All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

I tossed and turned about in my sleep, trying to get comfortable pretty much all night and it frustrated me to no end after I’d eventually picked myself up off the floor. I couldn’t usually sleep but there was something about not being able to tonight that made it all the more maddening. It felt like my mind was going to explode with thoughts in which I had no idea what they were about. They would just flicker across my brain and disappear within the blink of an eye. It began to scare me a little.

Gerard was right about this room. It wasn’t comfortable, at all. The mattress was lumpy and too small. The walls were a dull grey, painted poorly, leaving marks of the paintbrush used with each stroke of paint. Gerard told me the room was always like this and seeing as though they didn’t have many guests to entertain, they never bothered doing much with it. The branches outside the window kept tapping and scraping against the glass making me think there so someone there; I had the urge to run back down to Gerard’s room but I thought against it.

I had pretty much heard everyone scatter to their own rooms at about 1 o’clock this morning and even hearing Frank and Mia next door doing…things. I definitely couldn’t sleep while they were doing that. I curled myself up in the blanket, burying me head into the pillow as I heard (and felt) the breeze circulating the room from the gap between the glass and the frame at the window. I’d hate to admit it but I missed Gerard’s room.

In my frustration I wanted, no, needed a cigarette badly but I wasn’t going to risk meeting Gerard down there. Normally at about this time we’d both be up, becoming cigarette buddies and linking arms outside trying to stay warm while we inhaled our cancer sticks. The night felt like it was never going to end.

“WAKE UP!” Frank shouted as he jumped on my bed profusely causing the mattress to creak and the springs to pop out of place.

“Shut up…” I moaned burying me head deeper into the pillow as I kicked at him, but he dodged each one.

“No! You need to get up now if you wanna shower before we go!” he persisted, poking me with his own foot.

“Go where?” I moaned, slowly peeling back the sheets and looking up to him in a complete daze.

“On TOUR YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” He laughed ripping the blankets off of me. Thank god I opted for long sleeves and pyjama bottoms otherwise I’d be in some serious shit with Frank. Slowly I was swirling out of my sleep and I felt myself suddenly grin, sitting up to join Frank as he pulled me up to jump on the bed with him. I felt like I was five years old again as we jumped in rhythm with one another.

“Ah we’re going on tour!” I screamed excitedly.

“I know!” I stopped bouncing after a while and smacked him hard on the arm, causing him to fall off the bed with a loud thump. He gripped his arm and cried out, glaring at me the whole time.

“What the hell was that for!?”

“Don’t call me a fucking idiot you Jerk.” I simply said, jumping down from the mattress and making me way to the shower to make myself somewhat presentable. I’d opted to wear my white David Bowie shirt and green jacket along with dark blue jeans. If I suddenly got to uncomfortable, I could easily change on the bus. I heard footsteps following me down the hall but I didn’t dare turn around unless it was Gerard.

Shit. I forgot what had happened with Gerard last night.

Mentally slapping myself in the face, I opened the door, sighing happily as it was empty and shut the door. I looked in the mirror and thought I looked just as awful as I did every day. Somehow I was hoping that tour day might have made me look that bit better. Just as I took my socks off I heard a knock on the bathroom door. “Yeah?” I called out and Frank suddenly poked his head around the corner.

“Frank I could’ve been naked!” I argued as he came all the way in and shut the door. He waved the idea away and sat down on the toilet, closing the lid as he did.

“I wanna talk quick.”

“Can’t it wait till after I’ve showered?”

“Just shower, I don’t want anyone to hear us.” I sighed in defeat and allowed him to stay. As he buried his head in his shirt, I continued to undress; making sure every now and then Frank hadn’t peaked. I knew he wouldn’t but I guess it was something I did automatically anyway. I turned the water on hot and I stepped in, feeling the trinkets of water run down my back, causing me to shiver in relief. I shut the curtain and called back out to Frank.

“Okay, shoot.” I said over the water.

“Are you okay?”

“Is that it Frank? Is that what was so important to talk about? Your interrupting shower time!” I laughed and he didn’t chuckle back. Something turned in my stomach. Did Gerard tell him something? Gerard was the only one I’d talked to about stuff…not deep stuff but you know stuff. I hate the word stuff now.

“What’s wrong Frank?”

“It’s just…I know how worried you’ve been about coming here. And I practically forced you to drop everything to come out here… You’ve been happy this past week, I know, I can see it when you’re with the guys and especially Gerard.” He sighed. “But I know you can hide things so easily, from me and everyone. Remember I’d known you a whole year before I found out you cut.” He said the last word quietly.

