Gerard's POV

I stood there for a couple of minutes after the car disappeared, Mikey was talking to me, Mikey, Frank, Vic, they were all talking but all I could do was watch the place Lainey had been only moments ago, as if she might suddenly climb through the fence and come running back to me like some Nicolas Sparks book.

Yeah fucking right.

When I was younger I'd had a lot of girls pass through my bed, I'd always felt lonely afterwards, I missed the feeling of having someone beside me but this was like nothing else I'd felt before. It was almost as if there was a hole punched right through my chest, a hollow feeling that made me feel like I couldn't breathe and couldn't move. Even when she hated me it was like I could still sense her, there was a comfort in knowing I could knock on her bedroom door, go to the library or the back of the church and find her, often she'd be the one looking for me and whenever I saw her red hair and carefree grin I could feel a warmth spread through my chest that was nearly dizzying.

Now there was no warmth, only a freezing, black hole.

"Why does it feel like she died?" I hadn't meant to say it out loud it was only supposed to be a thought, a morbid thought and nothing more than that but it didn't stop Mikey - bless his trying heart - from taking his best shot at making sense of my accidental question.

"She's not, Lainey's alive. She's fine and she'll be happy." As I said 'trying', I think he'd reached a new record for making me feel depressed, it wasn't his fault and Mikey didn't realize that what sounded somewhat comforting to him actually made me want to find the nearest bridge and jump off of it.

I love her, I'm supposed to be the one to make her happy and I failed. I couldn't make her happy enough to stay, to want to raise a kid and have our own fucked up version of a family, I wanted to and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't make her love me back but that's one of the lessons we're supposed to learn in life isn't it?

You can't force somebody to love you, you can only try and try and feel like shit when you don't succeed.
"Mikey, take some sensitivity classes or lay off the beer." It was Vic who added some pearls of advice, he'd been completely silent while Lainey was running away but had apparently decided it was time to add his two cents. "Gerard, what you're feeling...that's heartbreak, dude. It's a fucking bitch and it hurts but you can't let it get on top of you." That was easy for him to say, he hadn't just had his heart ground to pieces under someone's Converse clad foot.

I didn't want to be angry at him, he was only trying to help and he'd given My Chemical Romance the goddamn offer of a lifetime, the kind of stuff small bands dream of. We could tour with Pierce The Veil, they've already got a name for themselves, won awards, gotten on the front of magazine covers but I was upset, angry and at the time it was the only thing I could feel.

"She's fucking pregnant, Vic! Lainey pregnant with our kid and now I'm never gonna get to see either of them! Never! Heartbreak might be a bitch but you try out having your child and only girl you have ever fucking loved taken away at the same time, then try to come up with shit like 'you can't let it get on top of you'! I fucking wish I felt hurt right now but you know what, I don't feel shit! Just emptiness because Lainey's fucking gone!" My voice was roughed up enough from the gig and by the time I'd finished shouting at the only shot my band's ever had my voice had completely broken and my eyes were stinging from tears; I hadn't cried over anything for four years, when my grandma died and here I was, having a full blown meltdown.

I can't handle this, not now.

"Gee, where are you going?" Mikey asked as I walked away, trying to catch up, to put his hand on my shoulder and do that brotherly advice giving thing he was crap at. As soon as he touched me I shoved him away, feeling a twang of guilt when he stumbled back, a hurt and nearly betrayed expression on his face.

