F*ck and Run

It took Frank a moment to step away from the front door. He told himself he was still in control of the situation, that he could still leave if and when he wanted to. He listened to the sound of mugs clinking, coffee pouring, Gerard’s hum as he looked around for the sugar.
He slowly, silently pulled off his coat and hung it on a free hook beside one of Gerard’s coats. He kicked off his shoes and turned into the first doorway along the hall. It was a living room of sorts, with a couch and a TV and an incredible amount of books on floor-to-ceiling shelves lining the room.
Frank perched on the edge of the couch and stared vacantly at the DVD cases cluttering every surface surrounding the TV. He glanced over at the bookshelves, which he realized were lined with comics and graphic novels. Frank sighed. It all reminded Frank of the person he thought Gerard had been the first time.
He still was that person, Frank supposed. He just had a lot less regard for other people’s emotions than Frank has initially thought he would.
Gerard had left the TV on the local news. He couldn’t picture Gerard watching the news for some reason. It was weird to picture Gerard doing anything mundane because Gerard himself wasn’t very mundane.
“So um, do you want the mermaid mug or the purple mug?” Gerard asked, slowly walking into the room with two very full mugs of coffee.
“I don’t care.” Frank said, scooting over so that Gerard could sit beside him on the couch. Frank couldn’t look at Gerard. Gerard made Frank nervous. They sat across from each other, toes almost touching.
“Well in that case I’ll give you the purple mug.” Gerard huffed, setting the mug in front of Frank on the coffee table. “The purple one holds more coffee but the mermaid one is more fun to drink out of.”
“Well… thank you.” Frank said, eyeing the mug Gerard placed in front of himself on the coffee table. The handle was a mermaid’s body. It didn’t look that fun to drink out of, Frank thought.
“There’s shells on the inside of the cup.” Gerard elaborated further.
“Oh… of course.” Frank said sarcastically, a smile playing on his lips.
“Shut up.” Gerard said, grinning back. “It’s fun.”
Frank looked up at Gerard, then. He had a lopsided grin and long, thin cut on his cheek. It must’ve been a few days old, as it had scabbed over.
“How did you get that?” Frank asked, pointing to his own cheek for reference.
“Oh. This?” Gerard asked, reaching up and tapping at the cut.
Frank nodded.
“Mikey and I were… wandering through the woods and I sort of… lost a fight with a thorn bush.” Gerard said, running his finger over the length of the cut.
“What on earth were you doing in the woods in the dead of winter?” Frank asked conversationally.
“My family has a summer home upstate.” Gerard explained. “There was this meteor shower and Mikey and I hiked up to this peak to get a better view.”
“You went hiking at night?” Frank asked. “Who does that?”
“We do, I guess?” Gerard shrugged.
“I just never would’ve pinned Mikey as an outdoorsy type.” Frank noted. “I have a hard time getting him to even come outside for a cigarette most days.”
“How long have you worked for the record label? You were bartending when we first… met.” Gerard said, lifting his mug off the table and taking a sip. He never took his eyes off of Frank.
“I’m surprised you remember.” Frank blurted out before he could stop himself.
Gerard’s lips twitched into a soft frown.
“I was working for the label back then. I uh… bartend on the side.” Frank continued. “It’s a good way to meet people and like, get into shows for free.”
Frank reached for his mug and took a sip of his coffee. It was still scalding hot but it was good. Gerard didn’t go for the sludgy cheap shit.
“I wish I hadn’t gone home with you that night…” Gerard said softly.
Frank almost spat his coffee out. Instead, he swallowed the burning liquid and glared at Gerard.
“Which night?” Frank asked, not sure how he sounded so composed.
“That first night… when you were bartending.” Gerard explained calmly, like he hadn’t just said the most hurtful thing imaginable. He was glancing around the room, not meeting Frank’s gaze.
“Why?” Frank asked softly. He was 10 seconds away from setting the cup down and leaving.
“It’s not that you’re not amazing in bed.” Gerard explained. “I just remember thinking you were cool… You are cool.” He amended. “And I just… if I hadn’t gone home with you I feel like we could’ve been really good friends.” Gerard set his mug down on the coffee table.
“We still could be?” Frank said in an almost whisper. His voice had disappeared and he wasn’t sure if it was the hot coffee he swallowed or the feeling in his chest that very closely resembled the feeling of wanting to cry.
“You keep looking at me like you hate me and I don’t know how to fix it.” Gerard said weakly. He rested his head against the back of the couch and stared at Frank.
Frank shrugged and set his own mug down and hugged his knees tightly against his chest. He pressed his mouth against his knees to hide his trembling lips.
“I can tell you I’m sorry. I can try and make it up to you somehow…” Gerard mused. “But you’ll still think I’m a fucking asshole.”
“Well maybe you’re just inherently an asshole.” Frank said, pulling his mouth away enough for Gerard to hear. His voice definitely wavered. “Maybe it has nothing to do with me.”
Gerard smiled at him then, and Frank felt even more confused and saddened.
“Mikey tells me that all the time.” Gerard said fondly.
He considered Frank with a sad look. Frank almost felt sorry for Gerard because he seemed genuine.
“I didn’t mean to upset you.” Gerard said softly.
“You didn’t.” Frank lied, closing his eyes and feeling a tear roll down his cheek.
“Okay.” Gerard mumbled, taking a deep breath.

