I'm Not Okay

When I got back into the bus I grabbed my car keys and waved goodbye to Mikey and Ray, as I walked off the bus I passed Gerard and I gave him a small smile and he whispered ‘good luck’ to me. The drive from where the bus was parked to my doctor didn’t take me that long and I was glad, I didn’t want to have the time to think about everything, about Gerard, about Lynz, about … the baby. When I pulled into the doctor’s office, there were barley any cars and when I walked in I was the only person in the waiting room besides the receptionist.

“Mr. Iero?” She questioned me. I nodded and she smiled warmly at me, “Follow me please.”

I followed her to Dr. Shannon was. She was sitting at her desk filling out paperwork, when she heard me come in, she pushed aside her work and gave me a sad smile.

“Shall we get started?” She asked.

I let out a sigh and nodded. The next few hours consisted of me mainly without pants on, many different blood tests, and a few ultrasounds. I decided to not look at any of the screens or hear any of the results until we knew for sure if I was pregnant or not. I tried to distract myself with games on my phone but every few minutes I would get a text from Gerard asking if I was okay and how things were going. He was making it really hard not to think of him. In the middle of one of ultrasounds I removed the battery and lightly tossed my phone across the room; I didn’t want to break it, I just needed peace in my mind. My doctor raised her eyebrow at me but I just told her it was nothing.When she told me the tests were all done, she made my wait in her office so she could get the results. I was biting my nails thinking about how in a matter of minutes I would know if there was a baby inside of me. A baby. My hand involuntary rested on my flat stomach as I kept thinking about it.

“So Frank,” Dr. Shannon started as she sat down in front of me, “I don’t know whether to break this as bad or good news, but you are pregnant.” She slowly told me.

I dropped my head into my hands as I heard those crushing words, I thought I was gonna start crying but nothing came out of my eyes. Instead I pulled on my hair a bit before I looked back up at my doctor.

“I want an abortion.” I said firmly.

“I thought of that as a possibility but unfortunately, because the womb in you is constructed differently than women, an abortion is not possible. But there are other options; you could put the baby up for adoption or keep it.”

“Who would adopt a baby knowing it came from two men?” I asked, knowing no one would want my baby. My baby.

“It doesn’t have to be a direct adoption; you can put the child in an orphanage.” She suggested.

“So it can think it was abandoned and no one wants it? No thanks.” I said getting defensive.

“So you’re going to keep it?”

“I don’t really have any other options.” I let out a sigh, “You said my womb was constructed differently, is there anything I would be worried about?”

“Not really, because it’s different, throughout your pregnancy there will be some differences between you and a female’s pregnancy. For example, you won’t start showing as quickly, and you won’t have many emotional outbreaks. But your water will still break and you still can push. But not many things will be different. Now, I know this may be a difficult subject but I need to ask about the father-”

“I am the father.” I told her, she gave me a look.

“I’m sorry, the other father. Will he be involved?”

“Most likely not.”

“Well, if you have a paternity test, he will be responsible for child care. Raising a child on a rock band salary will not be easy, plus when you hit 7 months I can’t let you tour anymore.”

“But Doc-” I started trying to protest, there was no way I could stop touring.

“No buts, you won’t just be hurting the baby, you could also hurt yourself.”

“Fine.” I huffed. “Is there anything else?”

“Yes, because this is so rare, I would like to see you once a month, maybe even twice.” I nodded, that was totally understandable. “And if you don’t mind me asking, what are you going to tell the press?” She asked.

“I’m gonna keep it a secret the entire pregnancy, then when the baby comes, I’m just gonna tell the world I adopted the baby.”

“Alright, I’ll do my fair share to keep this a hush hush situation as well. And I do suggest you tell the father, good luck Frank.” She said as she stuck her hand out, I smiled and shook it. I was about to leave but she called me back.

“Frank wait!” She said catching up to me, “I almost forgot to give this to you.” She said handing me three pictures of an ultrasound. There wasn’t much to see, it was black and white and there was a little black bubble with a small white circle. Anyone who saw it would be able to tell it’s an ultrasound of a small baby.

“If you don’t want it, you don’t have to take them.” She offered.

“No, I’ll keep them, thank you.” I smiled once more at her before I left.

As I drove back to the bus, I tried to think about how I left about the baby. I didn’t hate it, I mean it never did anything to make me hate it, but I don’t love it, I don’t know it enough to love it. But I’m sure when it starts kicking I’ll begin to love it. Or at least I hope so, I was gonna raise it so I really hope I’ll love it. But I know I’m not gonna be able to keep it a secret forever, at least not from the guys and my mom. Who should I tell first, the other father, or my mother? My mom knows about me being able to have a baby and she’d support me, but the baby is gonna need both parents. Would it even have both parents? Would Gerard accept it as his child or just pretend he doesn’t have one because that night ‘never happened’? So many thoughts were flying though my head, I found myself back at the bus before I knew it. I took a deep breath as I tucked the pictures into my pocket; I guess Gerard was gonna be the first one to know.

Notes

How do you think Gerard is gonna react?

Till next we meet my killjoys