Lainey's POV
San Diego, California

'And next up on Red Radio we have the latest band to make an out of the blue shoot to stardom, My Chemical Romance and their hit Teenagers! If you want to hear more of this theatrical punk-rock band be sure to check out their new album, The Black Parade!'

I was fine with the opening guitar but as soon as I heard a voice I reached forward and turned the radio onto another station, I was still struggling when it came to hearing about the band and tried to avoid it as much as I possibly could. They show up on tv, I change the channel. If it's a billboard, poster or some other ad like that I put on some glasses and look the other way, basically pretend my hardest that it's not actually there.

"Mommy, I like them." The words came from the backseat and a smile crept onto my face, I couldn't help but love her little voice, it was just so cute.

"Who do you like, sweetheart?" I asked, Summer had an active mind, very, very active and for all I knew she could be talking about things ranging from her imaginary friends to the guy jogging with his dog on the sidewalk.

"The man on the radio." That was nothing too helpful, it could be the person talking right now about the latest market drop or it could have been the singer that come on when we first got in the car. "He's off," she said, a whining tone in her voice and I could sense a hint of oncoming meltdown.

I also understood what she was talking about now, My Chemical Romance, Gerard's band. I've already made it pretty clear what I personally think about the matter so one could only imagine how I feel knowing what my daughter thinks of them, that she adores them. If I were to leave the song on she'd probably sing along to it at the top of her lungs, sure she'd get the majority or lyrics wrong but hey, she was still three and didn't care.

"Do you want me to turn him back on, Sunny?" My fingers couldn't have been more crossed if I tried, I didn't want her to say yes but I wasn't stupid, I knew she would. When I'd hear Summer get excited about a man on the radio, her father, and not know who he was, it made me feel like a horrible mother but I couldn't tell her, not yet anyway.

"Yes." With a sigh I turned the station back on and winced when I was dragged into the middle of the song, unwillingly; kicking and screaming you might say but it still happened.


'The boys and girls in the click, the awful names that they stick. You're never gonna fit in much, kid. But if you're troubled and hurt, what you've got under your shirt. Will make them pay for the things that they did!'

I doing know if I'd ever be ready to tell the truth and let Summer know what I did to Gerard, it was bad enough that I had to deal after more or less ripping his heart out of his chest and eating it in front of him. What I'd done wasn't nice, it'd been downright cruel but in the long run I knew I made the right choice, Sunny and I were doing well. I had two somewhat good jobs, I spoke to my brother and his fiancée all the time, she even babysits and I've got friends, people to talk to.

Gerard was better off for it as well, My Chemical Romance was huge, absolutely huge; even the people that hated them didn't hate them that much. They played all over the country, were either recording a song or touring the world and they basically had dibs on any venue they wanted. In a sorta way I was nearly glad for him despite wanting to bawl my eyes out over everything on occasion, but after four years I'd gotten most of my feelings towards him under control.

"Are you sure you want to listen to this? There's a lot of other songs on the radio if you want something else." Since becoming a mother I'd also realized how violent things could sound despite them seeming completely fine to me it wasn't so great for a three year old who absorbed anything she heard like some kind of human sponge.

"His songs make me happy." Okay, I do have to admit that, cut deep as fuck; at least it hurts a lot less listening to them now than it used to. Believe it or not there was a time when I'd have to pull the car over and cry, never when Summer was with me but it still made me late for a fair few important events...like my brothers engagement party. Boy was it fun rocking up to that joint in time for everyone - with the exception of my bro and April - to give me a death glare.

I said nothing more to my daughter and kept driving, glancing into the rear view mirror every couple of seconds to see her mouthing the song but not singing it. If anything else had been playing, Taylor Swift, that Disney song, even Kanye West I'd be fine with but no it had to be My Chemical Romance. I suppose it could be worse, at least she's not old enough to develop crushes on any of them or demand that I buy posters or merchandise. We'd definitely be hitting a brick wall if I had to face that problem, I had at least another four more years to pray she'd like some other band. I didn't want her to fall in love with mainstream...I just wanted my daughter to not become obsessed with the Gerard's music.

By the time I was pulling into the driveway of my brothers house the song had ended and an old Good Charlotte hit was playing. I got out, hoisting my satchel up on my shoulder and walking around to Summer's door. April had come out to the porch, a cup of coffee in hand with a big smile and a wave; she was a million times nicer than she looked with all her tattoos and black makeup.

I unbuckled Summer's carseat with a hand and took the stuffed toy she thrust at me before jumping out of the car, the one Dale and April had given me as an early twenty-first birthday present. I don't know why I was lucky enough to have a brother and - nearly - sister in law that'd be willing to shell out a buttload of money to get me a nice car but I sure felt blessed, it was a hundred times better than anything I could afford on my income.

