Just Think Happy Thoughts

It was the best and worst present I could ever get. It made me love him more if that was even possible, but at the same time I hated him for it because I didn't want to feel that way. I didn't think one could ever be good, a cover of one of my dad's songs, by anyone. I've heard a countless amount of covers, never of that song, and there was never one I actually liked. I laid on my bed replaying it over and over and over again, tears rolling down my face. I sang in soft whispers along with it, staring around at the walls of posters that had become a watery blur.

"Kaaaai!" Aden's voice called from the hallway. The door pushed open and in stepped Jade and Aden. "Hey, we're finished in the kitchen so come on let's go do something fu... Kai?" When I noticed they were hovering over me, staring and listening to my whispers, I stopped and sat up.

"You're a mess. What are you listening to? What is that in your hand?" Jade asked as she tried to grab the letter from me but I snatched my hand away before she could get it.

"What is this crap! Turn it off! No one should ever cover an Ashes song unless they've gained some respect in the music industry themselves. Who is that?" Aden asked, clasping his hand over his ears. I sat on my bed, glaring at him like I could rip his head off any second. His words were maleficent.

"Actually, this sounds pretty good" Jade commented, elbowing Aden in the ribs, which caused him to return a vindictive look. He turned his gaze to me, now taking notice of the malicious stare I was giving him and a frown formed upon his lips.

“Hey Kai, I didn’t really mean that. I-”


“Save it” I interrupted him. I didn’t feel like hearing the bullshit that was about to come out of his mouth. He sighed in defeat.

“That paper, in your hand, can we see it?” Jade asked again. I sighed and handed it to her. They read it together, Jade’s face lighting up in surprise and Aden’s burning with disgust.

“Heh. Who does this asshole think he is anyway? He’s just playing with your heart Kairi” Aden grunted, crossing his arms.

“Well, I think this is the sweetest thing ever. Kai, you should go talk to him. I don’t know, about what you told us yesterday. What if it was a misunderstanding of some sort? I mean, how could a guy that wrote this and did all this for you, not care about you?” Jade reasoned. She took a seat next to me on my bed.

“Well I think it’s just another ploy for Kai’s connections” Aden added. “I’m sorry Kai, I don’t want to make you upset. I’m just looking out for you.”

“You’re both on two completely different sides of the spectrum and I’m in the middle. I don’t know which is right” I sighed, falling back onto my bed. Aden sat on the other side of me and played with my hair.

“Just talk to him Kai. Best way to settle this. I say you should have done that in the first place” Jade suggested. Aden opened his mouth to speak again, but Jade chucked a pillow at his face. “And you shut up. We don’t need another one of your snarky comments just because you’re jealous.”

“I should have. I would have. I guess my anxiety kind of just took control at that point. I feared the worst. I still do” I explained to her. “As for Aden, jealous? You know you’ll always be my best friend, right?” Jade started to laugh, almost maniacally. Aden had his arms crossed again and was shaking his head. I looked back and forth between both of them. I was puzzled, to say the least.

“Oh, Kairi. You’re so naive. I still love you” Jade told me. I shrugged, still unsure of the situation.

“Jade, can you not right now” Aden spat. He got up from the bed and turned his back to us. “Do whatever you want Kai. I’ll support you, no matter what.”

“Mhm” Jade agreed, affirming it with a nod of her head.

“Okay then. I’m going over to Gerard’s. They should all be there. I think it’s best I go alone though. Do you guys mind?” I asked. They responded by shaking their heads ‘no’. “Okay well I’ll just get my things and be on my way.”

I ran into the bathroom to fix myself up while they went downstairs to the living room. I had to clean the tear stains from my face and fix my makeup if I was about to face Frank for the first time in two weeks. It had only been two weeks, but it felt so much longer than that. Again, it crossed my mind to take one of my pills. I shook it off and continued to get ready. My anxiety was high, but I couldn’t be an emotionless zombie for this confrontation. I had to be able to feel through this.

After I was done fixing up in the bathroom, I made my way downstairs and grabbed my fluffy black coat from the closet near the front door and threw it on, zipping it all the way up. I decided it was best to put on my scarf and gloves as well. The house was right down the street but it was snowing a lot. I peered over to the couch where Jade and Aden were sitting watching something on tv. They both turned their heads in my direction.

