All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

We sat down scattered across the living, after we ate our Chinese, as the music playing in the kitchen with small conversation’s littered around me. Donna and Don had gone to bed seeing as though it was coming up to midnight but like everyone else sitting around me, we were wide awake. I’ve always been more awake at night and I never really understood that. It definitely had made my education more difficult, having to go into school while you’re tired every single day and on top of that on anti-depressants.

I was in love with these guys; they treated me like one of the family already even though I had known them 5 hours or so. I felt my confidence surge a little as the more I drank, the more I openly talked, every now and then getting up to hug everyone, except Gerard. Gerard kept to himself, every now and then disappearing from the living room and sometimes I had the urge to follow, my curiosity taking over.

I kept falling in and out of my dazes, being pulled back to reality by Mickey and Ray who were asking questions about me constantly. What music I liked, if I had heard their music, my favourite films, favourite place in the world and my life really however I didn’t tell them much about it. I could talk openly about everything except my life and who I was. They asked me about my family and I felt my eyes widen a little in panic to just think about them and then, the rejection taking over me again, making me feel worthless. Frank looked at me apologetically and was about to speak just as I cut in. Frank couldn’t always protect me.

“I don’t talk to them.” I shrugged pulling my knees tighter to my chest as I leant against the wall on the floor.

“Why?” They asked, the alcohol initiating conversation. I smiled softly at them and then at Frank.

“Just sort of drifted I suppose.” I said and Frank jumped in trying to pull the attention away from me. I took another sip of beer, the temptation to chug it down so vivid, but I didn’t want to look like an alcoholic the first time meeting these guys. I mean I’m not one but sometimes it just helps me sleep.

Gerard didn’t say much as he sat directly opposite me against the sofa. I could feel his eyes watch me as I spoke answering the guy’s questions while he sometimes initiated a response. I was mostly at ease around the other guys but thinking about Gerard put my stomach into knots as his stares became intense. This was embarrassing; I instantly thought it just must be the alcohol, well more or less I hoped it was making me feel this way.

I remember laughing though, a lot when the guys were telling me stories of how they met and what Frank was like during rehearsals. My cheeks hurt and it was a sensation I hadn’t felt in such a long time. It just made me think about everything.

After a while, Frank must have noticed my eyes beginning to flutter as soon as it hit 3 o’clock. I didn’t see him but I felt him shove his bony finger into my shoulder causing me to yelp. “Ouch!” I hissed at him while he smirked at me.

“You kinda half passed out.” He giggled while I turned to see Ray sleeping soundly on the sofa, Mikey curled up on the floor and Mia standing beside Frank.

“Oh.” I responded. “Where’s Gerard?” I asked without thinking. Gerard was constantly playing on my mind and it frustrated me but to this, I saw Frank’s eyes light up.

“Why, you in love with him already Win?” he said poking my sides as I shoved his hands out the way.

“No! I was just wondering!” I said trying to stand on my feet.

“He went to bed an hour ago when he put the blanket on you…we all kinda passed out.” I looked down and saw a purple coloured blanket curled up with my body, the same one Gerard had been holding on to all night. “Come on Win, let’s put you to bed!” he slurred trying to take my hand. I waved it away and smirked.

“No you guys go ahead, I’m gonna have a quick ciggie.” They both nodded and embraced me wishing me a goodnight as they went hand in hand to bed. I was happy for Frank. He was so happy I could see it all over his face, especially when he was around Mia. I put the blanket across Mikey and stood against the wall for a moment.

I didn’t even have a clue to where I was sleeping tonight. Sighing, I pushed myself away from the wall, reaching into my bag to find a cigarette and a lighter. I stood in the kitchen momentarily wondering whether or not I should light it here and I though against it. Even though I’d seen Gerard smoking and Frank, I just felt as though it wasn’t right for me to do it.
I tip-toed my way over and opened the back door slowly as it creaked eerily, placing one foot outside on the step, feeling the cold air attack me. Zipping my hoodie up further, I continued my way out, finding a seat on the concrete steps and my saviour as I pulled out the lighter and lit the cigarette, a sense of calmness shrouding my mind. I pulled my knees close to me as I watched the star filled sky above me. It made me wonder if when we died, did we become one of those stars in the sky? I hoped so…it just looked so peaceful, a complete opposite to what my chaotic mind was like.

