven’t spent enough time together yet,” I complained. “Can’t you stay a while longer?”

“Unfortunately I have class in the morning. I can’t even if I wanted to.”

“Fine,” I grumbled, hoping that she might take pity on me and change her mind. “Cancel my order.”

“Sure,” Kat nodded. “Am I seeing you tonight?”

“Definitely, same time as always.” I paid and followed Sarah out.

“She seems sweet. I can see why you like her and I think it’s very unfair that you’ve finally fallen in love, but that you can’t be with that person.”

“I’ll be fine. I’ve survived this far, haven’t I?” That was the sum of my feeble attempt to be positive.

“I’ve got my fingers crossed.” She turned to me with a smile. “I’ll see you the next time I’m in the city.”

“I’ll go visit you too some time.”

“I would like that. Thanks for the coffee and the company. I’ve never had a dull moment with you, Gerard Way.”

“I’m sorry.” I looked down at my shoes until I felt her pull me into a hug. “Take care of yourself.”

“You too.”

I left her outside her apartment and walked back to my own empty one.

*

“I am dying to know why you’re in such a good mood,” I told Kat, grinning from ear to ear myself, because her happiness was contagious.

“Finally I get to tell someone. I’m about to burst, because I don’t have anyone else to talk to,” she rambled eagerly. “The other day after we came back from Jersey, I found Dana waiting for me at home. I’m not going to bore you with the details. In short, we talked and we decided to work harder at our marriage. We are going to make it work. We’ve spent time together since then and we’ve talked a lot and it’s been great. This has definitely been the best weekend I’ve had in almost a year.” She was clearly overjoyed. I tried to be happy for her. I wanted to be happy for her, but I couldn’t help selfishly wondering what was going to become of me now.

“That’s great news. No wonder you’re in the clouds,” I managed to say with a big fake smile.

“I am very happy,” she assured me. “I never actually thought this would happen. Things are going to change. They’re going to be better now.” My heart kept dropping; it was residing at my feet by now. I didn’t even have the slightest bit of hope left for me. I had no chance with her, ever, and our friendship, what little we had, was probably also shot to shit. “Don’t worry about me abandoning you though,” she said as if in response to my thoughts. “Dana is still busy juggling both his job and his studies and he’ll most likely be busy most nights, allowing the two of us to still spend plenty of time together. You’ll just have more time to spend with your friends than you did before.” That’s the thing, I didn’t want to spend time with my friends, at least not time I could have been spending with her instead. “You’re still my best buddy, Gee.” She gave me her brightest smile ever and I relaxed. We were okay. Nothing was going to change between us. She was always going to be my Kat.

“Now,” Kat continued. “I’m tired of decaying in bars night after night. Let’s get out of here and do something fun. We can go to a club and dance. I haven’t done that in forever.”

“Sounds like a plan. I have a few moves.”

Her grin widened. “Good, then you’ll show them to me. Come on.” She dropped some cash on the bar top and got to her feet. “I know a great underground place.”

*

Kat dragged me straight to the dance floor the second we got into the club. I was surprised by how easily she flashed her fake ID at the bouncer outside. The music was extremely loud and pretty bad, but I soon felt the rhythm take hold. You had to dance. Everywhere sweaty bodies were moving to the beat, some too close to each other, they might as well have been having sex right there. It was kind of disturbing. Maybe I wouldn’t think that had the roles been reversed. Kat looked ecstatic as she danced, the euphoria of it all clear on her face. The overhead club lights played perfectly across her face, showing off her perfect bone structure and beautiful lips. Her eyes were closed as she moved to the thumping music, giving me an opportunity to admire her. I couldn’t believe it was the same girl I saw for the first time only a few months ago. One happy weekend completely changed her. She was so much more beautiful and even though the whole prospect and a reunion with her husband held nothing good for me, I couldn’t help feeling happy too. It was seeing her happy that made my chest swell. It was such a rare sight and I savored every moment.

“Come on, Mr. Way. Show me your famous moves,” she called over the music.

I smiled and put a little more effort into my dancing. Kat came to dance in front of me and my hands found her waist of their own accord. There was nothing weird about it, we were just dancing and she didn’t seem to mind. I could feel the movement of her hips underneath my hands, feel her slim curves sway from side to side with ease. She was a great dancer, never missing a beat. I gulped, quickly pulling my hands away to continue with my own thing. I had to avoid any temptation to kiss her again. I diverted my eyes everywhere but her.

She suddenly leaned forward and I froze. “I’m glad I met you,” she said in my ear. She was so close that I could smell her perfume. It suited her personality perfectly, soft and sweet, but intoxicating nonetheless. Her arms wrapped around my neck in a hug. I awkwardly hugged her back, since this was not exactly something I could handle right then. I wasn’t sure exactly how I felt about her. I knew that I was very attracted to her and that I cared about her a lot. The degree to which my affection extended was still in question though. Was I in love with her? If I was, how in the hell was I going to deal with those feelings without ruining our friendship? I was lost. One thing was for sure. She was never getting rid of me.

“I’ll always be here,” I quietly replied.

Notes

I think it's safe to say that all my good intentions of updating every Thursday has been shot to hell. Uni is a bitch, but I will prevail! Hehe.

Anyway, thank you for everyone's feedback on the last chapter! I appreciated it a lot! Hopefully this chapter was worth the wait.

xoxo