All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

The week before the tour was the best week of my life. Looking back on it now, I hadn’t a clue as to why I was so nervous about meeting the guys. They were my family now, including Mia of course and I couldn’t ask for anyone better. In that short week of knowing them…they kept me going for now.

We spent the latter part of the week locked up inside Gerard and Mikey’s house pretty much resting up as much as we could before the tour began. We knew that while we were on tour the guys would easily get exhausted from playing near every night, seeing as though they were shattered during band practice (which they let me and Mia watch) and me, knowing myself so well, will probably get hammered as often as I could. I hadn’t drunk a lot really around the guys and I think Frank was wary towards me about the subject, the only times I drank was when Gerard and I were sitting in his room together, however I could barely remember anything when I woke up once he’d tuck me up in the duvet.

I couldn’t help feeling an overriding sense of guilt because I’d slept in Gerard’s bed practically the whole night. He was persistent and told me it was totally fine but still, I don’t know why he was being so nice to me. Maybe he just pitied me?

I also met their drummer, Bob who was an absolute sweetheart and his humour much like Franks, especially when it came to Gerard and I. The situation with Gerard was pretty much constant throughout the whole week. Although in the first few hours of knowing each other we’d become close, we were practically now joined at the hip. When we’d all sit and watch horror movies, Gerard insisted that I sit beside him because he knew I was scared of practically all the ones Frank chose to watch. He would hold my hand or wrap an arm about my shoulders so I could bury my head into his chest when it could to creepy for me to handle. Don’t get me wrong, I loved horror but I had a limit to what I could physically watch.

I tried to keep my distance from Gerard though although I know it seems I’m showing mixed signals my mind kept shouting at me to stay clear from them all. I knew I was going to end my life soon, I wouldn’t live long and I didn’t particularly want to. After the tour they’d all go back to their lives and I’d have to find somewhere else to go. I didn’t expect them to put up with me for all that time. I was surprised still that Gerard even spoke to me. I would have wanted to shoot me by now if I were Gerard. I had enough comments like that at school that would remain with me and dig their way into my mind to stay – ‘do us a favour and kill yourself already’ they would shout and honestly, I wish I could or did.

I sat down at the kitchen table in the Way’s household alone, as all the guys went on one last shop before taking off on tour tomorrow while Don and Donna were out working. I bought up the CD player from Gerard’s room and played the one CD I’d bought with me…Fleetwood Mac. As I sketched aimlessly, not entirely sure what process I was taking, I realised I was suddenly drawing a face and the features resembled exactly that of Gerard’s. In a moment’s panic I threw down my pencil, ripped the page out of my sketchbook and threw it into the bin, my heart racing as I heard it thrumming in my ears. I stood there a little dumbfounded at my outburst but one moment my brain was saying stay the hell away and now I was subconsciously drawing Gerard. I was angry at myself to having all these emotions circulate my mind…maybe I should start taking my tablets again. It wasn’t a matter of ‘Oh I don’t need these anymore’, I just simply forgot about them and being around the guys made me forget how fucked up I was…that was until I went to sleep.

I still hadn’t shown Gerard any of my sketches because I was too embarrassed to. I’d seen the work he’s done and it’s incredible, the cartoons and characters for his comic, the life-like images he was able to create on a canvas…If I sat my work down next to his, it’d look a thousand times worse than they already are. But for me it’s another escape…that’s why I continue to doodle and try to refrain from grabbing the razor because I figured Gerard was watching me closely. I was probably seen as a burden to him and the rest of the guys and they were only because nice because I’m sure Frank told them I was sucked up…you know as pre-warning.

Just as Silver Springs drew to an end and Sara began to flow throughout the household, I heard keys rattling in the door followed by short, sprinted footsteps, run straight for the kitchen. Frank stood breathlessly, shoving the bags to his side as he held out an impatient hand.

“What?” I asked as I began to take a cigarette from my packet.

“Please give me one or so help me I will kill any who gets in my way!” he hissed. I slowly gave him the packet and he snatched it from me. I couldn’t help but laugh because I knew exactly what was going on.

“You know, their gonna know you smoked.” I chuckled catching the lighter in one hand. Frank had made a bet to everyone while he was drunk that he could refrain from smoking until the tour began and we all knew he’d collapse. He was so sure that he wouldn’t, he even bet them money and cigarettes.

“They won’t if you don’t tell them.” He said with a sigh as he exhaled the smoke out calmly.

“I won’t…but it’s fairly obvious that you ran ahead of them to get a cigarette before they came home. You don’t run for anyone or anything…except booze and cigarettes.” I shrugged and he smirked.

“Well Miss Winters I have my way of deceiving people-”

“Aha YES!” We heard suddenly and Mikey was standing in doorway with his fist bumped in the air. You owe me 50 bucks.” He grinned. He made his way over to me and kissed me on the cheek as I stood up to give him a hug.

“Hey Mikey.”

