Lainey's POV
Saturday, Emerald Hill Park

My lips were pressed into a thin line as I listened to the multiple conversations going on in the back of the car, noisy and chaotic.

This reminds me of the dining hall at Rosehill.

Come dinner time everybody would be talking as if they've got something they want to share with the entire room. I could say it was strangely comforting considering where the ride was meant to stop; kinda crazy but familiar and welcomed.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't feeling nervous, to be perfectly honest I was terrified and could feel my heart beating a million miles an hour in my chest, like banging on a drum and it wasn't pleasant in any sense of the word. Saturday had come and it was the night of the Red Radio Awards, I'd gone shopping for something to wear with Bree and was properly kitted up, Summer was wearing a dress and with a bit of difficulty a pair of shoes, socks included. The limousine had just pulled away after picking up Nate, the lead singer of All The Cool Kids. Everyone had finally been collected and we were on our way to the ceremony, on time.

Because my brother's band all lived in the same area and I was Dale's guest we'd ended up in one long limo. It was loud, to say the least, five guys pumping themselves up to play for an award ceremony and an excitable three year old made a lot of noise - a lot - and the only people not talking at the tops of their lungs were me, April and the chauffeur.

"I dropped Wumpy!" Summer called out loudly when her toy turtle fell to the ground and I reached down to pick it up for her. She was the only one in the car restricted to one spot - that being a child seat - and she was fairly irritable because of it but that didn't stop Sunny from giving me a big grin when I gave her the plush toy back. "Thank you," she replied brightly and I smiled, feeling somewhat proud of myself for having taught her to be polite despite my own - at times - atrocious behavior.

"Lainey, you're looking nice tonight," Nate commented as he looked at me, this being the first time he noticed that I was actually here.

"Same to you, you're really rocking that bow tie." Out of all the guys in the band, Rick, Carson, Cory, Dale and Nate, it had been Nathaniel who was last on my list for wearing a pineapple bow tie and suspenders but I wasn't going to be the one to judge him for it.

"It's wonderful isn't it?" He asked, laughing to himself and leaning back on the bench seat, pushing his hair out of his face to see properly.

"So what's your set for tonight?" April wondered, looking up from the tattoo sketchbook in her lap and closing the cover. She hadn't been talking much tonight so I'd made the pretty obvious assumption that she was working on the tattoos she had lined up, from what I'd heard she'd ended up with a list of over twenty people to ink at the official after party.

"Just a couple of popular ones," Dale said, putting his arm around April as he talked. "Smoke Blast and Sharp Illusion. If we win song of the year then we'll play Dense." I really didn't get how they acted as if it were no big deal for them to be nominated for five different awards; I think they were more excited about going to the after party than anything else.

Although I had to admit they were kinda amped about the Song of the Year award since the band who won also got the honor of finishing up the awards with the winning song and among all the competitive bands it was a big, big deal.

"We're gonna win this time, I know it," Carson chimed in, sticking to his usually positive personality. He was the drummer of ATCK and a complete and utter optimist, he didn't just see the glass half full, he saw the glass completely full. He also happened to say the same thing about any award they were up to win and even when they lost he'd always place his bets on winning next year.

"Well I do have to admit, Dense is a good song," I told him. I'd been with the band when they wrote the lyrics, I watched and listened to the whole thing, saw them creating it from scratch and I had to say I was definitely impressed. Then again it was probably the fact that they could do it while I couldn't that really impressed me, yeah I could fake my way through a song and knew how to strum some easy stuff on the guitar but I was certainly no virtuoso.

"There's no way we can lose. It's been a damn good year for us, we've won nearly everything we got nominated for." Rick wasn't wrong with that one, they all had their own best vocalist/bassist/drummer/whatever award now. They'd missed out on best live band and they'd been passed over for best music video but they were doing a good job and hadn't lost spirit.

