Love Should Always Be Blind

Mom and David had a long loud talk about Frank and I being together. In the end we all decided, that Frank and I together was fine but we weren't aloud to have sex when other people were in the house. Matt just loved that rule, the little fucker. And also we had to keep our relationship issues out of family problems. I wasn't sure how that would work, but I'd try. I knew that was what Mom was most apprehensive about; Frank and I breaking up and it ruining our family dynamic. But I knew that would never happen no matter how much Frank and I fought. So I wasn't worried.

It was weird though, getting used to having our parents know about us. For so long we'd kept it a secret it was almost like a second life we were living. With that second life coming to light it was almost awkward, Frank and I weren't sure how to act around our parents. Even mundane things like dinner were weird. Frank was trying to make me more comfortable with it, like holding my hand while we ate as a family, or sitting in his lap when we watched TV together and not jumping apart when someone walked in. He even went so far as to giving me peck here and there while Mom was around. David on the other hand was a different story. He still didn't like the idea of me dating Frank. Honestly it kind of pissed me off. The way I saw it, he didn't want me dating his son because he thought Frank wasn't date-able. That his son only fucked around and wasn't mature enough or stable enough. Well if he only listened or talked to him, he'd see Frank wasn't happy with his party days. And also Frank was a very sweet boyfriend who was very considerate of my feelings and thoughts. Like of all people to date, he chose a blind person. And I knew that took a lot of maturity and patience.

Frank and David fought over this, of course. Mom wasn't having any of it though and either stopped the fights or ushered me out of the room to allow them to get it out of their systems. I tried to be there for Frankie, I knew his Dad didn't understand him. That David wasn't like my Mom who was there for me and listened to my worries and troubles. I knew I was lucky, so I felt for my boyfriend. But at the same time it upset me to hear the fights and if I tried to talk to Frank about it, it upset him and he ended up fighting with me. The whole situation was a Catch 22.

Despite the tension, though, Frank and I held up our end of the deal to being able to date. We didn't have sex when people were home. Most of the time. Sometimes at night, one of us would sneak into the others room and quietly make love. Sue us. And other times, we'd break the rule when Sarah or Matt were home. Of course Matt would bitch and we'd have to bribe him not to tell Mom. Sarah would just scuff or chastise us. She said she was used to it though, so she didn't really care. And plus it's not like we were jumping each others bones 24/7. But we were fighting more than I was used to and the only way I felt like things were still okay was when I could be intimate with Frank, to feel like he still loved me. Hearing him proclaim his love for me, while inside me, touching me in a way he'd only ever done to me before, than anyone else; it was special. I mean I knew sex wasn't the source of our relationship, but it was important nonetheless. I think Sarah understood this honestly and that's why she didn't mind having to put up with it, if only for my sake.

Time was moving faster than I liked too. It was March, already spring time, when Frank and I were laying in bed together, gently embraced within each other, after making love. I was still catching my breath, head resting on Franks chest, when he began creating invisible lines on my spine with his fingertips. My day at lessons with Ray had been rough. Long and tedious and I was just tired. Frank's day at school had been similar and when Matt said he was going over to his girlfriend's, Melanie's as he's broken up with Ruby after Valentines Day, Frank and I took the opportunity.

“Gee?” Frank murmured against my head. I hummed in recognition, nuzzling my nose into his toned chest. “Have you ever been to a dance?”

“A dance?” I repeated, not sure if I was understanding him right.

“Yeah a dance. Y'know like a school dance?” He rephrased. I shrugged keeping my defective eyes closed. Frank loved them but I saw them useless if I couldn't even see outta the damn things.

“No. I've been home schooled my whole life.” I answered. The fact I'd never been to a school dace didn't really bother me honestly, though. What I'd heard and read from books, it wasn't all it was cracker up to be. Just a lot of unnecessary pressure.

“Have you ever wanted to?” He pressed.

“I dunno.” I replied, shrugging again. “I've never had the opportunity to go to one.”

“Would you want to?” He wondered, still idly drawing on my bare back. I exhaled my breath onto his chest.

“I guess.” I decided, “I mean I suppose it's an experience. Have you?”

