I'm Not Okay

After Gerard told me he chose Lynz over me and that we couldn’t even be friends, I chucked my phone against the wall and broke it. Hot, salty tears were already flowing out of my eyes so I just sat down on the sofa and let them flow out; that quickly turned into me sobbing. And it just wasn’t for that night, it was for six weeks straight; I didn’t get off my sofa except to eat and use the restroom, and one doctor’s appointment, but besides that I didn’t even shower. I just laid down and sobbed, it seemed like everything in my life was against me. I was the first man to ever become pregnant, the man I love and father of my baby told me we couldn’t be friends and he chose someone else over me, and the hormones from the pregnancy were making my emotions go crazy. Life sucks. Being pregnant sucks.

It was just another day of me crying on my sofa; today I didn’t sob but I didn’t stop crying either. Around lunch time I heard a knock at my door and I ignored it, but they still kept knocking, and I continued to ignore it. But when I heard my lock being unlocked and my door swing open I hid under the blanket that was covering half of my body. It had to be someone I knew, I had given a key to each of my band mates, my manger Brian, and my mother; plus if someone was going to break into my house why would they knock first? I heard something being set on the coffee table in front of me, but since the blanket was over my head I couldn’t see anything.

“Frank?” I heard an apprehensive Mikey asked.

“Go away.” I said, I tried to make it sound like I haven t been crying for weeks straight but I failed miserably.

“Come on Frank, I brought food.” That was the key word; I peeked out of the blanket to see him sitting next to a box of take out. When he saw me he smiled and handed me the food, I gladly accepted and started to eat.

“So,” He started, “Gerard told me.”

“Told you what?” I asked with a mouth full of food.

“About you and him and that night on the bus, about how he ignored you for five weeks, about how he stayed here when he said he was at my house, about Lyn making him choose between the two of you and how he chose her, and about… you being pregnant.” He said the last part quietly.

“Men can’t get pregnant Mikey.” I told him.

“That’s what I said, but then he showed me the ultrasound and I knew you can’t really fake those… It’s okay Frank, I’m not gonna judge you or tell the press.” He promised me.

I nodded and took a deep breath before pulling myself off the sofa and standing in front of Mikey, to show him my bump. It had grown in the past six weeks, now being 17 weeks pregnant, I stuck out about 5 or six inches, it’s like someone put a small pillow under my shirt. If I wasn’t wearing a baggy hoodie or anything you could tell I was going to have a baby.

“Wow.” He whispered.

“So now you know.” I said and sat back down, “You’re going to be an uncle.” I said as I rubbed the bump, hoping to get a kick, but nothing happened.

“Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl yet?” Mikey asked.

“No, I find out,” I pulled out my phone to look at the date, “Tomorrow.”

“Wow, can I come?” He asked.

I nodded, I didn’t have anything against Mikey, and I wanted him to be in the baby’s life.

“If you don’t mind me asking, are you gonna let Gerard see the kid? He wants to be involved.”

“I don’t know, probably not, he’s never even called it a baby. Plus he chose Lynz over me, I don’t want him to have to choose between the baby and her, because if he chose her once, he’ll probably choose her again, and I can’t let my baby get hurt like that.”

“I completely understand you and my brother was being a total idiot, but it’s also his kid, he has rights and he might act on those rights.”

“He wouldn’t.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because Gerard’s and good person, he knows I don’t want this out in the media and he wouldn’t do that to me. Plus he’d have to confess cheating on his wife with a man; he won’t be the most loved singer out there.”

Mikey nodded, he knew every word I said was true. Gerard is a good person, which makes me love him, but he already made up his mind.

“Don’t worry Frankie; I’ll be here to support you and the baby.” He said and gave me a side hugs. I smiled and hugged him back.

For the rest of the night we ate the food he brought, but knowing me we ordered more food and I ate most of that. We talked about the baby, which I didn’t mind, small things like what I would teach it; music of course, but if it wanted to other things I wouldn’t stop it… unless it was reality T.V, no way in hell I’d support that. Mikey also helped me look online for baby things, we ended up ordering something things I would need, like a crib, changing table, dresser, and a rocking chair, the rest we couldn’t order yet because we needed to know the sex of the baby. I paid for most of it but Mikey paid for the crib as a present which made me really happy. When night came around Mikey slept on the sofa and I went to my bed. It was hard for me to fall asleep because I was excited to know what I was having, plus I was also really happy Mikey was here and really supportive; it distracted me from thinking about Gerard.

When the morning came around, I got dressed in a maturity tee-shirt that my mother had bought me, she bought a lot of pain ones for me. It fit me nicely, over it put on a really big hoodie so I looked like a midget in an extra large hoodie, at least not pregnant. Before we went to the doctors we stopped at a phone store to get myself a new phone because I destroyed my old one. It didn’t take very long and no one in the store stared at me so I knew my hoodie idea had worked. When Mikey and I had gotten to the doctors, no one was in the waiting room like I was used to, we were instantly seen.

I laid down on the table and pulled my shirt up, Mikey couldn’t take his eyes off my stomach which kinda made me uncomfortable but he’d never seen a pregnant man before so it was okay.

“My, my, Frank.” The doctor said as she came in and put on her gloves, “it looks like someone’s baby has grown, which is a good thing.” She said before she put the gel on and rubbed it around my belly until my baby popped up on the monitor. Once again Mikey’s eyes were glued to the screen.

“And is this…?” Dr. Shannon pressed.

“No, he’s the uncle from the other father’s side.” I answered. She nodded then took more pictures and wiped off my belly then gave me the photo’s, this time she printed out four and I gave two to Mikey, I told him to keep one and give the other to his brother.

“Now Frank, do you wanna know the gender of your baby?” She asked me.

I violently nodded my head.

“From what the ultrasound said, you’re going to have a baby boy.”

Notes

Its a boy!

Till next we meet my killjoys