I could feel the limousine begin to slow and turned around where I sat, looking out the heavily tinted windows at the scene outside the car. There were a fucklot of people; fans, cameramen and interviewers alike, not to mention the countless musicians I recognized some because I'd seen them on the Internet knew their music. Others that I'd actually met in real life while visiting Dale and April, they liked to have their friends over to hang out a lot of the time; I don't think their house was ever without some guest.

Holy shit, is that Vic?

For a second I was unable to bring my eyebrows down from my hairline, despite this being a music awards night it had completely went over my head that Pierce The Veil might be here, it made perfect sense considering they were pretty big.

Wait a second, if Pierce The Veil is here then does that mean there's a chance...

"Lainey, are you coming?" April asked and I snapped back into the moment, quickly realizing the time I was wasting and leaning over to get Summer out of her seat. I can't afford to zone out right now, I've got to be in the here and now because here are cameras everywhere ready to make fun of Dale's not quite there little sister.

"Of course, just hang on." I undid the buckles holding Sunny in and sat her on my lap, letting the band get out of the limo first since they were the famous ones and that's how it worked. Technically April should be getting out at the same time, she's one more notch on the fame belt away from getting her own reality show about tattoos.

"Dale, you take your girl. I'll walk with Lainey and Summer," Nate said, staying in the car a few spaces away from me as the door opened and the guys began the climb out. It was nice of him to make the suggestion, Dale and April were engaged after all and the magazines would want plenty of photos of ATCK's bassist and the newest up and coming tattoo artist. An article about that would make itself right at home in Rock Sound or Kerrang.

"Sure, man?" Dale asked, lingering for a moment.

"Yeah it's no problem and Lainey would probably feel like she was third wheeling it anyway." I wasn't going to say Nate was wrong there, if I had to trail my brother and April up the rolled out carpet then I'd feel damn uncomfortable.

"Thanks," I mumbled quietly to Nate over Summer's head and he smiled back before standing in a crouch and walking towards the door, climbing out with the sounds of girls screaming echoing his arrival. Maybe I shouldn't have agreed to come along as a guest, this is kinda weird about this and I'm not sure that I'm ready to be surrounded by all the people I can see flipping the fuck out for All The Cool Kids.

Nate leaned back into the car, a pleasant smile still on his face that made me feel a bit more reassured about my decision to attend. "Come on, let's go." Managing to keep Summer in my arms I climbed out of the car, Nate holding his hand out to steady me when I began to wobble in my heels.

Sunny was on my hip, clinging onto me tightly and I held onto her just as tight as I took the first few steps down the red carpet, keeping my arm tucked into Nathaniel's to make sure the heels I was not used to moving in didn't trip me up.

"There's a lot a people," I muttered under my breath, my eyelids fluttering when I accidentally caught the flash from a camera.

"Don't even worry about them. Smile big, act brave, walk proud. That's what I do," Nate told me, leaning down and speaking quietly enough for only me to hear him, even Summer didn't react; then again she seemed pretty amazed and distracted by the huge crowd, I could understand exactly where she was coming from.

I could see my brother, already a quarter of the way down the carpet, leaning over the railing and hugging fans, signing things from them, smiling and chatting, taking this nearly overwhelming atmosphere in like it was no big deal. I don't know how Dale handles this so well, maybe he's better at his job than I thought he was.