They were quiet for a moment then.

“Frank,” Gerard continued. “I never meant to-”
“Shut up.” Frank interrupted weakly. “Can we talk about something else?”
“Sure…” Gerard agreed. “You want to watch a movie?”
Frank nodded, burying his face in his knees. He felt Gerard’s weight lift off the couch.
“What do you want to watch?” Gerard asked.
“I don’t care. I like ghost stories.” Frank mumbled.
“I can work with that.” Gerard said.
Frank listened as Gerard shuffled the DVD cases around. He cursed under his breath when he popped one open. Frank figured the DVD wasn’t in the right place. There was more sliding of plastic on plastic and then the click of another case opening. Frank focused on his breathing as he heard the DVD tray make it’s whirring sound as it slid back into the DVD player.
Gerard’s weight returned beside Frank on the couch. Gerard felt closer to Frank than he had been before. He delicately wrapped an arm around Frank, confirming Frank's observation.
Frank didn’t know if it made him feel comforted or captivated. Both, he decided.
Frank lifted his head up. Gerard had turned off the lights while Frank had his head down. He wiped the tears from his eyes and relaxed against Gerard’s side. Gerard balanced his mug of coffee on his knee with his other hand.
Gerard was warm. He smelled sweet and familiar. Frank wasn't sure if he should run away or lean further into Gerard.
Frank didn’t recognize the movie Gerard had put on. None of the actors were speaking English and Frank was too distracted to read the subtitles. He could kind of follow the plot without understanding the dialogue. There were lots of scenes in a hospital with eerie lighting and a pale little girl in a blood-spattered hospital gown.
Frank reached over and grabbed Gerard’s mug, taking a gulp of coffee and balancing it on his own knee.
“See? Told you it’s more fun to drink out of.” Gerard whispered.
“I guess…” Frank agreed hoarsely.
The protagonist in the film wandered into a dark room in the hospital. Frank watched in horror, biting his tongue from whispering “How stupid can you be!? Turn around!” Just then, the blood spattered girl jumped out from behind an operating table and Frank gasped, nearly spilling Gerard’s coffee all over his lap.
Gerard let out a breathy laugh and squeezed Frank’s shoulder.
“Gerard?” Frank mumbled timidly after a few careful breaths.
“Yeah?” He whispered back.
“I’m sorry for like, crying or whatever.” Frank mumbled.
“Don’t apologize for that. You can always cry in front of me. I cry all the fucking time.” Gerard hummed.
“Okay.” Frank whispered, finishing Gerard’s coffee in another gulp.
“Then... I’m sorry for drinking all your coffee.” Frank mumbled.
Gerard chuckled then, wrapping his free arm around Frank and hugging him. He buried his face in Frank’s hair and breathed him in.
“I can’t believe you let me think that I’m terrible in bed.” Frank sighed, letting out a breathy laugh in spite of himself.
“I never said that.” Gerard countered softly, nuzzling into Frank’s neck.
“Well, you said something close to that.” Frank argued. “It could’ve easily been interpreted that way.”
“I’m ...sorry? We already established that I’m an asshole.” Gerard said softly.
“Such a fucking asshole.” Frank agreed fondly.
“I’m not good at serious conversations.” Gerard offered. “But I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings”
Frank just sighed in defeat, keeping his eyes on the TV screen.
“You’re real good in bed though.” Gerard reassured against Frank’s ear.
Frank’s heart fluttered. He felt a blush creep up on his cheeks and he was thankful for the darkness of the room. Frank didn’t know what to do so he did, and said, absolutely nothing. He tensed up in Gerard’s arms and let the silence take over, redirecting his attention to the movie.
“Sorry if that was the wrong thing to say...” Gerard whispered after a few moments, taking his arm off of Frank's chest, leaving the other still casually wrapped around Frank’s shoulders.
“Um no… thank you for saying so.” Frank said softly, blushing harder and swallowing loudly.
Frank let himself get lost in the movie then, sort of reading the dialogue a little more closely. His heart was pounding and he was trying not to scream like a girl towards the end of the film. He looked over at Gerard who had been silent and relaxed the whole time.