“Hey Win…we knew you would crack Frank.” He laughed as Frankie pulled out the puppy dog eyes, staring up a Mikey hoping to weasel his way out.

“Awh Mikes you know I don’t have that kinda money!” Frank protested.

“Well you shouldn’t have made a stupid bet.” I retorted beginning to pack up my artwork. That’s when the rest of the guys began flowing into the house. Ray came in; beaming at me while also pleased he’d won the bet. (Frank said 10 bucks to each person involved, apparently I was included). He smiled and went over to the coffee machine, beginning to brew a cup for each person.

Bob was the next to arrive as I stood next to Mikey, leaning against the counter. He gave me a one armed hug around the shoulders and a ruffling of my hair. I laughed pushing him away but he was too tall for my own strength handle. That’s when I noticed another pair of hands pushing Bob away and I instantly knew who’s it was and my heart couldn’t stop fluttering. Everyone laughed at my state of hair and I glared at Bob, pointing directly back at him in a warning way which made them laugh harder.

Suddenly Gerard, with his perfect smile, was standing in front of me flattening down my hair as I shyly looked up to meet his gaze.

“See this is how proper friends are meant to treat each other!” I scolded and Frank waved his hand.

“You know that’s a load of bullshit.” He said coming over and ruffling my hair again. That’s it. Still not properly greeting Gerard, I turned away pulling the hairband out of my pocket as I did and tied my hair up in a messy bun so no one else could of had the chance. I sighed and Mikey kissed my cheek again before heading over to the seat I was at earlier while I was drawing. I felt Gerard’s eyes burning the side of my face so I eventually turned around to meet his hazel eyes that made my heart melt.

He was standing with one arm propped against the counter, the other on his hips, and he smiled at me, his smile so infectious it made me feel all bubbly inside- NO STOP IT.

“Hey.” I said as calmly as I could muster.

“Hey.” He chuckled. “It’s nice to be finally recognized.” He said placing a hand on my hip and pulling me closer to him. As I stepped forward a little, he’d already wound his arms around my waist and pulled me close, his face buried in the side of my neck. My neck was revealed and I could feel his breath against my skin, causing me to tingle all over. I wrapped my arms around his neck almost like instinct, as I sighed into the overpowering sensation…was it comfort/security?

“Stop making out over there!” I heard Bob say as he chewed on something loudly. The others giggled as Gerard put his middle finger up towards him. I felt so embarrassed all over again I began to pull away but Gerard didn’t move his hands from my waist making me comfortable yet uneasy at the same time. Instead I opted to stand there awkwardly with my hands crossed over my chest as Gerard placed his chin on the top of my head, although his neck had to stretch a bit while Frank kept making ‘kissey’ faces towards us.

It took a lot of effort but instead of freaking out and running away, I opted to wrap my arms around Gerard’s waist and snuggle my face into his chest. I wasn’t going to lie, I liked hugging Gerard so I thought I’d make it last as long as it possibly could, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to do this with Gerard for long. His grip on me tightened as the conversation began to flow through the kitchen.

“I can’t believe its tour day tomorrow!” Ray said happily as he slurped at the coffee.

“I know, it’s going to be insane! But I mean it this time, Ray please don’t snore on the bus!” Gerard pleaded, I couldn’t see his face but I knew what face his was pulling by the tone of his voice. Like I said me and Gerard spent a lot of time together.

“Yeah, remember when you couldn’t stop snoring while we were on the van? That was the most infuriating road trip ever!” Mikey joined in.

“Like you guys are any better! You all snore, why do I get stick for it!?”

“Because yours is the most annoying out of all of ours!” Frank chirped. “One minute it’s normal and then suddenly its sounds like you’re a cat that’s drowning in a violent and painful death.”

“Thanks for the detail.” Ray frowned in annoyance. We all laughed and continued our ways into a new conversation. I wasn’t quite sure what it was as I was completely consumed by Gerard and his essence around me. I thought he would have pushed me away by now, being a pain perhaps but maybe he was just as comfortable as I was? Of course he wasn’t…stupid Winona.

Don and Donna came home not too soon after everyone else did and as a farewell dinner, we all chipped in and ordered I think 6 pizza’s in the end up, the guys completely devouring it themselves as Mia and myself looked at them in complete and utter shock.

Later on, I was standing outside having a cigarette when Mia soon joined me, our arms linked as we tried to shield ourselves from the chilly air. It was January time so the heat was trying to find its way back to us. I wasn’t fussed at all, I was used to the cold and I preferred it but the others thought differently.

“So…” she said after a while.

“So what?”

“You and Gerard?” she smirked.

“Me and Gerard…what?”

“You so have a thing for one another!” she squealed.

“Oh we do not! We’re just friends.” I argued.

“That’s not what it looks like! Have you seen the way he looks at you? He’s totally falling for you!” she giggled again and I felt all the blood drain from my face. Falling for me?

