All the smiles that’ll forever haunt me

We had been on the bus roughly for about two hours and already the band members were fatigued from this so far short journey. Frank had accompanied me on the small sofa, with Mia on his right with an arm wrapped about her while his head rested on my shoulder as they dozed, content with semi-silence. Bob and Ray had retreated to the small gaming area while Mikey stood and watched with his coffee clutched tightly in his hand. I wasn’t sure where Gerard was but my mind focused on him nonetheless.

I was sketching him before I could even realise what I was doing. Specifically his eyes…his beautiful hazel eyes, the way they looked when, on numerous occasions, we would sit outside his house and have our nightly cigarette before we even attempted to go to bed; the way they were glistening when he heard me ramble on about everything and nothing. I still didn’t understand why he was still my friend, if that’s what we even were. Even after my episode last night and breakdown this morning, he still wanted to be near me, even on the same bus with me for months! I was worried. Gerard told Frank that I’d told him a fair much, especially drunk but I had no recollection. I would have to confront Gerard about it soon.

Frank had said that Gerard had his own demons and by introducing us we would ward them off together but sometimes I wonder if putting two broken people together, I assumed that’s what Frank had meant, then where would the light come from? The hope? If we were as dark as Frank had made out then he thought exactly like me. Frank had also mentioned that if we were to ever ‘break-up’ or fight with one another then we would be lethal to each other. He along with my mind could potentially be my worst enemy.

I shook my head retracting the thought as I shut my pad. Frank kept fidgeting so I wouldn’t have gotten anything else done with him next to me if I wanted to. I reached up and patted his head and whispered ‘Little Frankie’. In return I got a murmur of what I interpreted to be ‘fuck off’ and so I did. I chuckled and pushed at his shoulder causing him to turn and face Mia while they held onto one another. I looked down at them and smiled. I was glad Frank was happy and that Mia was the one to have caused that. I wish I had that.

Gerard popped into my mind and I thought I’d go and find him. No time like the present I suppose. Carrying my sketch pad with me, I made my way towards the bunks, walking past Mikey, Bob and Ray as I did. I came up and linked my arm with Mikey and he smiled not looking away from the game.

“Do you know where Gerard is?” I asked and he nodded.

“He went for a nap I think or to draw. I know he’s in his bunk though.” I squeezed his arm and thanked him before continuing my way towards my bunk to shove my drawings on it. I turned to Gerard’s bunk and the small curtain was closed, behind it, there was deep breathing from an obviously sleepy Gerard. I didn’t want to wake him knowing he must be tired. Frank mentioned that he didn’t sleep much when we got on the bus. I wanted to be near him though. I know Mikey, Ray and Bob were out there but Gerard made me feel better. In a way, I wish he didn’t.

I pulled back the small curtain carefully and instantly saw him lying on his back, with an arm draped across his eyes and his chest rising and falling slowly. I wish I could see his face. I reached out and hesitantly touched his arm. His skin was smooth and extremely warm. I smiled again to myself feeling like an idiot.

“Gerard?” I whispered shaking him slightly but there was no response. I repeated doing this until he began to slur awake. He pulled the arm away from his eyes and opened them slightly, just enough to see who had woken him. He smiled at me, one side of his mouth curling up. He closed his eyes again as he half stretched, reaching out and taking my hand in his. I knelt beside the bunk.

“You okay Winona?” he asked slightly warily.

“Yeah…”I whispered. “Sorry I didn’t mean to wake you. I’ll let you sleep-”

“Nah sugar, I’ve slept enough.” He sighed half looking up at the ceiling while his eyes began to flutter.

“No you haven’t.” I said softly. “Frank told me you slept an hour at most.”

“He knows how to keep his mouth shut.” He said sarcastically.

“I know.” I smiled squeezing his hand.

“You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I was just bored really.” I shrugged.

“Where are the guys?” He asked bringing himself onto his elbows and leaning forward slight.

“Playing games. I was on the sofa with Mia and Frank but they fell asleep and kept interrupting my drawing by nudging me…so…I was wondering if I could join you?” I asked hesitantly. He smiled brightly as he held back the blanket, inviting me in warmly. I stood and took my slippers off and crawled in beside him, my skin feeling light and covered with goose bumps. When I had made myself comfortable, as far away from Gerard as possible, I felt eyes on me. I slowly blinked one eye open as he stared at me amused, his eyes sparkling a little.

