I'm Not Okay

I took a few deep breaths before getting out of my car and heading into the bus, I was at the doctors for a couple of hours so it was getting pretty dark outside. When I climbed into the bus everyone was putting on jackets and getting ready to go somewhere.

“There you are Frank!” Mikey said when he saw me come in, everyone turned towards me, “Where have you been?”

“I… uh, meet up with a old friend over coffee.” I lied, everyone except for Gerard seemed to believe it. “So where is everyone going?” I asked.

“Out for pizza.”

As soon as food was mentioned my stomach growled, I haven’t eaten all day because of the doctor. Everyone heard my stomach growl and we all laughed.

“Well I guess you’re coming with us.” Ray said.

“We can take my car.”I offered. “It’s right out in front of the bus.”

“But my car is new.” Mikey pouted.

“Then we’ll take two.” I said and laughed, everyone nodded. Mikey and Ray went in Mikey’s car and Gerard and I went in mine.

“So did you get it removed?” He asked when we were alone in the car. As soon as those words left his mouth I gave him a weird look then I remembered he didn’t know yet.

“Uh, there’s a bit more to the story.” I said as I pulled up to the pizza place, right next to Mikeys car. “But I’ll tell you after dinner.”

He nodded then we both went inside. I guess the pregnancy was affecting my hunger because I ate six slices of pizza, half of the pizza, and when I was really craving ham on the pizza. But since I’m a vegetarian the ham thing isn’t gonna happen. I was about to reach over to take a seventh slices of the pizza was slapped away by Ray.

“No Frank! Mine!” he scolded me and I stuck my bottom lip out at him. “No.” He warned again and I pouted in my seat.

After dinner Mikey and Ray took their car back to the bus while Gerard and I took mine to get coffee, or get Gerard coffee. Being pregnant I can’t really have any. We pulled up in front of Starbucks but instead of getting out, I locked us in.

“You gonna let me out so I can get coffee?” He jokingly asked, but when I didn’t join him he stopped laughing. “What’s wrong?”

“Look Gerard, there’s really no easy way for me to say this, so I’m just going to show you.” I told him and pulled out one of the pictures of the ultrasound and showed him.

As soon as he saw the picture his face fell.

“Frank, is this a…”

“Yes.”

“You got a girl pregnant?” He asked.

“No.” I answered.

“Then whose ultrasound is this?” He asked a hint of irritation in his voice.

“Mine. That’s my baby.”

“But you just said-”

“I didn’t get a girl pregnant.” I interrupted him, “I am pregnant.” I told him slowly.

“Men can’t get pregnant Frank.” He told me like I knew nothing. “You cant keep this a secret forever-”

“Gerard look at the top where the name is.” I told him.

He rolled his eyes at me but looked where I told him to, and when he saw my name and birth date under mother his eyes widened. He looked between me and photo a few times, he was completely shocked but then he looked back up to me and stared.

“How many weeks is this?” He asked, I noticed he didn’t say the word baby.

“Five weeks.” I said quietly.

“So you’re telling me,” he stopped to take a breath, “that you, a twenty-four year old man is pregnant with my baby, another man.”

“Yes. When I was four years old, my doctor, Dr. Shannon, found this out about me, I always have known. I was at her office today, she ran so many different test on me and I defiantly am pregnant. I’m sorry Gerard.”

He didn’t say anything he out the picture on his lap and dropped his head in his hands. I told him I was gonna give him a moment to take it in while I went inside to grab him a coffee. It took longer than I expected because a few fans were in there and wanted me to sign a few things and take a picture with them. I love all my fans so I gladly did it all. When I got back in the car Gerard’s head was no longer in his hands but he wasn’t looking at me, he was looking out the window.

“Here’s your coffee.” I said, he turned my way and took the coffee and muttered a ‘thank you’ before taking it.

The rest of the ride was silent, when we got back to the bus, I saw Mikeys car, confirming they had gotten there before us. I was about to open my door and go into the bus but Gerard started talking before I got out.

“Earlier you said you were gonna get rid of it. Did you?” He asked, still not looking at me.

“Sorry to tell you but no.” I told him, he looked at me with a questioning look, I took a deep breath before continuing. “When I found out you only used me for sex, I had my mind set on a abortion but because of the way the womb in my is constructed, an abortion isn’t possible. I have to have the baby, but I’m not gonna give it up for adoption wither. I’m gonna keep it, when its born I’m gonna tell the world I adopted it. My doctor won’t let me tour past seven months so money is gonna be a bit tight, but the baby and I will get through it. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you’re the other father.”

“okay.” Gerard said, I could tell he needed more time to take this all in. He reached over to hand me back the picture but I shook my head.

“I have two more copies, that one is yours.” I told him, he nodded and tucked it away in his pocket, I smiled at that.

“Oh, and Gerard,” He stopped and looked at me, “I would like it if you didn’t Lyn about the baby.” He nodded and got out of the car.

I stayed in the car for a little while longer before getting out joining the others in the bus. When I got in the living area of the bus, Gerard was nowhere in sight.

“Where did you guys go after the pizza?” Mikey asked.

“To get some coffee, and I ran into some fans.” I explained, “Where did Gerard go?”

“I think to bed, he looked really upset. Did something happen?”

“Not that I know of.” I lied.

“Okay so I know today was our day off, but how much longer is this tour?”

“Lazy ass.” Ray commented, and I stuck my tongue out at him, “Six more weeks then we get about two or three months off then we had back into the studio to work on the next album.”

I was doing some math in my head while Ray explained that, I would start showing while we were on break, but I would defiantly be showing when we needed to start working on the next album. I was starting to get stressed out so I decided to put it out of my mind until I had to deal with it. Well at least I got telling Gerard out of the way, next was my mother.

Notes

Hey guys! I don't think there's enough drama, what do you think?

Till next we meet my killjoys