“Hey, good luck” Jade said, as I turned to the door and opened it to leave.

“Thanks, I-” I started to say, but was interrupted when a hand pushed the slightly opened door shut. “Aden, what are you doing?”

“Well, maybe this isn’t a good idea right now. It’s Christmas” he said. “You don’t need to make it any shittier for yourself.”

“Aden, you said yourself just before you would support Kai no matter what. Are you going back on that? Besides, we don’t know how things will turn out” Jade defended. He sighed and went to grab his coat from the couch.

“Fine. But I’m coming” he said, walking back over to me and pulling his coat over his sweater. I shook my head no and went to open the door again, hesitating when Aden repeated “I’m coming.” Suddenly, Jade was at the door with us. She took Aden’s arm and yanked him away towards the couch.

“Aden. Shut the hell up. You’re staying here. Kai, go ahead. I can handle him” she assured me. I thanked her with a smile and walked out.

It was a winter wonderland. There was at least a foot of snow on the ground already and it was still coming down pretty hard. It was bitter cold, the layers I had on didn’t seem to help much. The icy wind whipped in my face as I trudged through the snow to Gerard’s house. I walked up the porch stairs and peered into the window, a wave of nostalgia hitting me.They were all there. Gerard, Mikey, Frank, and unfortunately Jamia. But, there was someone else too. I couldn’t recognize who because his face was turned towards the other direction. I lifted my hand to knock on the door when suddenly the face turned towards me and in shock I let out a yelp and turned so fast, I face planted right into the snow. What the fuck was Matt doing there? There was no way I could go in there, I had to get away. But before I could even get up it was too late.

“Kairi? Is that you?” Frank asked. I tried to lift myself up only falling back into place. I was shaking, and not just because I was freezing. Frank walked over to me and put his hand out. I was hesitant, but I grabbed it and he helped me up. “You okay?”

“I… I shouldn’t have come” I said, turning to walk away but I was pulled back by Frank.

“You came here for a reason. Come on, come inside and we can talk” he suggested. I yanked my arm from him.

“No! No! I’m not going in there! I’m not going in there! You can’t make me!” I screamed. I was spiraling out of control, my anxiety clearly taking over. The rest of them were watching from the doorway. If they didn’t think I was crazy before, well they did now. Frank grabbed me by the shoulders and looked straight into my eyes with his beloved hazel ones.

“Hey. Calm down. Calm down. We don’t have to go inside. Hold on. Stay here. I’ll be right back” he said and then disappeared inside. The others were still there, staring, whispering. It was almost like the first day of class, walking in, eyes on me, everyone judging me. And then one of them spoke up.

“Hey Kai…” Gerard said, softly, as to not startle me anymore than I already was. I looked at him, but I couldn’t say anything. I was shaking, I was too afraid to say anything, especially when lurking behind him was a figure I couldn’t be more terrified of. Gerard looked dejected, like the first time I saw him that day in art class. I wanted to cry, but I fought it, and it only made me feel worse. I had to turn away. I couldn’t look at any of them, not right now. That’s when Frank returned, ready to take on a storm.

“Back to your house or?” Frank asked, not sure as to where we were headed or what the hell we were even doing.

“Let’s just walk” I said, taking the first step to nowhere. I need to calm down, and for that to happen I had to get away from there.

“It’s pretty cold out here. You look like you’re freezing are you sure that’s a-”

“Let’s just walk” I repeated. He followed beside me, giving in. We walked for a while, not saying a word. He would glance at me now and again, trying to figure out what was happening. I didn’t even know.

“Hey. We’ve been out here for a while now. You gonna tell me what’s up?” He asked me. I said nothing. I stopped and stared into the vast white in the distance. It was like looking into infinity. I was still anxious, but much calmer than before. He sighed and took off his own scarf, wrapping it around me. I snapped from my trance and gasped at the gesture, looking up at him.

“I got your present” I finally said. It’s not what I wanted to say, but at least I was talking.

