Kill This Venom From My Heart

After Gerard steps back into his room Mrs Way starts walking down the hall towards me and I decide I can't let it end like this so I step inside and take a few steps in before she says "No, you get out." "Please, just give me five minutes, even if he just breaks up with me I can't...." I trail off, tearing up and she sighs and says "Five minutes." I nod in thanks as I step past her and go to Gerard's door, stopping to wipe under my eyes before I open the door and step inside, closing it behind me and as I start walking down the stairs I hear Gerard call out "Mom, please" in a choked up voice and I can tell he's crying. I keep walking down until I see him laying on his bed, curled up with his back to me and he rolls over, sitting up and bringing his hand up to wipe under his eyes as he says "Get out." "Baby please" I plead, my voice cracking and I start crying again too, the roses hanging down by my side as I stand on the bottom step and we stare at each other. "You told me you weren't a cheater and then you went and....." "I was drugged." Gerard stares at me with his mouth open for a few seconds before he snaps it shut and says "Yeah right, I don't care what your excuse is I just...." "I'm telling the truth. Jamia made my coffee while I was talking to you that night, you have to know I would never do that to you." Gerard remains silent, looking torn as we stare at each other for a few long seconds before I break the silence by saying "You've known me for a long time now, you know how hard it is for me to open up and trust people and you know how I feel about cheating. You have to know deep down that I would never do that to you willingly. Honestly I don't even know what happened that night, I've tried so hard to remember so I could atleast know but I don't remember a thing, I just remember waking up the next morning with the worlds worst hang over and a hickey on my thigh. I love you Gerard and it takes a lot for me to be able to say those words to you and allow myself to feel that way. I love you." Gerard's bottom lip quivers as he swallows hard before saying "I can't do this." I feel the last little part of my heart that had been holding out hope for us shatter, my stomach dropping as I breathe out "Oh." I take a shaky breath, feeling right on the edge of a complete breakdown and my stomach churns painfully as I bend down and gently lay the roses on the bottom step beside my feet before I stand back up, taking one last look at Gerard sitting on his bed watching me and I turn around, walking back up the stairs and down the hallway towards the front door, passing Mrs Way in the doorway to the kitchen as I go, my vision so blurred by tears I can barely see where I'm going as I step outside and pull their front door closed behind me.

I walk a block away from Gerard's house, finding myself in the park we once came to together and I sit on a swing as I pull my cigarettes from my pocket, chain smoking four as I gently rock back and forth and cry silently before I call for a cab, heading back to the hotel. Once I'm in my room I walk straight over to the bed and collapse face down, burying my face in the pillow and I briefly wonder how long it would take for me to suffocate if I left my face where it is and whether it would be slow and painful or would it be like falling asleep. What seems like hours pass, the light coming through the gap in the curtains fading to darkness when my phone buzzes in my pocket and I pull it out to see a message from Bob. 'Hey Frankie how did it go?' I feel my chest throb where my heart used to be and I drop the phone on the bed, not being able to respond just yet and I roll over so my back is to it, closing my eyes again and I'm almost asleep when a knock at the door sounds and I frown as I wonder who it could be, hoping it's not a stalker fan who saw me before and I grab a second pillow off the bed beside me and hold it over my head deciding to just ignore whoever it is because I know it won't be the only person I want it to be.

Notes

Please don't hate me....