All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

Neither Gerard nor I ever brought the conversation up however the air around us was stirring. He looked at me differently, more intense since I had simply requested a friendship between us. Sometimes when he thought I wasn’t looking, I could see he was sad, there was a light behind his eyes that was fading, and for the life of me I had to fix it. I was his friend. His ally and for the first time, I’d shown him some of my art to bring us closer as friends. I was careful to not show any of the sketches of him otherwise I would be thoroughly embarrassed and in a way, giving mixed signals I suppose because beneath the pencil line, there was deeper meaning – an admiration to this man. He suggested we do a collaborative painting, our feelings in one and I instantly replied ‘yes’. To have any work I do next to Gerard’s is an honour if I’m honest. He’s so talented but he sometimes just doesn’t see it.

I insisted we go on walks and he was willing to come. He’d try to hold my hand but I couldn’t. If I’d allowed him to do the small intimate things we’d done before the tour then I know I would lose my self-control around him. Frank had looked at me suspiciously in that week or so. He’d seen that inch of a distance between Gerard and I and he looked at me, disappointedly perhaps? Mia had tried getting me to talk to her about it during sound checks at the guy’s venues but I’d manage to avoid the subject. Frank had joked and asked repeatedly why Gee and I weren’t a couple. I smiled and rolled my eyes but never answered him. It was because Gerard deserved better.

Their first concert on the tour, they played in a small, remote setting and it was magical. They were known but mainly around the New Jersey area and were slowly spreading through the country. I insisted to stand in the crowd to gather the complete experience and it was phenomenal. Gerard and the guys were slightly nervous before they went on stage, but Mia and I were there to instantly calm their nerves. They were simply amazing.

I felt and heard everyone around me screaming and shouting for more and they gave them everything they had. They were sweating, breathless and practically bouncing around everywhere on stage. Frank span, jumped on Bob’s drum set. Mikey a little more reserved, still played with passion as well as Ray. Bob bashing the life out of the drums and Gerard, singing his heart out. I remember the moment when Gerard looked directly at me when he sang and I felt it impossible to turn my gaze from him. He made me feel weightless, free just by his gaze. I could tell I was in trouble and I forced myself to not think about it.

I was a little worried about Gee however. He felt as though he had to drink a few beers before being ‘Gerard’ on stage but honestly, what he writes and what they create is when their sober. He was amazing enough. He lacked confidence on stage and in front of crowds and I hoped it was a faze he was going through. He was good enough without it. Perfect.
Now tonight, it was their fourth ‘concert’ and it was at a small club that none of us could remember the name of. I didn’t even know where we were. We were eager for them to play seeing as though afterwards we were all going to drink until the sun rose to greet us. I hadn’t gone for a night out in a long time and I was ready to drink away, I felt as though I needed this.

The guys had gone ahead leaving Mia and I to get ready. They went on at 8 which left us an hour to finish and get to the club/bar thing. As I was applying my red lipstick I could feel Mia watching me. I knew what she was going to try and get out of me. Since my outburst on the day we left for tour, I hadn’t said anything of how I really felt and I was going to keep it that way, even if I had to lie to people, including Gerard. I adjusted my gaze in the mirror to see her staring with an eyebrow raised and looking me up and down.

“What?” I asked.

“You’re killing him.” she sighed.

“What? Killing who?”

“You know who Win.” She said standing beside me in the mirror to apply her deep purple lip stick.

“I’m not killing anyone-”

“Don’t give me that!” she hip bumped me.

“I’m not!” I laughed, hitting her back.

“He’s head over heels for you Win.” I shut my eyes and rested against the small counter in the lounge area where there sat a large mirror.

“Mia…”

“I know it’s been what? Three weeks? But who gives a shit. We all know you’re perfect for each other. You seem as though you’ve known each other forever. The only thing delaying anything is you and your insistence that he wants nothing to do with you.”

“For god’s sake-” I sighed dramatically.

“I’m serious Winona.” She said looking at me in the mirror.

“Look…for…for.” I was trying to think of an excuse. “For all I know it would just be a fling.
Nothing more.” I continued, puckering my lips to set the lipstick.

“You know that’s bullshit.” She sang as she leant closer to mirror.

“Mia seriously, nothing will happen. It can’t. It won’t.”

“That’s what you think.” She smiled again.

“Mia-”

“In that dress you will surely kill him. One look at you and he will fall at his knees, begging
you to let something happen between you two. Gerard is not the kind guy who does ‘flings’.”

“We’re not talking about this anymore.” I said as I put the lipstick in my small bag.

“It’s because you want it to-”

“SHUT UP!” I laughed throwing a pillow at the back of her head, causing her to smudge her lipstick.

“That was uncalled for!”

“It certainly was.”

“Look you like him, he likes you, where’s the problem?” she asked simply.

