All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

A few months ago I’d gotten a call from Frank, a little out of the blue seeing as though we’d already spoken at least five times that week and he’d never normally called me this much in one week. He had kept telling me in previous phone calls that there was something important he wanted to tell me but it would just have to wait so of course, my curiosity heightened, but he never revealed it, which irritated me badly. I sat in my ‘bedroom’ to my tiny attic sized apartment, well technically my bedroom was my kitchen and living room as well, due to the fact I barely made any money from my paintings or from working in the comic book store that I lived just around the corner from. But I liked it. It was home to me, much more of home than my parents’ house ever was.

I stared blankly at the white canvas in front of me, digging out a packet of ‘Marlboro’ and sliding the empty wine bottle away from me when my phone went off suddenly breaking the silence in the room with David Bowie’s ‘Heroes’ playing wildly about me. I scrambled to the other side of the room, slipping on the old floorboards as I went in my fluffy socks, eventually having to crawl my way over, picking the phone up cutting off Bowie’s voice.

“Why Hello Mr Iero.” I answered smiling, looking up at the clock on the wall. It was one o’clock in the morning but Frank knew I wouldn’t be asleep.

“Hey Win!” I could literally hear the smile in his voice. “You okay?”

“Same old…What’s up Frank, you haven’t set something on fire again have you?” I asked seriously trying to put my condescending voice on.

“No!” he argued and I laughed. “Look that happened once and I only called you in a momentary panic!”

“Like I could’ve done anything Frankie, I was in another country.” I laughed as I lit my cigarette.

“SO!?! Anyway bitch stop distracting me! This is an important phone call!” I could hear him strumming on his guitar when he talked to me and a few muffled laughter’s in the distance. Great, he was on speaker phone; he knew I hated that, the thought of other people hearing my voice while I was completely unaware of it scared the shit out of me! I was a bit of loser. (Bit is an understatement however)

“Frakeny Iero! Get me off speaker phone and watch your language.” I slurred ever so slightly, the effect of the wine and cigarettes hitting me finally! Hopefully it will be something to numb me this time. He groaned on the other end.

“I hate it when you call me that Assbutt! And anyway I have something to tell you!” he squealed.

“You’re not gonna make me wait another 5 phone calls until you tell me again are you?”

“Shut up and let me talk!” he said as I heard a beep signalling to me he had taken me off speaker. I sighed in relief and smiled as I went over to my stereo picking a bit of music to listen to. I decided to go with The Smiths ‘Asleep’. I loved the sincerity in Morrissey’s voice.

“Go ahead Frank.” He sighed dramatically down the end.

“Halle-fucking-luiah! Thank you!” He screamed causing me to tilt the phone away from my ear. “Now as I’m sure you’re aware there’s something I’ve needed to tell you but I haven’t because I can be…”

“A pain in the arse?” I offered.

“Yes. A pain in the- wait HEY! NO! I’ve just been waiting for the right moment!”

“Okay Frank.” I chuckled.

“ANYWAY bitch! THE BAND IS GOING ON TOUR! MY BAND IS GOING ON TOUR! WITH THE SECOND ALBUM” He screamed down the end of the phone.

“WAIT WHAT? Frank that’s fucking amazing!” I said as I joined his excitement. His band had already gone on tour once before and every day I made him call me and tell me how it was, and what he was feeling. I’d even forced him to send me links to his band’s music, helping me attempt to think how they’d sound live and they were pretty incredible…they’d saved me enough times from slipping just by listening to the lyrics. I’m sure I listened to them and nothing else for a whole week! I was never entirely certain who Frank was on tour with because sometimes he didn’t know himself but I was so proud of him.

“I know! I know.” I could just picture him now and all his eagerness as he clutches to his guitar pulling that weird shape with his mouth. “You haven’t even heard the best part of it yet!”

“What?!” I demanded putting out my cigarette. There was silence. “FRANK!” I screamed.

“Okay okay jeez!” he laughed. “Well…I WANT YOU TO COME WITH US!” This time I was silent.

“Win?! Winneroo are you there!?!” he sung.

“You…you want me to come with you?” I asked quietly a little dumbfounded.