“Can’t sleep?” I heard suddenly behind me, causing me to turn quickly, my back clicking in the process. I must have looked so stupid as my hair hit me in the face. The culprit was leaning against the door frame, a soft smile on his features and his dark hair unkempt and gently ruffling in the breeze. I smiled shyly at Gerard and shook my head.

“Neither can I.” he answered coming to join me on the steps. He left not space between us as his arm brushed against my own, sending tingles across my body.
“I didn’t wake you did I?” I asked as I offered him a cigarette. He smiled gratefully and shook his head.

“No, no.” He chuckled as he lit his own. “I’m just not much of a sleeper.”

“Neither am I.” I shrugged taking the lighter back, my fingers brushing against his soft skin. He turned to look up at the sky and I couldn’t help but stare as I took a slow, deep intake of my cigarette.

“Are you excited for the tour?” I asked. He nodded profusely still not meeting my gaze.

“Can’t wait.” He grinned. “How about you? Frank said he practically had to force you to come.”

“Force is a bit heavy.” I said joining his gaze up at the sky. “More of persuasion.”

“Ah, so you didn’t really want to meet us?” he smirked.

“Oh god no that’s not it!” I babbled suddenly. “It’s just I’m awful in social situations and I didn’t know if you’d guys would want me there seeing as though you know nothing about me and I can be a pain and god do I have issues-” I couldn’t help it, my mouth kept talking and I was trying to shut myself up before I would say something I regretted.

“Woah Winona, I was joking...I’m glad you came. Even though I still don’t know you so well…I’m glad to have met you.” I paused smiling down at my feet, thankful Gerard stopped me talking; thank god he didn’t pick up on the ‘issues’.

“I’m glad I met you to.” I’d never met someone like Gerard and although I didn’t know him well, I knew there was something special about him. He seemed delicate in nature but there was a burning passion somewhere deep in his soft hazel eyes.

Slowing turning his eyes to meet mine, he smiled again causing my stomach to flutter as I pushed my hair behind my ear. His eyes wandered to my wrists as I put my hands back on my knees. I looked down to see and my sleeve had rolled up slightly when I had brought my hand to hair.

“What are they?” he asked slowly just about to reach out to my wrist. I retreated it in a panic, cursing myself for being so careless as I stubbed out the half cigarette that I still had. Shit, I was doing well, I was almost pleased with myself for once but now he thinks I’m a freak and a loser, I can see it in his eyes.

“Oh, there nothing.” I said quickly, fumbling with my sleeves as I stood. “I…I um should go to bed.” But he grabbed my wrist before I could turn away from him, the contact burning my skin.

“Please don’t go yet. I like your company.” He said shyly but with all the confidence in the world. Gerard confused me and around him I was completely and utterly screwed. I shoved my hands back into my pockets and slowly sat down beside him, trying to keep a distant between us which was practically impossible.

“That was rude of me to ask.” He murmured apologetically as he leant against me a little, waiting for me to meet his gaze.

“It’s fine.” I shrugged as I watched the sky again. He must think I’m a freak, all the other kids who found out did. I shivered in disgust to myself and the memories that latched themselves onto me, most likely to never disappear.

Sighing he stubbed out his cigarette and reached out for my hand. He eagerly waited for me to take it and I eventually, hesitantly put my hand in his, and as I did, he gave it a gentle squeeze in relief. He rolled the sleeves up slowly, his eyes widening a little to how many scars and scratches were there. I felt so ashamed and I wanted to curl up instantly. But he did something that no one had ever done before.

His fingers delicately followed the curve of each scar; some old, some new and he looked down sadly at them as he retraced every mark I had made. I felt uncomfortable as he stared at all my pains and all my weaknesses. I felt so exposed and so vulnerable all in one moment, and I felt the tears burn my eyes and threaten to spill.

