All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

Taking my first step on American soil was scary as hell. It didn’t feel real to me that I was here and was about to go on tour with Frank and his band, again considering I hadn’t even met them yet I was panicking. Once I had collected my bag, I stood out front of the airport with a cigarette in hand, as I swayed with my headphones blaring, waiting in the cool New Jersey air for Frank to pick me up. I had said I could’ve easily gotten a taxi but he wouldn’t let me, he’d said it could be pretty dangerous around here at night and plus he wanted to hug the ‘shit’ out of me as he’d put it. Bless him.

I saw couples all around me, greeting one another with kisses and affectionate hugs which made me feel truly lonely I suppose. I would never get that. I had one boyfriend but he cheated on me with whom I thought was my friend at school because he’d said I was too stiff. I hadn’t slept with him because I wasn’t ready and I was embarrassed, he was the kind of guy who took the mick out of people like me, claiming people like that wanted attention. He never knew about me cutting because I didn’t want to tell him and I now never will. I hadn’t seen him in years. It was only a week after I had ended it with him had he started teasing me along
with all the other kids. I was an easy target apparently, well according to him.

Hearing a car screech suddenly behind me, I pulled out my headphones and turned to see the culprit. It was none other than Mr Frank Iero beaming at me from inside his car as he bustled about trying to open the door. Stubbing my cigarette out on the floor and grinning as he finally unlocked the door, we ran each other, the impact hitting my chest hard as he spun me around lazily. Even with his height he could pick me up pretty easily.

“Frank!”

“AH!” He screamed as he set me back down on my feet kissing my cheek. “I can’t believe you’re here bitch!”

“I know! And seriously why do you always call me that, you Jerk.”

“Cause.” Was his response as he continued to grin. “You look good! You dyed your hair darker!” he said pulling at a loose strand of hair. I nodded enthusiastically as I noticed a lip piercing shine under the street lamp.

“And you got another piercing!” I said pointing.

“Aha yeah, cool isn’t it? Shall we?” I laughed as he went to pick up my cases as he then led me towards the car. It was a black Chevy Impala that was parked awkwardly across the pavement, earning a few glares from other drivers trying to maneuverer around it. I was completely in love with it.

“Frank I love your car!” I exclaimed excitedly as I slid into the front seat, carefully shutting the door as I admired it.

“It’s not mine, it’s Gerard’s.” He said offering me a cigarette. “He doesn’t know I have it.” He smirked. I took the cigarette and squinted towards him.

“So why do you?”

“I needed something to pick you up in! And plus he would never have let me borrow it. He doesn’t trust me…I don’t trust me!” He said turning the engine on and instantly stalling the vehicle.

“Now I don’t trust you.”

As we sat in the car, we blared out ‘The Ramones’ singing and smoking just has we had done so many times in England when I had stolen my dad’s car to give a ‘tour’ for Frank, even though there was nothing to show.

He told me that everyone was excited about meeting me. I tried to put on a brave face but I was screaming inside, panicking constantly as I went through 5 cigarettes on the 45 minute drive to the Way’s resident. I kept re-spraying, not wanting to smell like cigarettes when I met them and Frank rolled his eyes.

“You know, you’re gonna get me in trouble cause Gerard will know for sure that I took his car.”

“Well serves you right.” I smirked. “You shouldn’t take what isn’t yours.”

“Oh look at Miss Morals!” he laughed flicking the cigarette out of the window and rolling it up before the light drops of rain began to attack the wind shield. I was silent for a while as Frank continued to sing erratically in the car as I contemplated how I would act in front of them. I was thinking of steps and how exactly to talk to them. Frank even mentioned that Gerard and Mikey’s parents will probably be there when I arrive…

“HEY! Stop freaking out!” he said grabbing my hand comfortingly and squeezing it gently in his own. “It’ll be fine, they’ll love you. Seriously.”

Easier said than done.

We pulled up in front of a house that looked welcoming enough. I could hear muffled music playing from the front of the house with bright lights blaring out of the open windows. Frank had already jumped out of the car before I had a chance to say anything. There was no turning back now; I had nothing to go back to. My life was now in America.

Sighing and stepping out of the car as he’d slammed the door shut with my bags already on the floor, he smiled enthusiastically at me. I made my way over to Frank as he picked up both bags, handing one my way.

“Come on.” He said linking arms with me, pulling me eagerly towards the front of the house.

“You know, maybe I should stay in a motel tonight or something? I don’t want to be a-”

“For the last time no! Winona, you’re living with me and that’s final and it will be the best time of your life…and anyway, it was your idea to come a week early! No backing out now…” He said slapping my arm playfully. I rolled my eyes as he continued to smirk. “You love me really.”

As he opened the door, I was overwhelmed by the smell of…Chinese? It smelt good too. Frank knew exactly what I was thinking and offered me an explanation.
“They ordered it for you, seeing as though I told you them it was one of your favourites.” he beamed. “HEY GUYS WE’RE HERE!” He screamed in the house, running ahead of me a little as he threw the suitcase on the floor. Turning around and taking in my surroundings, as I placed my own by the front door, I couldn’t help but notice that the way’s house was filled with pictures resting on shelves and hung up all across the crimson coloured walls. There were so many of two boys which I’m guessing were Mikey and Gerard and I must admit they looked pretty adorable. I admired the oak dressers and the roses that were planted in pots about me until I heard Frank behind me suddenly, causing me to jump in surprise.