“No he’s not.” I said seriously. “He doesn’t know anything about me, about my family, who I am. He only knows what music I like and that I like to draw. And that’s all he’s going to know.” I could feel the barriers begin to build themselves up again.

“Why? You two are perfect together. If you were vampires, you’d be with each other for thousands of years.” She continued. She didn’t seem to understand my drift. I loved Mia, she was becoming one of my best friends but she was like Frank…she didn’t understand me. No one did.

“Mia now you’re just being stupid-”

“No I’m not. He’s totally infatuated with you! When you hugged him earlier today he looked so happy and in love it was adorable!” I rolled my eyes wishing she’d just shut up.

“You totally like him back!” I blushed profusely and shook my head.

“I totally don’t.” I replied.

“Liar!” she said so loudly I’m sure the guys could now hear her.

“I’m not now please just shut up Mia!”

“You’re in denial.” She said quickly before getting up and running away laughing, knowing I would probably try and tackle her to be quiet. Yes, I liked Gerard a lot but I was not going to allow myself to be anymore to him than a good friend, a simple friend even. If Mia was telling the truth then I would have to cut off whatever’s going on between me and Gerard. It’s cruel really to carry on doing what we’re doing seeing as though I know my own fate.

It was then I heard Gerard’s voice shout back to Mia confused and little tipsy as we’d all had a little too many beers. He peaked his head around the corner but I refused to meet his gaze, pretending I hadn’t noticed him. Suddenly, he wrapped his arms around my waist and sat up on the step one higher than what I was sitting. I jumped a little as I slapped his arm, trying to wriggle out of his grip but he kept giggling.

“It’s not funny.” I muttered taking a swig of my beer.

“Not for you.” He said kissing my cheek but I flinched a little to his touch. “What’s wrong?” he asked a hint of worry in his voice.

“Nothing…just finishing my cigarette.” I replied as I began to stub out the butt.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m fine Gerard, don’t worry about me.” I said eventually pulling myself out of his grip and walking past him on the steps.

“Winona-” he called but I didn’t answer him; I just continued to walk further into the house until I reached the living to where everyone else was. Mia beamed at me when I walked and I gave her a weak smile in return. I sat on the other side of Frank; right on the end of the sofa so there was no way Gerard could sit near me, and he looked at me with raised eyebrows wondering if I was alright. I must have had such a sour look on my face. I nodded and smiled as I linked arms with him and we all continued to watch Bob and Ray battle against one another on whatever video game they were playing.

Gerard eventually walked back into the living room but I didn’t dare look at him as he sat on the opposite side of the room beside Mikey. I felt his eyes on me the entire time until I forced myself to go to bed, feeling uneasy with his gaze on me. I kissed Frank and Mia on the cheeks wishing them a good night but before I could leave, Mikey interrupted and complained.

“Where’s my kiss goodnight?” he asked pouting. I sighed, having to go near him; I’d have to walk past Gerard. As I leant over to kiss him on the cheek, he pulled me down on the sofa and began to tickle me, along with Ray and Bob joining in.

“STOP!” I screeched, reaching out for anything to pull me away. I was in pain as my gut began to ache from laughing but they wouldn’t stop until I started hit them back.

“Okay okay! We give!” Ray said laughing as he crawled away and helped me up. Again I walked past Gerard not really noticing him and shouted a goodnight into the kitchen to Don and Donna. As I made my way up the stairs I felt someone tug on my wrist, and I instantly knew whose warm touch it was. I turned and was met with a concerned Gerard, his eyebrows drawn together as he looked at me in confusion. His thumb gently stroked the skin that was under the sleeve touching my scars making me shiver.

“Have I done something wrong?” He asked sadly. I sighed feeling guilty but I was still so determined to keep our distance.

“Of course not.” I said. “I’m just tired.”

“Why are you heading up to the spare room, we norm-”

“I thought I’d give you your own bed tonight. You need the rest more than I do and I’m kinda
in the way in there.” I shrugged pulling my wrist back.

“No you’re no-”

“Goodnight Gerard.” I said quickly kissing him on the cheek and running up the stairs, hoping he wouldn’t try out and reach for me again. I locked the door on my way inside the guest room as I slid down the side of the door. Looking over at my bag that I bought in earlier as a stashing place, I was tempted to get my razors but…the thought of Gerard’s face stopped me.

What had I gotten myself into? It couldn’t be anything more than friends between me and Gerard after knowing each other a week, could it?

No it couldn’t. There isn’t a hope in hell. He doesn’t care about you. He pities you.

The voices began to taunt me as I curled up, bringing my knees into my chest and crying until I eventually passed out on the floor.

You’re making it up. Whatever nice thing Gerard says or does, you’re reading too much into it. He doesn’t care.

Notes

Remember this is purely a work of fiction and I've kinda merged two of their tours together around America for later to come. I'm not certain of their venues or who they were with really but it's just my imagination so yeah...
I'd love to hear what you guys think of it! And if it's worth carrying on! Take care!! <3