I'm Not Okay

A boy; a little baby boy. I felt tears prick my eyes and a smile creep its way onto my face. I turned to Mikey and saw he had a smile on his face as well.

“Congrats Frank.” Mikey told me and then gave me a hug.

I thanked him and hugged him back. When we drove back to my house we talked about our next album and things we wanted to do. I told him I wanted to get my guitar tracks laid down first so I wouldn’t have to be there when I’m really pregnant. So far I was almost five months along, and I stuck out about five inches from my normally flat stomach, everyone knew I was thin so it was gonna be kinda hard to prevent them from knowing but I would have to. Mikey agreed with me, he said he would try to get the guy to agree as well. When we go back to the studio I would be about six and a half months along, and I’ve seen pictures of what women look like in that stage and they’re pretty big.

When we got home Mikey took his car and went back home; I called my mother and told her it was a boy and she gushed over it. She told me she would be going out that day to buy enough clothes for him to wear for a year. I laughed and told her to go crazy; I wanna spoil my baby boy rotten. About an hour after I called my mom and half a tub of ice cream, I got a text message from Gerard. Just seeing his name pop up on the screen made a lump form in my throat. But I opened it; the curiosity got the better part of me.

“So it’s a boy?” It read, of course Mikey would tell him. I sighed but still replied.

“Yes it is.” I typed back.

“Can I come over?” He asked seconds later.

“What would your wife say about that?” I asked.

“She doesn’t have to know.”

“Because the last time you said that things worked out so well, don’t come over. I’ll see you in the studio.” I replied, when he responded I deleted the messages before I read them.

I know I was probably over reacting but he was the one who told me we couldn’t be friends; yet he was the one contacting me. He was confusing me about so many things, but I don’t want to think about him, I wanna think about my baby. He’s the highlight of my life; he deserves everything in the world. I haven’t even met him yet and I love him so much. But, it saddens me that his other father doesn’t love him. I felt myself starting to cry, but crying over Gerard wasn’t worth it anymore. Gerard wasn’t important to me anymore, my baby is. And I need baby stuff.

Time to go internet shopping again; Mikey and I ordered all of the big stuff but I still needed things like a play pen, blankets, bottles, pacifiers, rockers, teething toys, baby formula, baby powder, baby oil, bibs, and so much more. I ended up spending over two hours and a couple of hundred of dollars. But it was worth it. He is worth it.

Next on my agenda are names. What the hell am I gonna name him? The best thing to do is go back on the internet and look up names. After about another two hours of searching I came up with two options;

Lucas Emilio Iero or Bryce Antonio Iero

I really liked both of them but I didn’t know which one I should go with. Maybe Mikey can help me out? I pulled out my phone to call him but I saw it was almost two in the morning and he must be asleep, I should probably head off to bed myself, I guess the name will come to me when I see his little face. I got of my sofa and started up the stairs to bed, along the way I rubbed my bump in hopes he’ll kick but I got nothing. I read something that first time moms feel their baby kick at twenty-five weeks but second time moms start feeling their babies kicking at thirteen weeks. But he’ll start kicking when he’s up for it. I rubbed my stomach one more time before falling asleep, again no kicks.

When I woke the next day it was because someone knocked on my door, I started to go down stair to answer it but on my way down I pasted a mirror and saw my huge belly. I momentary panicked and ran, or speed walked as fast as I could back up to my room to put on one of the many giant hoodies I now owned and a pillow. I help the pillow in front of my stomach as I walked back down to the door and opened it. I was expecting Mikey or my mother but instead was Gerard holding a big box. I was pretty shocked to see him there but he looked like he was struggling to hold it up so I opened the door to let him in. He came in and set the box down near the door and laughed a bit, I held the pillow closer to me, I was kinda nervous about him seeing my stomach.

“I was on my way over to bring you some stuff and I saw a bunch of boxes outside so I thought I’d bring it in for you. I’m glad I did, that was heavy and I don’t think you should be carrying anything heavy.” He said as he turned around and smiled at me, he dropped his eyes to the pillow and smiled again.

“Uh… thanks, I guess…” I wasn’t really sure what to say, “I thought I told you not to come over.”

“I know, but I had to drop some things off and if I mailed it would have taken longer, so I wanted to make it easier, plus I really wanted to see you and …” He pointed to the pillow, I only held it tighter to my stomach. It bothered me he still didn’t

“Okay.” We entered an awkward silence until Gerard said he was going to bring in the rest of the boxes.

Apparently most of the boxes had come because soon my living room was almost filled with boxes; all of the big stuff has arrived so I guess that was a good sign. But after Gerard had brought everything was delivered he went back to his car and brought everything he bought. Which consisted of at least twenty packs of diapers and some baby clothes, I’m not gonna lie the clothes were really cute. Gerard even went the extra mile and took all the heavy stuff upstairs in the baby’s nursery, the only thing I had done in the nursery was paint it.

“Thanks.” I mumbled.

“Look, Frank. I know you don’t want to talk about it but we need to.”

“Talk about what Gerard?” I asked. I wanted him to say baby.

“Your pregnancy.” He said.

“Say it Gerard. Say it.” I commanded.

“Say what?” He asked.

“Say baby, throughout my pregnancy you have never said baby!” I threw the pillow on the floor and took off my hoddie; underneath it was one of the maturity shirts my mom bought me so it hugged my stomach nicely. “Say it.” I said again.

Instead of saying anything Gerard slowly walked over and dropped to his knees in front of my bump and placed both his hands on the side of my bump and he started to rub it.It felt weird to have some on other than I rub my stomach. But what was even weirder was the baby did something I’ve been trying to get it to do for awhile. It kicked.

“Wow.” I said as I rubbed the bump to.

“Yeah, wow.” Gerard agreed and continues to rub my stomach, “That’s our baby.”

Notes

Sorry for the lack of updating, a girl from my school, who I have known for about 10 years died a few days ago and its been hard on everyone out here. I'll try update again tomorrow or the day after.

Till next we meet my killjoys