There was a single light that fell in the small corner of the black room and I heard nothing but wind circulating about me. I walked hesitantly to the place I was most drawn to, a murmur following me in my mind. As I approached the light, it extended upwards suddenly and formed itself into a candle that rested on a golden stand with red strands of ribbon trickling its way down. I reached out to touch it but my fingers went straight through. In the distance, I heard the sound of a heart monitor and a cry emit in the walls around me as the candle flickered out.

“It’s better this way.” A voice spoke behind me. I wasn’t startled but almost comforted as I turned and was met with a dark figure suddenly standing in front of an altar, their face unknown to me but their voice so familiar. They gently signalled their skeletal hand behind me. I turned to no longer be met with darkness. There, thousands of faceless figures stood amongst the pews, no emotion, no pain, they were just there. I blinked, just for a second and a dark oak coffin stood open in front of me, the lid facing me so the corpse was unknown. I walked slowly towards it, crimson coloured flowers resting upon an empty pillow, and I turned to the nameless figure at the altar in confusion.

I felt something pierce my chest and I looked down to be met with blood flowing out of my wrists that was dripping upon the black and white marbled floor. Everything blurred and I was in a daze as another impact hit my chest. Suddenly I was lying flat upon a cushioned ground, roses in my hands and a grand chandelier, each candle flickering upon it, right in my vision amongst a starry sky.

“Just sleep.” The voice spoke again and a lid shut angrily forcing a shriek to emit from my lungs but there was silence. Only darkness and silence…

I woke up with a start from the nightmare that had corrupted my mind the night before. Attempting to steady my breath which at this moment was near impossible, I sat up a little, bringing the covers closer to my chest, momentarily feeling my hands that were clammy and pale, clutch tightly to the covers. I glanced at my phone which read 8 o’clock and I sighed in frustration wishing I’d gotten more sleep than I had.

I ran fingers through my hair trying to tame the curled mane that I was certain was beginning to grow as I stretched, hearing my back click and I sighed in relief. Pushing myself out of the comfortable bed, I suddenly paused, completely unaware of where I was. I stumbled as I felt my eyes widen in panic. Where was I? Was I still dreaming? I instantly thought.

‘His fingers delicately followed the curve of each scar; some old, some new and he looked down sadly at them as he retraced every mark I had made. I felt uncomfortable as he stared at all my pains and all my weaknesses. I felt so exposed and so vulnerable all in one moment, and I felt the tears burn my eyes and threaten to spill.

Suddenly he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my hand, his lips lingering there for what felt like forever. I looked up at him shocked as he enclosed my hand in both of his…’

“It’s okay.” I whispered. Thoughts flew into my mind. Memories and events of what had happened to me continued to occur. Honestly I thought I was dead; you know the saying ‘your life flashes before your eyes’ but truthfully, it was just my mind trying to bring me up to date.

I sighed in relief remembering Gerard had let me sleep in his room last night for reasons I was still certainly unsure of but I continued my way about the room in hope of trying to find a mirror. As I did, I couldn’t help but shudder simply looking at myself. I had dark rings under my eyes, my skin pale, almost ghost like, and my hair, as suspected, a curly mess. Not only my hair but in general, I looked a mess.

I was worried at how Gerard would react to me this morning. Although last night he had acted as though he didn’t judge me when he found my cuts and scars but a lot can happen when someone is left to their own thoughts. I’m not saying he sat there and thought at me but perhaps it happened to cross his mind a few times. I almost didn’t want to be left alone with him again. Sighing in annoyance as I felt my nicotine craving begin, I made my way up the stairs in hope of finding coffee and cigarettes.

As I opened the door slowly, hoping to not waken anyone as I once more heard the snores from every inch of the house, I tip-toed past the living room to find Mikey and Ray in the exact same positons as they were last night and I couldn’t help but chuckle. Continuing my way to the kitchen I was again met with the man that I honestly hoped I wouldn’t be. Gerard sat at the table with a cup of coffee in hand and an exhausted expression on his face as he stared at nothing.

