After work the next day, I found myself waiting around for you. First, I cleaned my room carefully. Then, I drank water around the kitchen table for awhile. And of course, pacing around the living room as the sun sunk down into the front windows, emblazoning my dark shadow against the warmly lit wallpaper. When the pots and pans didn’t rustle at six o’clock, I went to go check on Caroline.

She was sipping a prenatal tea at the kitchen table while reading an art magazine that looked far too urban to be from this area.

“No dinner tonight?” I asked, taking a seat across from her.

She turned a page harshly, causing a loud snap to break through the first floor, and didn’t look up. “Pizza,” she said solemnly.

My eyes flicked towards the phone sitting next to her.

“What are you reading about?” I asked.

Caroline detached her eyes from the magazine and looked up at me. She shook her head. “This… bastard.” She turned her magazine over and showed me the picture of a couple standing next to a large painting. One of them a small blonde girl, much like Caroline, while the guy was a wishy washy dark haired guy with nothing but skin and bones on him.

“Is that… the dude?” I pointed to his picture.

Caroline yanked the magazine away and starred at it with fury. “Sure is. With his new girlfriend. Bullshit no talent painter. This latest exhibition was about the power of cat figures in modern culture. Catwoman, Friskies, Tony the Tiger. Shoot me in the head.”

“That’s pretty… dumb,” I said, more offering comfort than rationalizing the idea of the collection.

Caroline threw the magazine to the side. “Whatever,” she shook her head.

I shrugged my shoulders, “Well better to know the truth now then be in the dark forever, right?”

Caroline looked up at me. She didn’t say anything but simply starred.

The doorbell rang.

I felt myself get all jittery again. I ran a hand through my hair and back again as I padded towards the door.

I threw it open and you were there. Standing in your sneakers and low slung glasses, readjusting your backpack and smiling at me. You didn’t say anything. You just smiled for a long moment before reaching out towards me. Before I could comprehend, you were embracing me and I had to work to drop my squeamish shoulders. You smelled like mom’s laundry loads and the flowers that grew out front our house. It made me miss home almost as hard as I had been missing you.

When you pulled away, you were still smiling and now I was too.

“Are you gonna invite me in?” you whispered so soft, I mainly just read it off your lips.

I felt myself tense up again. “Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Come in,” I moved aside to let the screendoor shut behind him. “Come meet Caroline.”

I lead you to the kitchen where Caroline was still at the kitchen table.

“Caroline,” I said, causing her to look up above the edge of her magazine. “This is my …brother, Michael.” The word hurt a little to get out, as usual. It felt weird. I felt more freedom to be myself in this house, but our relationship still was under lock and key. I was still struggling to conceal everything because Elliot had made it clear that things of that nature could jeopardize the trial.

You stepped towards her and reached out a hand, “You can just call me Mikey. Everyone does.”

Caroline put her magazine down and shook his hand, “Oh of course Mikey. It’s so good to have you here. Between Elliot and Gerard, I’ve heard so many wonderful things about you. Oh. The pizza should be here anytime now so I hope you eat more than you look like you do.” She winked lightly at you and you laughed politely.

“Sounds great. I’ll have put another notch in my Oshkosh belt,” you joked and even I had to let out a small smile. You turned towards me. “Can I see your room?”

My smile waved through me and fell a little, but I nodded and waved you towards my room. I opened my door and let you in. I backed against the edge of the room. Your aura always felt so big. Like it was squeezing me into corners.

You stepped toward my window and the edge of my bed, looking around the room in awe, “no wonder you wanted to live with Elliot. This place is the Ritz.”

I nodded. “Elliot’s too nice to let me stay in his guestroom. It’s too nice.”

“Nonsense,” said a voice in the doorway and I spun around quickly to see who is was. Elliot was leaning over the threshold with his arms crossed. “You are my guest so you stay in the guestroom.” His voice was stern, but not strict. He turned towards you. “How are you doing Mikey?”

“Great,” you smiled. “Thanks for letting Gerard stay here while things get sorted out back home.”

