How could I have been so stupid? Why did I have to say that last night? I scared her off; she wouldn’t want to be in three feet of me now. I watched her throughout breakfast, her staring off into space, her eyes sparkling slightly as though tears were about to burst from them. She was distancing herself, I could sense it. I never said I’d wait forever for a girl but Winona was different. I needed her in my life but she didn’t see that she was so amazing. She could be hesitant because we’ve barely known each other a month but what’s time when I love the girl? She was lost, she was in a dark place and I wanted to pull her into the light with me. I wanted us to pull each other out of the darkness. I knew from the moment I met her that her smile would haunt me. I think about it when I sleep, I think of only her.

I am a complete nut job.

She is constantly in my mind. Even when I’m on stage with the guys, she is there. Every word sung is about her, for her and a hope for her and so many others that they are not alone. I had to talk to her.

When Frank pulled her away, after giving me a pleading look, I obliged when Mikey put his arm about my shoulders as we started walking towards the bus. I had a feeling Frank would get through to her. As I said, she probably never wanted to talk to me again. The thing is, I hadn’t said it first. She had said it to me in a drunken stupor when she crawled into my bunk one night. I didn’t stir but I was wide awake, she didn’t know it though. She didn’t try anything; she just laid her head on my chest and said ‘I love you Gerard Way’ and woke up as if nothing happened. I didn’t bring it up because I didn’t want to upset her but it seemed she generally didn’t remember and she might think I’m lying; besides she thought I was asleep. I don’t know what to do anymore. Her face makes me sane but now, this girl was going to be the death of me, I knew it. She was my best friend and the girl I had fallen for. I had to make her see sense, I had too.

But without a doubt I was hurt. Hurt that she felt as though she had to hide herself away from me. Maybe this was her way of rejecting me already?

We all clambered onto the bus, Mia looked at me apologetically but I didn’t want it. I didn’t want to be pitied so I only slightly smiled and waved my hand as if it was nothing. I put the cold coffee that was in my hand into the microwave to warm it up as the others already crowded themselves around the TV for guitar hero.

“What’s up with Winona?” Bob suddenly said his eyes glued to the screen.

“I dunno man. She’s been acting weird lately.”

“She’s a weird yet wonderful person.” Mikey said which I hate to admit made my blood boil a little. “Although, I’m worried about her.”

“Don’t be worried about her. Remember this is her first time on tour and on a bus full of stinky guys. Of course she’s gonna lose her colour for a bit.” Mia defended. “Besides, she’s hung-over.” To which they all laughed remembering how she looked this morning. I rolled my eyes thinking that she still looked heartbreakingly beautiful to me.

“She’s not used to the lifestyle we lead…”Mia continued, nodding her head.

“Lifestyle?” Ray laughed.

“Well yeah…she probably has never drunk so much in her life or smoked really before she came here.” Obviously Frankie hadn’t told Mia about Win’s life story before she came here. From the way she reacted about me telling Frankie that she still cut, she wanted to keep it on the down low. From how she’s been with me, it’s certainly not the first time she’s been out of her head. Besides, without her acknowledgement, she’s told me that she’s wanted to die so many times in her life, just like me. But the idea of her even wanting to hurt herself makes me so…I don’t even know. I feel hurt. No one should feel as though they have to cut their wrists-

“Hey Gee, you okay?” Mikey asked, causing them all to look at me, pulling me out of my mind
rant.

“Oh yeah, I’m great Mikes.” I said holding up my thumbs.

“You don’t seem okay.” said Ray.

“I’m cool guys, really. I’m just exhausted.”

“Aren’t we all?” Bob sighed, acknowledging the hefty schedule.

“Yeah…I mean our next show is tomorrow night so I don’t know if I should go out tonight. We have to travel again tomorrow anyway before making our way to warp; besides…I haven’t drawn for a while so I might just stay on the bus and have a quiet night.”

“Oh you can keep Winona company then!” Mia said happily. I knew what she was doing, what both her and Frank were doing which surely made Winona want to retreat from me more. I didn’t want to pressure her; I loved her that was out there now. It’s just up to me to show her how much I do.