Hoping he wouldn’t notice me, I began to turn away but the floor board creaked beneath me, causing me to clutch on the door frame. His head shot up to meet my awkward positon. He broke into a wide grin as I shyly waved at him.

“Good morning,” he said standing up from his seat and sticking the kettle on. “Coffee?” I sighed in relief as I took the seat next to his on the small four seater table.

“You’re my saviour.” I said resting my face in my hands as I heard him chuckle.

“You seem like a coffee kinda girl. My kind of woman.” When he said that I could feel the blush slowing creep onto my cheeks as I tried to keep my face hidden from him, my fingers then began clutching at the end of my sleeves trying to search for some kind of comfort. He eventually brought over a red mug with the hot coffee allure beginning to tease my senses.

“Thank you.” I sighed as I took a slow sip.

“Anytime sugar.” My eyes flickered to his as I caught him watching me and it was his turn to turn away in embarrassment. He offered me a cigarette and I took it, quietly thanking him as he slid a lighter towards me after lighting his own.

“How on earth can they sleep for that long?” I asked, slightly jealous of their luck in sleeping.

“Frustrating isn’t it?” he responded blowing out the cigarette smoke. I nodded and smiled at him apologetically. I definitely knew how frustrating it was. “This is a common thing for me you know. While everyone sleeps, here I am wide awake and left to my own thoughts…well at least I have you to keep me company which is a hell of a lot better.” He chuckled.

“So I take it the sofa wasn’t comfortable?” he shot me a knowing look which I couldn’t help but laugh at.

“It would have been if Ray hadn’t kept kicking me. The bed wasn’t comfortable?”

“Oh no it was…I just couldn’t turn my mind off.” I shrugged, inhaling the smoke. I stared at Gerard watching his expressions as he was suddenly taken into his own separate thoughts. It was then I thought it best I mention the situation of last night.

“Gerard…about last night when you saw…you know…” I said momentarily touching my wrist. “I’d appreciate it if, if you didn’t tell anyone about it-”

“Why do you think I would tell someone?” he asked. He almost seemed hurt by my assumptions and my instant response was a shrug.

“I don’t know I mean…you’re friends with Frank-”

“Does he know?”

“Yes. Like you, he saw them accidently and he thinks that I’ve stopped now…” I lingered thinking of what to say next. “Please don’t tell him…I don’t want him to worry.”

“Well you’ve left me worrying.” He smiled sadly.

“Don’t worry about me.” No one ever does.

“You saying that won’t stop me…” I looked up and him and I could feel the burning sensation behind my eyes begin to threaten my composure. “And I don’t think I ever will.” After a thousand moments of silence, I sighed pushing the chair away from the table and Gerard looked at me in confusion.

“Come on.” I said resting the half lit cigarette in the ash tray.

“What?” he laughed in confusion.

“Would you please just stand up before I feel to awkward to do this.” I said reaching out my hand. He sighed taking it and standing up with me and turning his body in my direction.
It was then I threw my arms around his neck pulling him close to me as I felt his body heat radiate against my own. He seemed taken aback by my actions as he stood there awkwardly not touching me back. I was about to pull away but then his arms snaked themselves around my waist, bringing us together even closer than before and he sighed in relief. I felt at complete ease in his arms.

“Thank you.” I whispered against his neck.

“I’m always here.” He murmured into my hair. I began to cry and mentally slapped myself.

“You know, you keep crying in front of me and I can’t tell whether or not to take it as a compliment.” I laughed pulling away from him, as his arms still rested on my waist.

“Sorry.” I chuckled trying to hide my face.

“Never be sorry for showing me who you are.” He said brushing my tears away, his thumb gently stroking my cheeks in comfort.

“You know…you don’t have to be awkward anytime you want to hug me. Just throw your arms around me.” he said pulling me in for another hug. I laughed again and patted him on the back.

