I'm Not Okay

It was pretty late and being pregnant made me get tired quicker than usual so I decided to call my mom tomorrow and get head to bed. As I headed out to the bunks to go to bed, I passed Gerard’s bunk and he was curled up on his side facing the other way, I kinda felt bad for him. This baby was probably going to ruin his relationship with his wife. I sighed before crawling into my bunk and falling into a deep sleep. But sadly enough my deep sleep lasted until about two in the morning, that’s when all the pizza I ate disagreed with my stomach and wanted out. I flew out of my bunk and ran into the bathroom; I barely got over the stomach before everything came flying from my mouth and into the toilet. But it didn’t just happen once, it happened over and over and over again; until it felt like nothing was in my stomach, but then it still kept going.Soon a felt a hand run up and down my back and someone hold the hair back from my forehead as I continued to throw up. When my stomach finally settled down I flushed the toilet and sat on top of it and looked to see who was there to comfort me. It was Gerard.

“You okay?” he asked.

I nodded and wiped my mouth a bit.

“Do you want some water?” He asked.

I nodded again and he left me alone to get me a glass of water, while he was gone I got up and brushed my teeth.

“Here you go.” He said handing me my glass. I took it from him and muttered a ‘thank you’ and began to sip on it. I thought he would head back to his bunk and go to sleep but instead he stayed with me in the bathroom.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten so many slices of pizza.” Gerard joked and started laughing; I gave him a small smile in return.

“We both know the real reason behind me eating so much and me throwing up.” I told him, as soon as those words left my mouth the smile on Gerard’s face dropped.

“I still can’t believe this is happening. Are you sure you can’t get an abortion?” He asked.

I got a little offended by him saying that. Yeah sure I wanted one when I found out but that’s because he used me, if it were any other circumstances I would have instantly wanted to keep the baby. But now that I am forced into keeping it, I’m starting to grow more attached to it.

“No Gerard I can’t.” I said as I started to get up, and don’t worry you don’t have to lift a damn finger for my child, I can do this on my own.” I said pushing past him to get out of the bathroom.

I heard him sigh but he did nothing to stop me from going back into bunk; not long later I heard him crawl back into his and fall asleep. I tried my hardest to fall asleep but I just couldn’t, I don’t know if it was me thinking about Gerard, or me thinking about the baby but I stayed up all night; which probably wasn’t the best idea since we were playing a show that night and the pregnancy was already making me tired. When the next day rolled around, I had dark circles under my eyes, I thought I could get away without anyone noticing them but I was wrong, all of my bands mates, and everyone working on the stage noticed them and commented on them. When it came time to playing the show, I had no energy whatsoever, at one point I laid down for two songs. I wasn’t the energetic Frankie that everyone loved; I was the tired pregnant Frank who no one knew about. And as for Gerard, he didn’t have much of his crazy self while playing either, but at least he stood for the whole show.

And for the next six weeks of the tour, nothing really changed; I was tired, a bit cranky, and always hungry. I wish I was able to keep my morning sickness under control but I couldn’t, I would throw up random times during the night, a few times during the day, and once on stage; I had barley gotten to the side of the stage fast enough before I hurled out my guts. The band stopped mid song to see if I was okay, I insisted I was fine but they made me go to the bus and sit out the rest of the show. But the six weeks did pass and we all had three months to ourselves before we had to start working on our next album. I know the doctor said I wouldn’t show as soon as most female pregnancy but at the end of the tour, I swear my once flat tummy was a bit more rounded than it was a few months ago. I don’t think any noticed, well expect maybe Gerard, but ever since that one night in the bathroom, I haven’t given him the chance to talk to me. I was probably being childish but I was doing what I thought was best. And now being eleven weeks pregnant, all I could think about was the baby, and I was happy about it, a part of me also wishes Gerard was happy about it. Whenever he was near me and I had my hand rested on my stomach he would turn away or leave the room, it kinda saddened me.

But the tour ended yesterday and we were all heading on the airplane to get back to New Jersey; ironically Gerard and I ended up sitting next to each other on the plane. I had no intention of talking to him or making any kind of eye contact with him but as he put his carry on in the overhead hanger, his wallet fell out of his pocket and landed open on the floor; he quickly dove to pick it up, but I saw the picture of the ultrasound I gave him weeks ago inside, where he would be able to see it every time he opened his wallet. I pretended not to see it but it still made me feel better. When the plane landed and we all went our separate ways I went straight to my house and started to think about where I would put baby things.

Since My Chemical Romance was a pretty big band, I made a decent amount of money and was able to own my own house. I lived alone in a two story house; it was 3 bedrooms and 2.5 bathrooms. It didn’t have a big yard but I wished it did, so when the baby was a bit older it would have room to run around and play. The master bedroom would stay as mine but the music room next to mine would become the baby’s, the last room was just a room with random stuff in it, but I would make that the new music room. Being pregnant I don’t think I would be allowed to move all of the heavy equipment I had in my music room but it would have to be done sooner than later. I didn’t want to have to pay anyone to help me move things around so I decided I would ask Ray for help.

“Frank, I saw you just a few hours ago there’s no way you can miss me already.” Ray said when he answered his phone, I couldn’t help but laugh.

“But Ray! You’re my one true love!” I said dramatically into the phone, and then it was his turn to laugh.

“Very funny Frank, what’s up?”

“I need to move some stuff around in my house, and since I’m so small and weak I was hoping you can help me?”

“Does it have to be today? Can it be tomorrow?” He asked.

“I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I was hoping the day after?”

“Yeah sure, I’ll ask Gerard to help out; some of your stuff is really heavy.”

“Does it have to be Gerard, can’t Mikey help instead?”

“Mikey is a twig, he’ll break under your stuff. But on a serious note, what’s going on between you and Gee?” He asked.

I remained silent.

“Okay, I guess I’ll find out when you’re ready to talk. Bye Frank.”

“Bye Ray.”

Notes

Till next we meet my killjoys