“Wait, Win’s not coming out tonight?” Mikey pouted.

“I dunno, she said something about it when I woke her up this morning but you saw her this morning. She’s wrecked. I think she’s still drunk if I’m honest. Every time I turned to look at her, she was chugging down a new drink last night.”

“Wait, Gee and Win have to come out tonight!” Ray said.

“Why?” I laughed.

“Because…because you do!” he said slamming his hand on the table to which Bob’s random cupcake was sitting. It was obliterated by Ray’s fingers.

“Come on man!” Bob whined sadly, causing the rest of them to chuckle.

“Okay, you guys have to come out now. It will make Bob’s day 10 times better than a cupcake ever could!” Mia said, laughing the most as Bob’s pained expression.

“That’s what you think.” Bob muttered.

“Well, best cure for a hangover is to drink.” Ray shrugged while strumming away, half licking the frosting off his fingers.

Just before anyone could continue the conversation, we heard the door open and Winona and Frank appeared smiling as though no one knew that their conversation was a serious one. I could see the pain in her eyes, the faint tear marks on her cheek. She was lying to herself by smiling. I turned away from her before she could look at me, all my concentration on the coffee. I couldn’t face her yet, I couldn’t handle being rejected by her.

---

We made our way back to the bus, acting as though nothing serious had happened in our conversation. Of course my cheeks were slightly tear stained and we had pained expressions but we entered the bus with the brightest smiles we could conjure to make sure there were no assumptions. I found them just as I had this morning, lounging around in the seating area, watching Ray and Bob on guitar hero. Gerard leant against the counter, waiting for his coffee to warm up, while Mikey sat on the sofa with his beanie over his eyes. Mia on the other hand ran straight over to Frank with a confused expression on her face and in return Frank took her hand and led her over to the bunks, most likely to talk about what had happened.
Hopefully Frank would spare her the details of my admittance to pills or anything about me. I loved Mia but I couldn’t deal with being judged. I hadn’t meant to tell Frank, it just kind of slipped out when I was making the point that I was no good for Gerard. I think deep down, perhaps Frank knew that and if everyone else knew, they would agree.

I watched Gerard but this time, he didn’t seem to face me. I sighed deciphering whether or not to talk to Gerard now or sit beside Mikey but it seems someone chose for me.

“Come on, take a seat!” Mikey murmured beneath his beanie, lifting it only slightly so one eye could see who was standing in the door way. I smiled making my way over to plonk beside him. I put my head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around mine. I didn’t mean to but to this, I instantly looked at Gerard. I saw his knuckles were white from gripping the handle much too tightly, causing it to slam hard once he’d retrieved his coffee.

“Hey Gee we know you’re excited about the coffee but could you try and not break the microwave!” Ray laughed.

“Too much has been broken today.” Mikey said, placing a hand over his heart.

“What?” I asked inching my head so I could see Mikey’s face.

“Bob’s heart.” he continued, wiping a fake tear away.

“Shut up.” Bob said without turning his head away from the screen.

“I don’t even wanna ask.”

“Speaking of this, are you coming out later?” Bob asked.

“I don’t know what that has to do with me going out later…”I laughed slightly but continued. “…but I dunno.” I shrugged.

“Don’t be a party pooper! Gee’s already staying in!”

“I said maybe.” Gerard spoke finally, his clear, soothing voice causing my heart to flutter. Damn it. I noticed then that he was sat as far away from me as possible, well as far as the bus would let him. If I leant forward I could probably touch him. We all sat there a while, small conversations flittered about before Mikey made the statement.

“I’m gonna go for a nap.” Mikey said patting the side of my head before getting up. “You can take my space Gee.” he waved towards the sofa before making his way towards the bunks however Gerard didn’t move. That hurt. I didn’t know why it did but he wouldn’t even look at me. Bob and Ray were glued to the screen, laughing between each other as they played. I shuffled in my space before leaning forward ever so slightly towards him.

