All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

Where we ate breakfast that morning was quaint however undeniably noisy, making me want to rip my hair out from frustration. However that wasn’t the only frustrating thing. Sitting in the café (or whatever it was) was awkward as hell for me. No one else could see it which I found helpful but Gerard wouldn’t stop looking at me. I could feel my face burn because of his stare and also because of the hangover. This situation was painful. I just wanted to scream at him, demandingly to know why he had the need to stare. I was and still am never good when it comes to attention, even the littlest of things can make me want to murder someone. How could I have let last night happen? I groaned inwardly at my stupidity and Gerard’s for allowing anything to happen. I was mad at him last night for ignoring me momentarily at the bar but now his attention was entirely on me, I hated it. Sure, we didn’t have sex but we were so close to it until he said those three little worlds – ‘I Love You’. It was the alcohol…It must have been the alcohol.

“Last night was epic!” Mikey exclaimed as he stole a sausage off Ray’s plate.

“Hell yeah!” said Frank.

“I’d say but I can’t say the same for Win here.” Bob replied throwing a napkin at me, pulling me out of my semi daze.

“Oh god yeah! It looked like she’d been hit by a bus, like twice!” Ray laughed, causing Mia to follow, patting my back.

“You’re mean.” I glared.

“Oh come on! Gerard! Did you see her this morning? She looked dead…”

I knew he meant nothing by it but that’s how I felt. Dead inside, exhausted, pained, hurt, and just…extremely tired of life. It was a little better when I was around Gerard because he helped me forget the pain but now I wasn’t so sure.

“She didn’t look so bad.” Gerard replied sincerely with a shrug of his shoulders causing me to look up at his face from across the table. His eyes were directly on me, not flickering to anyone else’s, not even ashamed for people to see him staring at me as though I were the only person there. He brought his elbows to the table, leaning forward slightly as though he were about to say something but Mia cleared her throat.

“You’re just being nice. She looked awful!” she said hitting my back again, causing my gaze to move from him to the table.

“Be careful or I’ll throw up on you.” I croaked, sipping at my pure black coffee. They laughed but I wasn’t joking. I thought I was going to vomit again.

I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to clear my head from whatever was happening, that was until Mia kept pestering me. I didn’t eat which was planned but Mia tried shoving a piece of bacon in my mouth every second she could.

“Come on Winona, we need to build up our strength for the bar later!” she argued to which the guys agreed.

“Hopefully you won’t look as bad tomorrow!” It was already planned that we were going out again tonight but I don’t know if I felt up for it. Maybe if I buy some alcohol from the shop down the road, I can have my only little party in the bus and I mean, on my own. There will not be a repeat of what happened last night.

I noticed Frank wouldn’t stop looking between Gerard and me; of course he had to of known something was up when he found Gerard topless on the floor last night and now our awkward glances at one another. When everyone was beginning to finish and pay for their breakfasts, Frank gently touched my arm and whispered beneath his breath.

“We need to talk.”

We walked out of the café with a lingering Gerard behind me however Frank managed to pull us away from the others just as Mikey began talking to Gerard, perhaps to distract him of some sort? Frank linked his arms with me before offering me a cigarette and we began walking at a slow and steady pace in which seemed like a million miles from the others.

“You gonna tell me what’s up?” he eventually said after moments of silence.

“Nothing’s up Frank.” I replied averting my eyes from his.

“I know you. Tell me.”

“God! I wish everyone would stop saying that.” I said through my gritted teeth.

“Saying what?”

“I know you.” I mimicked as he started laughing. “Is it too much to ask for peace?”

“You’re being dramatic now and this attitude you got I know really isn’t meant for me.” I said nothing. I knew what he was talking about, more like who he was talking about. I wish I wasn’t but I was extremely mad at Gerard and I knew for no good reason. I’d known him for like 3 weeks but he claims to know me too well, maybe he does but I just don’t want to see it. I knew coming on tour would be a mistake in the end. I thought I could simply enjoy the music, get high, drink and then say goodbye when it was all over.

“Win?”

“I’m okay Frank.”

“No you’re not.” He sighed. I was about to argue but he continued. “Are you gonna tell me what happened between you and Gerard?” I stopped suddenly to the sound of his name as Frank turned to give me a twisted smile. “It’s obvious…”

“Nothing happened.” I rushed which caused him to laugh again.

“Oh please, lover boy couldn’t stop looking at you all morning. He looked worried as fuck half the time. What the hell did you say to him last night?”

“I said nothing.” I turned around to walk over to the curb, knowing we were closer to the bus and I didn’t want to see him. After a minute or so, Frank came and sat beside me, linking his arm with my own again.

“What did he say to you then?” I could feel Frank staring at me as I began to pick at the red nail varnish.

“It’s nothing Frank…”

“I’ll go ask him then-” he began as he unlinked his arm from my own.