All of this is completely crazy.

~~~

I'd been sitting down watching the awards ceremony for nearly three hours now and the event was slowly heading for a close. All The Cool Kids had walked away with the Best Band of the Year and Best Anthem for Sharp Illusion and all in all it seemed like everybody here had a good time; even the ever babbling Sunny hadn't fussed or complained once tonight.

The best part was that I ended up enjoying myself even more than I thought I would, after enough time on the red carpet I'd relaxed and found myself smiling comfortably. I'd chatted with a couple of different musicians I knew and didn't know, found my balance and avoided falling over plus I've kept anything stupid I've wanted to say to myself.
No self humiliation is a definite bonus in my book.

I probably would have appreciated feeling confident from the start though.

"Okay folks, we've finally reached that time of the night. Half of you are done with the formalities and ready to go party and the other half of you are on the edge of your seats. It's Song of the Year time." It was Vic Fuentes standing onstage in a suit and tie with Kellin Quinn, more or less ready to announce the winning band who got to close up the whole shebang.

Vic was there to represent Pierce The Veil who had gotten a trophy for making it ten years in the business and because of his veteran status in an event filled with newbies he'd gotten to host the event with the various musicians that came out to announce the awards. Kellin was here because he'd won best vocalist and was now taking a shot at making the biggest announcement of the night.

Kellin opened the envelop, "and the winner for Best Song of the Year is...drumroll please." Vic drummed his hands quickly on the podium in front of them. The built in microphone picked up the sound and carried the noise over the audience.

Instead of reading it out loud Kellin turned the card towards Vic and let him do the honors. "The winner is...whoa. Everybody make some noise for my boys in My Chemical Romance winners of Song of the Year with I Don't Love You!" I felt like my stomach dropped out the bottom of my seat.

My Chemical Romance are here?
Like right here, right now?

At first my eyes went to Dale who was sitting to the right of me. He looked exactly as I expected, eyes bugging out in shock, possibly offended that My Chemical Romance had won instead of All The Cool Kids. I don't even think it was them not getting the award that horrified him, it was undoubtedly the fact that the lead singer was someone Dale openly loathed and still held a grudge against despite having never said more than fifty words to him.

I quickly looked around me and as soon as I turned I saw the five men, all clad in formal wear - with the exception of the shortest out of the group - walking towards the stage, accepting high fives from different bands en route. At first I thought I could handle it, the place was big and I could easily avoid running into them by leaving as soon as the ceremony was over but then my eyes stopped on Gerard and I felt my heart skip a beat.

Four years, four years have gone by and I still feel the exact same way I did back at Rosehill Academy. In an instant I was a sixteen again, standing in the middle of a church after arriving at a new school, wearing ugly school clothes and meeting the oh-so-charming Father Way for the first time.
This is a flashback I didn't care to have.

"Thank you so much, thank you to all the people who voted for us. You are amazing, every single one of you. Thank you to the people who gave a shitty little band that played in unknown clubs a chance. Just thank you, we haven't got enough words to express our gratitude but Red Radio Awards, we may have only gotten one trophy tonight but you've made our year." Gerard didn't say much and left his speech short and sweet instead of going for something that would have people's eyes rolling back in their heads out of boredom but I was so deep in shock I couldn't have cared less if he gave a monologue on endanger pandas.

My mouth wouldn't properly close and the thundering in my heart simply refused to stop.
I'd thought I'd changed so much, I thought I'd grown up and started a life, that I was somebody new and different and better but in the space of a minute I couldn't have been proven more wrong. It was a rush of what the fuck straight to the heart.

As soon as this is over I need to leave, I feel bad enough as it is, I can't risk what running into Gerard might do to me. Not to mention I could see Summer's eyes all but falling out of her head. She wasn't a stupid kid, she knew she liked My Chemical Romance and she knew it was the people on the radio she was watching disappear backstage to set up for their award night closing performance.

April was nowhere in sight, likely setting up her after party tattoo parlor; good thing too because I'd kill her if she were anywhere nearby. She should have fucking known they were coming here, I mean she knows who Gerard's dating, there's no way on earth she simply forgot that My Chemical Romance was playing here, especially after bringing them up earlier this week.

Vic stood in front of the podium for a moment, waiting for the post-speech applause to die down before speaking into the microphone.

