“Can we talk?” he asked, it painfully obvious that he was as uncomfortable as I was right now.

“So now you want to talk?” I retorted, moving my gaze from him to the floor in front of me.

“What do you mean?”

“I tried talking to you earlier but you gave me the cold shoulder.” I shrugged taking a drag
from my cigarette.

“I thought you wanted space.” he argued, his voice rising slightly.

“How? I wanted to talk to you.”

“Wanted to talk to me?”

“I offered you a cigarette, that’s normally a code for let’s talk.”

“What?” he laughed.

“Don’t laugh at me Gerard.”

“I’m not. But since when did we go by that?”

“It was just something we did! If I wanted to talk to you, I’d have a cigarette and you’d join me.” There was a moment of silence between us before he spoke.

“I knew you didn’t Winona so I saved you the trouble of having to do so.” He continued taking a step towards me.

“Well thanks for that.” I said sarcastically. He breathed angrily, surely trying to calm himself.

“You’re infuriating.” He said between his teeth. “Besides, you’ve given me the cold shoulder a number of times already on this tour and it seems to work with you well enough so I thought I’d give it a try.”

“Give it a try?” I asked, slowly tilting my head to look at him. He nodded. “Give it a try for what?”

“I think you know.

“Wait, you’re pissed at me for not sleeping with you last night-?”

“Woah.” He said putting his hands up defensively. “That is not the reason I’m pissed! Don’t make me out to be the dick here.” he shouted.

“Well why else is there to be pissed off at me?!”

“Fuck Win…you just don’t get it!”

“Don’t get what?” I shouted back.

“Why can’t I do to get through to you?”

“Telling it to me straight would be good Gerard!”

“That’s the thing, you know exactly what the problem is but you are making yourself blind to it.” he said crouching beside me, not in comfort but because he was mad. I could literally see flames in his eyes.

“I see perfectly thank you very much.” I spat, trying to get up but he kept me in place.

“NO YOU DON’T!”

“Fuck off Gerard.” I said pushing at his shoulder and standing up, however he stayed in his place. “I’m going for a walk. I’m gonna say something I’ll regret if we stay the way we are.” I began to walk away but I heard his him speak again, causing me to turn around, with probably the death stare littered in my eyes.

“Winona please…”

“Just fucking tell me already so I can go to bed…” It was harsh to say I know, but I didn’t want to be fighting with Gerard anymore. I hated it.

“I…”

“What!”

“You are distancing yourself from me! I hate it! That’s what pisses me off. You’re so god damn afraid of any kind of affection and I…I don’t know what to do!” he threw his arms in the air, heightening the idea of his frustration.

“Gerard-” I took a step away but he followed me.

“I give you affection, I tell you I love you and you ignore me but then…when I try and move away from you, to give you distance, what you want, you get all pissy with me! I am torn! Winona what the hell do you want from me!” I stood there, unable to speak. My mouth hung open slightly, trying to form a coherent response but all there was were short breaths as I felt involuntary tears cascade down my face.

“What the hell do you want Winona…because right now, it seems you really don’t want me at all.” His voice cracked which caused me to cry…hard. I brought a hand to my lips, turning away from him, having to bend over to try and catch my breath.

“Do I mean anything to you?”

“You mean everything to me!” I shouted, taking a step away from him again, wanting to run but I ended up falling to my knees, unable to cope with this. How could I tell him that I needed to leave? I needed to run away. I was scared, I’ve never felt this way before and I didn’t know if it was good or bad. I was falling for him but now…I think I already have.

“Shit…” I heard him mutter. I could see out the corner of my eye that he was running his fingers through his hair but I didn’t want to look at him. I ached everywhere. I didn’t know what to do. He was right but I didn’t know what I wanted from him. If we were to be more than friends I’d always have this underlying feeling of guilt because he deserves better but on the other hand, if we stayed friends, I’d want him to hold me as much as possible in a way friends do not do. Gerard, without his knowledge was ruining me, making me far worse than I already was.

“Please don’t cry…” his voice croaked. Without even noticing, he’d found a space in front me on the floor, inches apart, and I could feel the heat radiating off his skin, the smell of his shampoo and deodorant, a comforting smell for me whenever I felt a body slide in beside me in my bunk. I felt so embarrassed, I was crying to the point I could barely see.

“Winona…talk to me.”

“I’m sorry.” I murmured.

“Winona…” he said, grabbing the back of my neck, and bringing our foreheads together, my head feeling heavy and taking complete advantage of the support he was giving.

“You have nothing to apologise for.”

“I have everything to apologise for Gerard. First off for even coming into your life-”

“Hey.” He said placing a finger under my chin making me look up to face him, his hazel eyes sparkling beneath the street lamps. “Don’t do that. Don’t even try and apologise for that. You have made me feel like living again and trust me Winona; I haven’t felt that way in a long time.”

“I wish you wouldn’t say that kinda stuff to me.”

“Why?”

“Because it will make it harder for me to leave.” I said simply, trying to pull away from him but he stared me down, hurt torn between anger and confusion.