The fucker was fast asleep. His head rested against the back of the couch. His mouth was open slightly, with peaceful breaths flowing in and out. Frank nudged Gerard with his elbow but he didn’t stir.
Frank looked back at the movie and was completely horrified by what he saw. He buried his face in Gerard’s chest through the scary part. What kind of asshole went to sleep during the scariest part of the movie? Frank wondered.
Frank tried looking at the screen again but quickly got too scared. He covered his eyes with his hands and peaked through his fingers when he felt brave.
The ending of the movie was sad and unresolved, leaving Frank feeling like there was a real curse out there in the world that could get him and rip him apart, swallowing his body parts in a sea of darkness.
“Did I fall asleep?” Gerard croaked, lifting his head up.
“Yes.” Frank snapped.
“What’s wrong?” Gerard asked, sitting up and turning to face Frank.
“Who the fuck falls asleep at the scariest part of the movie? Honestly!?” Frank scoffed.
Gerard smiled at him and pulled Frank into his arms.
“I was scared, you jerk.” Frank whispered, relishing in the warmth of Gerard's arms.
“There's not much I would be able to do about an ancient evil curse anyways.” Gerard laughed into the crook of Frank's neck. “I’m gonna make more coffee, okay?”
“There’s some left in my mug.” Frank offered.
“It’s probably cold.” Gerard said, pulling away and getting up off the couch to stretch. His joints made a series of sickening popping noises that made Frank cringe.
“There’s something I wanted to show you. Mikey said you like Morrissey as much as I do.” Gerard said, lifting his arms over his head and stretching them out.
He crossed the room and slid his fingers along a shelf of LPs and pulled one out.
“Mikey gave me this for my birthday last year.” He held up a particularly worn-looking record sleeve.
Frank got up slowly, stretching and crossing the room to take a better look.
“It’s a live recording from just after Strangeways Here We Come was released. Morrissey literally starts crying in the middle of ‘Last Night I Dreamt Somebody Loved Me’. It’s unreal.” Gerard explained, sliding the record onto a turntable and handing Frank a pair of bulky headphones to Frank.
“Sounds better on headphones.” Gerard mumbled. “I’m gonna go make coffee while you listen.” He dropped the needle onto the record, gave Frank a small weak smile, and stepped out of the room.
Frank listened carefully to the record. It probably did sound better on the large headphones. Headphones this large were usually intended for use in recording studios. They picked up every little detail of the mix, every layer of sound. Frank had no idea what Gerard was doing with them. They must’ve cost him a fortune.
Gerard returned when Frank was halfway through an extended version of ‘I Won’t Share You’
He smiled at Gerard, leaving the headphones on. Gerard set the fresh cups of coffee on the desk beside the turntable. The smell of fresh coffee filled the space around them.
Gerard grabbed Frank's hand. His fingers squeezed Frank’s gently. His thumb brushed over the back of Frank’s hand.
This was the unfair part, Frank realized. He wanted Gerard to be like this with him all the time.
He pictured Gerard in this same room with someone else. Like that bartender he’d been flirting with the other night. Or any of Frank and Mikey’s other coworkers at the label who had told Frank that Mikey’s older brother was cute.
Frank didn’t want to share Gerard. He wanted Gerard all to himself.
When he thought about Gerard going out and sleeping with other people he felt jealous. Gerard had probably been with people who were better looking than Frank. Or smarter than him. Or cooler than him.
Frank wanted someone he could have all to himself and Gerard could never be that for him. It was pointless to even try to make Gerard his. Gerard wasn’t the kind to get involved with people like that.
This was the part in their evening where, if Gerard wasn’t a fucking promiscuous asshole, they might kiss. Frank looked at Gerard’s lips then, not sure why he hadn’t left Gerard's apartment yet. Nothing was keeping him there. Gerard was a dead end of a person.
Frank held his breath as Gerard inched closer, leaning in to kiss Frank...