"It has been great that we managed to get everyone out here this year, getting their awards in person. So you've seen your winners and I'm sure you're all eager to get to your parties. Band people, am-I-right?" Only a part of me was listening to the closing speech, most of my brain was in a entirely different world of shock and confusion.

As soon as Vic moved out of the way Kellin took his turn to speak, "And to all of you people watching at home thank you for voting for all these wonderful performers but you better get some tickets for next time because this something that needs to be seen first hand. Finally to the fans who were able to make it here, thank you and we all hope to see you next year, supporting your favorite bands. This has been the Red Radio Awards, goodnight!" Vic and Kellin ran off the stage leaving it empty for the performance about to begin.

The curtain separating the front of the stage from the back began to lift, the sole sound of a guitar opening the song. This is my cue to leave and it's mostly dark out here, nobody would even notice anyway and I know Dale isn't going to stop me.

"Sunny, we have to go now," I told my daughter and she looked up at me with her green eyes wide. "We'll get something really nice for dinner," I added, knowing I only had to say one wrong word to trigger a public meltdown that could draw way more attention than I wanted or needed.

"But the radio man," she said, looking towards the stage where Gerard was standing front and centre with a microphone in hand as the opening riff to the song continued to play, further riling up the fans who had been able to afford tickets to the event.

"I know, sweet pea. But we have to go now, you need to get some sleep if you want to see Iris tomorrow." Summer pouted, her bottom lip sticking out and quivering, making me feel like shit for trying to convince her. I didn't want to ruin her good time, I simply couldn't stand listening to My Chemical Romance; I wouldn't be able to dear with hearing them live or seeing Gerard sing or any of it.

The wounds I thought closed up were much fresher than I thought.

"Well, when you go. Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay. And maybe when you get back I'll be off to find another way. And after all this time that you still owe, you're still the good-for-nothing I don't know. So take your gloves and get out. Better get out. While you can." As soon as I heard him singing the pounding in my heart turned into an ache and tears began to prick at my eyes, threatening to turn me into the sound of sobbing on legs.

I can't do this, no, I refuse to put myself through this.

"I'm sorry, Sunny. We have to leave," I said to Summer before turning to Dale who looked like he was having a minor fit watching Gerard. Yeah, he's never changing his mind on him. "Sunny and I have to leave but I'll come by for dinner tomorrow, okay?" Dale only needed to take one look at me to understand why I was hurrying away and he nodded, giving me a smile as if to say 'it'll be alright'.

"When you go, would you even turn to say 'I don't love you, like I did, yesterday'? Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading. So sick and tired of all the needless beating. But baby when they knock you down and out. It's where you oughta stay." I was given a small miracle and Sunny didn't whine or cry as I stood up and tried to as quietly as possible hurry out of the RRA's. I didn't even know where I was going so long as it was able to get me out of earshot of this music.

"Mommy, why do you look sad?" Summer asked me as I moved around guests, some of them looking entertained by the performance, others appearing indifferent.

"I'm not sad you silly pumpkin, I'm happy, see?" I smiled at Sunny as brightly as I was able in the moment before focusing back on my path out of here.

In truth, no, no I wasn't happy. It felt like my heart was breaking in two all over again and if I could have sold my soul and been magically taken out of this scenario then I would have probably offered it up on a silver platter because even if I might be wrong I felt like this song was directed at me.
It didn't feel or sound like Gerard was singing some run of the mill post-breakup bullshit, this felt like it was aimed right at me...even if he probably didn't know I was here.

"And after all the blood that you still owe. Another dollar's just another blow. So fix your eyes and get up, better get up, while you can. When you go, would you even turn to say 'I don't love you, like I did, yesterday'? Well come on, come on!" I clenched my jaw as I walked a little faster and felt the first tear leak down my face, likely taking all of my mascara with it.

This was it, this was the final blow to the ribs to make up for what I'd done to him, the way I'd broken his heart had been cruel. It'd been vicious and cruel; I was a teenager who was terrified of responsibility and was terrified of what I'd become if I stayed in England and lived with Mikey. At the end of the day I was still scared, everyday seeing Summer grow up a little more made me feel all too aware that in ten years I was going to be dropping my daughter off at middle school when some people my age hadn't even settled down and gotten married yet.

I decided at nine that I never wanted to really grow up, I only wanted the fun that came with being a teenager. Now I was reaping the consequences for what I'd done

"When you go, would you have the guts to say. 'I don't love you, like I loved you, yesterday'? I don't love you, like I loved you, yesterday."

Notes