Suddenly he brought my hand up to his lips and kissed my hand, his lips lingering there for what felt like forever. I looked up at him shocked as he enclosed my hand in both of his.
“It’s okay-” he smiled reassuringly as he wiped away a few of the tears that had escaped me. I smiled painfully back at him and slowly shook my head. To me, the world is always going to be a crappy place that I’m just stuck in. I don’t think anyone could ever change that perception for me. He was about to continue, his brow furrowing towards me but I pulled my hand away from him, his eyes protesting.

“I should really probably go to bed.” I said not meeting his gaze. Feeling uncomfortable in the silence I asked him where I should sleep seeing as though Frank never told me.

“You can sleep in my room if you want? I’ll take the couch.” He answered. I shook my head but before I could protest he was already standing up offering his hand out to me.

“Gerard I couldn’t possibly…”

“Yes you can.” He said reaching down for my hand and entwining our fingers. I stood up and followed him inside the house, walking past the slight snores that were littered about the house, tip-toing hopefully not to wake any of them. Gerard smiled at me and spoke confidently.

“There pretty deep sleepers. The amount of times I’ve sneaked out of this place and never gotten caught is ridiculous.” I smiled back at him. He then took me to the door on the very end and told me to mind the steps as we headed to what I thought was the basement.

As we entered his room, it was shrouded in darkness but with the singular light that stood to the side of the room, I could see art slung everywhere on canvas’ and posters upon the wall. I smiled enthusiastically as I let go of his hand admiring each brush stroke and pen line Gerard had made with this work.

“This is incredible.” I whispered. “Did you do all these?” I asked turning to him as he fumbled with a few things.

“Yeah…” he answered shyly. “Frank tells me you’re an artist.”

“Not anywhere as good as this.” I said as I continued to stare.

“I’d happily be the judge of that.” He said comfortingly towards me. I didn’t look at me, hoping he didn’t think I was fishing for compliments. My work was really nothing special compared to this. He was amazing. I could see why Frank said I’d get along with Gerard the most. It was then that my eyes captured the faint glow of the comics that were sitting on the wooden shelves that were attached to the wall. I excitedly ran over to them and admired them in a way that must have made me look like a little child. I heard Gerard chuckle behind me.

“You like comics?”

“Definitely. I used to work in a comic book store where I would get some of them for free if they’d been on the shelf too long. It wasn’t a very popular shop.” I said skimming my fingers over the spines.

“You can read them if you want.” He said coming over to join me as he pulled out a Batman comic, flicking through the pages as we both admired the work. I sighed happily not even aware that I was leaning against Gerard, the top of my head hovering around the top of his lips. I cleared my throat and moved away slowly, once more brushing the canvas that was stacked up against the wall closet to the bed.

“Honestly, I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa…” I said pointing back up to the living room direction but he shook his head.

“No please, I want you to be comfortable.”

“But it’s your bed.”

“I’m sure you’d do the same for me.” I would but I wondered what made him so confident that I would.

“What makes you so confident that I would?” I asked. “You barely know me.” I said suddenly causing us to both look at each other awkwardly.

“I may know you more than you think.” He said sincerely as he walked slowly up to me. I felt my breath hitch and I stared directly into his eyes.

“Goodnight Winona.” He said, as his eyes traced from my eyes to my lips.

“Goodnight…” I muttered. And with that he was leaving, taking a pillow with him as he left. I stood there a little dumbfounded, not really sure of what to do. I wasn’t tired at all and really it was an excuse for me to get away from Gerard but now, I didn’t really want him to go. This is ridiculous, I knew him 8 hours. Come back to reality Winona! My brain screamed.

As I curled up in his bed, taking in the scent of Gerard, I smiled his smell comforting in a strange and bizarre way. I wondered what he meant when he said ‘I may know you more than you think’. That question and his eyes played on my mind until I finally surrendered to sleep.

Notes