“Of course I do! You’re my best bitch! And I think it’s time you get away from that hell hole you call home.” He said sarcastically however I knew he was completely right. I lived in a hell hole, one of the most dangerous parts of London, but when you have my thought process, you really don’t care unless you’ve got a roof over your head, not even that sometimes.
If I didn’t work in the comic book store, I’m sure I would be homeless. My parents didn’t want me back and I’m sure as hell neither of my siblings would let me live with them and their ‘families’. I was as good as dead to them. For the past two years I hadn’t gone to a single Christmas dinner or Easter holiday to see them because they hadn’t invited me. It was okay I suppose, at least I had Frank…but he was in America and I was in good ol’ Britain.

“Aren’t you excited?” He asked sadly all of a sudden, I must have been quieter a lot longer than I had intended.

“Frankeroo…”I sighed. “There is nothing I want more but…Christ I’m broke Frank, I can’t afford a plane ticket, I could if I didn’t eat!” Frank sighed and I could see him rolling his eyes. He knew I didn’t eat but spent money mainly on cigarettes and alcohol which I know, is a waste but again, I didn’t have the desire to eat and I didn’t really have much to live for, so
screw my health.

“Get a one way! Sell some paintings. Sell that apartment and move over here!”

“Frank do you even know what you’re asking me to do?!”

“Nothing really but to start YOUR LIFE! You always say it, that you haven’t got a life so come over to America and start living one with your best friend!” He continued, he would not let me say no.

“Frank, my job-”

“Look you know as well as I do that even if you quit your job you’d still be in the same position. The real money is from your paintings and you playing guitar on the streets! Look Win, I know you don’t want to hear this but…right I’m just gonna say it. Your life is crap and you’re letting yourself slip! Forget about your family because I’m the only big brother and best friend you need! They don’t care about you and they don’t deserve you! And your friend, Kate? Is that her name? Screw her! She always ditches you, even at her age. She’s a bitch and takes you for granted!”

“You’ve never even met her Frank!”

“BUT from what you’ve told me, she’s not that good of a friend…you can’t even hear how low you’re putting yourself because you think that’s the best you can get out of life.” I hated it when Frank started giving me these speeches. I knew he was right but I knew this is what I deserved because I was just a fuck up and a failure. From day one at school I learnt that.

“Winnie…I know you want to!” he said suddenly perking up. I was silent again…a change could be good. I could still drink and smoke in America and plus, Frank would be there to party with me and not some random people at the bar I happen to stumble across. I’d never had a one night stand but I’ve had guys try and force themselves on me because they’re that intoxicated they can’t see my face properly. If they could, I’m sure they’d steer clear. In fact…I’d never slept with anyone because no one would want to…for who I was and I didn’t blame them one bit. I sighed and he knew he was winning.

“Where would I even live Frank?”

“With me dumbnut! And on tour you’ll be on the tour bus with me and the guys, every now and then popping into motels and all…” That made me think, what about the band? I’d never even met them, they’d hate me I was sure of it! My anxiety started playing up and my brain worked itself up a little more than it should have. It’s because I drank alcohol while still being on my anti-depressants. I would feel that in the morning.

“BUT FRANK! The band, they don’t even know who I am. They won’t like me Frank, I’d make it awkward on tour and-”

“Winona SHUT THE FUCK UP! They’ll love you! They practically already know you, I talk about you all the time…hold on.” I heard him shuffling and opening the door and suddenly shouting in the distance. “Hey guys, would you give a shit if Winona came on tour with us!?”
he screamed.

“Just bring her already! I want to meet her!” A guy shouted back.
“I’m starting to think she’s a figment of your imagination Frank!” Another said. I then heard him sprint towards the phone as he jumped onto a sofa (I think) and laughed into the phone.

“Well Ray wants you to come and Mikey think’s I’m crazy!” He beamed. I knew of the band and like Frank, had told me everything about them. He said I would get along with ALL of them seeing as though they were apparently as fucked up as I was but I don’t think so. No one can be as much of a failure as I am.

“Frank…”

“Just say yes bitch! Since when have you cared about anything! LIVE WINONA, LIVE!” He said dramatically.

“Fine…”I sighed.

“Oh I’m sorry what was that?!” He squealed.

“YES I’LL COME!” I shouted down the phone.