Suddenly I heard a throat clear from behind and both Gerard and I jumped away from one another. There my little Frank stood as he scratched the back of his head, a smirk playing on his lips.

“Please, if you guys are gonna have sex, just do it somewhere where we don’t eat.” He said waddling over to the table, picking up the remainder of my cigarette and relighting it.

“Frank!” Gerard moaned in protest as I blushed.

“Good morning to you to Frank.” I laughed as he came up to give me a one armed hug.

“Sleep good Wineroo?” he asked as he made his way over to the kettle.

“Yeah, just about.”

“Where did you sleep anyway? I looked into the spare room and saw the sheets hadn’t been slept in?”

“Oh well-”

“She slept in my bed.” Gerard said simply. Frank looked at me in surprise.

“So you guys already did the deed!”

“What!No!” The way Gerard said it made me think; of course he wouldn’t want to sleep with
me. Look at me, I’m disgusting. Ugh stupid brain.

“Why did she sleep in your bed?!”

“Because you know that spare room is uncomfortable and besides, I have a little more respect for women…more than some.”

“Excuse me!” Frank said, dramatically touching his chest. “I am a true gentleman! Unlike you, you must have kept her up all night in your ‘throws of passion’. She looks exhausted!” Frank continued to snicker and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes.

“Come on man.” Gerard said walking away from me and lighting another cigarette. He slapped Frank on the back of the head which Frank reciprocated to a thump in the stomach. Suddenly they were hitting each other profusely like children would in a playground.

“Morning.” Ray murmured from behind me, his afro sticking in all different direction. I smiled warmly at him as he put an arm around my shoulders. “What’s this argument about?” he asked pointing in the direction of the ‘children’.

“You know, I have no idea.” I shrugged. “You guys mind if I use the shower?”

“Go ahead.” Gerard said before getting in one final hit. “You can use the bathroom that’s attached to my room.” he smiled.

“SERIOUSLY!” Frank laughed. “Leave her alone!” I heard in the distance as I made my way back into Gerard’s room to use the shower.

I fumbled with my suitcase as I tumbled it down the stairs. I waited a moment thinking someone might’ve come down but it must have been quieter than I thought. I looked inside finding a towel and my shampoo, the one I had bought just before getting on the plane, and made my way into the bathroom. I would have killed to have had a bedroom like this one at my parent’s house. They barely let me have anything. Even the things my Granny used to send over to from Ireland I would barely be allowed to have. I never really knew why. My mother thought I couldn’t look after them properly so she gave them to my sister instead.

Finally once I’d stripped myself of all clothing, careful to avoid all contact with the mirror, I step into the warm water as relief took over my whole body, the dull ache disappearing from the back of my neck. I must have stayed in there forever seeing as though I heard a knock on the bathroom door.

“Winona?” Gerard said with concern. “You okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine, sorry lost track of time.” I shouted back.

“Oh okay, just thought I’d let you know Ma’s made some pancakes and if you’re not careful,
everyone will eat them.” he chuckled as I stepped out of the shower.

“I’ll be out in a minute.”

I dressed, putting on my blue jeans and oversized hoodie with my thick red fluffy socks,
feeling comfortable and protected in my slightly loose jeans. The thought of food however made me uncomfortable and I had no desire to eat. I opened the door revealing an empty bedroom, or so I thought. As I began to make the bed, I heard Gerard’s voice behind.

“You don’t have to do that.” He said as he stood on the steps.

“Are you perving on me Mr Way?” I asked in false astonishment. He laughed as he ushered me out of the room, his hand gently touching mine before we entered the kitchen full of bodies. We all spoke and ate the conversation being spoken really being over nothing.
We had no plans of what to do and Donna offered that Gerard and the guys show me around New Jersey, although there wasn’t much to see. They were happy to do and I obliged. As Frank put it – they would have complete control over me.