“Yeah, lots of times. I've gone to almost all of them with friends. Bob took me to homecoming one year.” Frank mused

“Hmm.” I murmured, turning my head slightly to kiss his chest, “What's this got to so with anything though?”

“Well, uh, I was actually wondering,” Frank stammered, fiddling with a piece of my hair, “I was wondering if you'd want to go to prom with me, that is if your Mom said it was okay...”

“Really?” I chirped, propping myself onto my elbow, “You'd want to take me to prom with you? I mean it's your senior prom?”

“Well, of course! Who else would I want to take besides my boyfriend?” Frank responded incredulously. I shrugged one shoulder.

“You could always just decide to go with your friends.” I pointed out. Frank sighed, sounding frustrated, caressing my face. I flinched at first not expecting the touch, but then relaxed into it.

“Gee, my baby. Why on earth would I want to do that? I love you, I want to spend it with you.” He insisted, his voice filled with love and concern. I couldn't help but blush.

“Okay.” I whispered, “I'd love to go with you.”

“Good.” Frank murmured, leaning in and planting a tender kiss to my lips. Pulling away he nuzzled his nose against mine. Giggling, I nuzzled right back.

“When is the prom anyways?” I wondered, sitting back.

“April the 18th I think. I know it's a Saturday.” He commented.

“Right after my birthday.” I pointed out

“It is isn't it.” Frank mused, “So you'll be eighteen? Officially and legally able to corrupt.” He teased with a smirk in his tone. I laughed, throwing my head back.

“I guess so.” I smirked myself. “But I think you've corrupted me enough already.”

“That's your opinion.” He countered, “Plus now we get to do everything all over again, only legally this time.” I rolled my eyes, but said nothing, only leaning my head back onto his chest. Frank simply placing a hand back on my bare back, stroking his callous fingertips along my skin. We must have laid there together for a while, because before I knew it, I heard the bedroom door open.

“Gee?” Sarah's voice infiltrated my ears, along with the sound of the squeaking door. Then a sigh of annoyance. “Are you guys always in bed?” She huffed.

“Just about.” Frank replied nonchalantly, only to bug her more. I hit his chest lightly, silently telling him to leave Sarah alone. I removed myself from Frank, sitting up but being sure to keep the blanket around my waist.

“Sorry, Sarah.” I muttered, an insistent blush dusting my face.

“It's not your fault. At least you show some remorse.” She offered, obviously calling Frank out. Frank didn't reply though, unfazed.

“What is it you want?” He sighed sounding annoyed himself.

“I wanted to talk to my brother. Alone.” She countered. I could hear her feet making their way in closer to the room.

“Well we're busy.” Frank bit.

“Frank!” I shouted, spinning around “Be nice. Please. Both of you.” I pleaded, turning back around to face Sarah. They both sighed in unison. “Why don't you let me get dressed, okay Sarah?” I offered. She huffed loudly but left the room nonetheless.

“I don't know why she has to be such a bitch to me.” Frank muttered under his breath, while getting off the bed.

“Sarah? You're a dick to her too.” I pointed out, feeling around the floor for my clothes.

“Because she's a bitch to me first.” He insisted like a child. I rolled my eyes, slipping on my jeans quickly then a random tee-shirt.

“You both need to be nice to each other. I'm sick of the bickering.” I demanded, feeling like a parent mediating their children. Frank exhaled roughly through his nostrils behind me, but came up wrapping his arms around my waist.

“I'll try. But for you.” He caved, kissing my neck.

“Good. If that works for you, it works for me.” I decided, twisting back and aiming to peck Frank's check, but landed on his chin. Managing my way out of our embrace, I made my way to the door and called for Sarah.

“Gerard!” She hollered from her room. Briskly I made my way around the hallway to Sarah's room, entering without an announcement.

“What is it?” I asked, carefully moving my way through her bedroom to sit on her bed, next to where her voice was coming from.

“I have a favor to ask you, actually.” She began suddenly sounding apprehensive. I furrowed my eyebrows, reaching a hand out to hold hers.

“Yeah, what is it? After all you've done for me and Frank, I owe you.” I agreed without knowing her request. Sarah took my hand, giving a squeeze.

