Just Think Happy Thoughts

One week later and everyone thought I was crazy, I was sure of it. I had left school that Monday, a person who didn't give a fuck. But every day after that I had a melt down after lunch. It was only to be expected because I didn't have any pills left. The rest of them went down the drain. Frank would harass me everyday about what was wrong but I wouldn't tell him. I couldn't take it anymore so I ended up skipping school. I would get my prescription in two days, but until then I wasn't going back to school. I was home, watching movies on the couch in the living room. I was alone, and that was all I wanted in that moment. But life hated me, and I never got what I wanted.

A knock on the door sounded and I jumped up in alarm. It was only one in the afternoon, so I didn't know who it could be. I went over to the door and peeked out the peep hole. When I saw who it was I backed up and hid away from the windows.

"You know Kai, I already saw you in there so you might as well open up" Frank stated, still knocking on the door. I sighed and walked over to the door, opening it slightly.

"What do you want Frank?" I droned through the crack in the door.

"I wanna know what's going on with you" he demanded, his concerned gaze fixed on me. I sighed and started to push the door shut only to have him push it back harder and force himself inside.

"What the hell Frank? Get out!" I yelled, trying to push him out of the door. I was beyond frustrated with him lately.

"No! Not until you tell me what's going on!" he yelled back. He firmly grabbed my arms to keep me from pushing him. Unexpectedly, his eyes widened in bewilderment. "Kai... these bruises... Where did you get these bruises?" I had almost forgotten about the bruises on my wrists, they were finally going away. I was internally panicking because I couldn't tell him the truth.

"Oh? These? I fell the other day" I lied. I looked away from his eyes. I hated lying, especially to Frank, and I felt like I did it so often. It wasn't my fault, I think. I mean if I did tell him the truth about my anxiety, and about what happened on Halloween, I felt like it would make a difference in the way he treated me. I didn't want that. Then again, Frank would stop annoying me about my problems. It's like I couldn't win either way.

"You fell? On both of your wrists?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeah you know me. I'm a little clumsy. I almost fell face first" I explained, laughing nervously at the end.

"Are you sure no one did this to you?" he asked, unconvinced with my story.

"What!? No! Nope! I fell, really!" I said nervously, pulling my arms away from him and turning to walk over to the couch.

"Right... Well tell me this. Those pills you take, what are they for?" he inquired, walking over to sit next to me on the couch.

"Pills?" I asked. I wasn't sure how he even knew about those. Then I remembered that Jamia saw me with them a week ago. I wouldn't be able to get out of this one.

"I know you take pills. Jamia saw you with them" he said. He scooted closer to me on the couch and then took me by surprise when he pulled me into a hug. "Kai, are you okay? Please tell me what's wrong." The butterflies I was getting, I hadn't felt in a while. I had been too frustrated with Frank to even think about him like that, but it's like his antics didn't even matter to me anymore. He was acting like the kind-hearted, empathetic Frank I knew. He was holding me again and I felt safe. I looked up at him and was instantly melting in his dazzling eyes. When he arrived they were a forest green, but they fluctuated to a brown with tinges of gold. I couldn't lie to those eyes.

"I have generalized anxiety disorder. That's what those pills are for" I explained to him, feeling some of the weight lift off of my shoulders. At the same time, I was nervous it would change things.

"Anxiety. Man I thought you were dying for a second" he admitted, sighing in relief. "You haven't had any pills since Jamia caused you to spill them?"

"She told you that?" I questioned, wondering why she thought she was the one who made me spill them.

"Well it's pretty obvious you don't like her. But she's worried about you too" he told me. I was exasperated at his words. I pulled away from him, crossing my arms.

"Right. Why would she be worried? She doesn't know me" I said, clearly frustrated again.

"Because she actually can be a good person, you just haven't given her a chance" Frank said, pulling me back into his arms. "Enough about her though. I'm still concerned. What is it about that class that gets you all freaked out? Does it have to do with your wrists? Are you sure you fell?" Frank was starting to piece things together so there was only one thing I could do. Tell the truth.

"Well..." I stopped talking when I heard his phone buzzing repeatedly. I looked over at it and then back at him.

"I'm not picking it up. Go on" he said, not bothering to even look at it.

"Someone's texting you off the hook, maybe you should look" I told him. He glanced over at the phone.

"It's only Matt" he said, glancing back over at me. I felt a shiver down my spine at the name.

"What does he want?" I asked. I didn't really care but I was prolonging the time to try and think of how I would tell everything to Frank in the moments ahead.

"We're supposed to jam after school. First jam session for our band. It's finally happening!" Frank exclaimed. His face showed as much excitement as the first time he held the Ashes to Ashes pick in his hand. Then it went sullen again. "I'm sorry. I'm a jerk. That was really insensitive. I shouldn't be happy at a time like this. You didn't finish what you were saying." And I couldn't finish what I was saying, not after that. He deserved to be happy. I couldn't tell him. It would destroy his friendship with Matt. It would destroy the band they finally got together. It would destroy his happiness and I couldn't do that. I had to lie to those eyes.

"I was just gonna say that my wrists have no correlation with what's going on. It's just my anxiety building up throughout the day and when it gets to that time it's too much. I told you, my wrists are from falling" I lied. I was becoming too good at that, lying. It was half true, though. I was okay with it because of that and most importantly because it would keep him happy.

"So you'll be okay then?" he asked, brushing the hair from my face and smiling. I smiled back, not a genuine smile, but a smile that would make him believe it was.

"Of course. And once I get my medication I'll be even better. I won't be crazy anymore" I told him.

"Kai you're not crazy. You're a beautiful person who has just gone through some shitty things in her life. But don't worry you have me and Gee and Mikey. We'll always be here for you. Mostly me" he said, laughing at himself. I rolled my eyes and joined him, genuinely laughing. I almost forgot how good it felt to be in just his company. How could I think that he would ever treat me differently. He was the only person I felt understood me. He always made me feel like I was soaring, even when things were as bad as they were. I just wished it could be like that forever.

"Thanks Frankie" I beamed, squeezing him as tight as I could.

"For what? I haven't done much" he said, squeezing me back.

"For skipping class to come and make me feel better" I said. He had a natural calming effect on me. He was the only drug I needed, really, but I couldn't tell him that. If only he needed me like I needed him.

"Oh no prob Kai" he replied, cheerfully. "Hey do you wanna come with me to the practice? It'll be at my house." The smile slipped from my face as I thought about it.

"Oh that's alright. Maybe next time" I responded. Frank and I snuggled up under a blanket on the couch for the rest of the afternoon, watching movies together. I was plagued by thoughts of being reacquainted with Matt. I knew there would come a time when I'd have to be around him again, but that wasn't going to be anytime soon. If I wanted to keep Frank happy though, I had to find a way to let it go.

Notes

Kai is okay for now. I'm sorry, I'm evil. Next chapter will probably be a shit show, like my life. Lol. - Cici