“It was a stupid idea. I shouldn’t have done it. I’m sorry if it-”

“I loved it” I said. I didn’t want to say that either. I was supposed to hate him and everything he did. I tried to save myself. “I mean, I loved it, but that was really fucked up you know Frank, what you did to me.”

“Kai, what exactly did I do to you, because I don’t even know” Frank claimed, a sincere, baffling expression in his eyes. I cocked my head, returning the same expression.

“That text you sent to Jamia, I saw it. You don’t have to play dumb” I told him. He continued to look at me with the same expression, waiting for me to give more information. “You know, it went something along the lines of you cozying up to me so you could use me for my connections, which by the way, don’t have any, so you can forget about it.” He let out a small laugh and my heart fluttered, but my mind hated it. His laugh was adorable and I hated it. This was serious and he was laughing. “What the fuck Frank. This isn’t funny!”

“There’s no way I ever sent a message like that, Kai” he said, laughing again. He placed a hand only my shoulder and smiled at me. “Seriously, you would believe that?” I furrowed my brows at him and pulled away from his touch.

“Well Frank. I saw it. It was from your number, timestamped with the same date and the same time that Jamia had showed it to me. Explain that” I spat.

“Well thats simple. I can explain it in one word” he said. He turned the other way to head back towards home. I followed and waited for his response. He finally said “Jamia” like I would have known that was the answer all along.

“How is that an explanation Frank?” I asked, disappointed with his answer.

“I’m not sure myself, but it’s definitely got something to do with her. She’s deceitful, that one” he assured me, nonchalantly. I wondered where in the hell he had the right to say something like that when he had given her another chance.

“But Frank, that’s bullshit because you trusted her again” I argued. He stopped in front of my house and walked towards the stairs, taking a seat on the bottom one. I followed and sat next to him, the cold of the snow not bothering me much at the moment.

“I thought I could trust her again, but this just proves I can’t” he said. “Kai, why the fuck would I ever say something like that when I care so much about you. I remember that day. It hurt so bad when you pushed me to the ground like that and said you wished you never met me. I wasn’t going to just let you go though. So I tried to call you, but you… wait a minute.” He stopped to think for a minute.

“What?” I asked, a bit concerned. “Are you… okay?” I hated when people said those words to me yet here I was asking him. Why was I even worried.

“I’m fine, but I think I just caught that bitch red-handed” he responded. It seemed he had come to an epiphany. “When I went to try and call you, I couldn’t find my phone. I was sure I had it earlier, but I thought maybe I’d left it at home. Jamia tagged along to help me find it. We went back to my house where a few minutes later, what do you know? Fucking Jamia found my phone. I bet she had it the whole time. Not as deceitful as she thinks that conniving little.. I’m gonna go over there and fucking, ugh. JAMIA!” Frank got up and started back towards Gerard’s house. I went after him.

“Wait a minute! Frank!” I grabbed him and pulled him against me, breathing in the scent of coconut I was so familiar with. He put his arms around me, returning the gesture, and then pulled away and smiled.

“What was that for?” he asked, still smiling, his smile as beautiful, maybe even more beautiful than ever.

“I’m sorry.”

It was a twisted situation. A misunderstanding, of course. I trusted what he said, and I probably would have two weeks ago if I had given him the chance to explain. I was stupid, I admitted.. I shouldn’t have trusted Jamia, even for a second. I let her get the better of me and I let them all down. I wasn’t going to let that happen again, let someone get in between all of us. I hoped we could all be friends again and then maybe I would be okay again.

“You know, this was all I wanted for Christmas” Frank confessed in a soft tone, still smiling. And then he pulled me back into his arms.

Notes

Let me say that I'm sorry for going MIA for a while there. I've been dealing with my own anxiety and I've been busy with work, my dog has been sick and I'm also in the process of moving. Oh and I also went on vacation. Had way too much going on for a while there. Still in the process of moving and dealing with myself. I have to transfer to a different store for my job and that's really killing me. For now, I'm out of a job though, but when I start in 2 weeks my anxiety is going to be running high so I'm sorry if I disappear again. I'm going to try to write as much as I can before than though! Thanks to all who were patient and are still reading! :) -Cici<3