I'm Not Okay

“I’m actually kinda jealous.” I said as the baby continued to kick Gerard and I’s hands.

“Whys that?” Gerard asked as he stood up, but kept his hand remained on my stomach.

“He’s never kicked before.”

“He probably just needed encouragement from his other dad.” He said then removed his hand from my stomach and looked around the room at all the stuff. “How much did this cost you?”

“Well Mikey paid for the crib as a present.”

“How much Frank?” He asked again.

“About two thousand, but I still need to do a final check and get more stuff.”

“Wow, here.” He said reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a checkbook, “Let me help.”

“Gerard no.”

“Frank it’s my kid to, I wanna help, I’m not gonna pay for it all because I still need to but stuff for a nursery at my house but I make more money so help me pay for some stuff like-”

“What do you mean a nursery in your house?” I interrupted.

“For when he stays at my house; I don’t mean he’ll be staying in his first few weeks of life but eventually when he’s older.”

“I don’t know Gerard…” I said as I bit the inside of my mouth and looked at the floor.

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if I’m comfortable letting him stay over there.”

Gerard looked a bit taken back when I told him that.

“Why not? He’s my kid to.” He argued.

“I know he is and you can come over and see him at reasonable time if you call first.”

“Is this because of Lynz?” He asked.

“Partly yes.”

“She’s my wife Frank, she’s gonna be there and she’s gonna be a part of his life. She’s his step-mother.” He said, and he was really pissing me off.

“Not if I have anything to say about it. I don’t want her near him,” I said grabbing my belly in a defensive matter, “I don’t even want her to know where he really came from, that he’s our baby. I want her to hear the adoption story,”

“Why are you so against her?” He said like he didn’t know.

“Because you chose her over me and I love you! And to get over the pain of that I focus on the one good thing you’ve ever done to me and that was get me pregnant! But what I fear about letting you get close to the baby is that if Lynz finds out she’ll make you chose again since you chose her once you’ll choose her again. I can live with a broken heart but I will die seeing my son have one.” When I finished my rant Gerard wasn’t looking at me anymore he was looking at the floor and it looked like he was gonna cry.

“I-I’m sorry Frank.” He whispered.

“You know what Gerard, thanks for the diapers and bringing everything up, but please take your money and leave.” I said opening the nursery door.

He opened up his mouth to speak but I looked away and he sighed then walked out the door. I followed him down the stair and before he walked out the door he put something of my sofa and went into his car. I watched him drive away before I went to go take a look at what he left. It was a check, even after I told him to keep his money. But what surprised me even more was the dollar amount on it, it was six thousand dollars.

Notes

I know its not as long as I normally have them but I just needed to write and this was all that was coming out. So tonight I went to a small concert at my local park and my mom went with some of her drinkning friends and they were drinking. But after everyone left one of the women, shes about 55, was missing, Its been a few hours and we seached everyhting and no one has seen her, and now the police are getting invloved.

Till next we meet my killjoys