I'm Not Okay

Later that night I called my doctor, I trusted her with all my heart. She was the one who diagnosed me when I was four and now being twenty-four I really needed her and maybe pregnant I needed her the most. When I called last night she wasn’t in so I left her a message, it was just my name and I told her I really needed to speck with her.

Currently it was about noon the next day and all of us were in the living area of the bus, Mikey and Ray were watching a movie, Gerard was looking for something, and I was trying to watch the movie but I was to focused on the phone in my hand waiting for it to ring. About halfway through the movie it started ringing and the caller I.D read Dr. Shannon.

“Hello?” I asked quickly as I got up from my seat and started walking to the back of the bus. The guys looked at me but I waved them off.

“Frank? I got your message, are you alright?” She asked.

“Kinda, I just need to see you. Its rather important.” I told her, I was in the back of the bunks now, as far as I could get from the guys, I didn’t want any of them to overhear the conversation.

“Is this about you being able to conceive a child?” She asked with a stern voice.

“Yes.” My voice cracked and I felt tears beginning to form in my eyes.

“Have you had sexual intercourse with a man in the past two months?”

“Yes.” Another crack.

“Have you being getting morning sickness?”

“A few times. Is this really possible?” I asked in a small voice, a few stray tears were sliding down my face.

“I’m afraid to say but yes, I’ll clear my day for you. Can you come in the next hour?”

“Yeah,” I said as I wiped away a few tears, “I’ll be there soon, thanks Doc.” I said as I hung up.

I took a few deep breaths and wiped my face before I turned around. My plan was to act fine when I went out to see the guys then tell them I had to go on a date and leave them. But when I turned around I saw Gerard standing at the end of his bunk looking at me. Shit. How much did he overhear? I didn’t want to make a big deal so I gave him a small smile and tried to walk past him but he stopped me.

“Are you okay?” He asked, his eyes were full of concern.

“I’m fine.”

“Really because it sounded like you were on the phone with a doctor and you were crying. Is there something wrong? Are you sick or-”

“I’ll talk about the phone call when we talk about that night.” I snapped him.

He closed his mouth and tightened his lips together, I thought he was gonna agree and leave me alone but instead he grabbed my wrist and dragged me through the bus. The guys gave us a weird look but I didn’t have time to respond to them because Gerard had dragged me out of the bus and into the parking lot. He didn’t stop until we were a pretty good distance away from the bus.

“Okay, that night was a mistake,” He said, he wouldn’t look me in the eyes though, “I’m a married man; I can’t go around sleeping with my best friend so it never happened okay?”

“Then why did you, if that night had been up to me, I would have finished reading my book instead of you fucking my brains out.”

“I was just… really…. Uh, horny”

“So you used me? God haven’t you ever heard of masturbating? Ray does it all the god damn time in the bus!”

“I’m sorry.” He still wouldn’t look me in the eyes.

“You told me you loved me. Was that just a lie or do you really love me.” Because I love you.

“You’re my best friend Frank; of course I love you-”

“As more than friends?” I questioned him.

“I’m married.” He said in a barely quite voice.

By now I couldn’t stop the salty tears that were falling down my face. We had been best friends for years, and in that time I had learned to love him more than a best friend should. And it crushed me to know he chose Lynz over me, it crushed me to know he used me for sex. How can I bring a child into this world with a father like that? Every time I would look at it I would feel like a dirty used whore, how can I bring a child into the world with a father like me?

“Frankie?” Gerard asked breaking me from my thoughts.

I sniffed before I wiped away the tears.

“Thank you for using me Gerard.” I told him as I started to walk back towards the bus.

“Frankie wait!” He yelled and grabbed my wrists.

I turned around and yanked my wrist free of his grasp and gave him a death stare, “Don’t call me that.” I warned him. He looked scared and dropped his gaze to the ground.

“So- so who was that you were on the phone with? Are you sick or something?” He asked.

“I’m not sick or anything, it just,” I took a deep breath; “I have ….something, growing inside me.” I answered, I wasn’t being completely dishonest.

“A growth? Is it cancer?” He asked horror present in his voice.

“No its not, I’m going to the doctor to get it check out and removed in about an hour.” Again I wasn’t lying, I did plan on removing it.

“Do you want me to drive you? You don’t have to be alone.”

“No I want to be alone, and in all honesty Gerard, I would want someone I could trust with me.”

And with that I left him speechless.

Notes

Its kinda a lame filler, I'm not so sure on how much I love Gerard right now, I might go back and change this chapter later

Till next we meet my killjoys