Even Lights Can Fade Away

I stood up and admired my handiwork. I had decided that I couldn’t leave Mikey alone after he bawled on me for a whole hour. After he passed out and I carried him to bed, before calling in to work and getting started on cleaning his house back up. I felt sort of bad not going to work today, but I explained to Ellie that it was an emergency and she said she understood. It didn’t take away the guilty feeling in my chest though. I brushed it off as best I could and started my cleaning. It took forever, scrubbing at stains, throwing away old beer cans, washing the dishes, and doing other household tasks, but once I was finished the house looked fairly livable again.

I never actually had gotten to ask Mikey what was wrong. The entire time he just cried into my chest, mumbling incoherently over and over. It almost reminded me of how his brother reacted to the nightmares, just curling up and refusing to talk it over. I hoped though that Mikey would open up more after he got some sleep and food into him.

As much as I didn’t want to acknowledge it though, I had a feeling I knew what was wrong. I remembered the day Ray had died and Gerard and I had found him crying in his apartment.

“I-I think I l-l-loved him,” Mikey suddenly choked out. We all sat there stunned, or not stunned, but hearing the words and knowing the person they were directed towards were startling. “And I never told him that, but we had been dating for a couple of months, and I think I fell for him and now he’s gone and I can never tell him!” The sobs started again and all we could do was hold him and tell him it would be okay.

But here Mikey was today, obviously not okay whatsoever.

I leaned on the mop I was using and heaved a deep sigh. It seemed like all our lives were a lot harder these days. Not quite the fairy tale ending I had been expecting.

As soon as the thought went through my head I was scolding myself. I had Gerard, friends, my own record label, and an apartment and food. I may not have a perfect life, but that didn’t mean I got to complain. Mikey had lost the love of his life. Surely he had it harder than me.

The mop slipped suddenly and I fell, knocking my head into the wall with a crash.

“Ow…” I sat up grumbling and rubbing my slightly achy head. “Stupid mop.” I kicked the mop half heartedly as I picked myself off the floor.

I heard a groan from the bedroom, followed by the shuffling of feet. Great dummy, you woke him up! I groaned myself as I waited for him to appear in the doorway.

“Hey Frank,” He said tiredly stepping into the threshold of the dining room where I was. His eyes still held a tired sad look to them. “You’re still here?” He phrased it as something between a question and a statement like he couldn’t believe I would stay.

“Of course I’m still here, I couldn’t just leave you while your like this,” I reassured him leaning against the wall I had just hit my head against and studying his profile carefully. “You wanna talk about it now?” I asked finally.

He studied the floor for a moment, clasping and unclasping his hands and looking nervous and tired. For a moment nothing was said while I waited for him to think it over and reply.

“Yeah, I think I do.” His answer, much unlike his brother’s startled me, but I regained my composure quickly.

“Okay cool. Let’s go sit down,” I offered. He nodded and followed behind me into the living room. I sat down on the worn out couch and watched him while he sat down gingerly in the seat across from it. Once again he started his nervous fidgeting so I decided that it would be best if I started the conversation. “So what’s been bothering you Mikes?” I flinched at the word bothering as it came out of my mouth. It was quite clear he was a little more than bothered.

His mouth opened and closed multiple times, like he was ready to talk but didn’t know where to begin or what to say.

“Take your time, it’s fine,” I urged, shifting to get comfortable. He nodded mutely and stared at his thin fingers. “Here, want me to go make some coffee and let you think for a bit?” Again he nodded and I stood up, pausing to pat him on the back softly before disappearing into his freshly cleaned kitchen.

I took my time making the coffee, giving him as much time alone as he needed. I did check on him every couple of minutes to make sure he was okay. I was almost positive that this was about Ray now, but how could we have not noticed before? Mikey was present when I woke up and he seemed perfectly normal then. Had in all come crashing down on him later? Or was Michael James Way a lot stronger than I put out him to be?

I wasn’t sure but I was hoping that I would find out soon, and if possible help him get back on his feet. I came here looking for information about Gerard, but I think I’ll end up doing a lot more.

I finished making the coffee and grabbed a package of Oreo’s before heading back to the living room. He was still sitting unmoved before, but he made to take one of the mugs from my hand. I gave it to him, along with the Oreo’s before taking my seat again. He shoved the cookies to the side but I stopped him gently.