I thought “sorted out” was an interesting way to say “kicked out.”

“Oh, it’s an honor. Now I get to employ him after hours also,” Elliot smiled and reached out to ruffle my hair. It was getting longer. Beginning to go in my eyes again to my excitement. “Are you hungry, Mikey? Dinner should be here soon.”

“Starving,” you said, learning from the first experience that hosts like to feed their guests.

“Good,” Elliot nodded. “I’ll see you guys in a couple then.” Elliot backed out of the door, leaving it open so the faint noises of the AC and Caroline’s spoon clanking in her cup floated throughout the room.

“So,” you broke up the sounds as you put your backpack down in the corner chair. “What have you been up to?”

I shrugged. “Work, helping Caroline, seeing Sierra, witness practice-“ I stopped before realizing what I said.

You noticed my pause, not my words. Maybe I could have let it slide if I didn’t second-guess myself. “Witness practice?” you tried to sound relaxed, but even I could tell it irked you.

“Yeah,” I eased, rubbing my hands together. “Practicing for the bench. My answers and script.”

You looked toward the window, away from me. “Script,” you whispered before turning towards me. “Why do you need a script for the truth?”

I felt myself cower. You had the headstrong look in your eyes that I couldn’t bear to see turned on me. The moment when you knew you were right, despite any thing else. “Mikey, can…” I stuttered out. “Can we talk about this after dinner?”

You blinked towards the ground and wrinkled your eyebrow. “Yeah,” you said casually as if you agreed that was a better time. “Sure.”

----

Dinner was dinner. The clanking of Elliot’s glass plates and garlicy smell of fresh pizza soaking into everything. Conversation went as I imagined it would. Not that I minded. You dazzled Elliot and Caroline with your charm. So social. So easy going. I wondered if I was like that before all this.

I watched you from the corner of my eye, carefully. Looking for the subtlest signal that might show me insight into life farther away from me. Did you see Blake recently? Did you fulfill my promise? It was hard to tell. You were so much better at rebounding your emotions than I was.

“Anymore, boys?” Caroline pushed a half empty pizza box towards our side of the table.

“I couldn’t possibly. I’m stuffed. Thank you,” you said with a smile and a polite wave.

I shook my head, still watching you as Caroline collected our plates.

“Well,” Elliot sighed and looked at his watch. “I hate to leave, but I’ll be in the office if you need anything, Mikey.”

You smiled, “Thank you, Elliot. I really appreciate it.”

“Oh and Mikey,” Elliot said as he stood up. “I cleared the other guest bedroom out for you.”

Your smile cracked a little. “Oh, no. I can stay with Gerard. No need to dirty another room.”

Elliot cocked his head in surprise. “Nonsense. It’s nothing, really. I insist.”

You swallowed. “Oh. Well thank you, Elliot. I’ll move my bag.”

I watched Elliot exit towards the office with uncertainty boiling in my stomach. “Caroline,” I called towards the kitchen. “We’ll be in my room if you need anything.” I got up and you followed as I padded back towards my corner of the house.

I threw open the door and crashed onto my bed in a mixture of exhaustion and happiness.

You shut the door behind you and crawled up to my side.

I could feel my skin heat the closer you got. The reflex showing signs of growing back slightly. I reposed a bit, back peddling away from you.

“Come here,” you smiled, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards you until your face was close to mine. “I’m really glad I’m here, Gerard. You know that right?”

“Mmhm,” was all I could manage with a small nod.

Your hand moved itself behind my ear, lightly tugging the strands that were growing in. “Can I… kiss you?” you asked in a voice that wasn’t bashful, but confident.

I blinked back, thinking that question over. After a moment, I nodded.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” you asked, tilting your head to stare at me through your eyelashes.

My breath hitched in my throat, but I nodded again, growing slightly eager.

You smiled the most brilliant smile before leaning your head closer to mine. There seemed to be a moment of pure hovering. I could feel your oncoming contact and the heat of your skin bounce off me. Then, you placed your lips on mine and all I felt was you shielding me from anything bad in the world.