“NO!” I shouted as I gripped his arm, pulling him back to sit down again. He smiled childishly as he waved his arm for me to ‘proceed’.

“Do I have to tell you?” I muttered.

“If you don’t want me to ask Gerard then yes.” He smiled.

“You’re evil…”

“I know but you love me.”

“Yeah…” I sighed, resting my head on his shoulder.

“Joking aside, you can tell me anything. I don’t want you to bottle it up.”

“I don’t…I normally talk to Gerard-”

“You’re not gonna talk to him about what happened between you two though are you?” I looked at him sheepishly and he nodded. “Exactly.”

“I don’t know what to do Frank.”

“What do you mean?”

“Gerard’s making a mistake…he just doesn’t see it.” His body tensed before he shook me slightly.

“Tell me what’s going on.” He whined.

“He…he said…god…he said he loved me.” there was silence between us. I could feel the chill attacking me as I tightened the hoodie around me, which I only noticed to be Gerard’s just then.

“He only just told you?” he asked with a smile in his voice.

“What are you talking about Frank.” I abruptly pulled my head of his shoulder to see him smile brightly.

“Come on Win, you had to have known that he was head over heels for you. Mia said she’d always try and point it out to you but you ignored it. Here…he always wants to be with you, he’s happier now you’re on the tour, it doesn’t stop talking about you when you’re not here, you stay up talking for hours, he says he wants to protect you from everything…hell he even called you beautiful as fuck when we first got drunk on tour.”

“He just pities me-”

“You’re lying to yourself Wineroo. You just don’t think you’re good enough to be loved.” I didn’t want to carry this on, I knew I was one to panic when conversations get serious and I hate it when Frank tried to give me the ‘best friend advice’ so instead of answering I just laughed.

“Winona?” he asked.

“Oh god, you know how to make me laugh.” I said through giggles, patting his back.

“I’m serious Winona.” He said holding onto my wrist tightly but obviously not so tight that it would cause me pain. “You mean the world to him. He just hasn’t told you because he doesn’t want to be rejected…again.”

“Frank…”

“Look I’m not saying you have to commit to him or anything but be there for him.” he paused.

“I said that to him! For him to be my friend but…I don’t think we can ever be friends. I feel sick to my stomach when I see him, not in the bad way but…I dunno.”

“Butterflies.” Frank interjected.

“What?”

“Butterflies…it’s what I get when I see Mia. It’s also what I used to get with my high school sweetheart Jamia…hey, remember I said you and Gee would get along most?”

“Yeah…” I said encouraging him to continue.

“It’s because you understand each other. The only reason you’re talking to me right now and not him is because you know whatever he says is right. I know he’ll say you have feelings for him too because…well you do and that scares you. We all see how you look at each other Winona…stop punishing yourself. You are worth loving. You and Gee are my best friends and I love you guys. I’d take a bullet for you. Can’t you see that the guys love you? Obviously that Gee loves you-”

“Frank, I’m a fuck up.”

“No, Win-”

“You told me that Gerard and I are lethal to each other. I drink excessively, I take the odd pill here and there, I’ve…I…I’ve hurt myself, I’m on anti-depressants, I smoke, I’ve done coke…seriously Frank, he doesn’t need that-”

“EVERYONE CAN BE LETHAL!” He exclaimed, annoyance obviously taking it’s toll. “Are you still cutting?” I shrugged my shoulders in response.

“About two, three weeks or so.” He sighed; seeming relieved by my answer.

“…Besides, being on anti-depressants doesn’t make you a fuck up. It means you’re strong, that you’re facing a problem head on.” I scoffed.

“You make me sound as though I’m special-”

“It’s because you are special Winona…how has it taken me so long to see you’re still hurting?”

“Oh come on Frank, don’t do that…” I said as he buried his face into his hands.

“I’m the fuck up-”

“No. You are not a fuck up at all Frank. This is my problem and I have to do something about it…with or without Gerard’s help or help from any of you…just give me time Frank, please.” I continued wrapping my arms around him. He nodded slowly, leaning into me slightly, sighing deeply.

“You still have to talk to him.”

“I will.”

“And be nice to him Win.”

“Scouts honour.” We sat there for a while, quiet, only hearing the distant music being played on the bus and their laughter booming out of the windows. I was trying to hear Gee’s laugh but I couldn’t, it wasn’t there.

“I didn’t know you’d done coke.” He said after a while, looking up at me with an astonished look. I laughed, pinching his cheek.

“I was rebelling and needed a pick me up from time to time.”

“Is that what the pills are for?” I shrugged again.

“Fuck…you and Gerard are more alike than I thought.”

Notes

Hey! Sorry if it's terrible! I promise more Win and Gee in the next chapter, if not the one after. I think though the lack of them seen together outlines the frustration Win's feeling about herself and her thoughts of the situation.
Hope you guys are okay!! <3