“Winona!” Frank said gripping my wrist and pulling me towards the kitchen. I peaked in slowly to where so many figures stood and I thought I was going to pass out. “Guys, this is Winona, Winona, this is everyone!” In unison, they all turned around to look at me and I couldn’t help but think they were judging me, although there faces spoke differently.

Frank pushed me further in as I smiled sheepishly mouthing a ‘Hi’ to them all. Someone to my left appeared in front of me suddenly reaching his hand out in my direction with a slight grin plastered across his face. I recognised him from the pictures on the wall and I’m assuming this was Mikey (Frank had told me he wore glasses).

“Hey, I’m Mikey!” he said sweetly as I placed my hand in his.

“Hi nice to me meet you.” I muttered just loud enough for him to hear. He seemed to be pretty buzzed. It was when I noticed the beer can in his hand that I nodded to myself knowingly.

“And you, Frank hasn’t shut up about you coming in ages!” he laughed and I soon joined in.

“He was pretty persistent about it.” I answered as Frank continued to push me along to the
next guy who was standing behind Mikey.

“Hi I’m Ray!” he said happily pulling me into a hug suddenly causing a few giggles to erupt around me. He had an afro practically nearly the size of my head that was half falling into my mouth. I gently patted his back in surprise ‘reciprocating’ the hug when he suddenly pulled back.

“Sorry, it feels like I’ve known you forever.” He smiled shyly.

“It’s okay.” I laughed. “It’s great to finally meet you Ray.” And again before a conversation could even continue Frank pulled me along to a small, short woman with dark hair and dark eyes, a little like Mikey’s.

“You must be Mrs Way.” I said offering my hand as she instantly waved it away.

“Please, call me Donna!” she said kissing me on the cheek and pulling me in tightly, much more than Ray had done. “Mrs Way makes me sound old.” She pouted slightly. “Make no comments Frankie.” She warned pointing a finger towards him.

“Wasn’t going to!” he said putting his hands up in defence.

“Wow.” She whispered placing her hands on her hips as she looked me up and down. “You really are a beautiful girl, isn’t she boys? Although you need a bit more meat on these bones!” she said smiling again to me. I wasn’t offended which surprised me; I would normally take offense to easily to things, I was just blushing embarrassingly.

“Trust me; I’ve been trying to get her to eat for age’s mama Donna!” Frank said pushing me forward a little. I opened my mouth to greet the next man but he held up his hand.

“Please don’t call me Mr Way.” he chuckled. “I’m Don.”

“Nice to meet you Don.” I smiled shaking his hand eagerly. I was beginning to feel my nerves wear off and I was thankful that these people were so welcoming. A girl suddenly ran up to Frank and smothered him in kisses as he reciprocated the greeting in a way that I couldn’t help but stare at. This must be his girlfriend and I chuckled as we all suddenly became invisible to them.

“Stop it, I have to eat!” Mikey groaned earning a laugh from Ray as Frank lifted his middle finger towards him.

“Nice to meet you!” I waved towards Mia I think her name was.

“Oh I’m sorry! It’s probably not the first thing you want to see on an introduction.” She said shuffling away from Frank however his arms still wrapped around her waist.

“Mia.” She beamed.

“Winona.” I offered my hand and like Donna, she shrugged it away and pulled me into a tight hug with Frank still attached to her.

“You guys better not be like this on tour!” Ray said as he took a swig from his beer.

“Oh we plan to be.” Frank grinned. Everyone rolled their eyes including myself as I then felt another pair of eyes watch me from behind.

Turning suddenly, I hadn’t noticed the figure that was lurking behind everyone in the corner of the kitchen. He had one hand lent against the kitchen counter as he took a long drag from his cigarette staring back at me with bright Hazel eyes that suddenly brought all my nerves back.

“Oh yeah, that’s Gerard.” Frank smirked wiggling his eyebrows at me. Ah yes, Gerard. I turned back to Gerard feeling a hot flush creep across my cheeks and Gerard rolled his eyes at Frank. He half smiled putting out his hand eagerly waiting for me to take it.

“Nice to meet you.” He nodded as I took his hand.

“And you.” I answered. He was…well beautiful. His eyes bright and smouldering, his dark hair resting just above his shoulders and his mouth in a clear cut smile that slightly shifted to one side, I couldn’t stop looking although my brain was practically protesting towards me. We said nothing else but I didn’t feel overly awkward and I hoped he hadn’t either seeing as though we were still holding onto one another’s hand, this time his thumb gently rubbing on the back of my hand and I felt my body ignite. How could someone have such an effect on me when I hardly knew then? We stared at each other for what felt like forever until we heard someone clear their throat.

“So, Chinese?” I pulled my hand back quickly getting a chuckle from Gerard but he didn’t move away, instead he lifted a hand gawkily to the back of his neck as he gently rubbed it, his eyes still looking up to meet mine.

Remember what I told you…do not let yourself get attached to anyone…no one

Notes