“Please eat, you’ve lost a lot of weight since the last time I’ve seen you. Don’t do this to yourself, it’s not healthy.” He sighed but consented and took one out. I shot him a small smile. “Thank you.”

We sat in silence for several minutes after that just drinking our coffees and eating the cookies. Finally I saw Mikey put down his mug and look at me. I followed suit and got prepared to listen to him.

I guess he had a lot pent up inside of him because once he opened his mouth it was like a floodgate broke open.

“You know, it really is funny how these things work,” He began sadly. “I was the one who wanted Gerard to get out and start dating to begin with. I kept nagging him about it, and then he met James. So I guess in all reality I started the snowball. Cause if I hadn’t wanted him to date he wouldn’t have met James, and then gotten turned into a vampire by Lindsey, then he never would have gotten the job at the music store, meaning we never would have met you or Ray, and you both wouldn’t be dead right now…” He trailed off with tears beginning to form in his eyes. “And Bob wouldn’t have gotten mixed up into this, hell, even James might have still been alive.”

“But that’s just how life goes,” I tried comforting him. “One choice leads to the next which leads to the next and so on. Like you said, it was like a snowball. There was no stopping it.”

“I know,” He whispered, “I’m not blaming myself for once. I know Lindsey was the reason all this bad shit happened. I fucking hate the stupid bitch. She just came in and tore up my life, your life, Gerard’s life, Bob’s life, and fucking ended Ray’s.” He began crying and I stood up and grabbed his hand, pulling him down onto the couch next to me.

“I was in love with him you know? Never got to actually tell him that though. And I don’t believe that there’s a God up there with some great eternal life bullshit, and if someone is up there he doesn’t give two shits about us. But I want to believe so badly. I want to believe that one day I’ll see Ray again and I can tell him how much a love him.”

“I’m not so sure about that heaven thing either, but I think he knew Mikey, I really do. I didn’t know Ray much longer than you did, and you knew him better, but over the couple of months that I did, I knew he was a great, understanding person. Gerard’s even told me stories about how many times Ray pulled him to the side to talk because he knew what exactly was wrong with him. I’m almost positive that he knew you loved him, cause he loved you too.”

Mikey was still crying, but he gave me an awkward sideways hug.

“Thank you Frank. Thank you for everything you’ve done.”

“Shhh, it’s fine. You’re like a brother, I would do this for you any day.” He continued sobbing into me for a bit longer before his breathing began to slow down and the tears stopped.

“I really hope you are my brother one day,” He whispered. “You make him so happy. I just want to see that happen someday.” I sat there stunned for a minute before I could reply.

“Thank you…”

~~~

“I remember one time I had made him cupcakes, and it was like a big tray. And he was talking and like waving his hands around in the air and then he accidently smashed a cupcake and got it all over his hands. He was so adorable.”

I laughed even though I had heard the story multiple times. After the more serious talk we had spent the rest of the afternoon telling stories about Ray and remembering him.

Mikey was smiling a bit and looked happy, but I could tell he was still far from being okay. He would still tense up when he said Ray’s name sometimes and every now and then his eyes would well up or he would just go completely silent. I knew he was still suffering, but I was hoping that know he would have the energy to get up and start taking control of his life again.

My thoughts turned to Gerard. I really hoped he was okay. I had told him last night that I was going into work again today, and had left multiple notes out in various places where he would see them. I just hoped he wouldn’t panic.

I was so caught up in my Gerard thoughts that I didn’t realize Mikey had asked me a question. I blushed crimson and look apologetically at him. “Sorry Mikey, I was just thinking.”

“I was just wondering why you stopped by in the first place?” He asked softly.

“Oh, I had to ask you about something,” I told him, “But it can wait.”

“You sure?” He asked, “I really don’t want to create any more problems.”

“No, no problems whatsoever little Way. I’ll ask you later, maybe tomorrow when you’re feeling better.” He seemed unsure; biting his lip hesitantly, but finally gave up and nodded.

Tomorrow then I would-hopefully- get the answers about Gerard I needed.

Notes

uggghhhh I'm like done. Not with the story though. Oh no