I felt as if I wasn’t processing the moment correctly. Kissing you should feel experimental and foreign. Not just because of our obvious lineage but because I had only kissed you once since I had been back. But in a weird way, it didn’t feel new. It felt like coming home to a place you never knew you had. It felt like crashing into the most comfortable bed you ever slept in or finding just the right book on a rainy day, but better. Your hand on the back of my head, holding me towards you while the rest of me felt immobile. I felt you pull away and I fluttered my eyes open to look up at you.

You were still smiling. Maybe even more brilliantly. “Is it getting easier?” you whispered and smoothed you hand down the back of my neck, making me shiver in ecstasy.

I nodded.

“I want to know though,” you murmured. Your eyes turned a more serious shade. “About the witness practice.”

I pulled away harshly and held my knees in. “Mikey,” I sighed. “Its between me and Elliot.”

“But its about us,” you said sincerely. Your shoulders dropped. “I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just, you are gonna have to be talking about our relationship in front of hundreds and cameras and a judge and I feel like I should at least know what you are gonna say first. I’m apart of this relationship and all.” You were disgustingly rational sometimes.

“You didn’t go see Blake did you?” I asked, my skin heating with a different emotion now.

You looked confused, like you had forgotten everything I told you. Then I saw it all rush back at once behind your eyes. “That?” you asked, a bit sarcastically. “You didn’t expect me to really do it, did you?”

Now, my shoulders dropped now. I felt like screaming. I felt like crying. “Mikey,” my voice shook. “You promised me you’d consider seeing someone else.”

You rolled your eyes. “And I did. It took all about three seconds and then the overwhelming answer was no. I’ve already found my someone and I don’t need a someone else.” You crossed your arms over your small chest.

I didn’t know whether to be satisfied or distraught at this answer, but my brain kept settling on the later.

You noticed. “Come here.” You reached out and pulled me against you. “Look at me.”

I lifted my chin and starred into your eyes. I could feel myself losing this one already.

“I considered it. I really did. But there is a certain part of you that will never think I am making the right choice. I need you to trust me that I am doing the right thing for me. You need to know that I am ready to accept whatever being with you brings. I might be young, but I know that I’d rather be outcasted and degraded with you, then live a normal life with someone I will never love as much. Can you promise to try and trust me more with this?” your eyes pleaded with me.

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to say anything. But your eyes broke up all the hardness in me like cracks in an iceberg. I nodded. “I’ll try.”

You perked up. “Aaand you’ll tell me what the script says?”

I pursed my lips. I shook my head. “We don’t exist. You were a quick phase. Now we are just… brothers.”

You smile fell. “What? Why?”

I sighed. “It strengthens our case. It makes it easier for the jury to side with us. Most of Klause’s defense is gonna be an attack on me and my mental health. If we say its not a problem anymore but can prove they didn’t do anything to help that problem solve, than we may have a chance.”

“But,” you look confused. “It’s not the truth.” You slid off the edge of the bed and paced quietly.

I closed my eyes. “Mikey,” I begged. “Please. You know how much winning this case means to me.”

“More important than us?” you stopped and asked.

I felt my soul break a little. I hadn’t questioned that ever. I never thought denying the truth in court would bother you. I thought you wanted to do whatever it takes. I guess I was wrong. “Elliot doesn’t know. He can’t. He would be so mad. He knows we can’t be together for this case.”

You sat back on the edge of the bed. A safe distance. You looked back at me through your wonder eyes. I could tell you weren’t just looking, but watching. It was the look you gave me when I saw you the first time after coming home or before kissing me on the couch on that Friday dinner night.

“You’re right,” you said finally. Your gaze shifted inward, as if turning your attention to your own thoughts again. “The case comes first.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Mikey.”

You smiled and made your way up next to me, again. You wrapped your arms around me and lay your head against my chest. “I have to move my stuff. To the other room.”

I took in the scent of your hair before processing what you said. “I know. I’m sorry,” I shook my head. “Like I said. He doesn’t know. It will put him at ease. There will be other times.”