“You’re…you’re leaving?”

“When the tour is over…I have to Gerard. I have a plan that I have to follow through with. I made a promise to myself-”

“Don’t.” I closed my eyes, trying to stop the rush of tears that were about to come.

“Don’t leave me.”

“But look at what I’ve done to you-”

“A lot of this is on me.” he said, brushing a stray hair away from my eyes, as I sniffled, continuing to stare at him. “Just don’t leave me.”

“You don’t know it now, but you’ll be happy when I go.”

“Do you love me Winona?”

“Gerard…”

“Do you?” he pressed on. “Because I love you and that means I’m going to protect you…if you’ll let me.”

“This…this is something I thought would never happen.” I said standing up, Gerard following closely, instantly bringing a hand to my cheek, his face inches apart from my own.

“What?”

“Someone saying they loved me.”

“I’m one of a kind.” He grinned, his cheek widening, his lips infectious causing me to smile with him. “There it is…”

“You don’t want me.”

“I think I do.” He said, running his fingers through my hair.

“Stop it.”

“What?”

“That look. The look you give when you’re about to kiss me.” I said putting my hand to his chest and playfully trying to push him away.

“I’m not giving you a look.” He laughed, bringing his hands to rest at my waist. I couldn’t resist, I brought my hands up around his shoulders and pulled him close to me to which he responded quickly too by burying his face into my shoulder. He sighed happily, placing a small kiss on my neck.

“Gerard…”

“Too tempting…” he muttered into my skin. We stood there a while, silence enveloping us, at moments, Gerard swaying us back and forth.

“You know…you’ve made me feel that way as well.”

“Like what?” he asked pulling back only slightly to look at me.

“You’ve made me want to live, even if it’s just for five minutes, it’s five minutes more than I have ever felt in such a long time.” I said looking away, feeling slightly embarrassed. I felt him edge himself closer to me, resting his head upon my shoulder while gripping tighter to my waist.

“What are we gonna do with ourselves Winona?”

“You’re gonna hate me for what I’m about to propose.” I answered resting my cheek on the side of his head.

“I could never hate you but please go on.”

“I can only give you friendship.”

“Winona…” he moaned but before he could continue, I pushed at his shoulders, making him look me straight in the eyes.

“That’s all I can give you.”

“Even after all that, you’re still rejecting me?” he laughed humourlessly.

“Gerard, I’m not rejecting you. I want you in my life…no matter how long it is…which I know is selfish-”

“Don’t you fucking dare say that.” All hints of humour before leaving his eyes.

“We’re going round in circles here Gerard…”

“You’re killing me…” he said looking away from.

“That’s exactly what I mean!” I exclaimed. I had a feeling we were going to shout again.

“That’s not what I meant! You realise you trying to push me away only makes me love you even more, right?”

“Argh!” I groaned, bringing my hands to my face, and screaming into them. I could only hear him laughing at me. “I’m so tired…”

“Look, we’ll stay friends okay? But you have to promise me no more awkward silences, no more cold shoulders, nothing like that because if you do…this conversation is going to happen again and again.” He said while trying to pry my hands away from my face.

“Ugh, fine BUT you have to promise to not kiss me ever again.” I said, finally bringing my hands away.

“What makes you think I’m going to kiss you, you’re obviously going to kiss me first-”

“Shut up.” I said pushing at his chest and walking straight past him, but not soon enough. I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist and bring me back to him, our bodies pushed up against one another.

“Hi bestie…”

“Seriously, I’m going to find you a girlfriend.”

“I’m looking at one.”

“Fuck off!” he laughed still holding me close. “No, I am going to be your wingman and I am going to get you a girlfriend before the tour is over.”

“Well good luck with that.” He said taking my hand and walking us back to the bus, picking up the bottle of cider before we descended up the steps.

---

Winona lay asleep on my chest as I on the other hand was wide awake, and staring at the top of the bunk, we’re she’d sellotaped one of my drawings. We’d sorted out whatever was going on for the most part but I felt empty. In her own way, without realising it, she’d rejected me and it hurt like hell. I appreciated it that she was still going to keep me in her life but I felt insignificant to her compared to Frank and the others.

I tried making out I was fine to her, I kept smiling, talking like we had in the first week of knowing each other but what I really wanted to do was scream.

It made me feel worthless; I knew she was only saying those things to get me off her back and most likely because she pitied me. I didn’t want a girlfriend who wasn’t Winona Winters but she didn’t want me. All the memories of the girls in my life were flooding back, only using me for the little game or bet that they and their friends had made. I felt disgusting, awful. Of course Winona wouldn’t want me, who would? Mikey looks at me most likely with disgust every time he sees a pill pop into my mouth and a swig of the drink which I had…once before abused which I was slowly slipping back into. Frank and the others give me pity eyes and there Winona was, pretty much shouting at me to fuck off. Maybe I should?

Maybe I should disappear? Live my life alone forever now? Asleep or dead.

Notes

Here it is! I hope it's okay guys <3