The next morning, after a sleepless night, I was off to Elliot’s office with a rattling in my pocket. I was so overly conscious of the fact that they were there that every moment was a desperate attempt to keep them silent. I was almost begging, Elliot to come in and take them off my hands. When I did hear the familiar shuffle of his leather loafers, I almost jumped up to attention. “Elliot!”

He paused for a moment, starring curiously at me for the sudden exclamation, “Yes?”

I pulled the orange bottle out from my pocket and tossed them towards him. He grabbed them out of the air, effortlessly, and put his glasses on. He studied the label with an interesting fervor I’d never seen. He sat down in his chair and unscrewed the bottle, shaking the large capsules into his hand. He held them for a good second before throwing them to the back of the bottle and tightening the child proof cap with a snap. “Just as I suspected,” he said with a thick anger in his voice.

I wondered what I had missed. I sat down on the couch. “What are they?” I looked over to him quizzically, asking for some clarification.

He shook his head and tightened his lips, “Horse sedatives.”

I froze. I wasn’t comprehending. That just didn’t make sense. “What?”

“They gave you horse sedatives. Something that’s used on a creature that weights seven times more than you. Those little fuckers,” he spit out, still shaking his head.

The sudden language put me back.

He looked over and saw the look on my face, “Sorry,” he mumbled. “Do you mind if I keep these?”

“No, no. Please do,” I said. I got up from my chair and made my way to the door. I was too shocked to remember to say good day. I just got in my car and left.

I flled into my driveway. I came in through the front door and was immediately stricken with Mom as she ran into the room. She shuffled over to me, the look on her face was bursting with excitement. “Gerard,” she whispered, joyfully, “You never told me you had made a new girlfriend since being home!” Her eyes were saturated with her happiness.

I was confused. Girlfriend? What was she-“Sierra?” I asked. My voice going high at the end, unintentionally.

“Yes, she is such a sweetheart. An absolute darling.” I could see that she was finally understanding that I had no idea what she was talking about. She tried to explain, “She’s in your room. She said she had to come over to speak to you about something.”

“What?” my voice went high again. This day had a surprised around every corner. My first thought was why had Mom left her up there alone.

“Yes,” Mom nodded. “She’s been waiting for nearly a half an hour now. Go up there and see her, dear.”

I gulped and nodded, afraid of the words that would be exchanged very soon. I padded up the stairs, slowly and cautiously. The door to my room was slightly ajar and I could see a sliver of her in there. Her messy hair going around her face as she sat Indian style on my floor. She was reading something in her lap. I tried to look and see what it was but all I saw was a white covered journal. I dashed through the threshold and the door squeaked loudly.

Sierra jumped up and looked to me. Her eyes were red and wet. I looked around her. There were four other white journals around her.

“Why?” she began. I looked back to her broken face. “Why did they do this to you, Gerard?”

I sank to the floor on my knees. Defeated by the things she must have read in the past thirty minutes.

I felt my heartbeat get quick and inaccurate. I had no even pulse and no shread of sanity. “Get out.” I muttered.

“Gerard,” she began again.

“GET OUT!” I screamed so monstrously that I didn’t even hear any of myself in it.

She quickly got up and blew past me, closing the door on the way out.

I lay down. I had no more tears left in me. I just shook to the sound of my unforgivable loneliness.