“What do you think you’re doing?” He asked with a small chuckle.

“Napping?” I questioned. He laughed.

“I mean, why are you so far away? You ask to come in my bed and don’t even have the common decency to hug me?” He pouted holding out his hand. “I haven’t seen you in what…an hour?” I sighed and rolled my eyes. He smiled bright again. He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him, his arm wrapped securely around my waist, one of my hands tucked in beside me, and our free hands twisted and entwined on top of Gerard’s chest. His kissed my forehead before sighing deeply and I’m sure letting his eyes droop once more.

I was unbelievably comfortable with Gerard beside me.

After a while, I thought it best I bring it up now. We’d never really have much time to talk to one another, especially with the guys constantly being around us. I trusted Frank the most but Gerard was slowly over taking. Gerard just seemed as though he would be there more for me…for now. I’m sure everyone will get bored of me…

Everyone already hates you Winona…just pull the trigger now.

The voices were sneering at me and I shook my head in disgust. I cleared my throat and shifted my head slightly so my lips were inches from Gerard’s neck, the heat radiating and swarming all around my lips.

“Gerard?” I asked quietly.

“Hmm.” He replied. I swallowed and cleared my throat again.

“What did…what did I tell you when I was drunk?” I asked burying me head into his shoulders and his grip tightened on me but he said nothing.

“Please tell me.”

“You said you didn’t want to talk about it.” he eventually said.

“The thought of someone knowing more about me than I initially wanted them to know scares me.” I forced my body round entirely and faced him dead on. “Please tell me.” He rubbed his eyes and licked his lips before he spoke.

“You didn’t really tell me a lot about it…you always stated that you never remembered being happy. You were bullied constantly and they drove you to do things that made you think your parents were ashamed of you…you said they disowned you and that you had no-one back ‘home’…that Frank said this was your second chance…he also called your entire family sons of bitches…” He shrugged.

“That doesn’t tell you I have issues Gerard.” I said lightly. “I just had past pain-

“I know you were and still are extremely sad.” He looked at me through his lashes, his dark hair covering the corner of his left eye.

“What makes you think I’m sad now?” I tried to play not even wanting to hint that I had my own plans for my future.

“I’ve seen your cuts, your continuous drunk episodes where you always repeat –‘life’s a fucking joke-“

“Well it is.” I answered. He smiled slightly.

"Winona..." He sighed again, almost in a way he agreed but didn't want me to think like that.

“What did Frank say to you?” He sighed again before answering, my constant interruptions getting to him perhaps.

“He said that no matter what, I should never force you into anything and god I would never do that. The night I met you he told me that you were different from girls that I’ve been with…better but to an extent…damaged? I don’t know how to put it-”

“How did Frank put it?”

“Broken.” He said hesitantly.

“Well I’m broken then Gerard.” I shrugged as though it were nothing. We were silent as i half turned myself away from him, not really wanting to carry the conversation on. Between me and Gerard, nothing will ever be simple. When it was just us, we could never have a simple conversation. There was always something intricate involved in which would form to something deep about the both of us. He never looked at me, he always stared with intensity which made it all the more difficult for me to concentrate on 'distance'. I had to tell Gerard what we were and what we'll only ever be...it wouldn't be fair to him...I know he could do so much better than me.

“I want to help you…” he sighed gripping my hands.

“I don’t need help Gerard. I’m fine.” I smiled softly.

“Win…” he began to protest but I stopped him.

“Just be my friend. That’s all I ask.” He was silent, looking at me as his eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

“Friends…” he said slowly.

“Friends.” I stated. Something flashed across his eyes…could it have been disappointment? Of course not. He put on a smile and brought me close to him again.

“Friends Miss Winona Winters.”

As soon as he said that I felt my heart settle slightly in relief but jolt in pain. What was going on with me?

Notes

Hey! So I finally updated, I hope this chapters okay, I had a little bit of writers block. Hope you guys are all okay! Thanks again to all those who are reading this and so far liking it<3