"I'm gonna get a fucking drink and then I think I'd really like to pass out in a gutter so leave me alone."

~~~

Four Years Later
Milan, Italy

The cheering was loud, nearly deafening and I took my ear piece out, I could barely hear the people talking through it and the most it ever did for me was distract, I'd miss my cue and everything would go to shit. Everything had been fucked up a few shows ago, all because of me and I wasn't going to do it to the guys again, if I did they'd be more than within their rights to kick me out of the band. To be honest I'd actually encourage it, they didn't need anyone dragging them down.

I'd bumped into a guy before the show, he had a baggy of white stuff on him...a few hours and a few lines later I got forgotten nearly all the lyrics to Dead, gotten a nosebleed while singing and when I tried to turn away from the crowd to fix it up everything around me went blurry and I fell off the stage. I hadn't been so much embarrassed as guilty for ruining the show for the audience, they'd paid good money to see a band perform, not to watch the lead singer have blood practically pour from his nose and collapse after inhaling way more coke than should be taken before an important gig.

I could hear the guitar and drums open the next song and tapped my hand on my thigh in time with the beat, counting myself in with the crowd clapping along. This was one of my favorite songs to play, I liked how everyone participated and it was the band's last show in Europe but I was tired, I wanted to get back to the hotel and go to sleep; I was sweating, I was shaking and I wasn't sure I'd be able to get through the last songs on the set list.

Come on, there's only two more.

"Go!" My throat felt dry, like I hadn't drunk anything in days rather than downing and entire bottle of water in the break that had been only a couple of minutes ago. "To un-explain the unforgivable, drain all the blood and give the kids a show. By streetlight this dark night, a seance down below. There's things that I have done, you never, should ever know!" To be honest my throat actually hurt and not the pre-sick kind, what I had was probably the beginning of cocaine withdrawals.

This was not good, I shouldn't have fucking started taking it to begin with. I'd almost like to blame my problems on someone else but it was only me to blame, I should have stopped when Mikey found out two years ago but nope, I had to go ahead and fuck up what little vocal talent I had.

"And without you is how I disappear, and live my life alone forever now. And without you is how I disappear, and live my life alone, forever now." I turned my head away from the microphone and coughed a little, trying to clear my throat and hoping that my voice would go back to normal, even if it was just for this show.

We're gonna be on a short vacation soon, I just need to stay off the white stuff for a month and everything will go back to normal...at least I hope so. If every song I sing is gonna make me feel this pressured then I might as well tap out now before I screw the band over and ruin their chances of getting gigs, contracts, tours and interviews. They'll be able find a different singer, even Frank could do it. Sure he sounds a lot grungier than I do but people wouldn't be as upset if there was an original member taking the spot and not some new guy. Besides, Frank knows all the lyrics and he can play the guitar while singing...unlike me.

"Who walks among the famous living dead, drowns all the boys and girls inside your bed. And if-" In an instant I forgot all the words, I didn't know what came next and everyone kept going, everyone but me and the only thing that stopped everyone from noticing was Frank and Ray who finished the line; I could always rely on them to clean up my mistakes.

I pulled the microphone out of the stand and walked towards the back of the stage, smiling and mouthing a thank you to the guys as I pushed my hair out of my face. They're probably the best bandmates I could hope for and better friends than I deserve, after Lainey leaving I don't know what I would have done without My Chemical Romance. I don't know what I would have done without my friends and the music and the constant tours our manager has us on, if I'd had to spend the past four years alone in my room I probably would have given up on life completely...of course I still couldn't bring myself to be angry at Lainey for it. She did what she thought was right, I could never blame her, would never.

Don't think about her, you know you always go downhill when you get hung up over her.

Once given some brief seconds to collect my thoughts I was able to remember the rest of the words and picked up from where the guys left off "-that all the good girls go to heaven. Well, heaven knows! That without you is how I disappear and live my life alone, forever now. And without you is how I disappear and live my life alone, forever now." I'd felt a little bit better, not having to sing then the moment I opened my mouth I felt like trash and wanted to climb into a bed and pull the sheets over my head.

I think I'm going to be sick.

My legs felt a little bit weak as I walked around the stage and I had to stand still to get my bearings. Darkness thrummed at the corners of my vision and I clenched the microphone hard, I wasn't going to let a little bit of withdrawals get to me, I decided I was going to get off coke and I'm going to stay off no matter how shit it makes me feel. This will all be over soon, it'll leave my system and I'll be back to normal before I know it.

"Can you hear me cry out to you? Words I thought I'd choke on, figure out. I'm really not so with you anymore." There was a throbbing in the back of my head and I sucked in a deep breath through my teeth, trying the hardest I could to push through this and focus on the audience, to even fixate on a speaker or one of the security guards would be enough.


The gig's nearly over and there's only one more song, I can do this.

"I'm just a ghost, so I can't hurt you anymore, so I can't hurt you anymore!" My legs were wobbling beneath me, it must have been noticeable to everyone by now; even the people up the back could probably see it. I should have asked the guys to cancel the show, I'm in no condition to perform right now.

Fuck, this was a really, really bad idea.

"And now, you wanna see how far down, I can sink? Let me go!" I like to imagine that it would have looked dramatic and staged to everyone watching but I didn't feel very dramatic and I certainly didn't fucking plan for my legs to give out on stage.

I didn't think I was going to pass out in the middle of the song either.

Notes