By about 2 o’clock, after lazing about the house awhile, we piled out of the Way’s residence and straight towards Gerard’s impala that I so much adored. Mikey called shotgun as Ray and Frank ran after him, pushing each other all trying to get the front seat. I laughed as I watched them and Gerard whispered in my ear.

“You okay?” I looked at him confused and nodded reassuringly. What did he think I’d done in that bathroom?

“Are you?”

“I’m great.”

Eventually Ray had pushed himself in front as Mikey and Frank sat in the back with me. As we drove around aimlessly, I watched Gerard from the review mirror, his hazel eyes watching
the road intently and sometimes flickering to my own. Eventually after feeling to obvious I looked outside my window, humming to the David Bowie song that was playing on the radio. Frank and Ray argued about god knows what as the rest of us laughed at Frank’s determination to be right.

“It’s true though!” he argued.

“Sure, okay Frank.” Gerard intervened as he pulled up to a park and Frank began to clap happily. He turned off the engine but before any of us got out, Gerard turned around in his seat and looked at Frank.

“Now Frank, don’t go too far, we don’t want you getting lost-” Before he could finish Mikey burst into laughter and Frank waved him off, pushing himself past me before I could even
open the door.

“Fuck you!” he said as he ran straight towards the slide. Mikey and Ray followed only this time separating away as they headed to the rusty old swing set. Gerard eventually caught up with me, keeping his body close to my own as we found a spot on the grass to watch from.

“It’s eerie here.” I murmured after a while of silence.

“Parents don’t bring their kids here anymore. It got a little too dangerous for a while.”

“So why on earth did you bring me here?” I asked laughing quietly.

“Don’t worry; I won’t let anything happen to you.” He said reassuringly wrapping an arm about my shoulders. Almost by instinct I rested my head on his shoulder suddenly feeling conscious of how this must have looked.

We sat there for an hour or so, eventually the others coming to join us. Soon enough we all made our way to the diner and I was overwhelmed by how much each individual had bought themselves. Frank looked at me disapprovingly as I only wanted a coffee but eventually he forced me to share his chips with him. It didn’t work seeing as though he’d eaten most of them anyway.

*** Gerard’s POV

We had one day left until we were going on tour and I truly could not wait. I loved being around her. I had known her for a week and I couldn’t get enough of her company. Frank had told me I’d adore her and he was right although I think he meant in a friendship kind of way. Although he jokes around exclaiming that me and Win are lovers, I’m not sure how he would react if we were. He was very protective of her and slowly, so was I. At his comments however, I can instantly see her hesitance in his jokes. She stiffens and blushes, awkwardly smiling trying to show she understands the humour but isn’t comfortable about it. I’d learnt to be like that with Frank and I’m sure Win knew how to as well. What made it awkward for me though is that I wouldn’t mind being near her like that…Oh shut up Gerard.

I wondered if I was too forward with her that night I met her. The night I saw that she’d…done that to herself. I knew that if I hadn’t then we wouldn’t have already been so close. It feels like I’ve known her forever and I can completely understand where she comes from in her logics. When everyone had gone to bed, normally Winona and I would be sitting on my bed, talking while drinking beers. I’d noticed she normally drank a lot more than me but at the time it didn’t faze me and I didn’t put two and two together.

She was beautiful. I could tell she definitely did not know it but she was. When she smiled, her eyes were sparkling, her cheeks high and pink and her laugh…such an infectious one, almost as if there was no grace to it. She was amazing…

She still hadn’t shown be any of her artwork no matter how persistent I was. I nearly had seen them last night when she really got wasted and fell asleep on me, making me have to sleep on the bed with her but sleep came to quickly to her mind. I wasn’t worried about it at all, I was comfortable around her and she had made me have one of the best night sleeps of my life. There was something about her that made my worries disappear and my mind settle…I just hope she’d let me help her and do the same thing for her.

Am I getting a head of myself?

Notes

Hey! Sorry if this chapter is bad, hope everyone who reads it, is enjoying it so far though! Take care :)