“AHA YES! I can’t wait! This time you can travel instead of me and trust me…you will hate planes now because of it! Eugh there no room and we’ll be living together! OUR LIVES BEING ONE BIG PARTY…!” I laughed as he continued enthusiastically about how amazing me moving to America would be and perfect the tour would be and I’m sure he was right. I was just scared of new people; thinking about it now, I was moving to a completely new place… I’d have to rely entirely on Frank, I never rely on people anymore because they’d let me down so many times, well I know Frank wouldn’t but *shut up brain*

I had this feeling in my gut that they wouldn’t like me and normally I was right but maybe I was being dramatic. Annoyingly I knew I would have to sell the flat and try to sell a few more paintings if I wanted this…what made up my mind was that I was certain I was going to be homeless soon so I though why be homeless in London when you can be homeless in New Jersey! That’s where he told me to meet them a week before the tour actually began. I tried to convince him to let me come early so the guys could figure out if they liked me or not and Frank called me ridiculous and that it was the dumbest excuse he’d ever heard but let me.

So in the next three months, I had moved out, sold five paintings which gave me about just about under a thousand pounds which if I completely honest, was shocked about. Not a lot of people liked my paintings; they claimed they were too dark and depressing.
I packed two suitcases, I didn’t own a lot. Art supplies, clothes, make-up, bits of precious jewellery which I normally wore anyway, especially the sapphire earrings my grandmother had given me and well…that was it really. One of the suitcases pretty much consisted of art supplies. Frank told me to only bring essentials but my life was now entirely divided into two small suitcases which scared me a little but sent thrills through me. Like I said…I hated plans really.

I thought about it for a while and decided to call my parents and tell them where I was going, in case they wanted to get in contact with me, I knew they wouldn’t but I gave it a shot. I received a sharp voice from my mother basically telling me I was going nowhere in life and that I was making it worse for myself while my dad, although slightly kinder than my mother and also slightly drunk said “Go ahead fly to America!” thinking he was being supportive, but then I heard him whisper under his breath “no one will miss you here.” I hoped it was the drink but I couldn’t tell anymore which made me cry and cut hours after I’d gotten off the phone to them.

I was mad at myself for how weak I was seeing as though I would’ve been hugging my best friend within the next week or so and…I’d told him I didn’t cut anymore so I did all I could to refrain from new wounds so he wouldn’t notice. I’m sure he eventually would. I brought extra razors just in case I were to slip which was a bad idea seeing as though they made it all the more tempting if one ‘small’ thing were to happen.

But now I sit on the plane, the fact I hadn’t had a ciggie in 7 hours was beginning to get to me and my legs would not stop shaking because of it. Only half an hour left, then you would see Frank, it will be fine.

I caught a flight annoyingly in the middle of the day so I wouldn’t reach New Jersey until 8 o’clock at night and I’m sure Frank will force me to socialize. I know I should but nerves were getting the better half of me, if I even had one. Frank didn’t shut up about the fact I was going to meet everyone, his girlfriend; the band, and especially Gerard, the lead singer. He was especially excited about me meeting Gerard and I wasn’t sure why…again, he kept that a complete mystery to me.

Hearing above me the little ding to indicate landing and for seatbelts to be buckled, my stomach did somersaults as I gripped to the pencil in my hand, trying to focus on my doodling to take my mind off things. I hadn’t realised I’d doodled Gerard’s name until the woman beside me asked if it was my boyfriend.

That was odd, I hadn’t even met the guy and I was already doodling his name. Damn Frank for constantly talking about him. I knew of his voice and of his words which I admired so greatly but apart from that, I didn’t know much. Frank revealed the least information about him to me, I didn’t even have a clue what he looked like…*SHUT UP BRAIN* I forced myself there and then to say – do not get attached to anyone.

You know as well as I do that I won’t be here for long…well I didn’t want to be here. If I didn’t have Frank always calling and checking up on me, I would have ended it years ago. My mind was all over the place. I know I should be grateful to Frank and I will eternally be for putting up with me for all these years but I felt as though I was too far gone. The damage had been done.
Sighing as I began to pack up my sketchbook and pencils I thought, nodding at each one like a check list - I will land, get off the plane, grab suitcases, meet Frank, squeeze him to death, have a cigarette or a few on the way to Gerard’s house (that’s where everyone was staying) and then meet everyone. YOU WILL REMAIN CALM. One step at a time Winona…one step at a time.

Notes

So here's chapter 2! I would love to hear what you think of the story so far or even if it's worth continuing. Take care :3 And thanks to those who have read it !