“Well I have a friend...and her names Lindsey. And uhm, well she kinda needs a date and I was wondering if you'd go out with her? I mean it's not like a real date! Just like a fill in for her!” Sarah explained quickly.

“What? Why?” I demanded, not like this already.

“Because,” Sarah groaned, “It's like a family dinner she has to go to but she needs a date. She doesn't want t go alone.”

“So you take her!” I shouted

“She's not gay and neither am I!” Sarah defended sounding whiny

“Well I'm already with Frank!”

“But it's just one night and it's not like I'm asking you to breakup with Frank or even kiss her or anything. It's just for show! C'mon Gee she's really great and nice and funny.” Sarah pleaded

“It sounds like you want this to be more than one night?” I accused narrowing my eyes.

“Gerard don't be ridiculous.” Sarah scoffed.

“Am I? I know you don't like Frank.” I snarled.

“Gerard, it's not like that. I'm trying to do a friend a favor.” Sarah insisted. I was silent, still stewing but slightly, just slightly considering it, if and only if Frank was okay with this.

“What day?” I finally grumbled.

“April.” She squealed, getting ahead of herself.

“What day?” I repeated wanting her to be more specific.

“April 18th.” She sighed

“Welp, too bad. Frank's taking me to prom that night.” I cheered, not caring to hide my enthusiasm. Sorry Lindsey.

“What? Since when are you going to prom?” Sarah shouted dumbfounded.

“Since this afternoon when he asked me.” I sneered, “Y'know after he fucked me.” I knew I was being beyond immature but I didn't care. Sarah was really starting to annoy me. I knew there was more behind this whole 'just a fake date thing'. I knew Sarah didn't like Frank too. I was done with the whole thing already. Sarah gasped at my comment, jerking her hand out of mine.

“Gerard! What's gotten into you?!” She yelled, sounding mad herself.

“You!” I shouted, jumping to my feet, “You bagging on Frank all the time. And now this? This whole stupid, 'oh I need help for a friend who needs a fake date', shit. I'm done! Either you accept Frank and I or you leave us alone!” I demanded, storming out of the room. Huffing and puffing, I slammed the door behind me and marched back into my room.

“Hey, what's all the yelling for?” Frank wondered, once I'd entered the room.

“Fuckin Sarah.” I growled, throwing myself onto the bed beside Frank. “She wanted me to go on a date with some chick.”

“What?” Frank yelled.

“I know!” I yelled back, “I mean how fuckin low.”

“Then that's why she didn't want me with you.” Frank commented. I just grunted in annoyance.

“Yeah, but too bad anyways. It's prom night she wants me to do it.” I revealed smugly, laying on my back and snuggling into Franks side. I just wished for one second my whole family would be okay with Frank and I being together. Especially Sarah. Before Frank she was practically all I had. She was my best friend. I mean she still was but now I was so confused. What do you do when your best friend/ sister and your other best friend/ boyfriend hate each other? I wanted to make both of them happy and please them but I felt like they were pulling me apart from each end.

*****

You know those days when you're unbearably sad for no reason whatsoever but no matter how hard you try, you just can't shake it? The sadness is all consuming and deteriorating. It picks apart the flesh in your brain, dissecting all your worries and insecurities, that way it knows exactly what to whisper into your ear to make you feel even worse. Well that's how I'd been feeling when I woke up about a week after my fight with Sarah. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die for no reason. I wanted the world to open up from the ground and swallow me up whole. My body ached and I felt like I couldn't' move even if I wanted to. Like someone had sewn invisible bags of concrete to my limbs over night. And no one understood. No one ever understands in times like theses. Because they don't understand why. And it's true to some existent. There is no rhythm or reason. But that doesn't mean it's not there either. It is very real and prominent. Every time I wake up like this, I feel as if I wake up with a gun to my head. I am unstable and I don't know why and no one wants to help. In the most dramatic terms of description, I am suicidal.

