We were kissing. Gerard was kissing me and I did nothing to stop it. I couldn’t stop it. It felt so…right? He was passionate with his lips, causing me to crumble beneath his touch. He was drunk, evidently so was I and it hit me that he must only be doing this for that reason. There was no way he could have held affection to me more than a friend would when sober. Maybe he doesn’t realise it’s me? I was me.

Shut up

My fingers ran through his hair as he settled himself between my legs more comfortably, his hands roaming my body and caressing any bare skin, sending shivers down my spine. He moaned when I tugged at his hair, I sighed when his lips caressed my neck and my brain was screaming at me to stop. I couldn’t. Gerard had a hold on me, one I wondered if I’d ever be able to escape from.

He pulled away momentarily, resting his hands on either side of my head on the ground and simply stared at me, wonder filling his gaze. Maybe he realised that this was a mistake but again…why hadn’t I stopped it? Gerard didn’t know that this would be my first time, or at least I didn’t think so. Frank didn’t even know and he practically knew everything about me however, my drunken spells could have slipped something from my mouth. He caressed my cheek slowly, his thumb making small circles on my cheek bone and I felt my cheeks blush horrendously. He wasn’t simply looking at me, he stared, intensely, a fire burning in his eyes. He sat up a little as he began to undo his buttons, his fingers slightly wobbling from the alcohol intake. I could feel my heart thumping, the blood rushing in my ears but he lazily smiled at me in a comforting way, I tried to return it but I felt too overwhelmed.

His lips crashed against my own once he was free of his shirt and my hands roamed the newly revealed skin. He was beautiful, the only light circulating the bus was the street lamps from outside peeking through some of the open blinds, and the rays of light bounced off his body, lighting up his hazel eyes. His skin was warm, comforting. I never wanted it to stop.
My brain was shutting down as the distant protests were near quietened. Gerard didn’t stop, perhaps he too barely had any control but no matter how wrong it was, it felt amazing. I could feel his lips tenderly caressing my own and suddenly I heard him mumble something I couldn’t comprehend.

“…you.” Was all about I managed to understand.

“Gerard?” I whispered as I kissed his neck, him repeating the action to me.

“I love you.”

It was still a mumble but I heard it clear enough. I froze, my eyes shooting open, my brain finally working as I felt myself begin to sober up.

“I love you.” He continued with near desperation in his voice as he brought his lips to mine, running his fingers through my waves.

“I love you Winona Winters.” I could feel him smile against my lips, his hot breath tingling around my mouth.

“Gerard.” I said breathlessly, shocked.

I do…” he said as he gripped my waist, sliding his lips across my neck.

“Gerard please, don’t say that-” I said, tears brimming and threatening to spill. I grasped his shoulders, trying to make him look at me.

“Winona…I love you.” he sighed.

“Gerard please, don’t say it anymore.”

“Why?” he slurred pulling away slightly, hurt printed across his features, his eyes becoming hazy. “Why won’t you let me? Why do you push me away?”

“Gerard, I think we should stop.” I sighed pushing at him but he kept me in place. I knew he would never hurt me or force me into doing this but he was trying to get through to me. He knew I wanted this but I couldn’t. Why can’t he see that?

“Gerard please…”

“Just let me love you Winona.” I stared up at him, a tear spilling as I closed my eyes.

“ I love you…love you…love…you” his face fell onto my neck and I thought he was going to go back to kissing me but soon I felt hot breath and the sound of light snores.

Gerard Way just passed out on top of me. I couldn’t move. Physically yes, but mentally I was trapped.

Sighing, after lying there for a few minutes thoroughly agitated, I managed to push him off of me with a ‘humph’ and a groan from the sleeping Gerard as he rolled onto his back. Hopefully he would be too drunk to remember what had happened…what had really just happened.
Gerard confessed his love to me. Gerard said he love me.

What would this do to our friendship? Were we even friends? What were we? What the fuck was going on? I stared down at him, feeling tears corrupt my vision. Why had I let him feel this way about me? But was it real? He didn’t know my ongoing need to find peace in death, if he found out, he’d think I was crazy. He would never think of me again. He doesn’t know the real me, the ugly me, he hasn’t seen all my scars, the tattoo running along the side of my torso, he doesn’t know me. He thinks he does. He doesn’t love me. He can’t.

I lay his jacket across him, almost against my will, running a finger through his hair. I pulled back, in turn running my fingers through my own hair, panic appearing as to what had just happened. I half ran towards the bunks wanting to get away from him, hearing the voices circulate my mind again.

What have you done?

This is your fault

He doesn’t really love you

Stripping my dress of hastily, catching glimpses of my scars on my arm, I cringed inwards and thought how disgusting I was; pleased almost that Gerard and I didn’t go all the way. Pleased for his sake. I found my oversized shirt and hoodie, and whipped them on, curling into bed, not even thinking about attempting to take my make up off. I could already feel the tears release when my head hit the pillow, the cover soaked within seconds. I tried to calm my breaths down, hoping to not wake Gerard but it was impossible to control myself.
How could I have let this happen? The first thing I’d said to myself when I met Gerard was to not get attached to anyone. Now look at what I’d done. I could feel my heart breaking and bursting and I knew that I’d fallen in love with him. He was everything I could have wanted for myself in life and more but I was the opposite for him. He thinks he loves me but he isn’t. He can’t.

I’m gonna kill Frank.