“You okay Gerard?” I ask, trying to decide if I should put a hand on his shoulder. He took a sip of his coffee and nodded.

“I’m fine.” Lie. I could see straight through.

“Oh okay…”

“You sound disappointed.” He continued still staring at the screen.

“No, not at all…”I began to stammer. Why was he acting like this? Sure, fine, he could be pissed at me for not sleeping with him or being a little awkward this morning but for fuck sake
I was making an effort!

“Did you…did you wanna go for a cigarette?”

“I’m fine here thanks.” He said. That was odd. Even if he’d just stubbed one out and I was going for one, he’d always come with me, usually sharing my cigarette…had I really lost Gee as a friend like I predicted or was my mind going into over drive.

“Look Gerard-” I began but Mia came in, walking right in front of me and plonking beside me where Mikey had just been sitting. Gerard looked at her, a little annoyed but she smiled innocently at him.

“Did I disturb the lovers?-”

“No.” Gerard sighed. He’d said it so simply, almost as if he really didn’t want anything to do with me. I bit my tongue, holding back the tears as much as possible.

“Woah!” she said holding up her hands. “Someone obviously hasn’t had enough coffee this morning.”

“No matter how much coffee you put in this man, he’ll never be satisfied.” Frank said slapping him on the back, giving me a cheeky grin before he sat on my lap.

“God! Get off me!” I huffed, pushing him off me and onto Mia’s lap. I scooted away from them just as they began kissing, then eventually deciding to head over to the bunks to sketch and nap, preparing myself for my own drinking for tonight. I took Gerard’s hoodie off and lay it gently on his bunk. He probably wanted it back.

---

We all sat there and meandered around the bus for a good 6 hours before the others started getting ready for tonight. I’d decided I wasn’t going out, having already bought a few bottles of cider for myself tonight and a hefty bunch of cigarettes. The driver had told the guys to not be out too late, seeing as though we were making a nine o’clock start tomorrow but knowing them, they’d just sleep through the journey. I could hear all the guys bumping around as they were getting ready but instead Frank slid in my nest, re-shutting the curtain once he’d lain down beside me.

“You sure you’re not coming out tonight?” he asked.

“Certain…besides I feel as though I could sleep forever.” I wish.

“Well remember we’re at the same bar as we were last night so if you change my mind, give me a call and I’ll come meet you half way.”

“Thanks Frankie, but I’m good here.” There was a pause before he started talking.

“Don’t become a recluse from us though.”

“God Frank, I’m just not going out for a night!”

“I found the ciders.”

“And…”

“Don’t decide to drive the bus drunk is all I’m saying! I know from past experiences that it is very bad indeed!” I laughed hitting chest.

“Shut up Frankeny.”

“Love you too Wineroo.”

“Hey, have you talked to Gerard yet?” he whispered, hoping no one would hear us.

“I tried but he gave me the cold shoulder earlier-”

“Come on Frank, we’re all waiting for you!” Speak of the devil. He decided to go out obviously because I was staying in. If I’m honest, I was pissed at him so it didn’t bother me one bit.

“I’M COMING!” Shouted Frank, causing me to cover my ears.

“Do it soon!” he said quickly before giving me a peck on the cheek and scrambled out of the bunk. They all shouted goodbye before heading out of the bus giving me some peace from this whirlwind, brain disaster of a day.

I sat there, I drew, I opened a bottle of cider and realised that after half an hour I was ready for a cigarette. Grabbing my bottle, lighter and Marlborough’s, I wandered out off the bus, and slowly slid down it, finding a somewhat comfortable space on the cement by the side. I could feel my body relax once I inhaled slowly and exhaled through my nose, the smoke lingering around me head. I hadn’t noticed that there was someone standing a few feet away from me before they spoke.

“You know I gave you that hoodie to keep.” Gerard said, his figure lurking in the light, causing shadows to dance across his face, harsh shades right across his cheek bones.

“I thought you would want it back.” He sighed, shoving his hands in his pockets before looking up at me again.

“Can we talk?”

Notes