"Hey, Sunny!" April called out as my daughter ran over to her aunt, hugging her on impact. She absolutely loved April - at least we all thought she did - she could also love that she was allowed to color in her tattoos, play with all of the guitars and other instruments in Dale's home office and drink caramel flavored syrup directly from the bottle at eight in the morning.

"You smell like that bad drink," Summer commented to April who was holding her on her hip, that bad drink that was mentioned was Sunny's word - or words - for coffee.

"When you're my age you'll think it great, just you watch." I was smiling as I watched the two interact, it made me happy to see Summer get along with everyone, everyone other than my parents who she had met only once, that was yet another long story I didn't need to go into. "Lainey, do you want to come inside? I've got a pot of dark roast and my friend India came over last night so there's good food in the fridge."

April was always able to tempt me with the promise of luxury meals, all the running around I did meant that I spent the majority of my time hungry as fuck. I didn't exactly resist my desires half as much as I should but luckily I burn things off pretty quickly. Two jobs and an advanced three year old didn't mean I got a lot of downtime lately no matter how much free time I tried to make.

Since I was running early today and had an extra half hour or so and found myself nodding as I followed April into the house, pulling off my jacket as I went. I'd had to miss breakfast today because Summer decided to make a 'wizard cake' while I was getting dressed and she got covered in flour. It'd been a bitch to get out of her clothes, not to mention her hair, since she was a redhead like me it looked like someone had upended baby powder on her head and I'd been really thorough making sure it was all out.

"How would you feel about vanilla and strawberry waffles?" April asked Sunny as she sat her on the chair at the breakfast bar, I could see her eyes go wide with excitement and internally groaned.

She wasn't supposed to be eating a lot of sugar and April had a bad habit of spoiling her, giving her whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted. If Summer kept wrapping everyone around her finger and asking for limitless junk food then there was a damn good chance my daughter would become a diabetic.

"One of them and you're eating it with fruit," I said, sitting on the chair beside hers and accepting a cup of coffee as April pushed it into my hands, I needed to have at least a cup before heading to work to ensure I was able to keep running the whole day and not fuck things up. Work could get pretty boring at times and it would be easy for me to fall asleep in the staff room, working the morning shift at a lingerie store was far from anything I'd dreamed of.

"Mommy, that's not fair!" Summer protested, her soft voice becoming squeaky as she disagreed.

"Don't worry, she has to leave at some point," April said, reassuring Summer that she was gonna be able to stuff her face, "and when she does...we eat!" Instantly Sunny cracked up laughing, it was that cute laughter everyone related to toddlers and cooed over.

"Fine, suit yourself. Pump her full of sugar and then you can have her for the night as well." Most of the time April would take care of Summer while I was busy with work and she was taking a small break from her tattoo business at the time so since she loved Sunny neither of us saw a problem with the arrangement.

I took a sip of my coffee and wondered what Dale must be doing right now, his band was away on tour but I wasn't tracking them and my best guess would be somewhere around Japan, maybe, or I could be wrong, it could be Australia.

April put a plate of food in front of Summer and I, my food appearing a little more whip cream covered than hers but Sunny didn't seem to notice so there were no worries as we ate. Instead of allowing silence to flood the kitchen April sat beside me and turned the stool in my direction, staring intently at me and bringing her coffee mug to her lips. I'm not sure whether she realized it or not but she sure could be creepy sometimes.

"So have you get anything unusual in the day to day, Lainey pattern?" April asked, resting an elbow on the breakfast bar and swirling the contents of the red mug around.

"No, not really. I uh, don't do all that much for my age when you think about it. I caught a flick with Bree a couple of days ago, I think it was a repeat of Avatar. I'm not too sure, I was really tired at the time and I kinda slept through most of the movie." As a parent I'd learnt to think of sleep as a very rare opportunity and always accepted the offer of a break without question, hence my staff room catnaps.

"You need to get out more. I think seventeen year old you saw more action, what was it that you used to do? See concerts, go to clubs, you'd hang out with friends all the time...knew how to have a little fun." She was scratching at the surface of the Gerard topic, if given the chance I'd ten times out of ten choose to avoid talking about him; it was a painful subject I wanted nothing to do with.

"April, I love you and you're gonna be my sister but if you talk about him I'll have to kill you." I found it easier to be straight up with her than to sit there, swiveling back and forth on the chair uncomfortably while April went on and on about how much 'fun' I used to be. I wasn't fun, I was fucking stupid - not to mention still a kid - and even now I'm trying to get all my everyday problems sorted out.

"Fine, fine, I'll drop it but I thought I should mention that he is back in America...you should try to catch up with him." She'd pushed it too much and I put my hands on either side of Summer's head as she ate. Since I dropped the F-bomb like a trooper and my friend - the eternally inappropriate Quincy - who shared the same swearing habit often hung around Sunny, she'd grown used to me covering up her ears when there was something I wanted to say that she - at her age - shouldn't hear.

