“Hey, It’s Sierra. I’m probably too lazy to come to the phone right now, so leave me a message and I may or may not ignore it.”

“Hey Sierra, it’s Gerard… again. Just wanted to apologize again for last night… or this morning… or whatever you want to call it. Call me back, bye.” I hung up the phone with a sigh. A sigh of worry and a sigh of fear. Was this a preview of my future friendships? Was I doomed to be friendless because of reasons I couldn’t control?

But I had to put these ideas behind me. I was already actively planning my stealing of the pills. The idea had been shaking throughout my brain and I didn’t have many options. I just had to wait till my parents weren’t around their bedroom, go in the bathroom and take them. I knew for sure they’d be in the medicine cabinet.

I waited till late afternoon, slightly before dinner. Mom was in the kitchen, Dad in the family room, and you in your room. It was as perfect as I was gonna get. I snuck quietly down the stairs. One at a time. Over estimating the volume of every snap and creak. When I was safely on first floor, I tiptoed over to my parents door. Slightly ajar, showing the perfectly made bed and clean white walls. This was it. I just had to make a run for it. I counted down the firing gun in my head. Three, Two, O-

“What are you doing?” I heard you whisper. I turned and you were at the foot of the stairs, staring curiously at me.

I felt myself freeze in place, unable to think or speak. But I was already prepped for take off. There was no stopping now. I ran for it into the bedroom and dodged myself into the bathroom.

Once in I went for the medicine cabinet on the wall. As I shuffled around the bottles, trying to find my own, I heard you come in after me.

“What are you doing?” you said again, as if I’d reply this time.

I continued searching. The first one over didn’t give me any results, so I began to go back over. Searching for any hint of what I was looking for.

“If your looking for your meds, there not there,” you said behind me.

I stopped. I closed my eyes. “Where are they?” my voice harsh.

“Why do you need them?” you said, no harshness. Softness.

“Where are they?” Despite your obvious attempts to be caring, I was losing my cool.

You sighed. “Go to your room. I’ll bring them in a little while.”

----
I sat in my bedroom, waiting for you. I was scared. Scared to hold those pills in my hands. Something that had caused me so much disarray for the past two years, something so beyond my control, about to be in my control. In my shaky, pale hands.

I heard a small knock and looked up. You were in my doorway. My memory instantly snapped back to two years ago. But you’d grown into the doorway. You head less than a foot from the molding and your shoulders broad enough to fill out the width. I wanted to look away but I was mesmerized by you and your growth, your evolution. You swung out a lengthy arm and an orange bottle was coming towards me. I reached out and grabbed it, cradling it in my hands. But as soon as it settled, I felt the after affects, realizing what I was holding. I dropped it and heard the coated capsules shake around. I watched the bottle roll around on my carpet.

“Why do you need them?” you flicked my attention back to you.

I sat silent for a second. Not sure what to say. “…Elliot… he wanted to see them,” I mumbled, looking away from you.

“The guy you work for? Why?” you leaned up against the inner wall of my room.

I felt my lip quiver, “He… went to Reynard’s. He said something about how things aren’t always what they seem to be.”

You nodded your head. “Are you ever gonna live that place down?”

Your words hit me so strong. I didn’t expect them. “I… I don’t know Mi…” I tried to say your name, but I couldn’t wrap my lips around it. I looked towards you and saw your wonder eyes breaking into sadness, like my failure to even speak your name had been the answer to your question. “Mom is so worried,” I mustered out. “All she wants is for us to be normal brothers.” I felt the hot tears begin to pour down my cheeks. What had become a familiar feeling for me.

You shook your head. “Well I think all three of us know that will never happen. You’ll never just be my brother. Ever.”

I began to shake my head, distressed, “Why does this have to be so hard? Everything has told me this is wrong. And everyone. Yet I’m still afraid to be around you like some kind of animalistic reaction will happen to me. Like I know I’ll hurt you.”

You shook your head and I heard you sniff through your suddenly damp nose. “I’m not going anywhere. And I’ll never give up on you. I don’t care if we have to go to the ends of the earth. I don’t care if we are old men by the time you forget about those two years. Because you’re worth all that.”

I didn’t speak. I didn’t believe you and I didn’t know if I ever would.

Three big strides across the room and you were in front of me. You reached for my hand. A movement so quick that I gasped aloud. But you didn’t stop holding on.

“Come on. No backward steps. You were so good last night,” you almost giggled at me.

My hand relaxed and let out a breath. I kept telling myself that I was fine, but I wasn’t.

You moved your hand to my side. And I backed up. The breath knocked from me as I sat higher on my bed. I tried to catch it. Tried to swallow it back along with my guilt about you touching me.

You stood over my bed. You sighed heavily and shook your head. I could see your tears catching in your throat. “Another day, another time.” You whispered before turning around and walking out.