---

I wasn’t aware that I’d fallen asleep until I heard the harsh scratch of the curtain being pulled back from an unknown figure. I had a feeling who it was but I simply groaned and rolled over, having the first sensation of the banging hitting my head.

“Rise and shine.” Mia giggled tugging at my arm.

“No…” I said shoving my face further into the pillow.

“Come on! It’s nearly lunch time and we’re all gonna go to the café thing around the corner.”

Lunch time? Jeez I really was pissed last night. I can’t remember…

“Don’t even talk to me about food…” I said throwing an arm over my head.

“Best hangover cure.” She beamed, finally pulling me onto my back as she climb in next to me.

“It may be for some but not for me.”

“What’s yours then?” she said poking my sides.

“To sleep and when the head aches calmed down…have a cigarette.” I could feel her staring so I returned the gaze. She looked at me, her lips curling up into a smile.

“What?”

“You look awful.” She laughed pointing to my face. I rolled my eyes.

“Thanks, that’s what every girl wants to hear.”

“You were completely out of it when we got back, Gee was even on the floor topless, completely passed out.” She continued to laugh. “I think you guys got it worst.”

“The floor?”

“Yeah. It was so funny me and Frank had to take pictures.” I paused again momentarily before asking.

“The floor?”

“Yes! You already asked that! Wait…did something happen between you two?” she squealed excitedly, although her voice whispering.

I felt myself tense. He was on the floor, topless. Memories came rushing back to me as I felt bile rise up in my throat. He kissed me. Shit. Gerard and I were kissing. Double shit. We nearly had sex. Fucking how many other shits. He told me he loved me.

“I love you Winona Winters.”

I could feel my throat begin to constrict, hinting the shock and the alcohol mixing into one.

“Hey, are you okay?” Mia asked, suddenly concerned, gripping my hand. I was shaking my head slowly as my vision became blurry.

“I’m gonna throw up.” I managed to whisper. She quickly rolled out of the bunk giving me the opportunity to run straight towards the front of the bus, passing everyone with shouts of concern in their voices. I pushed the door open with all my might and went around the back of the bus where the bushes stood by the car park we’d parked in. Thank god no one was around.

I fell to the ground, spilling the contents of my drunken night onto the leaves, with tears swelling my vision. I could hear the murmured laughter from inside the bus, surely laughing at my hung over state. After feeling my stomach lighten, I gripped my head, crying, trying to wipe them away, the memories. Had Gerard remembered? Did he really love me?

My mind was simply going around in vicious circles and I couldn’t take it any longer. After about five minutes or so, I pushed myself from the ground, resting a hand against the bus, steadying myself as I made my way back on. I opened the door hesitantly as I heard the rowdy voices of the band members and Mia as they played Guitar Hero, I supposed. I walked towards the sink, catching glimpse of myself in the mirror. Eugh. Maybe if Gerard saw me like this he wouldn’t want me anymore.

“There she is!” I heard Frank exclaim behind me. I didn’t dare look around, knowing the others were staring too.

“Good night?” Ray asked holding back a laugh.

“Obviously! She got hammered, just what she wanted.” Mia answered for me. She then went on to add how excited I was to get pissed that night since I hadn’t for a long time.

“Please stop screaming.” I croaked.

“Nawh, someone’s got it bad.” Frank continued as I turned to face them all. “Jeez! Mia wasn’t joking, you look awful!”

“Fuck you.” I walked past them, holding up my middle finger as I continued to hear the laughter of the others. Suddenly my body bashed against another and I placed my hand on their chest, keeping myself steady.

“Whoa.” Gerard said his voice cracking. He must have only just woken up.

“Sorry…” I mumbled, not daring to meet his gaze. I tried to walk past him but just as last night, he held onto me.

“Hangover hit you hard too?” he laughed. Did he remember?

“Hmm.” I answered.

“Hey.” He said softly, placing a finger under my chin to make me look at him. His eyes widened a little when he must have seen how puffy my eyes were from all the crying last night and partly this morning.

“Have you been crying?” he sighed.

“No…just, just the hangover.” I said turning my head of out his touch.

“When will you learn that I know you’re lying?” he chuckled softly. I was about to open my mouth but we heard Frank call out to us.

“Hey come one love birds! We need our hangover cures!” Just as I had answered Mia earlier, he replied.

“Don’t talk about food. All I need is sleep and a cigarette.” Gerard replied, his hand sliding down my arm to entwine his fingers with my own.

“Just like Winona.” Mia said, suddenly appearing before us. Her eyes widened with excitement as she looked down at our hands.

“We’re just friends.” I said before she could say anything to ‘alarm’ the others. Gerard’s grip on my hand loosened a little and I could feel his gaze flicker to me.

“Well, then I guess you guys should stay here and sleep.” She suggested.

“You know what? I’m actually feeling a little hungry.” A complete lie. Her face dropped a little as she shrugged her shoulders.

“Oh okay…you coming Gerard?”

“Maybe.” he replied.

Turning around to pick up her purse, she called back over her shoulder - “We’ll be outside.”
I didn’t even want to think about what would happen if Gerard and I were left alone. When she was out of sight, I let go of his hand, ready to wash my hair quick, to attempt to look decent.

“You okay Winona?” I heard him call after me.

“I’m okay.” Lie. “Are you?”

“I’m okay.” his voice told different. Maybe he did remember.

“I’m gonna get ready.” I said before he could say anything else to me.

It was going to be a long day.

Notes

Hey! I updated! Quicker than normal which I'm even surprised about! Hope you guys are okay!

(There was a lot of exclamations in that sentence...)