What's not fair, though is that most of the time I do a good job at keeping myself in check. But then out of nowhere without my consent this depression wraps it's hands around my throat; squeezing. I fight these demons yet they still seem to find me. I am empty and my heart is aching. This sadness creeps up on me at the most unexpected times. It will follow me forever.
I had been like this for a couple of days, each one getting heavier and heavier. By Wednesday Ray tried to talk to me about it, I was sluggish in my movements and slow in my speech; talking was a chore in itself like the words wouldn't come out right. But with this, I couldn't talk to him about it. I wanted to but I couldn't. The thoughts got stuck in my throat and my brain refused to allow me to put my troubles into words. The sadness forces you to suffer in silence. The same situation with Mom, Sarah, Matt and even Frank. I couldn't articulate just how I was feeling although I felt it all at once. I think that's the problem really. The feelings are so completely overwhelming you can't focus on one thing at a time to express them.

Ray offered to end lessons early and allow me to rest. He said he thought that's what would be best for me. Just to rest. I was happy with this offer and scared at the same time. I didn't wan tot be alone but I didn't want to be around anyone at the same time. I was very conflicted and confused. But Ray left after lunch nonetheless leaving me all alone at home. The darkness swelled around my eyes and body, I couldn't breathe. The silence didn't help either. I felt as if I was floating in limbo. No here or there. I wasn't real, just a fake figment of my own imagination. Trying to calm myself down, I decided to rest by lying down on my bed with eyes closed. It gave no relief however; I still was consumed by the same darkness when my eyes were closed as I was when they were open. I couldn't escape it. Nor the dark or the sadness. Rustling around in bed, I couldn't get comfortable and the restlessness only grew like a pressure building inside of me.

Tears of frustration began to well up in my dead eyes, spilling out over and onto my face. I could feel the tears, yet they weren't there, a phantom of a feeling long gone. So I tried screaming instead. As loud as I could, until my lungs grew raw and scratched. The sound echoed in my ears, but far away and muffled as if I was under water. I couldn't feel. I was already numb to the world around me. There was nothing there to remind myself I was real. That I was alive in the world we all created within our minds and shared with one another. I was in my own world though, that began to crumble within the walls of my mind.
Desperate, I somehow got to my feet in search for anything to indicate I was a real human being, breathing and alive. Frantically I got to my hands and knees swiping my hands along the cold carpeted floor for something. Anything. Coming up bare, I brought my hands to my face in anger, scrapping the nails at the end of my fingers, down my face. Clawing and fighting myself, I could barely feel the sting that they created, breaking skin but not really. Only skimming the surface, enough to cause discomfort. I needed real pain. I craved agonizing pain that would reassure me I was real. Getting to my feet, I ran downstairs to get to the kitchen. Blindly I rummaged the room like a barbarian; in the same manner someone would fight to the surface of a pool, desperate to breath. Finally I came in contact with a knife. I wasn't sure what kind, I was just aware it was a knife. I had never had to succumb to objects before. Usual my nails would help me if I scratched hard enough. Not then, though. I was practically begging to God for some form of relief.

Taking the cold blade to my wrist, my hand shook. I knew what I was doing was wrong. That I could really hurt or kill myself if I wasn't careful. I don't know how, I don't even know why, but some how I managed to drop the knife without inflicting it upon my body. I dropped it with a clank as it fell on the tiled kitchen floor. I just couldn't do it; not even when I was passed gone. Searching without the knife, I still knew I needed something. Anything. But I came up short and more frustrated than before. Again I clawed my nails down my arms, until I felt my nails come back down on a wet surface. I had finally drawn blood but it wasn't enough. It never was. Tugging at my hair, I tried to pull the strands out, scratching my face and hitting myself on the head with my fist. Screaming, crying, agony. That's all there was left inside of me. I felt hollow and empty.

On the kitchen floor I lay in a pool of my own tears and blood, red eyed and faced scratched, bleeding marks from my own fingernails cut open on my forearm. I was hysterical. The darkness wouldn't go away. I wondered if this was what death would be like. Just complete darkness; a hollow void in space. That would be Hell. I was already living in my own personal Hell. I wondered what I had done just exactly to make God so angry at me.