If only you could understand me.

After finally pushing Mia off the bus, we made our way to the bar just in time to hear the first note of MCR’s song. Ordering a drink quickly and racing it down our throats, we practically ran to the front to cheer them on and Frank instantly noticed Mia, winking at her every chance he could get. Mia air kissed him, screaming and dancing, trying to encourage me to dance alongside her. I was too busy watching Gerard. Gerard on the other hand had completely ignored me throughout the whole set which was unlike him compared to the previous nights. He wouldn’t wink and smile every time I cheered. He wouldn’t place his hand over his chest when he sang directly at me, trying to catch his breath I suppose. Instead, he flirted with many of the other girls, waving at them, holding their hands as they reached out to touch him. I tried to shrug it off but I felt awful. In the pit of my stomach I almost felt sick.

After half an hour or so, I left Mia as she drooled over Frank, pushing my way through the crowds, I went over to the bar, ordering the strongest drink they had, feeling relief as I held the glass in my hand.

“Rough night?” The bartender asked which was probably the most clichéd line ever.

“Rough life.” I said downing the drink instantly, pushing the empty glass forward for him to
refill.

“I’ve heard that so many times.”

“Really? Life really does suck.” I said lifting the glass to my lips, although taking a little more time to savour the taste.

“Yeah, but it’s what you make it.”

“I’ve heard that one before.” I sighed, rolling my eyes a little.

“You’re life only sucks because you’re not turning it around.”

“You don’t know anything about me and my problems. I’m fine. There’s nothing to turn around.” There’s no time left. I said defensively but instead of being offended at my outburst, he gave me a sympathetic smile.

“That’s the words from a person who needs help but doesn’t want to see it.” he leaned forward slightly looking at me sincerely. “Don’t leave it until it’s too late.” It already is.

After that, he turned and walked down the other end of the bar leaving me with my thoughts. I tried to push back what he said, what I felt when Gerard blanked me, my loneliness…I was messed up. My mind was a mess.

“HEY!” I flinched. I felt pressure on my back as a tiny Frankie was leaning against me, his arm wrapped around my shoulder tightly, his sweat leaking onto my skin. I hadn’t even realised there performance had finished. “Our music boring you already?”

“Of course not!” I said pushing him off, ordering another round of beers for the guys, the bartender giving me the look to say: think about what I said. “I needed a drink.”

“That’s never good!” Ray interjected taking a seat beside me on the stool.

“Never ever!” Frank said childishly.

“You okay?” Mikey asked slightly concerned. I opened my mouth to speak but Mia and Frank already answered for me, cutting their make-out session a little short.

“She’s fine!” Mia and Frank said looking at me. I saw Frank mouth ‘Gerard’ and smile giddily. I rolled my eyes and faced Ray and Bob.

“I think their drunk already.” Bob teased, poking at Frank.

“There not the only ones.” Ray said, a sad hint in his voice. I wondered if he was talking about Gerard.

“You guys were great, as always.” I smiled, giving Mikey a little hug. He left his arm around my shoulders as mine placed at his hip.

“Great? That’s it! We were phenomenal, spectacular, incredible, amazing-”

“Yes Frankeny you were all those things and more!” I smiled. I looked around searching for Gerard but couldn’t see him. I felt my stomach drop. I thought I was meant to be mad at him for ignoring me but I wanted to see him. No, I decided I was going to be mad at him but then again, he was always my mind, in a way I was never sure of.

Winona shut up.

“Where’s Gerard?”

“Just coming now.” Mikey said as he took a sip from his beer. As if on cue, Gerard emerged from the crowd, his hair slightly hiding his face, his hands shoved in his pockets with his shoulders slightly hunched, his stance swaying slightly. He looked exhausted.

“Hey! Where’d ya run off to?” Frank asked, pushing him forward a little.

“Bathroom.” Gerard said simply as his eyes wondered the ground. I tried averting my eyes from him but I couldn’t stop flickering. I didn’t say a word to him. I tried to indulge myself in a conversation with Ray but I missed the contact with Gerard. He barely even glanced at me.
As I heard the others around me start mini conversations, I took another look at him. This time, I watched as his eyes travelled from my shoes, to my legs, to my chest, to my hair and then to my eyes. His mouth opened a little as he watched me, his lips as though they were about to speak. I stared back at him not entirely sure what to say. Why was the air changing around us? Why was it beginning to feel…tense? He took a step forward, causing me to have to crane my neck slightly.

“You look beautiful.” He said, his eyes unblinking, challenging me. I could feel the heat rise to my cheeks as my eyes flickered away briefly. “I know you don’t believe me.”

“Shut up…” I said scratching the back of my neck. He laughed.

“You see?”

“Hmm.” I replied sipping at my drink. “You don’t look bad yourself.”