Frank wasn’t having any of it.
He tore the headphones off, pulled his hand out of Gerard’s and glared at the wolfish man in front of him.
“Do not even kiss me.” Frank snapped.
“I’m sorry… I thought you wanted me to?” Gerard said, swallowing hard. “You were looking at me all dreamy and-”
“No. I mean… I have coffee breath.” Frank lied, not wanting to argue about it.
“Oh.” Gerard smiled. “I don’t care. I probably have coffee breath too.”
He started leaning towards Frank again, taking Frank’s hand in his again.
“I have to go.” Frank insisted, pulling away from Gerard and heading for the door.
“Frank, I’m sorry! I promise I won’t try anything like that again.” Gerard said, following him into the hallway.
Frank sighed and pulled on his coat.
“No… I just… I remembered... something I have to do.” Frank stammered, not sure why he wasn’t just telling Gerard that he couldn’t stand another second of Gerard’s ridiculous, manipulative bullshit. That he wanted someone he could actually be with. Someone like Gerard, but with genuine feelings and concerns. Someone capable of love.
“Can I come with you?” Gerard asked, pulling on his coat and sliding into a pair of boots by the door.
“No.” Frank insisted, toeing into his shoes, not bothering to put them on properly. He stepped on the heels. It would be fine until he got to the subway tunnel.
“Frank did I do something wrong?” Gerard asked, following Frank into the hall and down the stairs.
“No. You didn’t.” Frank sighed. “I just have to go.”
“Alright, well, let me walk you to the train.” Gerard mumbled dejectedly, half a step behind Frank.
“You don’t have to do that.” Frank said.
“I want to.” Gerard insisted.
They reached the lobby and Frank shouldered out the front door and into the cold. A light dusting of snow covered the ground. It crunched under their feet as Frank continued walking at a steady pace.
“Jesus, it’s fucking cold out here.” Gerard hissed.
“I sort of hate winter sometimes.” Frank agreed coldly, hoping Gerard would take the hint.
Gerard just threaded his arm through Frank’s and walked beside him in uncomfortable silence.

“Can I see you again?” Gerard asked when they reached the entrance to the subway station.
“I don’t know.” Frank mumbled, glancing around the busy intersection, looking at anything and everything that wasn’t Gerard.
“Look… I promise I’ll try to be a better friend to you.” Gerard said softly, pulling Frank in for a hug.
“We’re not friends.” Frank said, hugging him back and pressing a kiss to Gerard’s cheek.
“Not friends. Got it.” Gerard whispered.
“Call me.” Frank requested, finally meeting Gerard’s gaze. His eyes lit up at the suggestion.
“I will.” Gerard said eagerly. “I promise.”
Frank nodded, biting his lip to keep himself from reminding Gerard that he hated when people made promises they didn’t intend to keep.
He pulled away from Gerard and spun on his heels, wandering down a staircase leading into the warm subway tunnel. Gerard stood there in the snow, watching Frank until he disappeared around a bend in the stairs.
Frank didn't look back at Gerard, not once.

It wasn’t until Frank’s train was a few stops short of his apartment that it hit him:
The cut on Gerard’s cheek had somehow vanished by the time Frank had kissed him goodbye.

Notes

good luck getting outta this one, gee.

-m