❤❤ ❤ Frank❤ ❤ ❤

When I pulled up into the drive way, I could already feel that something in the air was off. I don't know how to exactly explain it, call it intuition I guess, but the hairs sticking up on the back of my neck weren't from the slight chill in the Jersey air. Matt climbed out of the car along side me. It was only Wednesday but the week had been horrible and I was already done with it. Plus Gee hadn't been himself and I was worried. I felt helpless. He was just sad all the time, I don't think he'd smiled once. And if he had, it had been fake. He was tired and lethargic and apathetic. Almost zombie like. Whenever I tried to get him to talk though, he wouldn't budge. I felt as if I were pulling teeth. So today I was going to try and see if he wanted to go out and get coffee. Anything to get him out of the house and moving. But I had a bad feeling about everything. Going out with Gerard, going inside the house. It was all just very unsettling; knots of discomfort twisted in my stomach.

“C'mon, Matt!” I yelled over my shoulder. He was lagging behind, face buried in his phone screen, probably texting his new girlfriend Melanie.

“Yeah, yeah...coming.” He muttered slowly. I rolled my eyes, sticking the house keys into their lock and pushing the front door open.

Immediately, once the door opened way, breaking the barrier from outside to inside, I heard a blood curdling scream accompanied with sobbing. Freezing and tensing, I could feel Matt do the same. We both stopped in our tracks. I knew it was Gerard. It had to be. After a second of nothing, I snapped back into reality and ran to the source of the noise, Matt hot on my heels.

“Gerard!” I shouted, my voice wobbling from how scared I felt.

“GERARD!” I yelled again, Matt echoing me.

Heart hammering and aching in my chest, I flew into the kitchen. However the sight before truly had me stop in my tracks, causing Matt to fly into my back, not expecting the stop. Gerard lay on the floor, blood dripping down his arms and under his fingernails, howling and screaming in pain. His face was red and scrunched up, weird gurgling noises coming out of his throat. The first thing that came to my mind was something like he was possessed. He just kept clawing at his scratches, not allowing them to stop bleeding. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed a butcher knife. My heart stopped its pounding for a split second, then ran into overdrive. Snapping my eyes back onto Gerard I searched him for any signs of intense bleeding, trying to see if he'd stabbed or cut himself. Taking action for a second time in less than three minutes, I crouched down next to him very very carefully.

The marks on his arms and face weren't from a knife or blade or anything like that nature. Just pure nails scratches. I knew what the other looked like, I was familiar with them, and those were not it. They were sloppy and jagged. Blades are more clean and precise in their cutting. Nails, I never knew could be so damaging though, but Gerard just kept digging, removing more and more layers of flesh. I couldn't understand how he could ignore that kind of pain and manually inflict it upon himself. Even blades were quick slices and you're done. Gerard was intentionally scrapping away skin and blood repeatedly, just grossly sobbing and mumbling to himself on the floor. Kicking the butcher knife away, I turned to Matt who was still standing, starring wide eyed at Gerard, cell clenched in his fist.

“Matt!” I yelled, making him jump from his trance. Sharply his green eyes, filled with shock and concern, landed on me. “Call 911 then call your Mom.” I ordered. Numbly he nodded his head, and unlocked his phone. Turning back to Gerard, he hadn't even taken notice of us.

“Oh, baby.” I whispered, feeling suddenly very overwhelmed. I really had no idea what to do or how to make him stop. Thinking quick, I did all I could do. I grabbed Gerard's wrists, attempting to stop him from mauling himself. The moment I got a grip on him though, his screaming got just that much louder, piercing in my ears. Thrashing about, I had to firmly grip his boney wrist, afraid I'd hurt or bruise him, but at that moment I didn't have a choice. He was hurting himself more than I was and that's how I had to think to myself.

“...Gerard Way. 18645 West Belleville Lane...” I heard Matt faintly speak over the phone, past all Gerard's screaming. “Yes, he's blind. And he's bi polar...”

Unlike the last time Gerard had one of his episodes I didn't have Susan, Sarah, and Matt all to help me keep him contained. I was all alone in trying to keep him from hurting himself. Maintaining a tight hold on his wrist, I maneuvered myself over on top of Gerard, straddling his hips. Pressing my whole weight in, I felt like I was going to crush him, but at the same time he was still fighting me.

