Bright Lights Cast A Shadow

The next time Mikey came to his senses, he was very confused. This wasn't his bed he was lying in, the mattress was too hard and the sheets that covered him were to stiff and thin and felt nothing like his cosy comforter he had at home. He was also surrounded by a strange smell, which had an overly sterile edge to it and reminded him of a hospital.
Oh no! This started to make sense as the memories of what had happened came crashing down on him in brutal waves of the harsh reality that he had tried and failed to kill himself. He had to be on some sort of painkillers because he couldn't feel the wounds, that he knew had to be in both of his arms, at all.
With a groan, he opened his eyes to take in his surroundings. He was surprised to see Gerard slumped on the hospital bed beside him, snoring slightly.
So he was really still here, watching and worrying over his little brother.
Mikey couldn't suppress a small, barely there smile at the strange, yet once so familiar, fussy warm feeling that spread through his chest, the feeling of being loved.
But it was gone as soon and suddenly as it had come, because even Mikey couldn't kid himself anymore to believe that his brother didn't truly love him and care for him deeply, but that didn't change the fact that he couldn't love himself and still wanted to die.
This whole situation was a lot worse than it was a day ago and it had been pretty bad back then with all this hopelessness and the suicide attempt. But now he had made his brother, the most important person in his pathetic joke of a life, sad. Desperate even, along with apparently a bunch of other people, including Frank. He felt extremely guilty.
And now their attention was on him and he was in a hospital, for fuck's sake!
How was he going to complete his only mission now and kill himself? The whole ordeal had been made a lot more difficult for him now, when he couldn't even make it the first time he tried.
He felt utterly humiliated. The one thing that he had tried to do lately, on which he had completely set his mind and which was the only thing that mattered to him now, and he failed. He couldn't even manage to kill himself.
He wasn't good at living, but as it turned out, he also wasn't good at dying. What was there even left that he was good at? Nothing. He was a waste of space, the air he breathed in was wasted on him.
Even worse, not only did he make himself miserable, but he also had to pull his loved ones down with him. Gerard looked like shit as he lay there, face red and swollen from crying so much, his hair a tangled mess that was plastered to his forhead. He looked miserable and exhausted and it was no one's fault but Mikey's.
He threw his head back into his shitty hospital pillow with a frustrated groan. This was the worst moment ever.
Wait! He could feel the pillow. And he felt the bed. He could move his head and, hey, he could also move his fingers! And he could also watch them move. Those were his fingers and he saw them wriggling under the thin white sheets in the exact way that he wanted them to. He was back inside his body!
He didn't know what to make of that. This strange out of body experience thing had been calming and peaceful at first, but then he had to watch Gerard cry and see his own mangled body surrounded by the paramedics and that was anything but peaceful.
Sure, in this state nobody could see him, so he could avoid having to explain himself and talking to people in general and all the stuff he knew he'd have to face at some time but really didn't want to.
But he'd have to silently watch the people around him suffer without being able to do anything about it. He wouldn't have wanted to be stuck in this situation, because he had to admit that this ghost-like existence was actually kind of creepy and lonely in an entirely different way that his life had been recently, because there were lots of people around but he was still entirely alone and that was ultimately worse.
So in conclusion, it was a good thing that he was back inside his body.
He let out a sigh of relief that must have been a lot louder than he had intended because suddenly Gerard started stirring. Mikey didn't want to face the anger and despair and especially the disappointment of his big brother yet, so he closed his eyes and feigned sleep.
Gerard wasn't fooled by him, however. 'I know you're not asleep, Mikey. I heard you. I can imagine that you don't want to talk right now, but you'll have to talk to me eventually', Gerard told him, voice heavy.
Letting out another sigh, Mikey gave up on his charade and opened his eyes. They held each other's gazes for a moment and it was so intense, Mikey couldn't stand it, he had to look away.
'Why did you want to die?', he barely heared his brother's resigned whisper a while later.
He didn't dare look him in the eyes when he answered with a barely audible whisper 'I still want to '.

Notes

Wow I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to make you wait for half a year :0
but there was a lot of stuff going on and then I have to admit that I simply forgot about this story.
so sorry