“Frank, we only saw each other like 3 or 4 times…and besides I had nothing to hold me back, like you said. My family doesn’t care, I didn’t have an important job and I had what, like 3 friends who never made time for me because I was normally too depressed to leave the flat…” I could just see him nodding his head.

“Yeah I know but I still couldn’t help but feel guilty that I didn’t know for ages after you told me. You basically became my bestfreind the moment I knocked you over and I didn’t know you were in that much pain! What kinda friend does that make me?”

“A good one because you were concerned even though I didn’t want you to be and besides…I am…I dunno I can’t say happy or better because I’m not there yet but I feel…okay for now Frank.” I tried to comfort as I washed the rest of my body wash off. I already knew I would never get there though but sometimes you have to lie to the people you care about for their own welfare.

“What if something went wrong and…”

“What Frank?”

“I dunno…look Win, sometimes your brain wonders into my head which is really annoying.” He laughed. “I’ve been around you too much.”

“Since when is it me trying to calm you down and not the other way round?” I laughed as well. It felt odd to comfort someone but it felt good. Frank was my bestfreind and before I was gone, I did want to try and make him understand that I had so little to live for…

“Your face was priceless when I knocked you over.” He reminisced.

“Frank.” I scorned as I continued to wash my hair.

“Sorry…I’m just worried I guess.”

“No need to worry.” He sighed.

“…Also last night you looked…I dunno conflicted? Did you and Gerard fight? Cause I went down to his room this morning expecting you to be there-”

“I just thought he’d need the space. He needs the rest more than I do and besides, I wanted to be alone with my thoughts I guess.” I stated. It was the truth but also a lie. I wanted to distance myself from him as much as possible but still be a friend to him…what was wrong with me. I might as well just end it now…being alone with my thoughts was pretty dangerous.

“Win…”

“Frank, don’t say it.”

“…Gerard’s pretty upset.” Oh shit, well that’s fantastic.

“He shouldn’t be. If it’s to do with me I mean.” I sighed washing the last of the bubbles off my body.

“He thinks he’s done something wrong Win, he drank a lot more than the rest of us last night and he started to talk.”

“What did he say?” I asked poking my head around the curtain in alarm. Frank sighed and held out his hands in reassurance.

“Well…he told me how much he liked you…we already knew that anyway.” He chuckled. “He also said that you being here has made him…better.” What on earth could I have done to make him better? Frank saw my confusion and continued. “Win, Gerard has…his own demons. That’s why I thought you’d guys would get on so well…he could understand you a little more than I ever could. Which is what I want. I want you guys to help each other but…if things go wrong, you guys could be lethal to one another.”

“Frank I don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“He likes you Winona…a lot. Be careful.”

“Frank…” I began to moan but he cut me off.

“He also told me he wanted to protect you from whatever demons you’re facing…he told me Win that you still…cut.” I paused feeling my heart race. I turned the shower off and said nothing, only hearing the silence of our breaths in the bathroom.

“I’m not mad Win if that’s what you’re thinking…” he said calmly. “I get it…you’re in a dark place and you have every right to get out whatever pain you’re feeling but hurting yourself I will not stand for.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about-”

“Jesus Winona he fucking told me! When Gerard’s drunk, he tells the truth and so do you. He told me that you pretty much told him everything…” What, no I hadn’t…

“He said you don’t remember because you were so fucked while he had to put you to bed. Why didn’t you talk to me? I’m your best friend.”

I sighed, trying to control the tears that were flowing but I couldn’t. I grabbed the towel that I’d hung up previously and wrapped it around myself in the shower trying to build up the courage to step out.

“Can you leave while I get dressed…please.” I said calmly. He was about to argue but I pleaded again. I was left alone in the bathroom and I dressed quickly, wanting to cover myself up, ashamed of myself mind and body. I can’t believe Gerard told him…I get it, he was drunk but that is not the point. I had no desire to get on the bus with them now. Maybe I shouldn’t.

I stepped out of the bathroom and instantly I bashed into someone. I looked up at them in panic as they gripped my shoulders, steadying me and staring at me deeply as if unlocking my soul to them.

“Are you okay Winona?” Gerard asked reaching up to touch my cheek. I nodded half pulling my face away from his touch.

“Peachy.” I answered, quickly; shooting a fake smile, which I knew he knew wasn’t real. Before he could say anything else, I ran back into the room where Frank was waiting. After a few moments of silence as I packed up the rest of my clothes, Frank eventually spoke.

“Don’t be mad at him.”

“Frank…” I sighed.

“Stop pushing him away.” I paused, holding my clothes tightly in my hand.