"April, you're not fucking dropping it. I've told you, I've told Dale, that I want nothing to do with Gerard. He's doing fine with his life, he doesn't need me to come in there and fuck it all up." Summer looked at April and I for a moment before going back to her half devoted waffle, the fruit and ice-cream already gone; she eats ten times quicker than I thought possible for a little kid, I'm surprised she doesn't nearly choke on her food.

"I wasn't going to suggest you hook up with him or anything, I mean he's got a girlfriend." A bolt of pain struck my heart and I winced before covering up my reaction with a calm mask. It's not like I was unhappy that Gerard had moved on or anything, I was glad for him since he'd accomplished it long before I had. I want him to be with someone else and be happy, that's what I was hoping for when I left but that didn't mean I wasn't surprised.

"Has he? Good for him, I hope she's really nice," I said, trying to retain a voice and face of indifference.

April sat there looking at me for a moment, her expression clearly showing that she was trying to guess whether or not she should keep talking. I was a lot more violent than my brother and she knew there was a chance I might seriously have a meltdown if I heard the wrong thing and - as ashamed as I am to say it - even I knew that my anger was rarely in check. There were a countless number of times when I'd let my temper get the best of me, sure I was trying to rein it in now since I was a mom but it was still difficult when I had to deal with snobby bitches prancing in and out of the lingerie boutique, clearly judging me at a glance then looking down their noses at me.

"I thought you would have heard about it, they talk about her in a whole bunch of music mags. She's a really controversial performer, Chelsea Wicked. You're into bands and stuff, you should have heard of her band at least, The Crash Project. If I remember right she sings and plays guitar...sometimes in pasties." I hadn't gotten too involved with music since leaving England. I'd gone to a couple of my brothers gigs to support him but that had been in the early months of my pregnancy, before I even started showing. Since then I haven't gone to a concert or bought an album, I've listened to a bit of what I already have and whatever's on Red Radio but beside that, not much.
I think that goes to show how out of the loop I am.

I noticed the time on the very artfully made kitchen clock and removed my hands from Sunny's ears, telling her to go eat the rest of her breakfast in the living room before picking up a waffle on my plate and biting into it. Although I wasn't exactly ready to end the conversation I had no other choice because if I didn't hurry up, eat the food in front of me and down the rest of the coffee I was going to show up at work late and very hungry.

April didn't question me scarfing down the cooling waffles and instead got up and went around the kitchen, packing things up and putting dishes in the dishwasher then much to my pleasant surprise by the time I'd reached for my cup of coffee April had already put it into a travel mug for me and was ready to take the empty plate.

"Thank you so much. You are a fucking savior," I laughed, standing and picking up the mug, making sure to give April a quick hug before I threw my jacket over my shoulder and hurried into the living room. "Those waffles are great by the way, tell India she's on the money." I called out behind me.

April was one of the reasons I was glad I came back to America, when I was staying with her and Dale she'd always been more than happy to help me out and she'd always do it with a smile and some line that would make your day better.

She kinda reminded me of Iris but heaven knows what my best friend from boarding school is like or up to now.

Upon seeing me Summer knew I was heading off for work and when I walked over to the couch she jumped up and hugged me, clutching onto my neck with a strength that before this I never knew a three year old could have until having a child of my own. I always hated leaving her, I knew that I could trust April to keep her safe and that she wouldn't teach her swear words or play violent music around her but regardless I hated it. She was my daughter and I wanted to have her around me all the time but I couldn't take her to the stupid, snobby place I worked in because she shouldn't be in a store like that and I would get fired in the blink of an eye, my boss is just looking for a reason to jump down my throat.

"I love you, Mommy," she said, clinging on tightly and I smiled, hugging her back.

"I love you too, Sunny. I'll see you tonight okay?" I could feel her head on my shoulder and she nodded, she understood so much more than I ever thought as kid was capable of.

Summer's got her priorities in order, she knows what she likes and what she hates, she knows who to be nice and mean to, she's made better sense of her life in her three years than I have in my twenty-one.

"I'll miss you, Mommy."

"How about when I get back we go see a movie, does that sound good?" My life now revolved around working from morning till dusk and I knew I'd be tired by the time I drove back to April and Dale's place to pick Sunny up but I'd been promising her for weeks and well, I felt bad.

"Yay!" She cheered loudly, right in my ear but she let go enough for me to sit her back down on the couch again and give her a kiss on the head.

"I'll see you soon, Sunny. Miss you." I put my jacket on, left the house and got into my car. As soon as the engine turned over the radio came on, playing songs from the Red Radio at a background volume but it was still loud enough for me to recognize the band playing. It was definitely a slower and differently paced song compared to what had been playing on the drive here.

'It was the roar of the crowd, that gave me heartache to sing. It was a lie when they smiled, and said, you won't feel a thing.'

I sighed when I heard Gerard's voice - heartfelt and somber - then dropped my head on the steering wheel, "and I miss you too."

Notes