“Please, Gee. Baby, I need you to calm down.” I begged of him, although I knew it wouldn't help any. He was too far gone. He needed medication, but I couldn't let him go and Matt was on the phone. I'd just have to wait for the ambulance to get here. I still had to try, though.

“Shh.” I attempted to sooth, while still having my own self shaking and sweating. “ Gee, honey. Shh. Just breathe.” I instructed. “I know it hurts, I know it. But please, you have to calm down for me.”

“Mom? It's Gerard...”

“In and out.” I gently spoke, inhaling and exhaling dramatically. Gerard still thrashed around, beginning to whimper.

“...He's out of control. Frank can't get him to calm down.”

“I love you, honey. I know it hurts right now. I do. But it's going to be okay.” I leaned down to whisper in his ear, although Gerard jerked away from me and let out a particularly loud screech.

“I don't know! We just came home from school and he was carving into himself with his fingernails...”

“Remember to breath. This is all going to be over with, I promise.” I murmured, paying no mind to him wiggling under me, trying to throw me off of him.

This went on for a good ten minutes, before we heard sirens approach the house. Relief swept over me for a split second, but then Gerard found some new lost energy and thrashed around almost succeeding in throwing me off that time. Matt was still on the phone with Susan when the paramedics bustled their way inside; marching into the kitchen. They didn't even blink at the sight before them. A kid, bloody and thrashing around on the floor like a wild animal and another on top of him, trying to hold him down, while yet another kid stood to the side crying on the phone. They just split into action ordering each other around.

“You get the stretcher!”

“You get the sedative!”

“You get the kid!”

“Be careful!”

“Don't scare him!” etc.

“Hey kid, I'm going to take his wrist,” I paramedic muttered to me. I nodded. “Then you can let go.” I did as he said and when he took his big hands over mine, I let go.

“I've got his ankles.” A man announced behind me.

“You can get off him now. Go easy.” The first paramedic instructed me. Hesitantly I nodded. I mean I knew these men knew what they were doing, it was their job. But this was my boyfriend. I didn't want them to hurt him or scare him. Did they know he couldn't see? Did they know he got frightened when he woke up alone? Were they going to leave him to wake up alone? That could cause a whole other episode!

“O-Okay.” I stammered, slowly crawling off Gerard. Standing to my feet, I watched as a third paramedic take hold of Gee's arm, careful of his mauled skin, and stuck a needle into his vein artfully. Within seconds, I saw Gerard gradually stop his movements and the all together go unconscience.

Everyone let of a soft sigh of relief. Paramedics then moved around the room quickly, transferring Gerard from the floor to a gurney. Hooking an IV in him and attaching him to a oxygen mask. It all seemed very technical and I was afraid of getting in the way.

“Alright, lets get him in the ambulance and to the hospital.” The first paramedic spoke.

“C-Can I come?” I wondered apprehensively.

“Me too!” Matt jumped in, now off the phone with his Mom.

“Are you two related to him?” One of them asked.

“I'm his step-brother, this is his brother.” I replied, using the term step-brother begrudgingly but not having the time to wallow over it.

“Only one can go.” They informed. I sighed. I desperately wanted to go with Gee but I knew Matt should go instead.

“You go.” Matt offered, nudging my shoulder.

“You sure?” I pressed, in shock.

“Yeah. I'll wait for Sarah to get home. She'll take us.” He replied cooly wearing a tired smile.

“Okay, you're the best Matte!” I thanked, giving him a quick side hug then followed the paramedics to the ambulance outside. Skillfully they moved the stretcher in the to back entrance with ease and grace.

“I've got my cell if you need anything or if anything happens.” I shouted to Matt, who was standing nearby the front door.

“Yeah, okay.” He nodded leaning against the house wall. With that, I turned around facing the ambulance and crawled in to sit on a bench beside Gee and hold his hand the whole ride to the hospital.

Notes

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa or whatever it is that you celebrate. Or even if you don't celebrate the holidays I hope you have a nice day because you deserve it for putting up with all this holiday madness.
Here's my holiday gift to you. A sad update....Subscribe, vote, and comment if you'd like.