“Did everyone else hear that I cut?” I asked calmly turning to look at Frank. He slowly nodded and I replied. “Then I am going to be mad.”

“Come on Winnie.”

“Maybe I shouldn’t come-”

“Don’t say that! It took me long enough to persuade you to come!”

“I didn’t really have a choice did I? No one fucking cares anyway-”

“Winona no one cares that you did…that.” He said pointing to my wrist. “But we care about you. We all want to help.”

“I’m a lost cause Frank.”

“Don’t say that Win...Look, no one is judging you, especially Gerard-”

“Yes they are Frank! They always judge! Everyone constantly judges me and I can’t take it anymore!” I screamed gripping the side of my head in frustration as Frank stared at me completely taken back by my outburst.

“Win…” he said sadly as he stood from the bed.

“NO!” I screamed again, the tears burning my throat. The memories of the bullies came flooding back, the painful words they’d said, stating it would be better if I died, the look of disgust when the teachers made me take my jumper off during P.E…the hits they threw at me…I couldn’t stop crying. Again his eyes widened as he looked at me.

“Win…”

“No…” I cried as I fell slowly to the floor, my head in my hands. “I can’t do this Frank…” I cried again. “It’s too hard, I’m so alone…” I felt Frank’s arms grip tight as he sheltered me from the cold air that was rushing about the room.

“I’m here…Gerard’s here…I know Gerard doesn’t want you feeling this way…”

“How can you guys be here? Why do I still feel so empty? So alone?” I cried again as I held onto his shirt. “I can’t control it Frank…I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

EVERYTHING

“Nothing’s wrong with you Win.” My mind disagreed. It was quiet again as he rocked me back and forth and he finally asked. “Have you been taking your medication?”

“No.” I answered simply.

“Why, Win, they’re there to help you…” he said pulling away so he could examine me.

“I thought I didn’t need them. I felt better for not taking them. I was weak with them…I could barely do any art…I would just sit there in my own solitude…” I cried again.

“How long haven’t you been taking them?”

“6 months.” I sniffled.

“Have you got them with you?” I nodded. He pulled away from me and went to my suitcase and pulled out the tablets I hated so much, I felt hot tears well up and slid down my cheeks again but I was silent, like my voice had been lost.

He picked up the cold coffee on the side which I’m assuming was his as he passed them both over to me, a pill in one hand and the mug in the other. I didn’t like taking them either because I would take more than I needed which was a big problem also.

“No time like the present…” my hands were shaking as I went out to reach them, taking them from him and crying as I swallowed down the tablet. Frank took the mug from me and smiled, rubbing my back gently as I tried to calm my breaths again.

“One step at a time.” I turned to meet his gaze and wrapped my arms around his neck.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered.

“Don’t be. Come on, let’s get your things down stairs. The bus will be here soon.” I felt silly going downstairs as I’m sure everyone had heard my crying upstairs as Frank tried to calm me down. Frank took both my bags and went ahead of me as I folded my arms across my chest. When we reached the bottom of the stairs, I knew everyone was in the kitchen.

“Look.” Frank whispered. “I know you’re mad at Gerard but just go and hug him. I know he’s the only one that can make you feel better.” I wondered how Frank knew his. I raised my eyebrows and he chuckled. “I’ve been watching you guys all week. You both are better around one another…” I wiped away the last few remaining tears, knowing my eyes were red a puffy and my breaths short and difficult. I didn’t argue with Frank because, well, he didn’t let me.

He went ahead of me, entering the kitchen with a grin on his face like nothing had happened. Mia went up and kissed him, like they did all the time making me smile shyly at them. Mikey, Ray and Bob were all sitting at the table and they looked at me as I entered the kitchen, their faces sad and almost…apologetic? I looked further into the kitchen and just like the night we met, one week ago, Gerard was leaning against the counter, smoking his cigarette and watching me cautiously, almost as if he was in pain. He looked exhausted, like he hadn’t slept at all last night. I didn’t like it, I wanted to run away again but Donna was suddenly beside me, brushing away the few loose tears that had fallen. I looked at her in surprise and unlike the others; she smiled truthfully at me as she led me further into the kitchen.

“How long until the bus will be here?” Don asked pulling attention away from me.

“About half an hour.” Frank smiled trying to bring up the spirits of everyone.

“You guys should be dancing right now.” Donna chuckled as she sat beside her son at the
table, patting him on the back as she did.

“Oh I’m sure they will.” Mia replied.

“Especially Gerard with his sassiness on stage!” Frank continued. I glimpsed at Gerard momentarily and I noticed a slight smile creep out onto his lips as he looked down at his cigarette. A conversation broke out amongst the rest of them, their laughter suddenly filling the kitchen except Gerard and my own.