“You’re barely even looking at me. How can you tell?” he laughed slightly.

“I could ask you the same thing.” I looked at him, his brow furrowing to my words as his lips pouted, his brain trying to understand my meaning.

“What’s wrong Winona?” He asked, his voice becoming caring, soft and a complete switch to his earlier cold shoulder.

“Nothing.” I shrugged. Sighing, he squeezed his way between myself and Mikey, and placed an arm on the back of the stool. His lips were mere inches from my ear as he whispered:

“Don’t lie to me, I can tell sugar.”

“I’m not lying to you Gerard.” I said, waving my hand in the air.

“You know what. I’m not going to argue but I know something’s wrong…” he touched the side of my face, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. “I’ll get it out of you one way or another-”

Suddenly a group of girls surrounded the bar and noticed the guys instantly from their performance. Instantly, they were all over them, swooning and stroking their shoulders once they’d been saying how amazing they were (which they were) but I rolled my eyes, seeing Gerard interacting and leaning so close to one of the girls, evidently to hear her better but that’s not what was going on in my head. This girl was gorgeous and I felt, disappointed. I shouldn’t feel disappointed.

Pushing myself away from them, I found Mia and Frank at the end of the bar and walked over to them. The smiled at me slyly as I ordered another drink, the alcohol beginning to affect all of us.

“You’re jealous…” Mia slurred.

“Am not.” I said, sticking my tongue out.

“You so are. You and Gee having a moment-”

“Okay, it was not a moment-”

“And then all the girls came around and attacked him like vulchers. You wanna be there, beside him, holding him-“ I left Mia to go through her dramatic monologue as I could see Frank beginning to drift off on her shoulder. I laughed, looking at them, thinking how much I would have loved to have a relationship like that when I had hope. I’d lost that aspect of me a long time. I turned to see a girl pulling Gee on to the dance floor, his drunken stature almost making him go. I knew if he was sober he would never.

“Mia!” I said suddenly standing.

She looked up at me appalled as I held out my hand. “Come on, we’re gonna dance.” She squealed, waking Frank up slightly. He eagerly declined to dance, making his way over to Ray and Mikey who were still talking to the girls.

I was drunk. I knew I was. I stumbled everywhere, a few guys here and there trying to get a dance in which I instantly pushed them away. It was a moment I was lost in whatever music was playing. My brain was not working. I feared I lost reason once I realised Mia was gone from the crowd. My body bounced, my blood pumped with adrenaline and I felt free with this music surrounding me. I wouldn’t have done this sober.

I suddenly felt a pair of hands on my waist. They spun me around and I was met with a lazy smile from Gerard. I smiled back up to him as I wrapped my arms around his neck…again not having entire control over my body.

“I’m so glad it was you!” he shouted over the music. I seemed to have lost all annoyance at him as I stared.

“Yup, it’s me…” I slurred leaning against him and resting my head on his shoulder. He tightened his grip on my waist as he swayed us amongst the sweaty bodies, further burying his face into my bare shoulder.

“I feel like I’m old!” I shouted.

“Why?” obviously drunk, it was more of a giggle instead of a simple laugh.

“Because I’m tired!” I moaned. He paused before speaking.

“Come on. Let’s head back to the bus. We’ll sleep this off then come out tomorrow.”
We made our way back to the bus just as he suggested, the cold breeze having to bring us close together while also our stumbling not helping the situation. We were so wasted. When we got there, the door opened easily enough but Gerard had to hold onto my hips as he hoisted me up, the result of me crawling up the small steps instead of walking.

“Shhh!” I said dramatically as he shut the door with a loud bang.

“No one’s here.” He smacked my hand gently away from his lips, walking past me to double check.

“Hello!” I shouted but there was no reply.

“You’re like a magician Gerard! How in all elves’ shoes did you know no one was here?”
“I am a god.” He replied, kicking his shoes off as I did the same. As I tried, I managed to lose
my grip.

He laughed as I tripped, falling onto the floor, my back flat and my hair in my face. I suddenly felt pressure on top of me as Gerard scent overwhelmed me. His hands ran through my hair, pushing it away from my face as his laughter was dying down.

“You okay?” he asked kissing my cheek.

“I’m pretty sure you’re not meant to laugh when I could’ve died!”

“That will never happen because I won’t let it.”

“Gerard.” I laughed trying to push him off me.

“I mean it.” his fingers were caressing my face and my heart was leaping in my chest. What is going on?

"Gerard..."

“I’ll protect you Winona.” He whispered when his lips were a few mere inches from mine.

Then, his lips collided with my own.

Notes

Hello! Sorry for the late update! College is exhausting. Thank you again for all the positive comments on the stories. I really appreciate it and I hope you're enjoying it.

Hope you guys are okay!