You sighed heavily. “There will be other times,” you repeated with a nod.

----

After awhile, you went to your room, being sure to shut out my light, and I stayed in mine. I could feel you through the wall. All your pent up sixteen-year-old energy and sunny outlook. I could feel the way it pulled at my smile even through the wall and I missed you immediately. But my impatience all day and my blissfulness that night had drained my energy. And I quickly fell into a thrumming, content sleep.

----

When you woke me up, I thought I was home. That I was in my own bed. I thought you were watching your footing around the collectibles that littered the room, the stacks of notebooks, and the clothes Sierra picked out. But the reality steeped in and I remembered the shades of blue all around the room that were so vivid, one could even see them in darkness. You were quieting me again. A finger over your lips in caution. But the smile underneath was clear and contagious and I scoot myself over so you could creep in.

The new side of the bed was colder than the one I’d been inhabiting but you compensated with your warmth. Your arms wrapped around me and I nuzzled into the space in your neck.

“You shouldn’t be here,” I whispered against your skin.

“Then tell me to leave,” you whispered back, your thumb rubbing small circles against my t-shirt.

“Oh, shut up,” I chuckled and pulled away from your neck to look into your eyes. Your glasses had been forgotten in the next room. Unshielded and undeterred by the darkness, they shined with the reflection of the window behind me. “You’re beautiful,” I felt myself let out. I wanted to regret it or shake it off, but something in me stood by it.

You smiled at me before leaning down and kissing me. You didn’t warn me, but nonetheless, I shouldn’t have felt so shocked. But I still had to bite back the urge to hiss against your lips.

As you pulled back, you looked like you had noticed the mistake but you didn’t look like you had any regrets either. “I’m sorry,” you said unconvincingly.

I nodded my head, giving you the okay and you bent to kiss me again. This time was longer, maybe sweeter in a way. Pushing me a little harder like you wanted to see if I would push back. I hesitantly tried to, but it made it feel too real. Made it feel like I was instigating something instead of just not stopping it. I was becoming apart of the kiss instead of just the immobile bystander. The black behind my eyelids took me back to the darkened hallways and a voice rang in my ears, “Do you think we’re all dim here, Gerard?” I pulled back a bit, letting myself catch my breath. Feeling my heart pounding loud in my ears and the thoughts couldn’t stop turning.

“What’s wrong?” you asked with a bit of panic.

I shook my head. No words coming out. Squinting my eyes against the onslaught of tears that threatened to seep over my lashes.

“It’s okay,” you soothed and hugged me closer, letting my head rest on your shoulder. Your shirt gathering dampness. “You have to trust me that its gonna be okay,” you whispered.

I nodded but couldn’t stop the involuntary hiccups of guilt.

“I’m sorry,” you shook your head. “I shouldn’t have… I know. I’m sorry.”

I took a deep breath and calmed myself, letting my hands feel at the skin on your arms as they encircled me. I just wanted to remind myself you were real and you weren’t gonna do anything to get me hurt. I needed to know it was all in my head.

“Don’t worry about it,” I sputtered out after a minute. “It’s fine.”

“Are you sure?” you asked.

“T-try again,” I pulled away and looked up to you.

You pursed your lips, unsure if you should. But I nodded and looked pained, but you did it anyway. Pressing your lips on mine with a simmering pressure that held me there for what seemed like it was in slow motion.

The black in my eyelids turned white and I pulled away quickly, letting my eyes blink open against the harsh light. My pupils burned and the tears threatened again for a different reason. I tried to let them adjust and when they began to, they saw you staring across the room with a look in your eyes that could only be explained as fearful.

I followed you gaze and saw Elliot leaning against the doorway, his finger still poised on the light switch. The wind knocked out of me and I felt all my muscles tense against your fingertips.

Elliot moved his hands into the pockets of his dress pants, still being worn from the previous day’s work. He licked his lips slowly before speaking. “I’d like to see you both in my office in five minutes.” He bit the inside of his cheek and looked to the ground. “Please.” He detached himself from the wall and moved out before either of us could begin formulate a response.