I took a deep breath and nodded slowly to myself before I moved myself closer to Gerard. Walking around the table, I hesitantly slipped in beside him; however he didn’t even look at me. He continued to stare at his cigarette as it lit slowly around us. I slowly took the cigarette out of his hand and brought it up to my lips, giving him a feeble smile as I did so when he eventually looked at me. I blew the smoke out as he watched me in confusion, obviously not entirely sure of what my intentions were. I sighed and stubbed the cigarette out. Frank was right, I needed a hug from Gerard if I were to ever feel better.

I turned around to him, my eyes not looked at his face, and I wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him close to me, just as I had yesterday afternoon, practically in this exact same position. He wasted no time in holding me back and I felt myself melt against his touch.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered to him. He shook his head.

“I know Frank told you-”

“I don’t want to talk about it…” I said burying my lips to his neck, then I was so tempted to kiss him. STOP.

What Gerard wasn’t aware of at the time, that that apology was something to foreshadow the future…I was sorry that if he ever got close to me, I would ruin him with my darkness.
We held onto one another, ignoring the voices around us until we heard a horn honking at us from outside. Frank and Mia screamed in excitement, running out of the door quickly, finding the massive bus parked outside on the street of the Way’s house. It was sheer black with the windows tinted slightly and big enough I’m sure to fit all us in and more. Gerard, not letting go of my hand, led us outside with our bags, and threw them down on the pavement as
everyone else hurried out behind us.

“Now you all be good.” Donna said, especially directing it at her sons. She kissed Mikey goodbye and held to him tightly before she made her move to Gerard. She held him tightly and whispered something in his ear, her gaze averting to my own and Gerard followed her stare. I felt completely bare. Gerard smiled back at his mother and nodded. She kissed his cheek and began making her way over to me.

“It’s been a pleasure meeting you Donna.” I said as she brought me in for a hug. “I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for me this past week.”

“Think nothing of it! I should be the one thanking you.” She answered stepping away from me slightly.

“Me?”

“You have saved my son.” She said simply.

“Donna-”

“Before you came, he barely smiled. He only doesn’t smile if you’re not there with him…make him smile for me.” she pleaded. “You mean so much to him and I know to the rest of us. And don’t think we don’t care.” She said sincerely.

“Donna, I didn’t-”

“I know we weren’t meant to hear but this house isn’t specially built you know.” She chuckled.

“Gerard’s face fell when he heard that…let him in. It’s hard-”

“BYE MAMA DONNA!” Frank raced to her and pulled her tightly into his arms. I felt myself blushing so much that I again folded my arms across my chest. I can’t believe Donna was giving me ‘relationship’ advice with her own son. I chuckled throwing the thought away as I gave Don one final hug.

The guys greeted the driver; apparently they knew him well and were only going to drive a certain amount of the way. He said he had to double check everything was working before we entered the bus but that was fine. Donna and Don left for work as we waited around and that gave us a chance to have a group hug for some reason and one last cigarette before getting on the bus. We were allowed them on the bus but we felt it necessary.

“You feeling any better?” Frank asked kissing my cheek. I nodded at him but didn’t say anything, knowing my voice would deceive me.

“Good…you’ll be yourself in no time.” Frank must surely know that this will always be who I am. Gerard and I were beside each other the entire. Not speaking to each other but to Frank and Ray who had come to join us in our little smoking area beside the bus. Gerard kept his hand around my waist as I rested my head against his chest and I felt as though I were in my own little paradise.

No one brought up the situation that morning because I knew it was just my fucked up being who decided to be annoying that day.

We eventually all ran inside, it was seriously massive. A small living room area with counter tops and a mini fridge (I know where my cider can go now). There was even a tiny little TV, attached some consoles and whatever any other gaming stuff there were. Places for their instruments were everywhere so they could of course practise during the day time. A small bathroom to the side and the bunks in the back were what I was most excited for. There was two sets on each side, two bunks per line and everyone raced for the top bunks. Frank, Mia, Mikey and Bob all managed to get the top leaving Ray, Gerard and myself on the bottom bunks. The bunks Gerard and I chose were opposite one another as I had a feeling some nights I would slide into his bunk if I couldn’t sleep. They even had little curtains to bring us to complete darkness if the lights were too bright for us on the bus.

I smiled knowing my little and most likely last adventure was about to begin.

Notes

So here's the next chapter and yeah...not entirely sure when I can update (that is if anyone really cares about the story). It could be tomorrow or next week...Take care <3