Just Think Happy Thoughts

Was it okay to open my eyes? I didn't know. The last thing I remembered was sitting on Frank's couch in his basement, watching his unnamed band's practice go on and then everything started to blur. I was terrified I'd open my eyes and see Matt's face.

"If she doesn't wake up soon I'm taking her to the hospital" I heard a familiar voice say. Realizing the voice belonged to Frank, I opened my eyes believing I was safe. I looked around and it became clear I was in Frank’s room, on his bed, again. Frank, Gerard and Mikey came into view, all of them distraught.

"She's awake!" Gerard exclaimed. He smiled and leaned in to ruffle my hair. "Kairi you scared us. Don't do that again!" I didn't have a clue what he was talking about. Frank stepped in a pulled me into a hug.

"What's going on?" I asked them, shocked by the sudden public display of affection from Frank.

"You don't remember Kai? You blacked out. You’ve been asleep for almost four hours“ Mikey told me, shaking his head in concern.

Before I could respond Frank jumped in. "Leave us alone for a minute guys."

"What. why?" Gerard asked, clearly annoyed.

"Just do it. Get out" Frank said in a stern voice. I was baffled at Frank's actions.

"You know. Me and Gee are just as concerned about Kai as you are Frank" Mikey grunted, as him and Gerard walked out of the room. Once they were out of sight, Frank looked at me, his face dropping.

“Kai, what happened?” he asked, softly. I stared at him blankly not knowing what to say. I tried to think about it, but my mind was still fuzzy. “You’re like a zombie. It’s like you’re… drugged up on something.”

My eyes shot wide open as I recalled what happened earlier that day. Frank had just invited me over to his band’s practice. I’d been saying no the past two weeks and I couldn’t say no again. I was too anxious and I panicked right before I left. The usual one pill I took turned into six. I didn’t even think about the consequences of my actions. I just knew it would help, and it did, kind of. I didn’t remember much from the practice at all. I remembered showing up but everything else was a blur.

“Why… would you say something like that?” I asked him, my voice quavering.

“Because it’s true isn’t it?” he inquired, a harsh look on his face. I stared at him in astonishment. I knew what he said was true but I couldn’t believe he actually said it. I turned my shoulder to him, not wanting to talk about it. “How many did you take?” When I didn’t answer he shook me. “Kai, please.” I finally turned to face him and noticed tears began to well up in his eyes. I gasped and then leaned my face against is chest.

“Only… six” I whispered the last part, against his chest. He grabbed my chin and lifted my head to look up at him.

“Only six? Were you trying to kill yourself!? What was going through your head? Why?” he gushed. A single tear slid down his face. My eyes stung as my own tears threatened to fall but I held them back. I couldn’t believe I made Frank Iero cry. That’s what hurt the most.

“That wasn’t my intention Frank, I swear. I was just so… shaken up. I didn’t think about it, it just happened. I’m sorry” I explained, tears now freely rolling down my face.

“Are you going to tell me why you did it? What made you so anxious?” he asked. I froze, not knowing what to tell him. I still couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ruin his band.

“Well, um…” I began. I tried to think of another lie but before I could say more he placed a finger to my lip.

“You don’t have to share right now. But you know, it’ll make you feel better if you do. I’d rather you not lie to me though, so tell me when your’e ready” he said, softly. He knew I was going to lie. He knew me too well. I was surprised he hadn’t found out for himself already.

“Okay…” is all I could say. I sighed in relief.

“Where are the pills?” he asked me in a more serious tone. I went to my bag and took them out.

“Right here” I said, rattling them in my hand. He snatched them from me without warning.

“Frank what are you doing! I need those!” I yelled at him. I tried grabbing them but he pulled his hand back.

“No. I’m not letting you die Kai. There’s so many more things we still need to do together so you’re not dying” he said, shoving the pills in his pocket. I sighed, knowing he wouldn’t give in.

“But Frank, what if I really need them” I whined.

“You don’t need them” he assured me, hugging me close to him again. I sunk into him. I knew I could handle most situations if Frank was around. He calmed me. But if he wasn’t around I was on my own. And Matt, forget it. I learned to ignore him at school but there was no way I could do it any other time.

“You know you can’t stop it forever. I can just get another prescription in a few days” I reminded him. I almost forgot that myself. Though, I didn’t know if I could live through those couple days without them.

“I’m just going to have to keep a close eye on you then” he smiled, his eyes now dry. He wiped the last tears from my eyes,. “Please, promise me you won’t ever do something like this again.”

“I promise Frankie, I promise” I said, smiling back at him. Before I knew it his face was only an inch away. His hazel eyes locked with mine. They flickered with something I’d never seen before. My heart rate sped up and chills ran down my spine. He moved closer almost brushing my lips when Gerard and Mikey burst through the door, causing us to tear away from each other with bright red faces.

“Did we… interrupt something?” Gerard smirked. He looked between me and Frank.

“No. Nothing” I managed to get out.

“Well, everything sorted?” Mikey asked. He was also smirking and adding to my discomfort.

“Everything will be okay” Frank replied, getting up from the bed and heading towards them. They started talking but I couldn’t interpret much as I was too zoned out and flustered, wondering what would have happened if Gerard and Mikey hadn’t bursted in. Suddenly I felt hands grab my shoulders and shake me and looked up to see Gerard.

“Kai! Kai! You coming or what?” he asked me. I shook my head to say yes not even knowing what he was talking about but followed them out of the room and downstairs anyway. We went to the living room where they put on a movie. I couldn’t even recall the name of it. I sat there quiet. I was trapped in my mind. A few hours ago I could have overdosed and killed myself but that didn’t seem to matter much anymore because my mind was lingering on the thought that a few minutes prior, Frank Iero might have actually tried to kiss me.

Notes

It seems rushed even though it took me long enough. Ugh. I tried, I'm sorry. -Cici